


Thomas.  Not 10k, but not Tommy either.

by penink



Category: Z Nation (TV)
Genre: Mind Control, mind control is not consent, murphy is extra gross in this one, season 3 canon divergence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2019-10-04 01:19:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 34
Words: 93,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17294963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penink/pseuds/penink
Summary: Murphy was a coward, but he was never this evil.Hatred and probably whatever ran in his blood had turned him into something inhuman.At least, that was the only way 10k could rationalize what was happening to him.Season 3 canon divergence: events in Murphytown leave 10k more tormented than ever.  His experiences with losing all control of his body manifest in cruel ways.Will Warren and the others be able to protect him?  And if they do, what damage will 10k have to recover from?





	1. Chapter 1

Thomas. Not 10k, but not Tommy either.  


_Thomas. Listen to me. You don’t have a choice, Thomas. So listen to me. _His body wasn’t his own and now his name wasn’t either. Murphy was A Hero (a bastard a sick fucking bastard he’s sick) He Would Save Them All (he had ruined him he was just a kid and) And He Wished To Serve Murphy (he wanted to die why couldn’t he kill himself why couldn’t he run oh god) All He Needed Was Murphy (where was doc and warren and addy why hadn’t they come to save him) His Purpose Was Murphy ( f i g h t b a c k ).__  


It had been so bad. So strange ever since the submarine. From the beginning his limbs had started to disobey him and in his foolish ignorance he practically went along with it. It wasn’t until staring into the water in Spokane and fighting with everything he had to jump did he realize something was truly wrong. Even then in a sense, before Doctor Merch actually told him, he knew he was bit.  


There wasn’t just something wrong with him, there was something wrong with Murphy - a sharp pain entered his head when he thought this, but he was too sure of it to have it be buried under Murphy’s bite - he was Always Perfect (a dick. he was always a dick.) but now Murphy seemed to lack what little humanity he had before all this, But Who Needs Humanity. Who Needs Fear When There Was Murphy (it worried him. that murphy now didn’t seem to care about anyone, except maybe lucy).  


The quiet days were the worst. Where Murphy got bored and remembered he’d stolen some kid who hated his guts. It started out before 10k lost himself and became a warped and numb version of Thomas, back when he still had words to fight with. While yes, this strange Savior was Murphy, he looked like him and even had the same snarky drawl, but it seemed all boundaries had left him. Part of 10k wondered if doctor Merch’s research had gone wrong once again and now Murphy had absolutely no sense of empathy or humanity. It always seemed that the hatred between 10k and Murphy was mutual, but 10k had never imagined that Murphy would have so much fun tormenting him. It was physical torture as much as psychological, but the mental stuff hurt the worst. During the apocalypse 10k had been kicked around, been wounded, struggled plenty. He was used to that. It was when the man who had ruined his life shattered his will and tore his darkest thoughts and fears from his head did the torture seem fresh to him.  


One of the only boundaries Murphy had left was he didn’t like to be quite as cruel in front of others, it made 10k wonder if he was still capable of shame on some level. So, when Murphy’s blends were busy welcoming some poor suckers into this prison and Murphy got tired of playing leader, he’d call over the kid. Just to see how far he could push him.  


“Kid, do you know why people cut themselves?” Murphy laid casually on his throne, twiddling one of the knives he had taken from 10k after they got off the boat from the submarine. It wasn’t because Murphy feared 10k would attack him, he knew he was far too powerless for that, but it was just satisfying to Murphy to have 10k standing there, unable to take back what was rightfully his.  


“No,” 10k said grudgingly, incapable of keeping his silence.  


“Back in the old prison days, I had to take a course on mental health because some kid hanged himself. Of course it was because he couldn’t handle being someone’s bitch, not like you, but that’s besides the point,” Murphy droned. “People cut themselves for release. Or because of self loathing. Really there are many reasons, but I think the one you’ll most understand is the people that do it to calm themselves. The only calm you know is through shooting things, right ten thousand?”  


“Shut up, Murphy,” 10k spoke through gritted teeth.  


“Show some respect, Thomas,” Murphy tutted him. And in doing so 10k felt himself dig his nails into the palm of his hand as punishment. Murphy continued. “Since I don’t want you shooting up every zombie you see, I think you should give this a try,” Murphy just kept talking. “Come here.”  


10k did despite every part of him trying to pull away.  


“You can have this back now,” Murphy spoke so casually but there was something sinister underneath as he handed 10k the knife. 10k held it, staring at Murphy with a profound loathing. “Use it.”  


10k didn’t even register his limbs moving until a sharp pain came from his left arm and blood dripped down to his finger tips. 10k had hoped somehow he would find himself capable of stabbing Murphy, or even just stabbing himself. Instead Murphy got to watch with that morbid, inhuman fascination as the boy dragged his own knife through his skin.  


“Do you feel better, 10k?” Murphy said, his voice less brash and more soft. More sick.  


“Stop, please. Stop it,” 10k spoke softly, his voice harsh and cracked and one of the only parts of him that was still his. His arm burned as he lifted the knife and dragged another shallow cut through his skin.  


“I’m not doing anything, kid,” Murphy said with a distorted grin. “Stop, then. You’re the one self harming.” Even as he said he should stop Murphy’s strange monstrous powers forced the boy’s hand. 10k dragged the blade further. “You must think I’m some sadist,” Murphy said as blood began to drip and spatter on the old wood floors of the museum of progress. “This isn’t an act of sadism, kid. This isn’t some evil half-human hurting a little teenager. I’m getting justice,” Murphy hissed the words and 10k tried not to flinch as the knife moved on past shallow cuts and dug into his skin. “For Cassandra. For all the Zs you’ve killed-”  


“Don’t talk to me about Cassandra!” 10k shouted out, rage overtaking his stubbornness. It came with a strange disconnect, his words felt so separate from his actions. The knife stopped.  


“I saved her, kid. You’re the one that buried her,” Murphy said dryly. _On your knees, _Murphy didn’t speak but the command was still there and 10k’s legs buckled beneath him. “Her leg was infected,” with these words 10k plunged the knife into the side of his own leg. Not deep, and not near anything important, but it still hurt enough that 10k’s resolve broke for a moment and he cried out in pain. Blood still covered his left arm. “I did more to save her from that than you ever did.”__  


“W-What you brought back… that wasn’t Cassandra,” 10k stammered. The wounds would not scar, but they still hurt like hell.  


“Says you,” Murphy snarled. “What do you know? You’re just some boy with too many bullets. You had no right to take what I gave.”  


“You’re talking to me about taking things?” 10k laughed and it sounded like a sickness coming out of his tongue. “You took away everything from her. Even her right to die.”  


Murphy rather than responding forced 10k to remove the knife. He did so with a stifled cry. 10k held the knife in a shaking hand, staring up at Murphy waiting for him to inflict the next wound. He tried to hide his fear but it was hard enough to feel like himself without trying to hide part of him.  


“Get out of my sight. And clean up, will you? Bad enough you dripped blood all over my floors…” Murphy waved him away dismissively.  


10k stumbled to his feet, legs shaking beneath him with blood oozing from the shallow wound with each step. He found a basin of their water reserves intended for bathing and soon made it pink with blood. Some damaged part of him said that Murphy didn’t give him permission to bandage his wounds but he managed to stifle it under the logic that Murphy hadn’t said that he _couldn’t _take care of the cuts.__  


“What happened?” A woman, with a bite on her cheek stared at him, wide eyed. It was the woman from that family Murphy had “saved”.  


_Don’t tell her. You have no right to tell her what happened between you and me. Don’t tell her. ___  


Murphy, as in control as he seemed, still seemed to fear his followers knowing what he was capable of. 10k wanted to force out the words ‘Murphy happened’ but the moment he tried he found his hand inexorably drawn to his wounds, nails itching to dig into them painfully.  


“I’ve got some problems to figure out. Murphy is trying to help me,” 10k heard himself speak without intending to.  


The woman smiled in a way that didn’t meet her tired and glassy eyes, “he’s so good to us. Isn’t he?”  


“Yes,” the words tasted thick on his tongue but he still found himself speaking them. “He is.”  


The woman didn’t even respond and left 10k to try and tend to the cuts. He always thought he could deal with pain. With survival. Everyone called him ‘kid’ and technically he was one but he didn’t realize that being hurt, losing his sense of self, would actually damage him. 10k tried to keep back tears, knowing he was supposed to be tough, but really he didn’t know who he was trying to be tough for. Doc and Warren, Addy and even Vasquez weren’t coming for him.  


“I’m fine, I’m fine,” 10k breathed slowly. He found scraps of cloth and tightly wrapped his leg.  


_Yes you are. Now, go do your job. _Murphy’s voice drilled into his head. It wasn’t like he was allowed painkillers, so every step sent a tremor of pain up his body from his leg.__  


He held a gun in his hands, but his hand did not even twitch on the trigger as the drone of the zombies outside grew. He wanted to add to his count. That was who he was. His body gave no sign. Every part of him now focused on one thing- the number. The number which kept him going. Come on, where was he? Three thousand- 10k let out a gasp, dropping his gun to hold on to his head which now throbbed with a piercing headache. He wasn’t even allowed to think of that fucking number.  


_Pick up your gun. ___  


10k did.  


_There’s a good boy. You only kill what I want you to kill. ___  


Hatred. That kept 10k focused. Kept him from drowning in this pressure, building and pushing against his consciousness, trying to break him down. 10k had a feeling that Murphy liked seeing him struggle, that if he really wanted the kid turned into some worshipful blend, he would’ve been broken by now. Murphy was always creative in causing mayhem and suffering.  


10k moved forward, approached the gate. It was strange to admit it, but he missed the days when the Zs would chase him on sight. Now they just moved around more aimlessly than him. Even if he had been able to shoot them, they presented no challenge. Took the fun out of the apocalypse, as doc would say.  


Doc… god if anything pulled him out of the numb and back into his miserable, trapped self, it was doc. And Addy, and Warren… god if he saw them, would Murphy even let him say goodbye?


	2. Chapter 2

It hadn’t started here.

This state of utter numbness and torment, a gun in his hands but control in Murphy’s. 

This series of events, Murphy tormenting him, subtly at first, growing more and more unnerving as it went along, eventually turning into something far darker than he would like to think long on… 10k felt a shudder run up his spine. Best not to dwindle. Then, Merch telling him to run, the water, the symptoms, the hallucinations, the withdrawals, then, doc. 

God, it was like he had been more than found, he had been brought back from the brink of whatever half dead insanity that drug cocktail had led him to. And doc had seen the bite on his neck and when 10k finally returned to himself he felt nothing but shame. Cassandra, her walking corpse forced to be a dancing monkey for that creep… now he was no better. God, the pity in doc’s eyes was worse than the hatred he had dreaded. 

Then, the thought of Warren and Addy, knowing what had happened to him… and so much had happened to him. Far more than a bite. He couldn’t face the thought of them knowing he was tainted. Cass might’ve understood, after what she went through in black summer, but Cassandra died back in that CDC lab. He never got the chance to talk to her about much of anything. 

So he tried to hide what had happened, but he’d been found out. So he ran, he almost died, but something worse happened. Murphy took him back. 

Back to the hell that had all begun that day that Murphy’s new world order had started… 

~~~ 

“What are you gonna do to him?” 10k had been only annoyed at first. Murphy, the idiot, was going to kill this… ender thing, when evidently it was just a stupid shell that couldn’t hurt anybody. 

But it had been worse than that. It began so simply. “Shoot him.” 

“Are you crazy? No.” 10k had said as he picked up the gun. 

“I asked nicely. Shoot him.” Murphy. With that stupid smug smirk. 

“You’re not the boss of me,” annoyance still more than fear. Even as he raised the gun, finger snug on the trigger. 

“Sure about that?” 

“More sure than anything in my life,” 10k said firmly. Yet now fear was starting to take hold. 

“Shoot him.” 

“No.” 

“Shoot him” 

“No!” 

“Shoot him!” Murphy shouted in his face. 

10k’s heart had begun to pound. “No!” He shouted back, defiance all he had. 

A series of clicks and 10k’s blood ran cold. He had pulled the trigger. More than once. 

Fear set in there. It hadn’t let go since. 

This was only the beginning. 

If only sweeping had been the most degrading thing he had made 10k do. 

“Come here, ten thousand,” Murphy spoke his name only in mocking. 

“What do you want?” 10k’s words had held more fire then. 

“Get me a drink. It better not be well water, if you catch my drift,” Murphy told him. 

“Where do you expect me to- do you think I’m gonna find a nice bottle of rosé in a fucking museum?” 10k snapped. 

Murphy stared at him strangely, eyeing him up and down with far too much ease after 10k had sassed him. 10k had expected this new megalomaniac to take offense less easily. Murphy’s confidence said one thing- 10k could say whatever he wanted, but Murphy could do whatever he wanted to him in return. 

“Figure it out,” Murphy told him, something dangerous in his tone. 

10k took his instructions as a moment of free will. He was on the search for something Murphy could get drunk off of. As long as he had that in mind, his body allowed him to wander. His own body allowed him… what a dark reality that sentence offered. 

10k left the building, the other blends thus far collected, that family, were working on a fence, their daughter watching from the steps of the museum. 10k felt his stomach turn at the sight of those teeth marks on a child’s face. She had been an inch from death, sure, but now she would never know what it was like to be alive. 

10k left the museum with ease. The moment he was out of its sights into the silent streets of Spokane he wanted to run. Fought tooth and nail too, but his limbs never even faltered. Only pausing when his eyes flickered to a liquor shop in the corner. 

Damnit. Mission accomplished. He’d found the alcohol, and his body no longer allowed him to wander in peace. He had one goal - get a bottle and bring it home. Home. That word now felt filthy on the mind. That place wasn’t a home, it was a prison, even a death trap. Because he was dying alright, slowly but surely, in every way except body. His body was already dead. He had murphy and a gunshot to thank for that. 

10k trudged back up the winding road to the clocktower, a bottle of Grey Goose under one arm, his M110 under the other. 10k intended to throw the bottle at Murphy and leave it at that, yet as he climbed the stairs to Murphy’s skulking chambers, he felt himself stop. Get a glass. 10k was unsettled as his body took on commands besides the one Murphy had given him. He didn't know what was worse, Murphy crawling around inside his head, or his own mind bending to the will of the bite. 

10k knew he had to have been bitten. Yet his memories were fogged and somehow the idea alluded his consciousness. He was following Murphy’s orders because of it, yet it didn't feel real. When had he been bitten? How long did he have until he turned into something like Cassandra? 

10k found a dusty glass in the staff kitchens, fighting, mostly out of spite, not to clean it, but his hands cleaned it anyways. 

“Took you long enough,” Murphy rolled his eyes. Legs hanging lazily over the side of his new throne. 

10k did not move. He refused to do anything for Murphy unless he had no choice. 

“Do you not know how to pour a drink?” Murphy said dryly. “Did no one teach you that in whatever cave you were raised in?” 

10k moved to make a retort, but as he did, his own hands acted against him, his hand holding the glass balling into a fist and shattering it, tightening relentlessly so shards of broken glass tore into his hand. 

“Guess not,” Murphy smirked. “Just go get another one,” he waved him off. “But leave the vodka.” 

10k was forced to oblige. Returning with another glass which he had also found himself cleaning against his will. Murphy had already started drinking the vodka straight from the bottle. He had only sent 10k to get another to cause the kid further annoyance. 

“You’re not going to clean up the glass you broke?” Murphy snapped. 

“I wasn’t the one that broke it,” 10k shot back. 

Murphy stared at him for a moment. A smirk still curled on his stupid blue lips. A presence began to bear down onto 10k’s mind, like a headache. If a headache were like someone jabbing an icepick into your forehead. There was something terribly evil in whatever was causing this. 10k knew it was Murphy, but as time went on he felt like the coward he had once known was possessed by something far more sinister. Whatever drugs ran through his blood seemed to have tainted his mind. 

“Stop,” 10k managed to speak as the pain building inside his head caused his vision to black and his knees to buckle beneath him. “Please.” 

It relented. “Well, since you asked nicely,” Murphy drawled. 

10k tried to refocus, his vision blurring still, coming into focus on a pair of long legs in an old suit coming towards him. “You look pretty good on your knees, ten thousand.” 

“F-Fuck you, Murphy,” 10k spat at his feet. 

He let out a yelp as Murphy took him by surprise and yanked him up by his hair, forcing him to look at the man who now owned every part of him. Even his own thoughts at times. 

“Someone is going to have to teach you some manners,” Murphy said. There was something deadly in that tone. Murphy began to undo his belt. 

“What are you-” 

“Don’t move. Don’t speak. You’re not allowed,” Murphy told him. 10k felt his limbs tense. He couldn’t even struggle. Only remain. Unmoving. “If you even breathe funny I’ll make your life a living hell.” As if it wasn’t already. Murphy’s voice was softer now. Unnatural. Even for him. “Good boy.” 

10k didn't know what was happening, exactly. It would not process for him. All he knew was something was wrong, wrong, wrong. 

Murphy forced himself onto him. 10k was forbidden from reacting. All he could do was choke and gag as Murphy refused to relent. His throat felt bruised and raw once Murphy finally pulled back. He still could not move. “Relax, kid,” Murphy told him and 10k finally felt his limbs go weak. He collapsed to the ground, coughing and spitting. “You did good. Would’ve survived in prison, even.” 

10k remained on the ground, his body shaking. 

“God, don’t look so pathetic,” Murphy told him. “Get out.” 

10k didn't think he would’ve been able to stand if not for Murphy’s control forcing him to obey and stumble out of Murphy’s throne room. 

10k’s heart was racing and his body felt oddly numb. He stumbled down the stairs, clinging to the railing for support, only stopping once entered the old kitchens, there he clung to the water basin, attempting desperately to find grounding. 

He washed out his mouth, attempting to remove the feeling as well as the taste. It wasn’t enough. He still felt wrong. He tried to scrape it out of his mouth, his tongue made raw and bleeding. 

It still wasn’t enough. 

10k tore open cabinets, scrambling through old bottles, their contents long since oxidized or turned into something fouler. He found a bottle of hand sanitizer. He only bothered to hesitate for a moment. Let’s say four year old hand sanitizer killed him. Didn't really seem like a con at this point. It burned his bloodied tongue, tearing into his already sore throat. Unsurprisingly, he immediately vomited it up. 

10k still felt ill. It was like Murphy had given him a disease as well. 10k heard voices coming from around the corner. God, he didn’t want Murphy back in his head, forcing him to lie and say everything was fine. He stumbled back, hiding in a supply closet. There he sunk back against the wall, his body rocking slightly as his breathing became panicked, the inhales causing pain to his mouth so he coughed blood, oxygen struggling to make its way to his head. 

10k did not know what a panic attack was. Not really. Let alone how to prevent one. He did not know to steady his breathing and instead found himself taking even more desperate gulps of air. He saw spots in his vision and eventually his body couldn’t take it. He collapsed into the black.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was immensely hard for me to write, and be warned, it is fairly graphic. If you could be triggered please take care of yourself and do not read this chapter.

10k shot up with a start. His breathing immediately quick and panicked. He was plagued by strange dreams. A distorted cocktail of looking for someone desperately and blurred memories of the vile occurrence days before.

Murphy did not wake until long after dawn. So 10k had a better grasp of his own mind for a few precious hours. 10k tried his best to avoid Murphy at all costs, but it was impossible to prevent his presence from lurking in his mind. 

The rest of the museum was already awake. 10 rose from his cot in one of the downstairs rooms and entered the kitchens, his body stiff not from sleeping on the cot, it was more comfortable than other places he had slept, but from the restlessness of his mind now. He found a pair of blends fussing over canned goods and vegetables taken from an overgrown garden. Murphy’s breakfast, he assumed by their dedication to cutlery, while another dished out a thin soup from a large pot for the blends. No one seemed to mind this disparity. 

The noise of the house made 10k nauseous, so with his gun slung over his shoulder he left the building and passed through the newly erected gate around the property. 10k felt a pang of fear and pity at the line of survivors making camp outside of Murphytown. They actually believed in this. 10k wanted to scream a warning, tell them to run, to tell them to at least die on their feet with their minds only theirs. 

Such words would never be allowed past his lips. 

10k probed carefully into the woods, wondering if there was a radius which limited his distance from the museum or if Murphy was confident that he would come back, the bite acting as a leash. 

Peace. Or at least the closest thing he would get to here. The woods were far from quiet to his ears. Years of silence and hunting had left him with a hearing made for the woods. The slightest flicker of brush, the distinct individual call of different kinds of birds, all clear to him. 

The woods sounded different after the apocalypse started. Slowly, at first, but within the first year the liveliness of the woods faded. As did the population. And more often than not, the sinister shuffle of dead feet on the forest floor broke the peace. 

The only benefit of Murphy’s bite, besides the obvious immunity to the Zs, was he could hunt again. 10k had never hunted for sport, he found it distasteful, but he could find solace in snaring hares and wild pheasants knowing that their deaths would feed rather than rot because of the virus. 

Even if he’d be feeding a bunch of barely human slaves. 

10k crouched, slingshot in hand. He preferred to even the fight with the slingshot than ruin the game with guns blazing. Only a fool thought hunting was a state of action. It was a state of waiting. He had seen light feet in the damp muddied ground. Rabbit for sure. Now if he just waited and listened… 

The task was soothing. Allowing his body and motions to blend with the background noise of wildlife, let himself sink into a state of nonbeing, undetectable to other life. Time passed. The sun crept high enough to shine over the treeline. 

Brush snapped quietly. Something small in its travels had made the mistake of treading over dry underbrush. 

10k was alert, his body now tense in the silence. A small stone, definitely enough to crush it’s tiny skull for a quick death, was lodged in the slingshot with an ease that only came from experience. 10k pulled back, his breathing steadier than it had been in a long time. 

A different noise shattered the silence. Not far off, the heavy footed rustle of deadweight sent the rabbit running. 

“Goddamnit!” 10k exclaimed to empty air. A few yards away, a Z wandered aimlessly, without even the simple goal of trying to take a bite out of 10k’s neck. Apparently his neck was fair game. “You had to ruin it, didn’t you?” 10 said, the Z looked right through him with dead eyes. 10k raised his slingshot, the stone now aimed perfectly right between the eyes. He was about to release when instead he felt his arms stiffen. 

Murphy was awake. 

_how about you bring that poor lost soul back home?_

__Murphy had known what he was about to do. God, was he seeing through 10k’s eyes as well as pressuring his thoughts? 10k approached the Z, knowing he didn’t have a choice, and pulled rope from his pack to leash the rogue corpse. He could’ve used that rope to string up a nice rabbit instead…_ _

__10k walked back through the gate, dumping the body, and feeling relieved to leave the smell of rot behind._ _

__“Went for a little wander, did you?” Murphy sneered. He sat at the head of a long dining table, breakfast laid out in front of him and - god he was drinking _coffee _. 10k had only drank it, black, on the trips he took with his father. They’d come out of their tents, the air frosty, and 10k would just hold it between his cold hands, letting it breathe warmth back into them.___ _

___Of course this son of a bitch - 10k felt a sharp pain in his head at this insult - had gotten coffee. Complaining about the lack of caffeine was a common pastime for operation bite mark. God, it hurt to think about them._ _ _

___“You know you actually have to contribute, ten thousand,” Murphy scolded him. His cold expression showed no sign of the assault from a few days before._ _ _

___This was why 10k had avoided Murphy at all costs. Just looking at him sent adrenaline running. 10k’s body recalled it even better than his mind. His hands shook slightly, his heart rate higher than normal. His ears began to wring, god what was he going to do? What if Murphy did it again-_ _ _

___“Hey!” Murphy snapped at him. “I’m talking to you.” The world returned in clarity. It had to, because Murphy wanted it to. “I want you to take Marcus to the dam. Guard him and his team while they try and get it running.”_ _ _

___10k gave a curt nod in response._ _ _

___Murphy tutted him, “that’s all I get? I thought you’d show more respect, 10k.”_ _ _

___“Yes Murphy,” 10k heard himself speak._ _ _

___“Good boy,” Murphy’s lips curled into a malevolent smile. 10k shuddered, unable to prevent it, vividly sent back to collapsing to the floor, Murphy praising him with those exact words for-for what? Being forced into that?_ _ _

___“Come on! Murphy is hoping we’ll set up some electricity, at least to the main building, in a few weeks,” a short man with a bite on his cheek waved 10k along. He’d been an engineer before the end times._ _ _

___“I was thinking, if we get electricity working in Spokane, we’ll be able to start expanding!” The man chatted quite merrily as he moved past the refugees towards the road. “At the rate people are coming, we’ll need more housing. It’s nice to know Murphy is able to help so many people, especially when dr. Merch finishes her vaccine.”_ _ _

___10k gritted his teeth, knowing he wouldn’t be allowed to voice his more colorful perspective on Murphy’s actions._ _ _

___The dam was overrun. Zs, some caught in machinery, others simply wandering the building they had died in, prevented progress. So 10k spent the day smelling rot and leading these sick _things _out into the light where they would be taken back to Murphy’s growing defenses.___ _ _

___“It’s all cleared out, sir,” Marcus reported back to Murphy who now paced, rather theatrically, in his chambers._ _ _

___“Marcus, I’ve told you, there’s no need to call me sir,” Murphy chastised the man goodnaturedly, reeking of false humility._ _ _

___“Of course s- Murphy,” Marcus said, he almost looked flustered while talking to Murphy. God, were they all really that in love with him? “We’ve finished clearing, and I’m going to assess the damage more thoroughly tomorrow. It’s mostly intact.”_ _ _

___Both of them, 10k and the idiot in front of him, reeked of rot and mildew from wrangling the Zs from a building that likely hadn’t been opened in years. It had taken them most of the day, enough that they had walked home in the dark, and 10k was genuinely contemplating firing off his gun next to his ear so he wouldn’t have to hear Marcus utter another good word towards Murphy._ _ _

___“Go get washed up, Marcus. The showers downstairs don’t have running water yet, but feel free to heat up some water and use that,” Murphy sent Marcus away._ _ _

___10k had feared he would do that._ _ _

___Silence. Murphy stared at him, his hands folded behind his back, only candles lighting the room now._ _ _

___“The room you’ve been staying in, I gave it to a family. They need it more than you do,” Murphy broke the silence._ _ _

___10k, in any other life, would have gladly supported it. Only hatred of Murphy made him annoyed by this. Especially because Murphy probably did it to annoy him. As if he cares if the family stayed outside in the tents or in the museum._ _ _

___“You could always stay with me, 10k,” Murphy said it, knowing it would unsettle him and that he would never accept it. 10k preferred his closet, thank you very much._ _ _

___Murphy paused, waiting for a reaction. 10k said nothing. “You’ve changed, 10k. You’ve pulled back,” Murphy said. “Almost as if I’ve done something wrong.”_ _ _

___10k shifted restlessly, but still did not speak. Especially since everything he would say would not get past his Murphy filter._ _ _

___“You hate me,” Murphy stated the obvious. “I can feel it. Literally. I’m not the forgiving type, but it’s not my fault you’re so, _reactive _to the consequences.”___ _ _

___“You’re sick. Insane too,” 10k eventually spoke softly. 10k waited, his body tense, for his fingers to dig into his palms or for him to bite into his tongue._ _ _

___Murphy stepped down from the platform lining the windows. Candlelight made things all the more ominous._ _ _

___10k had not expected for Murphy to be the one to backhand him hard enough he was thrown back. Murphy didn’t do his own dirty work. Once the spots faded from his vision, 10k refocused, glaring unyieldingly at the vile man before him. Did he really expect him to crumble because he got hit? 10k had seen more fights during this apocalypse than Murphy ever would. Not with there always someone protecting the precious cure._ _ _

___Murphy was too close to him. 10k could feel his fight or flight response try desperately to take over, but it was suppressed. Like every other part of him. He could feel Murphy’s breath on his face. It smelled of toothpaste. A foreign and somewhat unnerving scent in the apocalypse. Doc’s breath always smelled like morning breath mixed with weed. Unpleasant, but much preferred to Murphy breathing on him right now. He thought on it fondly, if anything._ _ _

___“You smell like death,” Murphy said, his voice soft in a way that made the hairs on 10k’s neck stand up. Except for the scarring which was devoid of hairs. 10k wasn’t sure if Murphy had been listening in on his musings or had simply happened to comment on it._ _ _

___“Strip.”_ _ _

___10k felt like his skin was going numb. Whether it was a panic reaction or Murphy’s bite trying extra hard to tamp down 10k’s desperate attempts to resist. Despite the war going on inside his head, 10k’s actions showed no sign of resistance other than his trembling hands._ _ _

___10k had to obey, but he did his best to prolong it. He knelt down, hating the vulnerable position, but deciding that removing his boots was a far better start than any other type of exposure. 10k had never taken so long undoing his laces._ _ _

___Murphy watched him with no apparent impatience, but 10k felt his hands move faster at his bidding. 10k didn’t even undress to sleep, and the last time he had even gotten close to nudity was when he, Doc, Vasquez, and the blue asshole himself had gone into the edge of a river with a bottle of dish soap because Warren and Addy couldn’t take it anymore. Even then, 10k had kept his boxers on for the majority of it - which Murphy had teased - and, to prevent truly feeling naked, had left his weapons on a rock within arms reach._ _ _

___Now he bothered to take off his socks, if only to slow things down. Yet once that was done, panic began to set in. He didn’t want to undress and he definitely didn’t want to be unarmed (despite his inability to defend himself) but the sniper on his back was next to go. Then his jacket._ _ _

___10k felt blood pounding in his ears, a strange mixture of shame and fear overtaking him. He even took off his goggles, as if that second of time would prevent the inevitable. 10k kept his eyes locked on the ground, painfully aware that Murphy was watching him. Worse, he seemed to be enjoying himself._ _ _

___10k pulled his t-shirt over his head with shaking hands. His feet were growing cold on the hardwood floors. 10k froze, shaking, actually managing to stop himself, but only for a moment. 10k watched his hands move without his command and undo his belt, his pants joining his other clothing on the floor. Then, he stopped. His definition of “strip” stopped here, therefore, so did Murphy’s command._ _ _

___“Feeling bashful, ten thousand?” Murphy said mockingly. “Don’t worry, no one is going to walk in. I said strip.”_ _ _

___10k’s boxers joined the pile. 10k’s entire body was trembling so violently he thought his teeth might start to chatter. 10k was a sniper. Steadiness was in his blood. Even in the middle of a firefight or a hoard of Zs he could still his entire body. Now his body reacted without him to the fear he was unable to tamp down._ _ _

___“Do you like this room, 10k?” Murphy drawled. He seemed to enjoy the sound of his own voice and was in no hurry to get 10k’s trauma over with, obviously enjoying the humiliation of 10k being forced to stand there. “I’m thinking it will be my office. The bank downtown has a beautiful oak desk that I’m planning on having moved here.” 10k’s eyes remained locked on the ground, listening intently, not for Murphy’s words, but any indication of him stepping closer._ _ _

___“It’s convenient too. While you’ve spent the past few days screwing around in the woods, I’ve been returning us to civilization,” Murphy said. 10k didn’t know why Murphy bothered to monologue, just to see 10k driven mad by the waiting game? “It’s going to be perfect. Just through there will be Lucy’s room,” he pointed to an adjacent door to the right. “And there, mine,” he pointed to the doorway to the left. “She’ll always be close,” it was the first time 10k had heard something nearly human from him._ _ _

___Then it vanished under is general malevolent Murphyness. “I even had a bed assembled. Had to take apart one in one of those pretentious suburban mcmansions and bring it back. And obviously I got the mattress from a mattress store. No way I would lie in the filth of a _used _one,” Murphy’s lip curled in disgust. As if he hadn’t been snoring in the back of a filthy pickup truck a few months ago. “When was the last time you slept in a bed, 10k? Or did you not have those in your cabin in the woods?”___ _ _

___10k was very cold now. Physical or mental, it didn’t matter. Of course Murphy’s ranting wouldn’t last forever and eventually they would return to the torture._ _ _

___“Go get on the bed,” Murphy told him, his words soft and calculating, waiting for a reaction._ _ _

___10k could feel his heartbeat in his head, its desperate attempts at life overtaking all other sound as his body walked forward, his mind only a passenger._ _ _

___The bed was perfect for a megalomaniac with an ego. A massive four poster, oil lamps and solar powered lanterns illuminated it while the rest of Murphytown cowered around fires, attempting to banish the dark. 10k sat in the middle of the bed, knees tucked into his chest to try and shield himself. The mattress was incredibly soft and the sheets - god, the sheets smelled _clean _. A little musty like everything else in the apocalypse, but still, it smelled like detergent.___ _ _

___Despite the luxury 10k would do anything to be somewhere else. Preferably with clothes on. 10k actually flinched when Murphy’s silhouette leered in the doorway._ _ _

___“You want this, don’t you, ten thousand?” Murphy said. 10k preferred his shouting and rude threats to how _softly _Murphy spoke to him.___ _ _

___“Yes,” 10k heard himself speak. No, no, _NO _. 10k just wished Murphy would knock him out so he wouldn’t remember what was to come. Technically now, Murphy could proudly say that 10k had given his consent. What a cruel joke.___ _ _

___“I’m going to give you full control of your body, ten thousand,” Murphy told him. This threw 10k for a moment. Because as far as he could tell from the tether forcing him to connect to Murphy’s mind, he wasn’t lying._ _ _

___Speaking of tethers._ _ _

___Murphy moved from the shadows, the same dirty coil of rope 10k had used to drag along Zs was in his long, skeletal hands. “But you move too much, 10k.”_ _ _

___10k felt his wrists present themselves willingly to be bound. The only part of his body that was still behaving of his will was his heart, which continued to beat furiously in defiance. Adrenaline couldn’t help him now._ _ _

___Murphy’s touch was so tender. Without aggression, or the hatred 10k knew they shared. Somehow that was all the more terrifying. “Double half hitch,” Murphy said softly, his face far too close to 10k’s. The moment he said those words 10k wanted desperately to tear into Murphy’s stupid fucking face. He didn’t need a knife. He would use his bare hands if he had to. What kind of sick psychopath probes around in someone’s mind, finds the knot he used to bind his father before he turned, and uses it to bind him?_ _ _

___“Did that strike a _cord _with you, 10k?” Murphy seemed amused. “Get it, cord? Like a rope?” When 10k didn’t respond Murphy simply shrugged and moved to tie the rope to the headboard of the bed. 10k’s body went along with it like a machine. Murphy finished off by binding his legs, rendering him helpless, lying on his stomach, Murphy’s hands toying with fistfuls of his hair, just to watch him shudder.___ _ _

___Then, his hold on 10k’s body vanished. Murphy had been true to his word, now that 10k was immobile, he was allowed to struggle as much as he wanted._ _ _

___“You sick fucking bastard, stay away from me!” The words poured from 10k’s lips like water being let from a dam. He yanked his wrists against his bonds, kicking furiously. And Murphy had the audacity to _laugh _.___ _ _

___“Those knots really do work, don’t they, kid?” Murphy said. Murphy was on top of him. 10k heard a belt being undone._ _ _

___“No, no, please! You don’t have to do this!” 10k pleaded desperately. Finally in control of his body and he was helpless._ _ _

___Murphy leaned down, his beard brushing against 10k’s cheek as he whispered in his ear, “that’s the thing kid, I _want _to do this.” 10k flinched away from his words and for the first time since the apocalypse started, 10k was sobbing. Of course he had wept when he thought Doc was dead, or when he had lost Cassandra, but for the first time in years he was letting out gasping, heaving sobs, as if it would make a difference.___ _ _

___“Don’t worry, kid. I’ve never been with a man, but I heard it all the time back in the penitentiary. The bitches were always quiet by morning,” Murphy told him. Then he let out a single sharp laugh, “god, you’re still a virgin, kid! All that time Addison wasted on telling you you’d find some nice girl in the apocalypse…”_ _ _

___It was such a trivial thought, but 10k hadn’t expected it to hurt like it did. For it to feel like being torn apart, so much so that his cries of pain were enough for Murphy to cover his mouth. Murphy could have stopped his screaming and struggling with a single thought, but he seemed to enjoy it, dominating him physically rather than mentally._ _ _

___“Well, guess blood makes good lube, kid,” Murphy continued to mock him, even when he finally got off of him. “You’re welcome to stay the night, least I can do, maybe we’ll have breakfast in the morning,” he told him as he untied 10k’s bonds, at the same time, 10k felt Murphy’s presence violate his mind once again, preventing any reaction, whether to try and kill Murphy or himself, from occurring._ _ _

___10k’s wrists were red and raw from his struggling. His entire body ached. 10k forced himself to stand, clinging to the wall for support, his eyes somewhat glassy. He had to get out. Before Murphy made him stay. He stumbled forward, gathering his clothes with shaking hands and bruised wrists._ _ _

___It was too dark to see clearly, but he knew there was blood between his legs. 10k tried to push the thought aside and forced himself to get dressed. He held his sniper for a moment, staring at it and willing himself to pull the trigger._ _ _

___“You did good, kid. Don’t make me have to punish you for a suicide attempt,” Murphy spoke from the doorway, looking perfectly at ease despite his crimes._ _ _

___10k said nothing, merely strapped the gun to his back and moved towards the hall. His legs felt like jelly but he forced himself to walk faster, anything to put distance between him and that monster._ _ _

___10k stumbled back to the cool darkness of the closet at the back of the kitchens. Once inside, he pulled the shelving in front of the door, despite knowing Murphy could simply order him to remove it if he so chooses._ _ _

___10k sunk back against the back wall, pulling at his own hair as if to remove the feeling of Murphy’s hands running through them. He made no attempt to sleep, his heartbeat refusing to slow despite the exhaustion of his body, but eventually, sleep found him._ _ _


	4. Chapter 4

10k woke up far later than he was used to. What woke him was, of course, Murphy. Demanding he join him in his office. 10k’s entire body ached, each step sending sharp pain shooting up his back. 10k was forced upstairs, his shoulders hunched. He entered the same room that had caused his suffering the night before.

“We need to talk,” Murphy told him. 10k said nothing, his eyes remained locked on the ground and Murphy’s words felt painfully distinct on his ears. “You can’t keep wearing that. It may be the apocalypse, but here in Murphytown we do not wear our clothes into the ground. Find… find something else. Then report back. You and Will are going to accompany me on my rounds. Keep the riff raff at bay,” Murphy dismissed him and 10k all but fled the room. 

He stopped in the hallway, his breathing already sharper from fear. His hair was filthy and 10k did not want to know about the state of his body. He went downstairs to the main supply room. There, piles of clothing, collections of soap and blankets, were being collected. 10k rummaged through the mound of clothing, cringing when he picked up a shirt stiff with dried blood. He needed something defensible, practical. 10k went for a pair of camo pants and a thick brown jacket. Only to be forced to put them back. 

_do you not understand what I’m trying to do here? Pick out something black._

__So he couldn’t even decide what he wore now? 10k found a grey shirt, long sleeves, provided coverage enough if he found a - black - jacket. Actually… 10k pulled out a black jumpsuit from the pile. He liked the idea of a jumpsuit. Harder to take off his body than pants. 10k took what he had and headed to the showers._ _

__Well, showers he used loosely. The actual showers still had no water so there instead were basins of water to wash and a strange mixture of soaps - dish soap, bar soap, hand soap, but no shampoo his hair would remain greasy then. Great._ _

__10k was suddenly made aware of the fact that he would have to remove his clothes for this part. This stopped him in his tracks. The showers were empty, he was alone, but that was little consolation to him. 10k went to a basin, soaking a towel and putting hand soap on it. Here he paused and took a deep breath. It didn’t mean anything. Taking off his jacket was nothing. 10k pulled his sniper over his head, laying it next to him within reach, and took of his jacket. Even that made him nauseated. 10k hissed as the cloth rubbed against the raw skin around his wrists. Rope burn from his resistance. He scrubbed down every available patch of skin, somehow still not feeling cleaner, to avoid removing more clothing. Eventually, he had to. 10k glanced back at the door before dragging a barrel of water in front of it. A pathetic protection._ _

__10k took off his shirt and immediately felt his thoughts blur and his legs go weak. He clung to the side of the water barrel for support. After a moment focused only on breathing, 10k rubbed his skin raw and he still did not feel clean. Eventually he gave up, throwing the old shirt aside as it still smelled of rot. He pulled on the new shirt, feeling grateful for the long sleeves._ _

__10k sighed, he told himself that the act of taking off his clothes did nothing. That the door was barred and Murphy was busy. 10k was quick to remove his pants, planning on rushing through it so he could get dressed, but he stopped. There was blood dried on his legs along with other filth. The initial trigger of being exposed faded into the background as 10k’s new goal was to remove any evidence of what had happened to him._ _

__He felt so ashamed. He wasn’t sure why, he had done nothing wrong, in fact, he had done nothing at all. Murphy had done all of this _to _him. Somehow this did not help. Once the rest of his skin was pink from his almost obsessive scrubbing did he pull on the new jumpsuit. He zipped it up to mid-chest, there the zipper broke, but it was enough. His skin was covered. He finally laced up his boots, tied his belt tightly, and used a bandana to keep his hair out of his face.___ _

___Feeling slightly more functional, he moved to leave. Only to stop. There was a mirror in this room. A long thin one that had a large crack running down the middle, but a mirror nonetheless. The bags under his eyes had gotten worse. His skin looked sallow and waxy and his hair stood up chaotically. And his eyes. Even 10k could find no sign of life behind them, they were dulled to a shell. 10k couldn’t explain what had happened to him. The closest thing he could think of was rape, but didn’t that only happen to women? Evil men drugging their drinks or abducting them from their cars? That sort of thing, right? 10k found no answers in his reflection._ _ _

___He looked away, the sight almost terrifying him, and forced himself back into Murphy’s presence. Will, Will Chaffin, he believed, the husband of the first family was chatting with Murphy at perfect ease. His presence somehow comforted 10k, hoping Murphy would be less inclined to act with a witness._ _ _

___“Took you long enough,” Murphy said upon noticing him. “Come here,” he waved him over, pointing down at the fenced off land bellow. More refugees had gathered._ _ _

___“No matter where you run, they will always find you,” Murphy said. God, he was going to start monologuing again. “Looks like we have some Murphy-seeking squatters in the cheap seats,” despite his false annoyance, he looked oddly satisfied with his growing flock._ _ _

___“Just finished repairing that section of the fence,” Will spoke. “Would you like to show me where to put the compost pile?” His voice sounded oddly numb. 10k supposed that’s how they all sounded, when not reverent to Murphy._ _ _

___“Yes,” Murphy nodded smartly before turning and heading out, knowing Will and 10k would follow._ _ _

___He continued discussing the logistics of making the region livable, a normally respectable conversation, made only pretentious and irritating by Murphy._ _ _

___A man all but ran to Murphy once they left the gate. Against his own will, 10k raised his gun to him. The man was pleading for help._ _ _

___“No no. Let him come,” Murphy waved them to lower their weapons, as if he had not been the one to force them to raise them, and continued his masquerade of a benevolent leader._ _ _

___Soon after, he turned them away. All of the people desperate for help. He told them to wait, soon there would be a vaccine, soon they would be freed from fear._ _ _

___10k wanted desperately to warn them. They should be running from this place. If they stayed, they would never be free again. He only hoped they would be spared from his treatment from Murphy. God… there were kids here. Young women too. That would definitely be rape. He knew that for sure._ _ _

___“Ten thousand, stay on guard. I doubt the locals will stay calm for long,” Murphy ordered. “Report back to me if anything changes.”_ _ _

___10k didn’t mind. It meant he would remain outside instead of near _him _. 10k stood by the door to the museum, his body still aching, the sore skin around his wrists burned and itched. Worse, he was now alone with his thoughts. And they kept on coming back to Murphy’s hands on him and the pain he had caused. Why did he feel ashamed? Why could he place no name to the assault he had been through?___ _ _

___Even this state did not last. Eventually, he noticed pairs of refugees barreling past the gate, demanding to see Murphy. With a tired sigh, 10k went inside. His orders were to report if anything changes._ _ _

___He found Murphy in Dr. Merch’s lab. While Merch also had a bite marring her cheek, there was something more human left in her. Maybe it was the bitterness she held when treating Murphy._ _ _

___“Some of the refugees won’t take no for an answer,” 10k told him. “I just saw two of them inside the fence.”_ _ _

___“The natives are getting restless,” Murphy put on his coat, seeming irritated. “We need that vaccine now,” he told Merch. This was not a ‘we’ situation. It was a Murphy problem that he had enslaved people into._ _ _

___Part of 10k wondered if Murphy was lonely, having no real people for company. As if. Murphy was never liked before now, this was a dream come true for the self absorbed asshole. 10k flinched at the headache caused by this thought. God, that was annoying._ _ _

___“It should be ready within 48 hours,” Merch told him. 10k stared at her, his jaw rigid. These people were doomed, then. Worse, she was making 10,000 doses. Murphy could taint the remaining population of the state with that much of the drug._ _ _

___Murphy ranted for a moment about how _his _people needed that vaccine. His. Ownership. 10k was quick to step to the side as Murphy passed him, not even wanting their skin to brush. 10k was relieved to find Murphy had not left him with orders. He put down his sniper, arms folded across his chest, feeling nothing short of a depressive state at what was to come.___ _ _

___This did not last long as a moment later there was a sharp pain in his neck and he collapsed, chest heaving, his body seizing, choking as his mouth began to froth, heart rate dangerously unsteady. Blackness._ _ _

___“Hey, how are you doing?” A soft voice reached him and the doctor’s face swam into view. “Can you sit up?” She helped lift him from the floor, 10k’s mind felt… fuzzy. Different._ _ _

___“What happened?” He asked, words almost slurred. He turned to Merch reproachfully, his memories returning. “You stabbed me.”_ _ _

___“You were under Murphy’s control. The bite on your neck,” Merch told him. As she did, 10k realized he could focus. His thoughts came more easily to him and there was nothing blocking his awareness that his free will was damned. All because of that stupid bite._ _ _

___“What?” He asked her. It was hard to come to after so long in a haze. His hand went to his neck. The bite was there alright, so why could he think?_ _ _

___“I gave you a dose of the original HZN1 vaccine,” she told him. “It counters the bite and frees us from Murphy’s control. I’ve been taking it too.” She bit her lip. “I need your help.”_ _ _

___10k’s first fear was that Murphy was tormenting her too, but she had a different focus._ _ _

___She rummaged through her work, “Murphy wants to save humanity by turning them into human-zombie blends,” her words seemed almost sarcastic._ _ _

___10k managed to force himself to stand, “what are we gonna do?”_ _ _

___“We need to destroy the vaccine,” she held a messenger bag. “These injectors are our boosters. “Without them we’ll slowly slip back under his control.”_ _ _

___“When do we take them next?” 10k asked. He wasn’t exactly excited by the idea of inducing a seizure again._ _ _

___“You’ll know when, just don’t wait too long,” Merch told him. That was vaguely ominous. “And be careful, we’re immune to Murphy’s control, but not to the zombies anymore.” She was stuffing things into the bag, supplies. What was she planning? “And the Zs know it, go get a vehicle, I will meet you out front after I destroy the batch.” They were getting out of here. 10k liked this plan, the worry in Merch’s eyes, not so much._ _ _

___“Where are we going?” 10k asked. If he could just find Warren again…_ _ _

___Merch paused. She hadn’t thought this far ahead, “I don’t know, away from Murphy.” That was good enough for him. 10k nodded, his head still spinning. Merch moved back to her work._ _ _

___“Wait,” 10k stopped, his hand going to the bite on his neck. Merch looked to him, obviously wondering what was so important that he stopped her now. 10k wasn’t sure either. “Can-” He sighed. “Can men-Can guys get raped?”_ _ _

___Merch stopped, her urgency faded to one of pity. Her voice was far softer now, “10k, why would you ask me something like that?” 10k shrugged, unable to justify himself. All he knew was that he was desperate to put a name to what had happened to him. As if it would make a difference. “Yes. Of course. It doesn’t matter the gender, anyone can assault anyone and anyone can be assaulted,” she said. “10k, did something happen?”_ _ _

___“I’ll go find us a car,” he turned to leave._ _ _

___“10k, if something has happened, you should be examined-”_ _ _

___“We’ll figure it out once we’re away from here,” 10k pushed, leaving before she could get another word in._ _ _

___10k steadied himself in the hall. There was no time to drown in self pity, he needed to move. He headed downstairs, hearing a commotion come up to meet him. The refugees had picked the worst possible time to break in._ _ _

___10k saw Will coming to join him on the stairs and 10k raised his gun to the refugees as it was probably what he was supposed to be doing. He kept his finger off the trigger. These were innocent people._ _ _

___That same man from the day before carried an injured woman’s body with him, pleading for Murphy to save her. 10k knew it was cruel, but he hoped she died before Murphy could turn her into one of his minions._ _ _

___Murphy joined them as well and 10k shuddered, wondering if he could detect a difference in his mind. 10k could still feel Murphy’s presence in the back of his head, even register his orders, the only difference was he was no longer compelled to obey. It was more than enough._ _ _

___“I’m sorry, but I can’t,” Murphy told them. 10k didn’t trust an ounce of the remorse he apparently felt. And now that 10k’s head was clear, he despised being near the man even more. “It would kill me, and then we would all die.”_ _ _

___The man shook the woman’s body, which had now gone still. She jerked forward, turned. 10k had gotten his wish, but he didn’t feel any better about it._ _ _

___Murphy sedated the woman, or her corpse, whatever it was, and turned to the man who seemed almost hysterical in grief. “She can be a part of the moat guard, if you like,” Murphy told him. 10k wanted to shoot him in the head right there and then. He could take the shot. He could, but he didn’t know what the consequences would be._ _ _

___“Sorry for your loss,” Murphy threw the words carelessly over his shoulder before returning upstairs._ _ _

___10k went to the row of hooks by the front door. The car keys there were unguarded. No need to protect them when no one had the free will to steal them, right? He grabbed the keys to the pickup. It was parked out front already, closer was better._ _ _

___10k gathered supplies, knowing that getting caught packing was probably more dangerous than anything. Packing could not be misconstrued. 10k collected all the weapons he had had before the submarine along with loading a pack with rations. Practical, as always._ _ _

___10k headed outside, Will now herding the refugees to their proper place. The moment he entered the yard, he registered another problem. All the Zs surrounding the encampment were now very interested in him._ _ _

___10k saw another pair of blends heading for the gate, if he walked through with them, would anyone notice a few erratic Zs? He quickly followed behind them, hearing that familiar snarling far too close behind him. He walked faster. The truck. He knew where the keys were. He headed around the fence, hoping if he ignored the Zs crowding the fence behind him it would prevent suspicion. 10k threw his bags into the bed, knowing if he was standing around with a bag packed he wouldn’t go unnoticed for long._ _ _

___10k felt a prickling on the back of his neck. Whether it was fear of the Zs gathered behind him or… he looked up to the three arching windows where he knew Murphy would be. He only prayed the man didn’t bother to look down._ _ _

___10k was agitated. He didn’t like waiting. How hard was it to destroy something? Couldn’t she just pour the vaccines down the drain and be done with it? He returned to the lab where she was bent over her worktable._ _ _

___“I’m all loaded up. Let’s get your stuff and let’s go,” 10k told her, anxiety growing. They had been here too long. There were too many of Murphy’s eyes on them._ _ _

___Merch didn’t respond. “Dr. Merch?” He pulled on her shoulder, getting her to turn and face him. 10k felt his blood run cold. Another bite mark marred her other cheek._ _ _

___Footsteps. Murphy came around the corner, smug as ever. “I’m sorry, are you looking for these?” He said, holding up the bag that contained his free will. “I’m sorry, but these are for me,” Murphy said mockingly. He already knew he’d won. “But you do look like you could use a little Murphy booster, to keep you in line.” 10k stepped back as Murphy got closer. He would not let Murphy touch him, let alone sink his teeth back into his neck._ _ _

___“Don’t worry. I don’t have to bite you again,” Murphy told him. 10k hated how easily he controlled and manipulated. “You can be the first to try the new blend vaccine,” Murphy had a syringe. 10k would’ve preferred a gun. 10k shoved him back, grabbing the bag of the original vaccine and backing away from him and Merch, who now approached with a taser and glassy eyes._ _ _

___He couldn't stay here. He couldn’t take it. Murphy owning him again and who knows what consequences there would be for 10k’s escape attempt. Even Murphy’s eyes on him felt like a violation. 10k was a cornered animal. And after everything, he didn’t have limits._ _ _

___Murphy approached him again and 10k, all logic abandoned, dived for the window. Glass tore into his skin and he swore a rib broke when he slammed into the bed of the truck, gasping for breath. Murphy still leered above him, three stories up. Come on, 10k. You just have to get behind the wheel and get some miles between you and Spokane. He heaved his bruised body up only to see someone was already in the driver’s seat. Will had beat him to it._ _ _

___10k jumped out of the truck bed, adrenaline numbing his pain, he clung to the bag like a lifeline and sprinted ahead. He could hear Murphy screaming after him, but the blood pounding in 10k’s ears removed all focus from his mind besides _run _.___ _ _


	5. Chapter 5

First it had been cold.

Then, all a haze.

10k had survived, barely, escaping Will and whatever had been lurking in the woods by drenching his shirt in blood and leaving it behind.

That had been Red’s idea. Well, not really. But that… hallucination had saved his life.

Only for him to freeze in the rain and starve. He was lucky to get three hours of sleep in the night - even then he was plagued by nightmares - only to wake up lost, hiding along the edge of the road, putting miles between him and Spokane. Praying that somehow, Warren and the others would drive by.

Eventually his body grew too weak to inject himself. The seizures became too much. Then, somehow: His body had been moved out of the elements, into a white room, but he was never conscious enough to focus. All he knew was his freedom was fading. Murphy’s voice called to him and the only thing that prevented him returning it was that he was half dead.

Then, 10k was sure he was seeing another hallucination. Doc’s face swam before him. He heard that soft voice tell him, “I’m gonna get you outta here, kid.” And then he was alone again.

Strange things happened. Doc carried him out of some abandoned hospital full of strange people, and consciousness soon became too much for him.  
But he was jarred into focus by Doc seeing his exposed neck.

“You’ve been bit! Murphy bit you!” Doc was already distressed. This was the icing on the cake. “That’s what’s wrong with you!” Doc suddenly held 10k close to his chest, as if trying to hug the life back into him. “Goddamnit, Murphy… I’m so sorry, kid. I’m gonna fix this.” 10k felt himself melt into Doc’s shoulder, all the pain of his aching bones finally off his own shoulders. Relief.

“If I have to track down that bastard and make the damn vaccine myself,” he shook 10k a bit as if to get the half conscious boy to understand him. Doc was questioning him about the original vaccine. He wasn’t capable of a coherent thought to explain. “We’ve got to get you back to Warren and Sun Mei. They’ll know what to do.”

This shocked 10k back into awareness. “You can’t tell Warren about the bite. Not anybody.”

“Well we have to kid. Otherwise they can’t help you,” Doc was shocked by 10k’s sudden reaction.

“Don’t tell them,” 10k was pleading. Doc held his weakened body up, holding his head gently. “Please, I’m not like Cassandra. I don’t want them to think of me like that.” Didn’t want them to think of him like what he was. Dead and out of control. 10k couldn’t stop rambling. “I’m not one of those-” 10k cut himself off. “Promise me.”

“I don’t know, kid,” Doc’s heart was breaking. This was not the boy he knew. He was damaged.

“Promise me.”

It was all he could take. 10 collapsed forward, leaning into Doc’s warm chest as unconsciousness swam over him.

The last thing he heard was, “when I see Murphy I’m gonna punch his teeth in.”

Nightmares were all that followed.

Murphy on top of him.

Teeth sinking into his neck.

Defenseless.

The haze didn’t truly lift until suddenly he was home again.

Warren and Addy’s faces swam into view. Doc not far behind. 

“10k?”

He woke with a start in the back of a van, his head had been laid on a pile of bags as a pillow.

“Let me out,” 10k stumbled unstably to his feet. There, he collapsed onto the road, limbs still weak.

“You’re not looking too good, kid,” Doc hovered nervously.

“Yeah I don’t feel so good,” 10k replied blearily. Voices talked over him but the world was still fuzzy.

He refocused on Escorpion. Who, not two months ago, had been working very hard to kill them. He scrambled back.

“Hey hey hey. 10k, it’s okay. He’s with us now,” Warren calmed him.

“She’s right. You don’t have to worry about me no more. I’m with you now, bro,” Escorpion told him. Not the weirdest thing to happen in the apocalypse.

10k took Warren’s hand, she pulled the far taller boy up, him stumbling slightly, relieved to have Warren to stabilize him, in more ways than one.

“You okay?” She asked him. 10k nodded woosily. “Look at you, you got chest hairs,” Warren teased him gently, and 10k pulled the tattered jumpsuit higher on his shoulders, smiling a little uneasily. He couldn’t quite believe he was really there.

“Good to see you conscious,” Warren pulled him into a hug.

Addy came next, holding him for longer, swaying slightly, as she held him tight. No words needed.

Warren refocused the group. They had things to do. “Alright. We got a lot of catching up to do, but first- you told Doc that Murphy is in Spokane?”

“Yeah,” 10k nodded. “But he’s different,” 10k didn’t know how to explain the corruption Murphy bore now. “He’s smarter. Crazier.” More twisted. “He’s got some kind of big plan and he’s not alone. He bites people. Controls them. It’s weird.” 10k wished he could translate the chilling feeling of cruel power he now held.

“How?” Warren pushed.

10k shook his head, deciding to go with something they definitely could understand: “well, everybody _likes _him.”__

__A somewhat confused silence fell. Broken by Addy, “that’s f’ed up.”_ _

__10k tilted his head in agreement._ _

__Doc offered him some water, which he accepted gratefully._ _

__“Is Dr Merch still alive?” A woman he did not recognize asked forcefully. He glanced to Warren, unsure._ _

__“It’s okay,” Warren told him._ _

__“Murphy bit her. Twice.”_ _

__“Son of a bitch,” Addy muttered, the rest shifted, discouraged._ _

__“With these bites, he controls her?” The woman was behind the learning curve._ _

__10k took another swig of water. “Yeah. Dr. Merch is making him a blend vaccine, so he can control more people without biting them.”_ _

__“You sure we need this guy alive?” Escorpion chipped in, and 10k quite agreed with him._ _

__“You can’t kill him,” 10k said firmly. His words surprised everyone, including himself. Not a good sign._ _

__Still, they moved on. On foot now, as the van was dead._ _

__10k quickly fell in beside Doc, Addy coming on his other side. “So. Are we… friends with Escorpion now?”_ _

__“Dude went full Apocalypse, man,” Doc shrugged. “Had one of them ‘come to Jesus’ moments. Goes by Hector now.”_ _

__“What about Vasquez?” 10k noticed someone was missing from their ranks._ _

__“Haven’t seen him since California,” Addy said._ _

__So. By apocalypse standards. Dead._ _

__“Probably ran himself into a horde of Zs,” Addy agreed._ _

__“Suicide by zombie,” Doc added._ _

__“Who’s she?” 10k asked._ _

__“When you and Murphy were on the boat, some Asian folks paid us a visit…”_ _

__Doc’s voice went fuzzy. His hand shook as he clutched the water bottle._ _

__With some effort, 10k forced his hand to steady and focused hard on the conversation and the people around him._ _

__He was safe now. He just had to hold onto it._ _

__They cleared away bodies and hunted for a working car. 10k stared as Sun Mei and Warren talked over the bag which held the vaccine. He was terrified his hold on himself was slipping. And he didn’t know how he would get it back without telling his entire family he was… tainted. In more ways than one._ _

__“Hey! 10k! Give me a hand over here, will ya?” Doc called to him, shaking him out of his melancholy._ _

__Doc pulled him into an abandoned building._ _

__“Kid, we gotta talk,” Doc told him. Great. He sat him down at a desk. “We have got to tell Warren. You gotta trust her, man.”_ _

__It wasn’t about trust. It was about shame. He didn’t want to face the look in their eyes once they knew._ _

__“No. Please,” 10k kept pleading, knowing if Doc chose to tell he could do nothing to stop him. “I can handle it, okay?” He said as Doc shook his head. 10k was actually barely coping. And Doc was so worried about him, and 10k hated to force him into this. “Just give me a little more time to get Murphy out of my head.” Doc didn’t look convinced. “I’m feeling better,” he lied._ _

__“You don’t look it,” Doc said almost scoldingly._ _

__“There you are, 10k,” Warren interrupted. “What do you know about this?” She held one of the injectors. She was patient, giving him time to respond. Their compassion made this all the harder._ _

__“These had to come fro my airdrop, but what’s inside them?” Sun Mei added. “They should be empty.” The doctor sounded almost suspicious._ _

__“I dunno what’s in them,” 10k lied. “Doctor Merch gave them to me to keep them safe.”_ _

__Warren was giving him a look. One of her classic ‘you better be straight with me or there are gonna be problems’ looks. “Really?”_ _

__“I dunno,” 10k was a terrible liar. Doc, who wouldn’t meet anyone’s eyes, was a terrible accomplice. “Umm, well, she was giving Murphy some booster shots, to keep him from turning more zombie,” he had to offer up some truth. “Maybe that’s what’s in them. Maybe they’re for Murphy.”_ _

__Sun Mei made a guess that it was the original vaccine and 10k let their theories run from there. As long as they didn’t tie them to him. 10k nodded along.  
Warren was staring at him. He nodded to whatever she had just said, more terrified by that knowing look in her eyes than anything. “Okay,” Warren finally relented, leaving him be._ _

__10k didn’t even know how sick he looked. That all it took was one glance at his sallow face and the dark circles under his eyes to know something was wrong.  
He felt himself slipping further away._ _

__His words became warped._ _

__“He’s just trying to help people.” That had gotten strange looks. “...become blends.”_ _

__He didn’t know how much longer his head would be his._ _

__10k tried to savor the peace he had. Roughing it in the woods, surviving off of crickets and rationing water. That was paradise to him. Doc cuffing his shoulder when he seemed to get far away and Addy teasing him about how they had to find him new clothes._ _

__Of course. There was still a mission._ _

__Warren called attention._ _

__The way I see it, we got to split up.”_ _

__“Oh I hate it when we do that,” Doc huffed._ _

__“I get it. But we’ve got to stop Murphy and his blend army,” Warren, as always, was right._ _

__10k nodded along. Feeling his anxiety grow. He would most likely stay here. To take them to Murphy. But would Doc or the vaccine be going to find Lucy? He needed them both._ _

__10k helped pack a van, flinching ever so slightly when Warren clapped him on the back._ _

__“Hey, you said you saw a map, right?”_ _

__He nodded._ _

__“Can you draw what you saw?”_ _

__“Yeah.” It was easy to recall. He was linked to the man that had created it. “She’s in a little house on the edge of Springfield. There’s railroad tracks, and it said Old Route 57,” his hands moved confidently over the battered whiteboard. “She’s in the woods on a farm right here.”_ _

__“Alright. Doc and Addy, you guys go after Lucy,” Warren dished out orders._ _

__Shit. He wouldn’t have doc._ _

__“The rest of us will continue on to Spokane.”_ _

__Eventually, Escor- Hector, asked the question 10k had as well. “What’re we gonna do when we get to Spokane?”_ _

__“We’re gonna give him a good old fashioned spanking,” Warren said. She sounded so pissed 10k was pretty sure she was serious._ _

__“Right on.” Hector had a much better vibe than Escorpion._ _

__“10k, why don’t you help me make sure that fire’s out,” Doc pulled him aside once again. 10k could feel the rest of the group watching them._ _

__“10k, you’ve got to tell Warren and the others about the bite,” now Doc was pleading with him instead._ _

__“No, Doc,” 10k said firmly. “I don’t want them to look at me like I’m Murphy’s bitch.” He already felt ashamed enough as is, even though he wasn’t sure why. He hadn’t asked for what happened to him. “I just need one of those injectors from Sun Mei, and I’ll be fine. Just let me do this my way. Please, Doc.”  
Before Doc could respond Warren called them back._ _

__He had just found them again and now he had to say goodbye._ _

__“You take care of yourself,” Doc hugged him tight. He paused. “Think about what I said,” he added seriously._ _

__“I’ll be alright, Doc,” 10k said. It was a shame that the last thing he said to Doc was a lie, but he could not let Doc leave worrying._ _

__10k did his best to survive the drive, yet with each mile back he was losing ground. His head began to pound, but with focus, he could at least function.  
Enough for him to show Warren and the others the growing base._ _

__“Murphy’s compound is there. In the museum of progress,” 10k pointed it out._ _

___Obey me. Protect Murphy._ __

____It was back. The rest of the world became background noise as Murphy’s voice poured into his brain._ _ _ _

____“10k?”_ _ _ _

____“Sorry, what?” 10k returned to reality sharply._ _ _ _

____“How fortified is the compound?” Warren asked. She eyed him carefully._ _ _ _

____He managed to speak. Their voices still came across echoed._ _ _ _

____“Are you okay?” Sun Mei asked him, her voice jarring to his muddled brain._ _ _ _

____“Yeah… just hungry… I’m gonna go get some crickets,” 10k mumbled, quickly returning to the truck. He was out of time. He needed that vaccine._ _ _ _

____His hands shook as he scrambled through their supplies. They had to be here. He didn’t know how long he had until he had no more control.  
Warren came up beside him. 10k felt a strange coldness overtake him. Shame. And the same feeling of being cornered that he had had before fleeing Murphy before._ _ _ _

____“Looking for these?” She had two injectors in her hand. Hector and Sun Mei stood to the side, watching him carefully._ _ _ _

____10k acted on instinct, he smacked the injectors out of Warren’s hand, catching them before taking off running.  
Someone yanked him back by his collar._ _ _ _

____“He’s bit!” Hector shouted it like an accusation and 10k tore free, running on fear._ _ _ _

____“10k, let me help you!” Warren called desperately after him, but 10k was too afraid. He felt far too trapped and damaged to listen._ _ _ _


	6. Chapter 6

10k did not stop running until he was lost.

His palm was sweaty from where he had held onto the injectors so tightly. He looked around at the woods he had wound up in. A hundred yards to his left was the remains of a suburb. He needed somewhere safe to fall apart. 10k crept onto the back porch of a house, the glass back door was shattered, dirt and leaves had blown inside. He went to the kitchen, moving quietly and arming himself with a knife. 

He made it upstairs and found the floor deserted. No muffled groaning, no bodies even. They must’ve tried to run for it pre-z. 

10k went to the bathroom, shutting the door and using the curtain rod to jam the door. He still didn’t feel safe. 10k curled in the tub, sinking down, his body weighted with exhaustion as Murphy’s words screamed in his head, causing his head to pound. His hand shook as he held the injector. 

“Goddamnit, come on. You have to,” 10k geared himself up and plunged the needle into his neck. 

His body seized immediately. He would’ve blacked out anyways, but he managed to smack his head into the porcelain of the tub which put him out of his misery even faster. 

10k woke up freezing cold, dried vomit covering his left sleeve. 

He was dehydrated and weak, but his mind was his own. So he would cope. The sleeve was hanging on by a thread anyways so he simply tore it off. 10k stumbled to his feet, grabbing onto the remaining injector and the knife. These were his lifelines. He had a week at most before he was out of the drug and out of his mind. 

Night had fallen while he was out. The back of his head throbbed where it had been hit. 10k forced himself outside. It was cool. Enough so that it would be more practical if his shirt wasn’t in tatters. He needed water. The house had been turned over so that was worthless. He’d rather try and survive using the woods anyways. 

He broke into the house’s shed. There he found a hammer, a hunting knife, and a coil of rope. He could make a snare with the rope. If only he had his slingshot… 

Even he couldn’t just make a slingshot. The frame had to be balanced and the tension of the chord precise. If he had more time maybe… but water was a priority. He got a pack of matches from the kitchen. He could start a fire. Boil some water have it drinkable in a few hours. 10k slogged through the trees, a large pot under one arm, his hammer at the ready in the other. Zs were not his concern. 

He found a creek, swollen and muddy from the rain a few days before. Hauling back ten gallons of water was not ideal in his weakened state. He had to manage. He had to. 

“Come on, Tommy,” he muttered to himself. Imagining it was Red instead. He had never imagined hauling water to be so daunting. He made it to the back yard of that same house. It was dangerous to be this close to Spokane, but he needed the shelter. He lit a fire in the fireplace, the wood taking far longer to gather than it would have a month ago. 

Finally, he just had to wait for it to boil. He sat curled on the floor, fearing being visible if he stayed on the couch, watching the flames crackle and the water slowly start to simmer. 

10k realized with a twist in his gut that it was exactly like things had been after his dad died. Before he found the group. He had spent months existing in a state of pure, numb survival. Didn’t utter a word and stayed away from every human he could. 

He had nothing left to live for except the promise he had made to his father and the count that became his name. It was easier to go numb then. Now, he wasn’t even looking for Warren and the others, he was hiding, ashamed and lonely and knowing painfully that his people were still out there. 

It was harder to let them die. 

Not to mention, as far as he knew, he had a week left to live. 

He was used to surviving day by day, but now he could see the clock ticking. He couldn’t let himself get taken by Murphy and he couldn’t face his family. Best case scenario he would depend on them and the drug until the fight against Murphy was won or lost. Worst case… they would stop him. Like they tried to stop Cassandra. God, and if they knew what he was, what Murphy had done to him… 

He didn’t know what was worse. Pity or hatred. 

So, instead of confronting that unfortunate reality, he would drink the water he had worked so hard for and focus on the next step: something to eat. Big surprise, the cabinets had been cleared out accept for what was left to mold and a single can of cream of mushroom soup. Which was only slightly better than water. 

He had known the apocalypse long enough to assume the other houses were the same. 

The woods it is. He closed off the fire, not wanting it to die off completely so he would have to start from scratch. The woods were silent and dark. He didn’t think he could hunt for something in the night armed only with a knife. 

He headed out, deciding setting a snare was better than nothing. The woods were peaceful, crickets taking up the night as frost had not set in yet. He fumbled to tie knots in the dark, but feared if he had brought a light from the house it would stand out in the night. The trap was set in the groove of the brush were he knew something had tred. It was too dark to discern tracks, so he just had to hope. 

The house was cold. Just enough ember remained for him to restart the blaze. He pulled the tattered curtains tightly shut and closed the door to the living room. There was nothing more to be done with the backdoor shattered. 

He bothered to heat up the can. It was something to make this more bearable. 10k knew how to rough it, and this was far from it. He had shelter, a fire going, a tiny bit of food and clean water, he could manage that. 

But he would need to find more food in the morning. And maybe think of a plan. He could not waste what precious time he had left. 

The soup was hardly enough to help his starved body. He tried to fight back the hunger pangs with the tepid water. Then he finally curled on the ground before the fading flames and allowed sleep to overtake him. 

It was a worthless endeavor. 

Murphy was no longer controlling his mind, but he had far from left it. 

_good boy._

_I want to do this._

Phantom hands holding down his wrists. Echos of pain. 

10k jolted awake, his whole body tense. He refused to move. Convinced if he did suddenly he would return to that place and _him_. 

His eyes focused on the embers of the fire, letting them burn into his eyes and remove the image of Murphy towering over him and his hands pulling him closer by his hair. 

10k hadn’t realized what terrible things still existed in the world to be discovered. 

He learned the word rape when he was still young. Nine or so. The cashier at the corner store that he and his father would go to when the woods couldn’t provide. She had always been kind to him. She’d ask him about what he caught fishing or about his slingshot. Said she liked talking to him because the other boys were too boring. 

Tommy had only met her boyfriend once. He was a broad shouldered man with neat blond hair. He still wore his letterman’s jacket from high school, despite having graduated three years before. He had ruffled Tommy’s hair and called him “champ”. Tommy never saw him again. Especially after what followed. 

Then one night a group of men had come to the house. Speaking in hushed voices in the kitchen. Marie Clay’s boyfriend had attacked her. 

Their words had come out harsh. An anger he had never seen from his father. He told one of the men, a collection from around town, to call the Sheriff. 

To tell him to stay home for the night. 

“We protect our own,” Pa had said. “The law has nothing to do with this.” 

His father had told him to stay right there. That the neighbor would watch him. 

10k- well, only Tommy then, hadn’t been able to sleep because Joyce, the old woman from the farm ten miles down the road, wouldn’t stop pacing. Tommy had been far more frightened because she was crying. 

“What’s going on?” He had asked her. 

“Your daddy’s gonna be home real soon, sweetheart. Just go to bed,” she had replied. 

Thomas had done nothing of the sort. He had lied in bed, wide awake until some time past two his father came home. 

“Did you…?” He heard Joyce through the door. 

“He knows not to come back. What’ll happen if he does,” again his father had never sounded so… dangerous. 

“You’re a good man,” Joyce had said. A few more hushed words were exchanged and she left. 

“Come on out, son. I know you’re there,” Pa had always known. 

“Is… is Marie okay?” Tommy had asked. His father’s knuckles were bloodied. His gun was on the table. 

“Don’t know about that one, Tommy,” Pa let out a long sigh. 

“What’s… what’d he do? What’s… what’s rape?” He had asked. 

His father visibly stiffened. “You don’t miss a wink, do you?” He was quiet for a moment. Tommy knew better than to interrupt his thinking. “Marie’s boyfriend, the one who works- who _worked_ at the garage in town?” His son nodded. “He… he hurt Marie. Made her... fall asleep so she wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.” 

“I don’t understand.” 

His father struggled to explain an atrocity to a child. “You know how men and women, usually when they love each other, kiss and… are close to one another?” Tommy nodded again. “Well, if a lady says no, and a man still lays a hand on her… that’s what it is. What rape is.” 

Tommy felt a little ill. He was unsure, but even he could tell there’s something deeply wrong. 

“If a girl ever says no, you listen to her, alright?” Tommy had nodded earnestly. “You’re a good boy, Tommy,” his father had ruffled his hair and left to wash the blood from his other hand. 

His father had never considered that one day it might happen to his son. Small towns in Maine didn’t think of that possibility.


	7. Chapter 7

10k heard another sound. It was not the phantom memories of before or the shuffling of the dead. It was human voices. They spoke loudly without fear, confirming they could only be Murphy’s.

“From here! Smoke!” Someone called. 

Shit. 10k had slept past dawn. The sun had exposed him. 10k was up, not bothering to put out the flames, he grabbed his knife and the remaining injector and took off out the back door just as he heard the front break open. He had vanished into the woods before they entered the living room. He was away from shelter once again. Exposed with only a hunting knife for defense. 10k stopped, trying to reorient himself. He was near another part of the creek from which he had gathered water before. From here he doubted he would be able to find his snare from the night before, but he had to try. He needed food. And that rope. Damnit, he should’ve grabbed the matches too. 

He followed the creek back upstream, there he found a path through the brush that he could only hope was the one from before. He hadn’t made it more than a dozen feet down the trail before he heard voices again. They had not stopped at the house. 

10k took off running. He was far enough that they could not hear him as his feet pounded the dirt. His body was still weak. He could not run for long. 10k stopped, turning wildly. He had to find somewhere to hunker down. Or up. 

He heaved himself up into the lower branches of a tree. He paused and stuck his knife into the side of his belt, putting the injector between his teeth. Losing that was fatal. He continued to move up. Eventually he curled against the trunk of the tree, just over twenty feet up. He prayed they would not look up too closely. The voices eventually faded away. He pressed his forehead against the tree, breathing heavily. How long could he keep this up? 

He had forgotten how important supplies were. His father had died and he had been alone, yes, but he had been left with several guns, a water supply meant for two, and a truck. That had been enough to keep him going until he found something else. Few were that lucky after they lost someone. Now he had nothing besides the tattered clothes on his back, a single knife, and this drug that he needed. 

So he stayed in the tree, anchoring himself carefully. He pressed his head against the bark, his head foggy from fatigue. Better than from Murphy, at least. All there was to focus on were the voices moving through the woods. “Over here!” A voice made 10k’s blood run cold, but the voice came from a ways off. “Found a… trap? There’s a rabbit in it!” 

“Fuck,” 10k swore, it coming out muffled as he still kept the injector between his teeth. There went his food for the day. 

Whether or not they left the animal, it wasn’t safe for him to go and get it. Not even the rope. 10k stayed in the tree for well over an hour, his whole body ached from his attempt to not fall twenty feet. He could not climb down until he was sure they had gone. It would be too cruel for him to climb down from his perch only to be ambushed by Murphy’s swarm. Eventually, the sun had moved higher in the sky, he made his way down. He stared with some longing towards where his trap had been laid. Hopefully he would be able to find more food. 10k knew the apocalypse well enough to know that was a joke. 

10k had a whole pot of clean water in that house. Now he had nothing. One thing you had to learn when life was survival was how to deal with frustration and loss, you got much more of that than victories, but god was it annoying. 

10k looked back at the suburbs and his supplies, turned around, and headed in the opposite direction. He knew it was dangerous to go to the suburbs, but a roof and a fireplace had been useful. Not to mention it was often easier to scrounge a can of food from an empty neighborhood than to catch, skin, and cook his meal. 10k loved the woods, but practicality favored civilization, abandoned or not. 

10k eventually stopped once a deserted road cut through his path. It would be exposing. So he followed it from the shadows, praying he would come across a house. Not to stay in, he knew that wasn’t safe, but he needed supplies. Food was even less of a fear now as he was once again without water. He didn’t even have a bottle to carry it in. So he followed the road. Eventually a country road must come up and he hoped a house would be at the end. Murphy’s people were patrolling the streets, so he had to find a home in the woods. 

It took just over an hour of walking for his wish to come true. A gravel drive went back into the woods for about a hundred yards until a house came up. 10k headed towards it carefully. While unlikely, some lunatic might have weathered the apocalypse out here. The house looked deserted. The windows had been boarded up at some point but some of them had been left to hang loose. 10k crept to the window, it was dark inside. Lifeless. 10k went to the front door, which, while shut, was unlocked. Upon entering he smelled rot. 

10k gagged, covering his mouth. On the couch was a long dead corpse. A shotgun laid on his chest and blood sprayed behind his blown skull. In a row on the coffee table was a crate of bottled water, a dozen or so cans of food, and a sheet of paper, now covered in dust. 

He grabbed the note before receding to the porch, where the stench was less blinding. 

_you don’t need to know why I did it. We’ve all thought of it by now. It’s been two years. I haven’t seen a living person in one. Regardless, somehow you’re not dead if you’re reading this. So take what I had left as a token of my esteem. Hope you have something worth staying alive for_

It was unsigned. Names didn’t mean anything to him. Or anyone else finding a corpse in the apocalypse. Not like there was anyone out there to tell. 

Either way, he found himself crying. Not mourning the poor sonofabitch inside, but feeling relief. He had enough food and water to last days. So he wept. No one got this lucky, least of all him. He entered the house once again and grabbed a bag, filling it with the stash on the table. 10k also grabbed a coat from the back of the man’s door. It would serve as a blanket the colder the nights got. He replaced the note in its original location. Then, without even a glance at the corpse, he returned to the woods. 

Only once he was far enough in that the road was out of sight did he stop, sitting behind a tree and all but chugging down a bottle of water. He stabbed open a can of chef boyardee and chugged that down as well. 10k had food and water. He had a knife. That was all he needed. He clambered to his feet and began to walk in a circle through the woods around town, knowing that his need of the drug meant Spokane had to stay on the horizon. He would make his last week count. 

A week is not a very long time. 

Eventually Murphy began to claw his way back into his skull. Eventually, he ran out of cans and the water bottles emptied. 

_come home, son. He needs you. He values you_

He had hoped he’d have more time. But he was terrified that if he waited too long he’d find himself back with Murphy before he knew it. 10k found a hollow underneath a dead log. It was filthy and damp but he would never be seen. There, he once again injected the drug into his neck. 

His body resisted and seized violently. 

Things would not be getting easier. 

10k woke up in the freezing cold. His fingertips blue and his body caked in mud. He scrambled out, his head freed, his body tired. He couldn’t go on like this. He was so scared and all he was doing was putting off the inevitable. Maybe that man had had the right idea with his shotgun. He had nothing left. 

10k had tried so hard to ration it. He’d had the sense to eat berries and roots when possible, but there weren’t any calories in that. He couldn’t eat any game because that would require fire. So his supplies had waned. 10k had taken to talking to Red. The hallucinations had mostly stopped since he had adjusted to the drug, but it was the only solace he had. 

“Last bottle of water, Red,” he muttered. “Can’t boil anymore. Fire is too dangerous. Thinking I should just risk the river water.” He paused. “I know, I know. The clock is ticking.” Another pause. “I know you’re trying to understand, but you don’t know what it’s like. I don’t even think I understand it… I think I’d rather die than go back to that. God, he’s gonna hurt me for running…” 

He wasn’t losing his mind. He was just… a little freaked out. Or at least that was what he told himself. 

“I just don’t want him to _touch_ me again!” He almost shouted it into the woods. He immediately cowered back, turning wildly, expecting Will or another blend to appear. Only silence met him. Not even fake-Red spoke to him. 

Of course, when the inevitable did happen - and it did, in fact, happen - it was far from cinematic. He wasn’t on the verge of suicide or on his guard only to be ambushed, he was asleep. 

He hadn’t eaten in days. He’d been drinking river water, which he only vomited up twice - a victory - and he hadn’t bothered to find somewhere to hide before passing out. 10k was exhausted, he was far from thinking straight, so he had curled up on a bench in a picnicking spot out in the woods. The ground was wet, it was cold. He had just wanted to stay a little warmer. He had thought, quite foolishly, how unlikely it was for one of Murphy’s people to happen down this path.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is also very intense, read with caution!

10k could imagine Warren scolding him for being irresponsible.

Someone yanked him off the bench, holding onto a fistful of his hair. 

“I found him! I got him!” The man shouted out to whoever he was patrolling with, seeming delighted at his own luck. 

“Get off!” 10k kicked out at the man but he did not let go. 

Murphy’s people would not be stopped by pain. 10k had to pry the man’s fingers off of him one by one. He heard several crack. The man screamed in pain, but wrapped his other arm around 10k’s throat. 10k sunk his teeth into the man’s arm. He screamed again but only held on tighter. 10k couldn’t breathe. 

A man and a woman came running to their friend’s aid. None of them had teeth marks on their faces. The vaccine must work, then. 

“Hold his arms!” The man called to them as 10k struggled against him. The pair each grabbed an arm, pinning them behind his back. Someone took the knife out of his belt. 10k continued to struggle as the trio bound his wrists behind his back. 

“Let me go!” 10k shouted out as if it would make a difference. 10k kicked out, ramming his shoulder into the one nearest to him and taking off. Only to be held back by the rope around his wrists. There was now a man holding onto either arm, keeping him trapped between them. In a final act of desperation, 10k decided who he would rather die with. “Warren! Please, someone help me!” 

“Shut up!” One of them seemed worried. 

“Warren!” 10k shouted, still kicking violently. “Warren, help me! Please, Warren!” 

“Shut him up!” The man on his left called to the woman. 

She grabbed the jacket he had been using as a blanket and ripped off the moth eaten sleeves. Then, she forced the wad of fabric into his mouth, tying the other so he couldn’t try and force it out. It was a terrible reminder to have something forced into his mouth. His wrists bound. A reminder of what was waiting for him at the Museum of Progress. 10k continued to writhe despite being utterly helpless. Even if he wasn’t half starved he doubted he could fight all three of them off, unarmed and bound. 

They now began to drag him, quite easily, down the path and towards Spokane. Terror set in. They were taking him back. Back to _him_. He wasn’t crying. He wasn’t even fighting back anymore - he was smart enough to know it was useless - there was just fear. Why hadn’t he just grabbed that shotgun from a dead man’s hands and finished the job? 

“Don’t worry, son. Murphy’s been worried sick about you,” one of the men tried to console him. 

“Don’t know why you’re fighting so hard,” the woman told him somewhat stuffily. 

It wasn’t like 10k could reply with a gag in his mouth. 

They got back to the main road. They had a car. It was the first time 10k had been near Spokane. He realized with a strange feeling that the lights were on. It was almost pride, if that were not outmatched by pure hatred. Murphy had gotten the power working. 

“Get in,” the woman told him, the back door of the car open and waiting. 10k tried to say ‘fuck you’. It came out utterly distorted. She seemed to get the message. 

10k’s body was thrown back by her fist slamming into his jaw. He would’ve hit the ground if not for the men holding him. His cheek was torn against his own teeth and his mouth filled with blood. He couldn’t even spit so instead it soaked the fabric gagging him. 

“You’re pathetic. You should feel honored that Murphy thinks you’re worth keeping,” she snarled. 

“Should we…?” One of the men seemed to be implying something. 

“Would Murphy approve?” The other asked. 

“We’re doing this for him. He would understand,” she said. They spoke as if Murphy wasn’t in their heads, and likely ordering what came next. 

The men threw him onto the gravel, it bruising and sometimes piercing his skin. 10k, somewhat disgruntled, moved to sit up. He didn’t have the chance as a boot connected with his spine. 10k let out a muffled cry of pain as another kick got him in the gut. 

The man grabbed 10k by his tattered jumpsuit, pulling him up to meet his fist. His cheekbone throbbed. 10k, even if they would listen, couldn’t plead for mercy through the fabric. 10k managed to kick the other man in the stomach. Resulting in his comrade landing another blow on his face. The woman was quick to bind his legs as well so he was utterly helpless. 

“This is the great sniper we need on our side?” The woman scoffed. 10k glared up at her, flinching back with a groan when another boot made contact with his gut. “It’s a shame we need you functional. I should break your legs for running.” She landed another kick for emphasis. 

“Throw him in the trunk,” the woman told her men. They obliged, intentionally making sure he hit his head on the door on the way in. 

10k was plunged into darkness. He let out a muffled scream of frustration. He was completely immobile, and as far as he could tell, this trunk did not have a convenient little lever to open it from the inside. He felt the car reach an incline. Heading upwards to the Museum of Progress. 10k could feel his heart beating in his throat. He desperately fought to get out of the knots. Murphy was going to hurt him. He was going to torture him for running. He was- 

He was here. 

10k could hear him talking. Just outside as the car pulled to a halt. 

“Let’s see what you’ve brought me!” Murphy said. 10k was blinded by the sudden return of light. Murphy stared down at him. Same smug face, just less… blue. “Well, well, well. Look who finally found his way home.” 

10k tried to curse at him. Impossible for the bloodied fabric still between his teeth. 

“What happened to his face?” Murphy asked. 

“Didn’t want to come quietly,” he was told. 

“Of course he didn’t,” Murphy’s eyes were so cold. His skin made him appear more human, but his mind seemed to be nothing but. “Take him up to my office.” 

10k shouted more insults which came out as muffled nonsense. One man on either side had to carry him by his arms towards the building. 10k was terrified to find that Murphytown’s population had tripled. A line was still gathered outside and one by one they received a cut on their arm. The vaccine. He was finally able to warn those that had yet to be turned, and he was bound and gagged. 

The interior of the museum had been enhanced as well. Several rooms on the bottom floor had rows of bunks. And on the top floor, Murphy’s, it had been decorated with elegant curtains and other little luxuries that had been worthless to the apocalypse. Murphy’s office now had a round oak table covered in maps and charts. His escorts sat him down on the window bay and left. 

10k struggled against his bonds, hoping to free himself before Murphy arrived. He fell onto his side, yanking at his wrists. Murphy did not enter, but 10k’s bonds remained strong regardless. He was left there, collapsed on the ground, helpless. That alone left him feeling sick. He was worthless, left on the floor like another abandoned object stolen from Spokane. Being left with his thoughts now was even more terrifying than before. His mouth tasted like blood, his body ached from the fast bruising blows. 

The waiting game was terrible, but he was more worried for Murphy’s arrival. He had the kid right where he wanted. Bound, helpless, and terrified. Eventually, he heard that stupid arrogant voice. 

“You did well, Janine. Brought him here in one piece. Well, mostly,” Murphy said. 

“Thank you, sir. I will admit, I wanted to hurt him worse for abandoning you.” 

“Well, that’s behind us now.” Not likely. Murphy now stood over him. “Right, 10k?” 

“Go die, Murphy,” 10k tried to say. It was unintelligible. 

“Ungag him, Janine,” Murphy ordered. 

The woman, somewhat grudgingly, untied the fabric and pulled it from his mouth. She looked disgusted by the blood soaked rag. 10k spat more blood from his mouth. 

“Fuck you, Murphy,” 10k snarled. The woman yanked him to his feet, he was forced to lean on her because of his bound legs. 

“Tsk tsk,” Murphy tutted, shaking his head. “We have got to do something about that mouth, ten thousand.” Murphy stepped closer. 10k felt himself look away, fear overtaking anger. Murphy’s shoes were polished. For some reason 10k found this revolting. He looked up. 

“Come’re,” 10k called him closer. 

Murphy seemed amused. What was 10k going to do? He couldn’t move. He stepped closer. 

10k spat at his face. 

Murphy stepped back, wiping his face, disgust and anger overtaking. 

“You little bastard, you’ll pay for that,” Murphy snarled. They locked eyes. Blue staring into an unnatural honeycombed amber. 10k could feel Murphy’s mind attempting to overtake his. He felt the command lurking like background noise. Telling him to sink his nails into the palm of his hand. To bite through his tongue so he would bleed. It was a command he did not obey. 

Something flickered behind those sinister eyes. It wasn’t shock, surely he would have realized 10k had used the drug. It was fear. Somehow 10k was out of his control. In a way that brute force could not conquer. And, at least for now, Murphy was helpless to take it from him. 

“Search him.” 

With that order the woman patted down his tattered clothes. Going as far to take off his boots. 

“Where’s my medicine, ten thousand?” Murphy said coldly. 

“It seems like you’ve got plenty already,” 10k said, nodding to his cleaned skin. 

“You’re a thief. And I know you’re helping her.” So Warren had been seen. “What did you tell them?” 

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” 10k mocked him. 

“You’ll tell me, ten thousand. If not now, when that drug wears off,” Murphy told him. 

“We’ll see if Warren hasn’t kicked your ass by then,” 10k snapped. 

“Take him downstairs. The cellar. We’ll set his head straight soon enough,” Murphy ordered, his eyes never leaving 10k’s. 

The woman, Janine, gladly obeyed, pulling him to the hallway, his bruised legs dragging on the wooden floors. She passed on the order to a pair of guards waiting outside, adding “no need to be gentle” to the command. 

The pair of men took it to heart, their grip on his arms hard enough to leave a bruise and at the top of the basement stairs they both ‘accidentally’ let go, causing him to tumble down the stairs, him struggling to land on his side rather than his head. It knocked the wind out of him, but he had no time to recover as the men quickly yanked him up, dragging him through the dimly lit basement. At the back was the museum’s sad form of a safe. A narrow room with metal walls and a sliding metal door. More than enough to contain a boy. They threw his body in, where he collapsed with a yelp. The door slid shut gratingly and a lock clicked into place. What little light there was was blacked out, but for a hairline crack at the bottom of the door. 

“Fuck,” 10k swore. His mother surely would have approved of his foul mouth in this situation. He managed to sit up, his body aching from the battering day. 

He was starving, but he would have done anything for that door to stay shut rather than have it open to Murphy standing there with a tray of food and water. 

“Thought you’d be hungry. Haven’t been eating well without us, have you?” Murphy said. He was alone. Far worse than if he had been joined by his brutish guards. 

10k said nothing, simply stared warily. 

“Sorry about your rough treatment. My people are not as forgiving as I am,” Murphy told him. Still, silence. Murphy put down his tray, getting a lantern from the basement and placing it on the floor of 10k’s cell. There, 10k saw the glint of a blade. He flinched back. 

“Don’t worry,” Murphy spoke softly. “I’m not going to hurt you.” He cut through the rope on 10k’s feet. “Not with this, anyways,” he said with a dark chuckle. 

10k pressed himself into the wall, even as Murphy pulled his wrists forward, cutting the ropes there. 

“Better?” Murphy said softly. “Now you can eat.” He sat back, his long slender body still imposing when leaning on the wall of the cell opposite him. 

10k was too stubborn for that. He simply rubbed at the raw skin around his wrists and glared at him. 10k longed to claw at his stupid face, as he was unbound, but he knew that Murphy would not be so confident in freeing him without control. And that knife, even in an idiot’s hand, was far too close for comfort. 

“Fine, then. Starve. But I won’t let you die on me, so eventually I’ll make you drink. Even if I nearly drown you,” he snarled. His anger finally bled through. “How dare you run from me.” 

10k refused to speak. 

“Silent treatment, huh?” Murphy scoffed. “You won’t keep that up for long. Not while I’m here.” 

There was something sinister in that. 

“I don’t need to control your head to control your body, ten thousand.” 

10k felt his heart start to race, but he refused to show fear. 

“I missed having you here,” Murphy leaned forward, holding onto 10k’s bruised jaw, forcing him to look at his captor. “It gets lonely. I didn’t realize how important our history was, ten thousand.” A dark smile curled on his lips. “Or how nice it was to have a body to... let out all my frustrations on.” 

“Get off of me!” 10k could not maintain his silence and shoved Murphy away, whose body had been creeping ever closer. 

Murphy let out a harsh laugh. “God, your resistance is just… adorable.” 

“Don’t-don’t you touch me,” 10k stammered out. He scrambled to his feet, pressing his body into the back wall as Murphy’s towering form blocked the exit. He had never really paid much thought to how tall the man was. Not when he was always lurking, hunched in corners. 

Murphy’s body was only a silhouette as the light came from his back. So 10k could not read his expression as he approached. Murphy’s hands crept down 10k’s body, eventually, almost mercifully, resting on his wrists rather than any other part of him. That is, until Murphy pinned 10k’s wrists to the wall, pressing his body against the boy’s. 

“Did _you_ miss me, ten thousand?” Murphy spoke softly. 

10k could not hold back a whimper when Murphy _kissed_ his neck. 

“Mhm. You have missed me. Haven’t you,” Murphy’s breath tickled 10k’s skin and he tried to press himself further into the wall. Murphy followed, pinning him there quite effectively. “What was your first kiss, hm? That dead girl, what was her name? Red?” 

“Don-t- Don’t talk about her!” 10k snarled. 

“Oh? I can’t talk about _any_ of your dead girlfriends? Not Cassandra, not Red?” Murphy mocked him. “You seem to have a bad track record with the ladies, ten thousand. Do you think you’ll kill them all?” 

10k flinched as Murphy continued to press his lips into the boy’s pale skin, moving upwards to his jaw and eventually even onto 10k’s lips. 

“Please. Please stop it. I don’t want this,” 10k pleaded with him like it would make a difference. “Please! Someone, anyone, help me!” He was shouting now. Murphy laughed. 

“No one can hear you down here, ten thousand,” Murphy’s hands trailed down his chest, pulling his jumpsuit from his shoulders. “Even if they could, no one would help you.” 

10k shuddered as Murphy’s hands trailed lower. “Then again, maybe I shouldn’t make this all about me...” He was _groping_ him. 

“Please, I don’t want this,” 10k begged him, a new horror dawning. “Please, haven’t you taken enough from me?!” 

Murphy did not stop. He continued to touch him, as well as biting at the boy’s exposed neck. In a very different way to how he had turned him so long ago. 10k, terrified of his own body reacting to Murphy’s touch, did something very stupid. He kneed Murphy in between his legs, running as the man doubled over. 

“You little bitch!” Murphy snarled, diving on top of him before he even made it to the stairs. “You try to fight me? You disobey me?” Murphy was yanking 10k’s jumpsuit down to his legs. “I’m gonna make this hurt.” 

“Murphy, no-no please!” 10k kept pleading with him, even as the sound of a belt buckle being undone jarred his ears. 10k’s starved body was helpless to resist. 

Murphy did not bother to cover 10k’s cries of pain at first. His nails initially digging into 10k’s hips. Eventually, Murphy’s breath heaving and hot, leaned closer, his hands snaking upwards, wrapping around 10k’s throat. There, his grip tightened as his body continued to violate him. 

10k’s struggling now became focused on drawing air, trying to pull Murphy away from his windpipe. Murphy choked the life out of him rhythmically. Eventually letting go, seeming to enjoy 10k’s desperate gasps for air. 10k did not have time to steady his breathing before Murphy’s hands tightened again. Murphy’s fingers brushed over his face, forcing his thumb between the boy’s bruised lips. They tasted of salt. Then they would return to focus on tightening around his throat. 

So it followed. Until Murphy was finished with him. 

“Come on, 10k. Go ahead and breathe,” Murphy got off of him, but continued to run his hands through the boy’s hair so there was little relief. His voice was so soft. So terribly tender. Almost _loving_. 10k felt his hair stand on end. “Good boy... Next time, if you don’t fight so hard, I’ll be gentle.” 

10k shuddered. There would be a _next time_? 

Murphy stopped stroking his hair and instead grabbed a fistful of it. He turned to violence on a whim. “Let’s go.” He yanked 10k onto his knees with a yelp. 10k grabbed onto the man’s wrist, trying to stop the pain from Murphy dragging him back to his cell, bare feet scrambling for a foothold. Murphy eventually dropped him onto the stone floor. Leaving, at perfect ease with himself, and slid the metal door shut. The lock clicked into place. 

10k curled into a ball, wishing to shield himself from something that had already happened. That had already happened _again_. He hadn’t even been back for more than a day and Murphy had… Murphy had raped him. He might as well say what it was. 

10k felt wheezing sobs rise from his aching ribs. Every part of him was bruised. His throat, his back and chest, his hips. _Other_ places, he was sure, as well. He couldn’t even _cry_ properly after the damage to his windpipe. Who knew Murphy got off on suffocating people? The shame had not left him and in fact had increased. Murphy had been fondling him and his body had… reacted. He was disgusted with himself. And not just for the blood and filth now between his legs. 

Next time. There would be a next time. Of course 10k’s torture would not end. He had run, so the brutality would come forward full force. Murphy was a clever sadist. Creative. He hadn’t even started interrogating the boy about Warren yet. _That_ was going to be the real fun… 

The thing was, as 10k laid there - helpless, unable to catch his breath - he knew with the utmost certainty that he would tell Murphy _nothing_. Not about Warren, not about Lucy, not about _anything_. 10k got a malicious satisfaction out of that fact. It was a morbid and manic state. Murphy could do whatever he wanted to with 10k’s body, Murphy had proved that well enough, but 10k would not sell out his friends.


	9. Chapter 9

Yes, 10k would not sell out his friends. That didn’t mean Murphy wouldn’t try.

10k was freezing. That woman had not returned his shoes and all he wore besides that was this stupid fucking tattered jumpsuit. Part of him feared that should he sleep he would never wake. Well, more like hoped. 10k still couldn’t help but curl into a ball in the hopes of retaining some heat. His feet were so cold they almost hurt and he pulled the tattered top of the jumpsuit tighter around his chest. The walls were metal, as was the floor, there was nowhere to attempt to find comfort. There must’ve been shelves in the room at one point, there were hooks along the back wall for them. They had probably been metal too but he couldn’t help but imagine them being slats of wood that he could lay on. Even hit Murphy over the head with them when he came… ah the dream… 

10k had drunk the water Murphy had brought him. He couldn’t help it. His stomach was, for now, numb to the hunger pangs, but his mouth felt raw to the point he could no longer spit at Murphy’s face, should the opportunity arise. That was more important than refusing to accept Murphy’s offerings. Well, that’s what he told himself. 

The metal door slid open. “Stand against the wall,” one of Murphy’s men ordered him. What was his name? McClair? With him was Will. 10k didn’t move. He was already sitting against the back wall. 

“Arms out. Wrists together.” 

The man had a coil of chain. He entered the cell. Will stayed back, leaning on the doorframe. Just watching. 

“Murphy doesn’t care about you,” 10k said quietly. “He doesn’t care if you live or die. Not that you’d care, you’re not even a real person. Your mind is just-” 

“Shut up,” the man told him harshly. “Arms out. Wrists together.” 

“Oh sure. I’ll shut up, if you insult Murphy. Just once. Try and do it. If you can, I’ll shut up. Problem is, you can’t. Can you?” 10k told him. McClair frowned slightly. “I get it, you love Murphy. You don’t have to actually believe the insult, just try and say something.” 

“I will detain you,” McClair stepped forward. 

“Say ‘Murphy is an idiot’,” 10k stood as the man approached, pressing himself away from him. “Just say the words, give it a try- hey!” 10k cut himself off sharply. The man had pulled 10k’s jumpsuit off his shoulders. 

“Don’t touch me!” 10k was terrified for a moment Murphy had sent another man to do his dirty work. He tried to throw a punch at the man but he was too weak in his condition and he easily forced the boy’s arm back. The man stopped once he had pulled the sleeves from his arms. 

“Calm down kid,” McClair wrapped 10k’s wrists in the coil of chain, a padlock restraining them. The man had not yanked the jumpsuit down from his hips. This was a comfort, but his torso still felt cold and exposed. 

McClair put a hand on 10k’s shoulder, forcing him to his knees. 10k tried to yank his wrists from the man’s leash, but he was already locking it onto the hooks along the back wall. 10k was forced to remain on his knees, body bent forward, hands forced together. As if in prayer. 

What a joke. 

“What do you want?” 10k asked, but he could hardly turn around to look at them. 

“Information,” Will finally spoke. 

10k let out a harsh laugh. “Do your best, Will.” It wasn’t clear if his defiance was childish or noble. Not that it mattered. 

10k heard the soft scrape of metal on metal. It felt far too light and gentle to be be a knife. He tried again to turn around, to see what it was. The room was very dark, but out of the corner of his eye he made out the glint of metal scattered across the floor. He still wasn’t sure what it was. 

“You can start talking now, 10k. Feel free,” Will told him. 

“What do you want to talk about?” 10k said sarcastically. “How about this- does the rest of Murphytown know you’re torturing people now?” 

“Fine, 10k,” Will tutted him. “Can’t say I didn’t try.” 

“You didn’t stand a chance to start-” 10k cut himself off with a broken scream. It felt like a dozen knives had been dragged down his back. His body fell forward, the chains being pulled taut on his wrists. 

“Come on, 10k. We can end this now. Just tell us a bit about your friend Warren,” Will spoke softly. “What is she planning?” 

“Go to hell,” 10k muttered. 

He felt like his back was being shredded with the same lashing against his skin. He tried to swallow back a scream, his jaw aching from how tense he had become. 

There was a lull, a moment of calm where Will gave him the opportunity to speak. 

After the pause, 10k’s body jerked forward, his hands clutching onto the chain like a lifeline. He could feel blood dripping down his back. He didn’t know how much more of this he could take. 

McClair, who was enacting the violence, stepped up to 10k’s side. He could now see what had caused the pain. Long chords, all bundled in the man’s fist, laid out on the floor. At the end of them they had tied razor blades. 

10k inhaled deeply, waiting for the next blow. 

“I dunno, boss. Not sure how much longer he’ll be conscious,” McClair looked back to Will. 

“Keep going.” 

10k was caught unawares as another lashing tore into his back and another scream tore from his lips. 

“You want this to stop, kid? All you gotta do is open that pretty mouth of yours and tell us what your friends are planning,” Will spoke to him. “You decide.” 

“Keep going, you heard the man,” 10k spat at McClair. He was rewarded with more blood. 

10k could not resist his trembling, his head bowed forward, pressed into the cool metal of the wall. His breathing came out haggard, only punctured by a scream each time the blades dragged down his back. The next time his body collapsed forward, suspended only by the chains around his wrists, without the fight in him to even scream again. 

McClair pulled his head back by his hair, his eyes fluttered open weakly. 

“Don’t think he’ll be able to tell us anything today now,” McClair slapped the boy’s pallid cheek, trying to get a reaction to show he was still conscious. 

“Fine,” Will sighed. “Make sure he doesn’t bleed out and then come back upstairs.” 

He left, leaving McClair to do his dirty work as usual. McClair dropped him, so 10k’s head hung weakly. 

McClair left to retrieve something. 10k used this time to try and look over his shoulder, but even the tension on his muscles from that sent burning pain through the wounds he could not see. He returned and, with no warning, pressed cloth soaked in alcohol into the wound. 10k’s half conscious state was punctured by agony and another scream he could not resist. He felt like his back was on fire and he could not swallow back another broken cry as the man continued to pour the alcohol down his back. He wasn’t even sure if it was intended as an antiseptic or was just hard liquor, they smelled the same to him. 

10k flinched as the man reached around his chest, his breath hot on 10k’s cold, clammy skin. He simply pulled the bandages around his body. 10k let out another cry of pain as the man wrapped bandages around his chest tightly. That was the only aid he provided, not even bothering to unchain him from the wall before leaving, the door sliding shut and locking, once again leaving him to the dark and cold. 

“F-Fuck,” 10k’s stammered out. 

His wrists ached sharply from the chains, but that was nothing compared to the tattered flesh on his back. McClair had wrapped the wounds so that the bleeding stopped, but his knees were soaked in it as it had managed to pool around his body. He was cold once again, in a different, more feverish way. He could not relax as with the way his body was suspended by the chains, if he were to lean forward or collapse, it would tighten and bend the bandages, digging them into the wound. So he had to stay sitting up, his back arched, to alleviate the pressure. 

10k felt himself wonder how long he would be forced to remain like this and quickly dismissed the idea. Waiting for help in a place like this would only drive him crazy. He pulled at the chains experimentally. There was no give and, unless he decided to break his thumbs, there was little chance of him freeing his wrists. 

With the amount of damage done to him, someone would need to change the bandages within the next six hours or so. That was not exactly a comfort as six hours was a very long time to spend wounded, without a shirt, and with bound wrists. 10k had learned how to focus and steady himself in a firefight, but that was much harder to do with nothing to aim for, literally. Each inhale brought pain to his back as his aching ribs expanded. 

Inhale. And the exhale was a shuddering sob which sent tremors of pain down his back. He couldn’t hold back anymore. He couldn’t even _move_. Only remain on his knees, constantly reminded of his new awareness of pain with every breath. 

Surely the next plausible step was Murphy, touching him in this bound state, getting off on his bloodied skin. That future allowed him to sob like a child, his head bowed and pressed against the cool metal that was his only solace. 10k, daring to think of rescue for a moment, was convinced he could never tell his family what Murphy had done to him. But these wounds and their scars would be harder to hide. Perhaps it would be easier to explain knives down his back than Murphy’s violation.


	10. Chapter 10

10k had fallen unconscious. The pain had become far too great and he had collapsed. When he woke he would regret it, as the chains will have torn into his skin and the bandages on his back will have bent into the wounds.

Although when he woke that would not be his immediate concern.

What was far more prominent was Murphy on top of him. Murphy _using_ him.

10k did his best not to react, fearing it would draw more force from his actions. Still, Murphy must’ve felt his body tense.

He had the audacity to _laugh_. “Damnit. Wanted to see how long I could go before you woke up,” Murphy did not stop.

10k’s body jerked forward with every motion, the chains yanking against his tattered flesh, blood dripping down his arms from his wounded wrists. He bit back a cry of pain as Murphy’s hands dug against his wounded back. His delirium allowed time to pass quickly, and Murphy soon relent. 10k was so weak from the variety of abuse his body had been put through.

“Heard you didn’t say much earlier,” Murphy buckled his belt, sitting leaning against the wall on the boy’s right. 10k didn’t give him the satisfaction of a reply. He focused on his shallow breathing, his eyes shut tight. “Never took you for a masochist, ten thousand.” He let out a harsh laugh. He trailed a hand down 10k’s back, causing him to flinch involuntarily. “Although I guess if you were, we’d have more fun together, wouldn’t we?” Murphy pressed into the bandages harder. “Wouldn't we?” He said more sharply, demanding a reaction.

“G-Go to hell,” 10k’s voice was raw and hoarse, almost inaudible.

“You _still_ have teeth, you know that, kid?” Murphy almost sounded impressed. “Don’t know if you’re brave or criminally insane.”

“Says the psychopath,” 10k snapped, but even putting that much force into his actions cause tremors of pain through his whole body. There was no part of him left uninjured.

“Come on, 10k. You have to tell me something,” Murphy feigned a pout.

“I _told_ you to go to hell,” 10k rasped.

Murphy was quiet. “I can do anything I want with you.” 10k said nothing. “You should be grateful to have all your limbs,” he snarled.

Nothing infuriated Murphy more than a lack of control. It would be a lie to say 10k was not afraid of Murphy, but for the moment, Murphy could not control him. And, if 10k knew what he was doing, Murphy would never get him to spill Warren’s plans and hunt for Lucy.

“You _have_ been doing anything you want to me,” 10k muttered. “It’s sort of lost its effect.”

Murphy, rather than reply, childishly dug into the wounds on his back, getting a certain satisfaction from 10k crying out. He couldn’t force 10k to obey him, but he could make him scream.

“What’re you gonna do when your people find out what a monster you are?” 10k spoke accusingly.

“You know me too well,” Murphy teased. “I would prefer if my followers didn’t fight as hard as you did,” he admitted. “So they should only know me as their great benevolent leader,” he said fondly. “No one is going to know what happened to you down here, 10k.” Those words gave 10k a sense of nausea. Murphy was certain that he would win against Warren. That 10k would be his forever.

“Well, that isn’t quite true,” Murphy continued. “Will knows, but he is loyal to me without question. I saved his little girl, how could he not be? And McClair… He’s an ex con just like me. Was involved in gang violence, some aryan neo-nazi cult that wasn’t afraid to draw a little blood,” Murphy told him. “I don’t care what he believes, as long as it doesn’t interfere with his work, and god those nazis know how to cause some pain,” Murphy sounded oddly proud of his sick followers. “He won’t tell either.”

“Should’ve known you don’t have standards,” 10k spat, his contempt for Murphy only growing.

“I do have standards, actually. They just have to be useful to me,” Murphy smirked. “I’ll have the lawyers being janitors for years.” 10k said nothing. He was tired of the conversation as his insults had no impact on the insidious man. “See, until I can trust you to put a gun in your hands, I had to make sure you were useful to me in other ways,” with these words Murphy stroked his face. 10k tried to yank his head away but it wasn’t like there was any leeway chained to the wall.

Murphy seemed to enjoy his captive listener. 10k didn’t know why he didn’t just preach to his beloved followers. “Can you imagine it, 10k? In say, five years time. Spokane will be all Murphytown. My new world order. I’ll have the population at my disposal and I’ll have you.” The twitch of a smile returned to Murphy’s face.

10k was nothing short of horrified. Imagining years of pain, of being under Murphy’s thumb, years of _this_. In all that time would he be able to free himself long enough to put a bullet in his skull? His days spent guarding this man, gunning down his only hope of rescue; and his nights spent as Murphy’s bitch in a... different way.

“Doesn’t that sound nice, kid?” Murphy crooned, his hands returning to running through 10k’s matted and filthy hair.

10k refused to even cringe. Murphy did not deserve his reaction.

“Are you mellowing, 10k? You drank the water I gave you,” Murphy told him. “Are you gonna start being a good boy?”

Had 10k been unbound, his mouth was already dry again so he wouldn’t’ve been able to spit at Murphy’s face if he wanted to.

“Look at you…” Murphy forced 10k to look up, his hands pressing into 10k’s bruised jaw. “All this feral dog needed was a leash.”

God, 10k was considering breaking his own thumbs just for the opportunity to free himself long enough to land one good punch on Murphy’s smug face.

10k wasn’t sure if his silence only showed his exhaustion, or his unwillingness to engage with Murphy’s games.

Finally, Murphy got to his feet. 10k felt the chain shift as he untied it from the wall. 10k wasn’t sure if this would be a mercy or more torment. He returned the chain to the wall, but with a long enough coil that 10k could at least move through the one half of his cell. And, ideally, give his wrists a break from the constant pull of the chain. Murphy patted 10k on his head like a dog.

“I’ll be back tomorrow, 10k,” he headed for the door. “If you don’t cough up something then, I’ll make sure you suffer for it.”


	11. Chapter 11

10k jolted awake to McClair undoing his bandages and replacing them with fresh fabric. Removing the fabric tore through the dried blood and skin. The pile of cloth, soaked in dry, crusted blood, made his stomach turn.

“I said I’d be back,” Murphy spoke to him and 10k looked over his shoulder to see Murphy leaning against the doorframe. “Do you have something to tell me, 10k?” 

“Y-Yes,” 10k stammered out as McClair tightened the clean bandages around his torso. 

“Well?” Murphy almost sounded hopeful. 

“Go fuck yourself,” 10k said, despite knowing he would regret it. 

“Tsk tsk,” Murphy shook his head. “McClair?” 

His man unlocked 10k’s bloodied wrists, which 10k noted suspiciously. 

“I told you about McClair’s experience, didn’t I, 10k?” Murphy spoke out of his ass per usual. “He’s learned all sorts of fun tricks from his people.” 

“You two deserve each other,” 10k snarled. “Hope you’re side by side in hell.” 

10k yelped as McClair forced him to the ground on his stomach. 10k’s thin, weak body could be held down by the man with one hand. 

“Only fair I give you a chance. Anything to say?” Murphy asked. 

10k said nothing, more focused on figuring out where McClair’s hands were. He held down 10k so his chest was pressed onto the cold metal floor, his wounded back searing from him being held down. Blood was already soaking into the fabric around McClair’s hand. His other hand was holding back 10k’s arm, pulling it behind his body at an awkward, unnatural angle. Murphy gave an almost imperceptible nod. 

10k heard his shoulder crack. Less than a moment later, the pain caught up to him through the shock. He was in agony. He screamed himself hoarse, unable to look back and see the distorted angle at which his shoulder now was. The man had dislocated it. McClair covered 10k’s mouth, 10k gagging on the taste of his sweaty flesh. He only let go when 10k stopped screaming. 

“Tell us something, 10k,” Murphy said. Silence. “Come on, kid. Tell us anything, and McClair will fix your shoulder.” 

10k didn’t even have the fight left in him to make a sharp retort. He just breathed heavily through his nose, mouth shut tight to prevent another whimper from coming out. 

“Anything,” Murphy said again. “Where is Warren? Where is she going?” 

10k said nothing. McClair pulled on his arm and he let out another scream, his vision grew spotted and white from the pain. 

“Come on, kid. You can do this,” Murphy said. He knelt down and gently stroked 10k’s hair. 10k hated how any touch besides the agony of his arm felt like a relief. “How many people does she have?” Silence. “Did her and that asian woman find her unit?” Silence. “Come on, kid. Anything of value. What’s her weak spot?” Silence. Murphy’s voice grew irritable. “Anything, for christ’s sake, does Addy still have her Z whacker, does Doc still have a store of Z weed. Come on, hell- what’s your real name? That’s one I wouldn’t mind knowing. Kid, _anything_.” Murphy shook his head. “Anything of value.” He leaned down, so that his breath brushed against 10k’s skin, and whispered in his ear. 10k shuddered, revolted. “You tell me something I like, 10k. I don’t pay you a visit tonight.” 

10k held his tongue for the moment, thinking wildly. He didn’t want Murphy to rape him again - that was a special type of torture, a violation that left his mind sick as well as his body. - Any thought of Murphy’s hands on his skin made him wish McClair would dislocate the other shoulder instead. 

Murphy gestured to the man in question and 10k let out a scream that broke his voice, the silence that followed sharp. God, he might as well tear his arm off. 

He could not give up his friends. He could not bear this agony or that which would come. 10k felt something else break inside of him and when he next spoke, it was such a hoarse whisper that Murphy had to lean in close to hear him. 

“Thomas.” 

“What?” Murphy didn’t seemed to understand for a moment. 10k refused to repeat himself. Realization dawned on the vile man, who seemed delighted at what he had managed to weasel out of him. “ _Thomas_ , that’s your name?” 

10k said nothing, simply allowed shame and sorrow to spread like a dull ache through his body. 

“McClair,” Murphy ordered and 10k was jarred into another scream and another moment of blinding, eye watering pain. McClair had reset his shoulder. The agony had now turned into a dull ache. Well, at least compared to the level of suffering from before. 

Murphy stood over him, the boy’s chest heaving for air as adrenaline from the pain refused to leave his veins. “Thank you, for that, Thomas.” 10k flinched at the sound of that name on his lips. “Enjoy your peace and quiet. We’ll be back tomorrow.” 

Then he was alone in the dark. 

At least he hadn’t given him ‘Tommy’. That was sacred. That was for family only. Thomas was factual. That did not make it any more bearable. 

10k was no longer bound. That was the only blessing he had. His wrists were raw, the cuts and scrapes from the chain had stopped bleeding, but still hurt. The bandages on his back were slowly growing bloodied as well. 10k didn’t even want to bother inventorying the many scrapes and bruises marring his body. 

He sat up, gasping as his tattered flesh was shifted. He stared glumly in the faint light from the crack under the door at the can of soup Murphy had left him. He didn’t want anything from _him_ but part of his struggle was due to his starved body being unable to defend himself. He forced himself to eat. And he hated that it felt like such a relief. He didn’t want anything from Murphy to feel like a reward. He didn’t want this night of calm because Murphy _allowed_ it. 

Still, he actually felt some semblance of peace. Murphy would love to gloat over being true to his word so it was unlikely that he would go back on it. 10k was left with his thoughts and his pain, so the fact that Murphy would not assault him tonight was a pity consolation. 

Especially as after tonight, there was no safeguard. 

Murphy would return. He would torture him, do what he wanted with him, until he sold out Warren and their search for Lucy. And once he did that, he would torture him again. 

There was no winning to this game and eventually the drug which allowed him some semblance of free will would wear off. Honestly, the worst part was that that fact meant nothing to him. He had his free will right now and he had no more control than he did without it. Either Murphy would rape and torture him downstairs, or he would do so upstairs. Either way Murphy’s people would never know. With Murphy in his head, all those people would be convinced of 10k’s consent, if they ever passed by Murphy’s bedroom at all. 

10k debated it in his head. Down here it was far harder to get reprieve. He was locked in this tiny room and Murphy had no reason to treat him with any semblance of kindness. Up there, there would be eyes on him. Surely Murphy would at least be less inclined to hit him then. 

The only way he was getting out of here was once Murphy was back in his head. So, what, he endured another week down here and then came upstairs. He could survive up there, right? Murphy would trust him with a gun and he’d be able to go outside, be around other humans. Well, around other people at least. 

God, was 10k actually beginning to accept this as his reality? The amount of times he’d thought about the opportunity to put a gun in his mouth… it was bullshit. No one survived the apocalypse without a deeply ingrained will to live. Yes, everyone in the apocalypse has thought about offing themselves, the fact is, those that haven’t done it desperately want to live. 10k didn’t want to die. He was fucking seventeen. 

But… but Warren was still out there. Her and Doc and Addy. Warren couldn’t be taken down by Murphy. He was _Murphy_ for christ’s sake. But Murphy had changed. He wasn’t the pathetic man from before. And he had so many people on his side… 

Eventually Warren wouldn’t be invincible. That was a fact he would have to face. They trusted her and relied on her for so long, but the fact of the matter is, she’s only human. And Murphy isn’t. 

10k shook himself out of the rabbit hole of gloom, but in this tiny cell there wasn’t really anywhere for him to go. 

10k ran his hands through his hair. God, he needed a shower. Just to at least wash the feeling of Murphy out of him. Literally and figuratively. 10k wished he’d bothered learning how to meditate from Doc. 10k had claimed he didn’t need it since if he ever needed to calm down he just would walk in the woods, kill some Zs. Never considered being trapped in a room for this long. Always thought Zs would kill him or a stupid human would. 10k had always imagined it to go quick. Never something this drawn out and… particularly painful. 

10k eventually took to working out. Anything short of jogging he was capable of in his cell. Pushups, crunches, it kept his body heat up and gave him something simple to focus on. It was calming. Almost. 

10k’s weak body could function like that for only so long and eventually, breathless and exhausted, he lay flat on his back in the center of the from, body covered in sweat which left him freezing. Then he stood, going to the door and feeling along its edges for something. Anything. The sliding door had no hinges. The lock was only on the outside. There was nothing. 

Then. He paced. 10k almost missed when he was so wounded that time seemed to pass quickly in his delirium. Of course, that only drew Murphy closer. It was a lose lose situation. He had given up his _name_ for this. In the moment, with his arm dislocated and blinded by pain, with Murphy too close to him, it had seemed worth it. 

But Murphy had given him an impotent reward. Like giving a dog a bone for catching the rabbit. 10k hated how he _toyed_ with him. He had nothing to lose, so why didn’t he lash out? Try and snap Murphy’s neck? 

10k hated to admit the fact was, he was afraid of him. He had lost everything and he knew he would suffer, but he was still afraid of goading more violence. Murphy would hurt him no matter what he did, one way or the other.


	12. Chapter 12

When 10k first saw they had brought a bucket of water into his cell, he had thought that finally he would be able to clean the blood and filth from his body.

McClair and Will’s return should have tipped him off to this being more than a visit. At least 10k was smart enough to get to his feet immediately rather than be grabbed lying down. 

“Come on, 10k. You know how this is going to go,” Will tutted him. 

Actually, he didn’t. He would soon. McClair moved to bind his wrists behind his back. This, 10k resisted viciously as Murphy wasn’t in the room to terrify him into submission. The fact of the matter was, unarmed, starved, and lanky to begin with, 10k was weak. So McClair had his wrists tied behind his back and forced him to his knees, keeping 10k in his grip by holding a fistfull of his hair. 

“What’s Warren up to?” Will asked him, having the audacity to look mildly bored. 

“Isn’t anything I could tell you obsolete by now? It’s been, what, four or five days down here, and another few outside?” 10k said sarcastically, still twisting against McClair’s painful hold on him. 

“Good point, kid. So why don’t you just give it up if its so unimportant?” 

“What would your little girl think, knowing her daddy’s a monster?” 10k snapped rather than answer his question. 

This seemed to strike a chord with Will, as his eyes narrowed and he gave a sharp nod to McClair. 

Then 10k’s head was below water. He resisted panic, closing his mouth and trying to force his mind to settle. His body did not take too kindly to the initial inhale of water. He fought desperately to get himself out of McClair’s grip, but with bound hands and the man holding him by his neck, he was helpless. His lungs began to burn, water made its way up his nose and it took all his instincts not to try and take a gulp of water instead of air despite 10k wanting to. 

Finally, just when he thought he would black out, his head was yanked up. 

10k choked up water, gasping for air, trying desperately to get his bearings. 

“Anything to say?” Will’s voice finally reached him. 

10k could hardly speak. Still, he shook his head, taking in as much air as he could. 

Then, he was under once again. 10k had had a moment to prepare. He did not thrash against McClair’s grip with the same amount of force, only focused on steadying his mind. Eventually, despite his desperate gasps for air prior, the oxygen ran thin. His lungs first burned but then he felt as if they were about to explode. Only then did McClair pull him back up. 

10k inhaled deeply, preparing to finally steady himself. He only had the chance to take one breath before McClair plunged him under. Then 10k panicked once again. He thrashed in hysteria, swallowing water as his body would not let it enter his lungs. That same pressure, his body’s desperate search for oxygen, resumed and the pain built until he couldn’t bear it and once again, McClair pulled him out of it. 

Inhale. 

Then back under. 

“Give him a moment,” Will spoke the next time he was pulled up. 10k was shaking from the icy water and it took him a moment to clear his vision. He coughed violently, his breathing gasping and choked. Will gave him a few minutes just to breathe. A mercy he could not trust. 

“You’re a smart, boy, 10k,” Will said. “I don’t want for that to happen again. _You_ don’t want for that to happen again. Why don’t you share something with me?” 

10k was dazed. He felt like he still couldn’t get enough air even now and he was terrified to return to the water. Perhaps even in more terror than a dislocated shoulder. Murphy wasn’t leering over him - not physically at least - and he had nothing else to give. Nothing that would only hurt him, anyways. Nothing left to give up. No remaining defense short of betraying what he had fought for thus far. 

“H-How ‘bout you just kill me?” 10k sputtered out. 

Will frowned, seeming discouraged. Still, he motioned for McClair to proceed. 

10k’s body thrashed more on instinct than anything, as emotionally he was done fighting back. Say they accidentally drowned him. He would win. Murphy will have broken his favorite toy without getting his way. That would be rich, even if 10k had to lose his life to achieve it. It wasn’t like he was exactly thriving as is. He didn’t want to die, that was clear enough, but if in doing so he spited Murphy one last time, he’d take it. 

Like clockwork, McClair pulled him up just long enough for him to take a gasping inhale before forcing his head under the water again. 

Eventually, when he came up, his body was weakened. He managed to at least breathe shallowly with some effort before he was put under again, but his tolerance for the torture was waning thin. 

The pain returned sooner this time. His vision came with spotted lights behind dark eyelids. 10k forced his body to go limp. Instinct kept him still pulling up against McClair’s grip, but the sudden stillness was enough to have McClair pulling him up sooner. 

10k inhaled slowly through his nose, allowing his body to hang loosely from McClair’s grip. 

“Shit,” he heard Will speak before rushing closer. “Come on, kid. You better not be dead. I’ll get in serious trouble.” 

McClair dropped him and cut his wrists loose. Will made to feel a pulse but by then 10k was already up. 10k forced Will to the floor, his head colliding with the ground fast. In the same breath he kicked McClair in the knee, forcing him down, howling with pain. Will did not get back up and 10k knew he didn’t have time to try and face McClair so he was already running. 

10k wasn’t stupid. The goal was not to escape. It was to see how far he could get. 

Halfway up the stairs apparently. 

At which point McClair grabbed onto his ankle and threw him back down. 10k stared up at the man, who stood off kilter, before glancing down. His knee was not where it should be. Serves him right. McClair’s hands were around his throat and once again he struggled for air. 

“I-I’ll fucking kill you!” The man snarled but upon saying it his hands went slack and the anger seemed to die with it. 

Now he dragged 10k back to his cell, McClair’s limp being the only sign of his injury. 10k now felt it was Murphy in the room with him. Not McClair. The man threw him into the back of his cell, 10k wincing as his already bruised body hit the metal. 

10k’s recklessness faded and was replaced by fear. Murphy controlled the man’s actions. Murphy might use the man to enact his punishment as well. McClair then pulled Will’s unconscious body from the room and slid the metal door shut without another word. This was far from comforting, but at least McClair hadn’t torn off his jumpsuit and attacked him. 

The floor was soaked from the bucket spilling over. As was 10k. God, if he wasn’t cold before. Still, 10k got his wish. The basin of water, now half empty from his struggling, had been left behind. 10k could clean the dried blood and filth from Murphy from his body. 

More concerning than the cold was the bandages were now soaking wet. It was an invitation to infection. Although Murphy had taken hold of McClair. He had stopped him from strangling 10k. Surely a man that conniving wouldn’t let his captive go to an infected wound. 

He pushed the thought aside, which was difficult as his thrashing body had restarted the bleeding, tearing through the start of scabbing easily. 10k shivered uncontrollably, forcing himself to sit up. He went to the basin of water and tore off another strip of fabric from his already ruined clothes. Which he would have to take off in order to get clean. 10k sighed. The fact of the matter was no matter what was on his body would stop Murphy. He needed to get over it and get what was left of Murphy _off_ of him. He stripped. 

He forced his hands to steady and washed away days of pain from his thighs. Somehow it did not cleanse his disgust. The scent of copper which had pervaded his nose faded as he cleaned as much of the blood as he could. There was nothing to do about the bandages or whatever blood was beneath them. 

The cold was unbearable. He could not get dry or warm. Water covered the floor and his hair was still sopping wet. He pulled the jumpsuit back on, as if the sodden, tattered fabric could provide any warmth. Sleep, if you call near fainting that, came to him easily. His mind and body exhausted and his tired lungs aching. 

“You’re trouble, Thomas,” Murphy’s words woke him up with a start like an electric shock. He scrambled back into the wall, breathing far more desperately as if expecting the air to be snatched from him once again. It was just Murphy. 10k’s cell had been emptied. Of the basin of water, the chains, even the scraps of rope left behind. 

A dark grin curled on Murphy’s lips at 10k’s immediate fear. “I’m tired of you beating on my men and trying to fight me.” 10k said nothing. “We’ll just wait until the drug wears off, then we’ll get back to the fun, how about that?” 

10k kept his silence, eyes narrowed. 

“Let’s say a week of… solitary confinement,” Murphy seemed to enjoy his little games. “Once I’m back in control, we’ll see if you’re more willing to chat about Warren and her little friends.” 

10k didn’t even have the chance to make a witty retort before the metal door slid shut and he was alone with the dark. As he would remain for days to come.


	13. Chapter 13

10k had tried to retain some sense of peace - maliciously too - as Murphy left him alone. But days in the black with nothing to think about except for the growing withdrawals. He wished it had just stopped at the throbbing headache and cold sweats. He had plenty of time to try and sleep it off. If he could sleep at all.

Instead of getting better, the lack of the drugs pushed him further and further into delirium. The dull ache turned into an icepick to his skull. 10k curled up, holding his head between his hands as thoughts besides his own began to pierce his mind. 

_you love murphy, don’t you? You just want to be with him? Don’t worry, Thomas. You’ll see him again soon_

“Get out of my head,” 10k mumbled. “Get out of my head!” He shouted hoarsely into the dark. 

_aren’t you lonely, Thomas? Don’t you miss his hands on you? Miss feeling safe?_

“No… no no no…” 10k wished he could hide from the voice growing louder in his head. 

It was just the voice growing louder at first. Until eventually the filter on his own thoughts returned. 10k could not think on his hatred of Murphy without extreme pain. And he had started… well. Sleepwalking was the closest thing he could describe. He would wake up to find his body had stood. Moved to the door and sometimes he would wake to find that his fingernails were digging into old wounds. 

As of 10k could take back control with some thought, but he was slipping. And fast. It was far more painful than the first time around. Perhaps because the first time he hadn’t even known he was out of control until later on. Now he fought tooth and nail to keep his body his own. 

Sometimes when 10k managed to wrench back the reins, he was punished by vivid memories of Murphy on top of him or being forced under the water or of razor blades digging down his back. It was more than memories. It was reliving it. 

10k found himself on the ground, shoulders hunched in in feral resistance and his nails dragged across stone even as it drew blood. Physical pain was a mercy compared to memory. Inhaling water. Blood dripping down his back. His arm disconnected from his body. And a poisonous man holding him down and violating his body. 

His body twitched and spasmed, his whole body resisting the lack of the drug. His breathing grew shallow and his vision was spotted by flashes of white. All the while Murphy’s consciousness attempted to dominate his. 

_you belong to me. Let me help you. The pain will stop if you just let me fix you_

“Shut up!” 10k was screaming at an empty room as he desperately tried to hold onto himself. “J-Just shut up!” His head was going to explode. He would black out, curl on the cold floor as his consciousness was dragged back into torture. 

_you’re broken, thomas. You need to be fixed. You’re not winning anything. Stop hurting yourself. You’ll be so much happier back with us_

“Fuck you!” 10k’s voice broke on his words as he was cut off by a cry of pain as phantom wounds returned and his head pounded. “P-Please…” 

10k knew Murphy was watching him now but that did not make it any easier to hold back sobs as his control which he had clung to so desperately finally began to wane. 10k had no idea to what extent Murphy’s control of 10k’s actual mind ran so whenever he started to think about Warren or Doc or anything to do with them, he went through the steps of how to skin fish. 

Just going through the process with all of his mental capacity so no thought of his friends slipped through. It also seemed to disgust Murphy enough that he would pull back. Especially when 10k went through the steps of skinning an eel. Murphy seemed repulsed by how easy it was to slide the oily flesh from its body. 

While this protected his friends, it did not protect 10k in the slightest. Murphy seemed to grow frustrated with 10k’s resistance and eventually pushed back with as much force as he could muster. 

This was where 10k was broken down. 

There was no relief. Murphy forced him from one memory to the next. From the panic of being half drowned to the pain of blades all tied together with the violation of rape over and over and over again. There was no respite as 10k’s mind was forced through one blurred, confusing dream - hallucination? - of every torment for days on end. 

10k had a choice. Resist and be plunged back into that hell until Murphy decided to puppeteer his body behind a trigger. Or let it happen and - nothing. He simply existed. Along for the ride while his body paced his cell and drew a little blood. 

10k was so tired. It almost felt easier to just do that. 10k told himself he was just biding his time but it was reaching the point where resisting costed more than it was worth. He was growing numb. A shell of anything he was before. The pain stopped. Murphy’s presence didn’t. 

Eventually the cell door slid open. 

10k hadn’t seen the sun in two weeks. Yet when he finally did, consumed by a numbness and a hatred for the man before him, 10k wanted to return to the dark. Rather than stand there as Murphy laid out on his throne and combed him with his eyes. 

“You know the funny thing about confinement, and I speak from experience, gives you time to think about the big things,” Murphy drawled. 10k did not miss that self obsessed voice. “You know, life, it’s purpose. Why am I here? How do I fit in? Did you find that?” 

10k’s weakened body swayed on his feet. “I only thought about how much I hate your guts,” he said softly. 

“Hate my guts?” Murphy actually sounded offended. “Wow. Those are hurtful words,” he pouted. “For a man who found you starving and near death.” 

_I’d rather die you sick bastard_ 10k wanted to say but the words were caught in his throat. Only what Murphy allowed him to say got through the filter when Wesson, the blend who had brought him upstairs, was there to witness it, who still hadn’t seen Murphy’s evil. 

“So tell me,” Murphy sat up. “What is Warren planning?” Not subtle, is he? “Come on,” Murphy stood, approaching him. “I know her as well as you do. Warren is relentless. She’s gonna try something. What is it?” 

10k, still unsteady on his feet, his body shaking slightly, looking as if he were about to collapse, forced a warped half-smile. Just to prove he was not gone yet. Then, flat out lying this time. “She didn’t tell me.” 

Murphy stared at him for a moment and 10k could feel him digging at his mind. Looking for the untruths. 

Eventually, he turned. Heading for a safe tucked against the wall. 10k’s facade faded as doom continued to set in. 

“Look what I found,” Murphy spoke, opening the safe. He waved around a small black box. “Humanity in a single injection!” 

10k felt a strange shame grow at how desperately he wanted it. He pushed it away, knowing the cost. 

Murphy paced, “so, you tell me what Warren is planning, and I might just give you your soul back.” 

Might. 10k knew not to trust the snake even without his offer. And Murphy was definitely right on that account. Murphy held his soul. And regardless of his empty promises, he had no intention of giving it back. 

“Hm?” Murphy grew more serious. “One more time, what is Warren’s plan?” 

10k refused to yield so Murphy sent him away. 

Yet 10k was truly relieved that Murphy had stopped hurting him. Even for the time being. He could see sunlight. And Wesson was not out to torture him, even if he seemed to resent 10k for being rude to Murphy. 

10k was set about cleaning the gore from inside the fence. It was disgusting work. Even though the Zs seemed less inclined to tear into his flesh, he hated their dead eyes boring into him and their filthy bodies brushing past his. 

Better their touch than _his_. 

Still, 10k had not missed the scent of rotting flesh that came with the apocalypse. Evidently, Murphy did not yet trust him with a gun. 

10k acted only when Murphy forced him to. Every step was another command from Murphy. 10k wondered if it tired him. To engineer 10k’s every action. If eventually he would give up and decide 10k was more trouble than he was worth. 

10k did not know if his fate then would be better or worse. He also did not know if he had the energy, the _soul_ left in him to care. 

Wesson it seemed was responsible for him. After 10k’s weak and starved body could barely stand, he led him back to the house. 10k had been unsteady when the day began. Now it seemed Murphy planned to work him to death. Wesson shoved him into the showers. 

“You have ten minutes,” Wesson shut the door and 10k could only assume stood guard outside it. 

10k had not been clean since… since before he’d fled Murphytown the first time, honestly. 

10k removed layers of dried blood and dirt from his body. Yet his skin was still distorted with blotches of bruising. He hardly looked cleaner for all the damage done. 

His arms, his right eye especially, mottled and a brownish purple. 

10k hadn’t even realized how wounded he had become. 

Removing the dried blood did not prove promising for the wounds on his back. There were deep gouges just scabbed over all across his back. 

10k knew he would not be given the chance to heal. He was going to be Murphy’s puppet. Until that killed him, or a battle with Warren’s people did.


	14. Chapter 14

10k should have known he was made clean only to be made filthy by Murphy once again.

Wesson dropped him off in Murphy’s room where he was left alone. 10k heard the main door shut and immediately tried to act. To look for a way to arm himself or a window he could jump from. 10k’s legs buckled beneath him and he clung to the bedframe of the fourposter. After a moment to gather some strength, he went to the drawers in the bedside table. 

Of course, unlike everyone else in the apocalypse, Murphy didn’t feel the need to keep a gun next to his bed. The only difference in the room was a hole in the wall in the rough outline of a doorway. It was covered by maroon curtains and 10k pulled it back to see that it had been knocked into the bathroom next door. 10k went to the sink. He was still looking for a weapon, but really he was curious. 10k turned on the sink. Running water. 

The bastard - 10k winced at the thought - had running water. 

“Already wandering, Thomas?” Murphy spoke from behind him. 

10k flinched, looking around the room wildly. The closest thing to a weapon was a razor, but what was he going to do? Make a few little cuts? Before he could even try and act on the thought Murphy forced him to turn around. 10k had had the autonomy to make an attempt, but Murphy’s direct control was inescapable. 

“You don’t look so good, Thomas,” Murphy’s hand brushed against 10k’s cheek and he didn’t even have the heart to snap at him. “Nothing to say? No fight left in you?” He was goading him. 

10k didn’t have the energy to waste on playing into his games. If he could not physically tear Murphy apart he couldn’t much see the point. Murphy seemed to find his apathy aggravating. 

“Pathetic. I thought you might get bored in solitary I didn’t think you’d get _boring_ ,” Murphy whined, commanding 10k to follow him back into his room. 

Murphy spread out on an overstuffed armchair by the windows. “Come on. Yell at me,” Murphy said. “Give me a reason to get back at you. I know you’re angry, so why not show it?” Murphy frowned. “You’re more tired too. When did you get that _tired_?” 

10k said nothing. Merely stood where he was sent and allowed Murphy’s irritation to grow. Honestly it was more satisfying than telling him to fuck off. 

“I didn’t know breaking you down would be this dull,” Murphy grumbled. “Even poking around your head is just like staring into a black hole. Can’t believe you’re still standing, honestly.” He eyed 10k’s unsteady and weak body with cold eyes. “Come on, I know you’re hungry. You’re not wondering if I’m planning on feeding you?” 

10k was starving. His rations during the week of solitary had been inconsistent at best and inedible at worst. Of course, he wasn’t going to beg Murphy for anything. Not while he could hold off, at least. 

“Maybe I’ll just let you stand there all night. See if you’re still standing in the morning,” Murphy said with a crooked grin. He must’ve noticed that that didn’t sound all that bad to 10k. Once he passed out, it would be smooth sailing until morning. The wood floors of Murphy’s room would be warmer than the stone of the basement. 

“God, you’re impossible. Am I really gonna have to draw blood just to get you to open that fucking mouth?” Murphy snapped. 

10k didn’t even flinch. Not even when Murphy jolted to his feet and stood directly in front of him. 10k’s eyes remained fixed on the ground out of a grim sort of determination. Murphy’s breath was hot on his face and 10k only reacted by the slightest tension of his shoulders when Murphy’s hands began to wander. 

“Come on. Aren’t you going to at least tell me how much you missed me?” Murphy spoke softly in his ear as his hands touched his chest before trailing lower. 

10k bit his lip. Murphy was looking for a reaction, so being felt up or not he would refuse to give him the satisfaction. 10k tried to let the world fade out. Let himself focus on anything besides physical sensation. 

Murphy got impatient and gave up even sooner than 10k would have thought. 

“You’re a goddamn walking corpse!” Murphy snarled. 10k was forced to flinch back as Murphy backhanded him, but it was more so a stumble. He balanced himself onto the fourposter. “Now you’re trying to stay strong. Come on, you think you get to play dead _and_ not get fucked with?” 

Murphy adjusted, putting the rings he wore on his left hand onto his right. Another backhand that tore into his cheek. 10k’s knuckles were white as he tried to support himself. So Murphy went for the knees and 10k went down. He let out a soft gasp, refusing to actually cry out. 

Murphy yanked onto his hair, still spitting insults as he dragged him up from the floor onto his knees. “You’re fucking pathetic. Can’t kill yourself so you do this? It’s low. Even for you.” 

Murphy was reactive. Stubborn and feral in his actions. He had his belt off and was mouthfucking the kid soon after. Even that, 10k merely flinched away afterwards. Spitting and shuddering. He didn’t ask for mercy. Didn’t even cry out. 

“Pathetic,” Murphy said. “I’ll get you to do something. One way or another.” 

10k flinched as Murphy walked past, opening the bottom drawer of his dresser and getting a pair of handcuffs, chaining him to the bedpost. 

“Since I can’t trust you yet, you get to sleep on the floor,” Murphy stepped over him and went to bed. 

10k wanted to wash his mouth out. More importantly he wanted water. He was so thirsty and tired of all this. So 10k just curled on the floor and tried to sleep. He was done fighting. 

10k actually slept quite well on the wooden floors in the warmth of the upstairs rooms. He jolted awake though once Murphy woke. 

“Rise and shine. You’ve got more shit to do,” Murphy kicked him in the ribs and 10k would’ve cried out if the breath hadn’t been knocked out of him. 

10k’s wrist was unbound now so he scrambled to his feet. Sleep had done little to fight off his fatigue. He needed water. Something to eat if he was lucky. Murphy, another old suit on, had already left the room. 10k went to the bathroom, feeling as if he was committing a crime just drinking from the sink. 

“Come on,” Wesson spoke from behind him. “Murphy wants you to help repair the fence.” 

“Of course he does,” 10k muttered. 

As they headed downstairs, 10k pulled away. The lab. He hadn’t seen Dr. Merch once since leaving the cellar. The chalkboard was still covered in chemistry notes he did not understand and chemicals littered the work table, but the doctor herself was nowhere in sight. 

“Come on,” Wesson pulled him back out. 

“Where-?” 10k asked, but Wesson didn’t bother with an answer. Instead he shoved a coil of wires and pliers into his hands. 

“The fence is broken there and there,” he told him. “Thred it shut and check for other holes.” 

10k nodded curtly. He did as he was told and only that, yet he still found himself looking to the windows into the lab. Yet he saw no one except for Murphy once, pacing the length of the room. 

10k was covered in dirt from kneeling in the mud by noon. He passed out from exhaustion not long after. He came to not long after to Wesson pulling him to his feet. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Wesson shook him slightly. 

10k shook his head. “Just… just tired. I need t’ eat something.” 

10k hadn’t eaten in four days. It was a miracle he hadn’t passed out before now. 

“Come on, then,” Wesson took him inside to the kitchens and abandoned him there. 

10k leaned against the counter for support. He didn’t even want to eat anymore it was past that. He sat on the floor head in his hands. If he was going to keep working he’d have to eat something. Yet eating something eliminated the only way he knew he could die.


	15. Chapter 15

Wesson never came back for him. 10k wandered the building, keeping his eyes low and out of the way of the other blends going about their jobs. Eventually he returned to the lab. He was so lonely and even though Merch was back under Murphy’s power as well he just wanted someone who might understand.

10k went to the table littered with old needles and notes. He had never known Merch to be this disorganized. Although he was not surprised, considering the stress of living here. Of course no vials of the original vaccine were left outside the safe. 

“What are you doing in my lab?” Murphy had entered the doorway behind him. 

10k whirled around, pressing back into the table behind him. Just to put some distance between them. 

“Did you manage to fuck something up?” He approached the table and began to rifle through the notes. “Leave you alone for ten minutes and you go wandering exactly where you shouldn’t be.” 

10k wanted to ask where Merch was. He had a terrible feeling. Still, he would not speak to the man unless he had to. Murphy glanced up at the chalkboard. 

“Don’t need that anymore,” he erased some of the formulas before adding something new. 10k stared at the handwriting. It was the same as all of the notes covering the walls. “Why don’t you go do something useful instead of standing there like a mentally deficient freak?” He snarled. “Despite that obviously being what you are.” 

Murphy turned around to keep insulting him. “Were you born this dense or did something happen to you living in the woods?” 

10k stared at him with loathing. He did not react. His body remained weak. But 10k would kill him if given the chance. 

“What’s got you so bitter today?” Murphy put down the chalk, brushing it from his hands. “And you don’t even show it, god it’s like you stashed your soul away. That’s mine, remember?” Murphy laughed. 

10k stared around the lab. Looking for some sign that Dr. Merch had been there. He paused for a moment, having caught something on the chair they had stolen from the hospital. There was blood on the headrest. A bit here and there all over the seat. As if someone had been wounded all over their body. 

“You’re looking for her?” Murphy spoke softly. “For Dr. Merch, aren’t you?” 

10k didn’t respond but his intentions were obvious. 

“She’s dead, you pathetic-” He seemed to scrounge for a fitting insult. “-you pathetic _whore_ ,” Murphy sneered. “What, did you think she was gonna save you? Fix you? Make everything better?” 

10k felt some form of grief. He didn’t know the woman, but they had been foxhole buddies, so to speak. And now he was alone and the bombs were still coming down. 

“Dumb bitch went and killed herself,” Murphy said. 

10k could’ve felt angry for being abandoned, but how could he blame her considering how often he thought of offing himself? The only one to blame was Murphy for keeping her, for keeping both of them, prisoner here. 

“You don’t want to know how?” Murphy mocked. He didn’t. The last thing 10k needed was to hear from Murphy in graphic detail how Dr. Merch slit her wrists. “Had to go out with a bang, she did. Took some of the original vaccine- some of _my_ medicine, and injected herself in the moat. Got torn apart. Wasn’t a very pretty sight.” 

10k kept his silence. 

“Don’t worry about me, Thomas,” Murphy said. “I took over the doctor job. I’ll make sure I’m healthy and the vaccines keep coming out.” 

10k didn’t want to know what witchdoctory bullshit Murphy had pulled to take over for Merch. 

Murphy got closer. 10k found himself unable to move. Even as Murphy’s body pressed against his. 

“Now I just gotta find a way to fix you,” Murphy said softly. “Get back that scared little murderer I know and love.” He paused, with a laugh, “well. Know and _hate_. But I sure do love fucking with you.” Murphy pressed him against the wall. “Fucking you.” He paused only to bite at 10k’s neck, sucking on his collarbones, seeming to enjoy his victim’s involuntary shudder. 

Much to 10k’s surprise, Murphy pulled back. “I have other things to do. But later, let’s chat. Talk things over.” It sounded like a threat. Then 10k was alone. 

10k survived the day. Physically less weak, but his mind remained distant and every action took an order. He really was just a corpse being dragged along. Wesson came to fetch him without explanation, heading towards Murphy’s office. The man seemed… stressed. Murphy was overwhelmed with his new power and 10k was just the only problem he could deal with. 

“Sit down,” Murphy told him. He had spoken to 10k before then, but he only reacted to the order. Only to what he had to. Wesson let go of his arm and 10k took a seat at Murphy’s table. 

Murphy waved Wesson away. They were alone. Murphy toyed with a letter opener on his desk. 

“We need to talk about something,” Murphy started. “And by something, I mean you.” Murphy as always paused. As if expecting 10k to say something. “You’re not like the others. They’ve accepted being blends. Embraced it even. It’s the best thing that ever happened to them. But _you_? When you’ve had a booster shot, you’re a pain in the ass. And when you haven’t,” Murphy eyed him thoughtfully, “you just sort of fade into oblivion. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re heart’s not in it.” 

10k reacted on instinct. He saw the blade flying at his head and he caught it. He wasn’t sure if he wished he hadn’t or not. 

A smile curled on Murphy’s smug face. As if a point had been proven. 

“You _react_ , but you don’t act,” Murphy said. He stood, circling the table. “I need you to take the initiative here.” He sat across from him. “We are preparing to go to war. And you should be the hero at the front of my army.” He spoke almost emphatically. Convinced of a righteous cause to the point that he almost seemed to forget that 10k was a prisoner here. 

“It’s a problem. And we need to fix it,” Murphy said. “And I think I know how.” Murphy raised his left hand, forcing 10k to mirror him. Both hands were laid flat on the table. 10k still held the knife in the other. Murphy twirled his fingers lightly, so 10k held the knife facing down towards the table. The actions were slow. Deliberate. Giving 10k plenty of time to realize with some anxiety that he may soon be losing a finger. 

“I think it’s that stupid name,” Murphy told him. “Ten thousand,” he said mockingly. “10K isn’t just a name to you. It’s your mission. It’s your purpose.” Murphy took his time. Drew things out like always. 

“But as far as I can see, as long as you're 10K, you're no good to me,” Murphy shook his head. “I think you need a new goal. A new purpose. You thought it was killing 10,000 zombies, but it's not.” He spoke like it was fact. Because he made it so. 

“That’s an outmoded way of thinking,” Murphy explained, enjoying the sound of his own voice. “The world has moved past that sort of thing. So I have decided to give you a new mission.” Murphy paused. 10k was not consciously aware of this but Murphy was cutting off his ability to think for himself one pathway at a time. His name was just the start. “Thomas.” 

He hated the sound of that name out of his mouth. That was what drew his attention. A reaction. 

Murphy’s voice grew soft, “first, I need to know that I can trust you.” 

The tension was only growing. And the penny had to drop some time. His hand, poised with the knife, shook slightly. Some part of his facade broke and he grimaced, ready for the knife to find its target. 

Thomas flinched as the knife stabbed into the table between his fingers. Murphy tilted his head, eyeing him carefully. “Do you know the knife game?” 

Thomas gave only the slightest of nods. 

“Show me.” 

Thomas was more irritated by these games than afraid. He tapped the blade between each finger. 

“If it were any of the other blends, there wouldn't be a question.” 

His hands moved faster against his own volition. 

“But you and I have a history.” 

Faster. 

“And I need to know that won’t interfere with things.” 

Carelessly, now. 

“I need to know what you’re willing to do for me.” Murphy watched him so carefully. Even his thoughts. 

“I need to know that you’re willing to kill for me, Thomas.” 

He wasn’t consciously aware of it, but as the skin around his knuckles was tattered by the blade, Murphy was making some changes. Murphy could not control his thoughts, not really, but he could put some… preventative measures in place. For any insurgent thoughts. Any thought of hope. 

“Or die for me.” 

Thomas struggled to hold back tears from spilling over on his stoic face from the simple pain of it. Holding back screams or winces of pain was far easier than this. 

“Enough.” Murphy finally stopped him. He glanced down at Thomas’s hand and the notes beneath it now spattered with blood. His hand still holding the knife against a fresh cut. Murphy let him put the knife down as he seemed satisfied with the result. 

Murphy got up and went to Thomas’s side. 

Murphy held up Thomas’s hand, eyeing his victim’s handiwork. “Good thing this isn’t your trigger hand.” He slowly wrapped the wounds in a blue hankerchief. He held his hand so gently before pressing it back to the table. 

Murphy’s hands trailed up his arm, patting Thomas’s shoulders goodnaturedly before sitting at his side. Far too close for comfort. His hands still touching Thomas’s shoulder. 

“Now, let’s talk about your new mission.” At these ominous words Thomas’s expression gave away the slightest twitch of nerves, turning to face the man beside him. Then Murphy whispered softly in his ear. “Once I get you back to your former glory, you find Warren. They don’t trust you anymore so you just follow. But you _let_ yourself be caught. You’ll have different orders with you. Make sure they’re kept busy with that and you get me their location. And don’t go thinking about running to your friends for help. They know by now that you’re not ten thousand anymore. As if you could. Just try. Try and _think_ about them and see what happens.” Then, he pulled back. “You understand what I want you to do?” 

Thomas nodded. That was painless. Murphy slid a sheet of paper into his good hand containing the ruse orders. 

“And I have a surprise for you,” Murphy leaned back, looking quite proud of himself. Murphy held a single injector in front of him. How was Thomas supposed to not react to that? Murphy laid it on the table in front of him, smiling far too calmly. “Go ahead.” 

Thomas looked to him, trying to find what consequences were waiting. What game Murphy was playing. 

“It’s okay,” Murphy said so softly. Thomas couldn’t find a lie in his words. That was what scared him. “That’s what you want, isn’t it?” 

Thomas picked up the vial. Nothing bad happened. 

“To be yourself again?” Murphy watched him so carefully just as Thomas stared at the injector before him. “To be human?” 

Thomas was more focused on holding the trigger over his arm, his hands shaking. The injector mere inches from his skin. His brow furrowed and Thomas did not move. His thumb twitched on the trigger, unable to move any further. 

What good would it do? 

Free will? 

All it had gotten him was weeks of torture and helplessness. 

Thomas did not know if he was physically capable of doing it. He had a feeling that if he truly wanted to, he could. 

But somehow he _didn’t_. He didn’t want to go back downstairs. He didn’t want to incur Murphy’s wrath and above all he did not want to be responsible for whatever Murphy made him do next. 

Thomas put the vial down. 

“Good,” Murphy spoke softly. Thomas was reeling now he gave that up, what was _happening_ to him? Murphy pulled him out of his daze with a hand on the back of his neck forcing Thomas to meet his eyes. “Good.” 

“Your transformation is complete,” Murphy spoke almost sarcastically now. With the slightest nod of the head Murphy motioned for him to leave. Which Thomas did with heavy, deadened footsteps. “Remember what we talked about.” Murphy called after him. 

Thomas knew well enough Murphy was not referring to their little plot to come in the following days, he was referring to his warning. Thomas shouldn’t dare think about his former self or his former life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohoho! The knife scene. finally.  
> Now, the show makes it seem as if hours after that 10k- I mean Thomas ;) -goes after Warren, but like.  
> Boys been locked up for days he isn't ready for a firefight.  
> And as if I would make it that easy...  
> So I'm thinking between that chat there's a few days until the confrontation with Warren. I think it's pretty logical for it to take a bit to get ready and it works for me. So.  
> We're not out of the woods yet


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was so hard for me to write. It actually made me feel sick, although it also seems very in character for Murphy. Considering what kind of man he is in several ways, but specifically I wrote it the way I did because there's nothing to romanticize about Murphy and Thomas's relationship. It is disgusting and horrible, through and through.
> 
> So read with caution and understand that it is disturbing with a purpose.

Thomas did not think of his loved ones beyond their names. If he attached any soul to them he feared the consequences. Thomas had tunnel vision and it was safest that way. He had a gun back in his hands and he clung to it as his only comfort.

Murphy was not sending him off to Warren without some semblance of strength back. So Thomas was allowed to eat and told to patrol and get accustomed to firing a gun. Thomas was so grateful that so far he had not had to use it against the living. 

Thomas had put some weight on. He no longer verged on collapse and he was in public far too often for Murphy to beat him. He almost hated that the life he was living felt so merciful. The cost was that he not only no longer owned his body he no longer owned his mind. Wasn’t that worth no longer being in pain? 

That is, until night fell. And there were no witnesses to protect him. 

“Come on,” Murphy led him up to his bedroom. Thomas could pray it meant just curling up to sleep on the floor. It never did. “Clothes off. Get on the bed.” Thomas felt nauseous that this had become routine. 

Even as his body was forced to obey, Thomas tried to remember that even if had had his free will Murphy wouldn’t have given him the choice. Somehow that didn’t comfort him or justify any of his decisions leading up to the moment he couldn’t make any. Thomas, his clothes abandoned, sat on the edge of the bed, curled in on himself while he was still allowed to. 

Murphy opened the bottom drawer of his wardrobe and returned with a coil of rope. Thomas tried so hard to resist every prayer he wanted to send to his loved ones, knowing that even that luxury would be punished by the walls Murphy had embedded in his head. Hope was a fallacy. It was a trap to be feared and therefore was obsolete in its purpose. 

So Thomas was forced to focus on his reality, regardless of the evil that came with it. Regardless of his arms being pressed into his back, bent upwards between his shoulder blades, and bound with a rope that would follow to bind to his neck like a leash. It was a joke, really. Or at least an act. As Murphy bound his legs so he would be unable to even sit up - his lower legs bound to his thighs - as if to prevent him from kicking Murphy to defend himself. An impossibility. 

Murphy returned to the drawer. Returning with something Thomas didn’t quite recognize. A ball gag. The kid had been fourteen when the world went to shit, he’d never even seen a rated R movie. Saying he understood any of this would be a lie. 

“It was pure luck. Me and my guys finding a sex shop downtown,” Murphy forced it into his mouth, binding the leather strap. “Don’t worry. I didn’t bring anything else from there with me.” 

Thomas didn’t even know what there was to be afraid of. 

Murphy paused, staring at his handiwork. “Look at you. All dressed up like a present. I might hate you, Thomas -and I do, I really do- but you’re just _precious_.” 

Thomas couldn’t even mouth ‘fuck you’. Gag or not. 

This was more than sexual gratification for Murphy. This was a humiliation tactic. One meant to unnerve and dehumanize him. To frighten as well, as Murphy proceeded to take a strip of black fabric and tie it around his eyes. Then the weight of a thin chain hung loosely from around his neck. Something dangled at the end but while blind he didn’t know what. Thomas could not see and did not know what was to happen to his helpless body. The fear tactic worked. He flinched at every sound. Especially a strange shuttering click. Thomas could not question what was happening. Only wait, unable to move. He cried out into the gag when Murphy finally touched him, forcing him against the mattress. 

Revulsion could not begin to describe how Thomas felt. He could not see or scream with the ball in his mouth choking him, forcing his mouth open and causing his jaw to ache. All there was to occupy him was the physical feeling of Murphy on top of him. 

It didn’t really hurt anymore, Murphy using him. That was a tragedy in itself. Thomas had adjusted. Or Murphy had gotten gentler. Neither was a possibility he could make peace with. Still, Thomas did not miss the blood or screaming himself hoarse. Even as saliva pooled around the gag and dripped down his chin. A humiliation tactic. 

Guttural sounds and filthy words still slipped from Murphy’s mouth and with harsh breaths into Thomas’s ears. He yanked on the chain around Thomas’s neck, enjoying watching him choke. Thomas flinched, letting out a soft whine into the gag as Murphy stroked his face. 

“Shhh,” Murphy purred. “I won’t leave you out.” 

Thomas only had a moment to wonder what that meant before he let out a muffled cry. Murphy was _touching_ him. He writhed against the ropes, incoherable and hysterical through the gag. 

“No no no,” Murphy spoke so softly. He was fucking Thomas far more slowly now, his hands occupied on molesting the boy beneath him. “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’ll feel good.” 

Thomas begged him to stop as his body reacted to Murphy’s touch. He didn’t _want_ this. He didn’t want Murphy to tear something else away from him. Murphy didn’t listen. He never did. Thomas had no experience. He had never been _with_ someone, only been violated. Treated as an object. But somehow this was worse. To be touched and engaged with as if in any capacity Murphy wanted to give him pleasure. It was humiliation turned to torture. And all Thomas could feel was shame on top of shame on top of shame. 

Even when Murphy finished. For both of them. 

Their bodies both covered in sweat and filth and spit and only one of them hating the fact. 

“Why’re you shaking so much?” Murphy spoke. He began to run his fingers through Thomas’s hair, even as he pulled away. “I came, _you_ came, what do you have to complain about?” 

Thomas couldn’t breathe momentarily as Murphy yanked him up by the rope around his neck. 

“Stay,” Murphy said unnecessarily. He left Thomas bent forward on his knees, head bowed, unable to stop shaking. His arms and jaw ached. His wrists forced to remain pinned between his shoulder blades by the rope, his arms bent up at an awkward and painful angle. Especially the shoulder which had been dislocated before. The metal which locked the ball to the leather dug into his cheeks and bit into his gums painfully. Swallowing hurt and his tongue was forced back. 

Thomas flinched at that same shuttering click from before. Nothing touched him. Nothing hurt. Its simple existence and unfamiliarity was enough to terrify. 

Thomas let out a yelp when Murphy reached out and tore the blindfold from his face without warning. 

The shuttering click was literally that. It was the shutter of a polaroid camera. Thomas was running out of ways to react to the indescribable shame and horror rising inside of him. His breathing became more labored as Murphy continued to document his sins. Thomas stared down at his bare chest. There, at the end of a thin chain, were dog tags. 

That was all he was. A dog on a leash. Maybe he should be grateful that Murphy hadn’t branded him like cattle. Although, considering the bite mark scarred onto his neck, perhaps Murphy already had. 

Murphy grabbed onto his chin, not seeming to mind the drool - and probably tears - covering it and forced Thomas to look back up at him. 

“It’s our last night before I send you off to the front line, surely you don’t blame me for wanting something to remember you by?” Murphy goaded him for a reaction. Every word intended to dig a wound. 

Murphy took pictures. He admired his work and enjoyed the way Thomas looked. Torture and pain was not beautiful. It was not a graceful tragedy or a martyrdom to worship. It was disgusting and shameful and more loathing than sorrow. It was drool on the chin of a filthy body. 

Murphy’s hand pulled away from his chin and instead undid the strap forcing the gag into his mouth. Thomas finally could close his aching jaw and swallow. Murphy held a knife and Thomas hunched forward, but didn’t even try to pull away from the blade. All the man did was cut him loose. Allowing his aching arms and raw wrists to finally relax. He could have sobbed with relief if anyone besides Murphy had been the one setting him free. 

“You’ve become such a good boy, Thomas,” Murphy spoke softly, hand trailing over Thomas’s raised skin and guiding him to lay down. “You get to sleep on the bed tonight.” 

It felt more like a punishment than a reward as Murphy laid far too close to Thomas’s body which curled in on itself. 

Murphy was soon asleep but how the hell was he supposed to follow? Lying in bed with his torturer and rapist? He was weakened. Physically the past days had restored him but mentally he was cracked. 

So he thought of them. 

And the consequences finally revealed themselves. 

Murphy and whatever dark abilities he had commanded were oh so clever. His body did not react other than perhaps the glazing of the eyes. A good insurance should he think of them in front of witnesses. 

Internally, Thomas was in the cellar once again and his consciousness was flung from one torture to another. 

He thought of Warren. 

And of his head being forced under water. Over and over in reply to the question he could not answer. 

He thought of Doc. 

And of Murphy violating his body. The only man he had left to trust intrinsically tied to another man stripping away his innocence. 

He thought of Addy. 

And of having to bury Cassandra. Bury a knife in her neck and her body in the ground. 

Even daring to think of anyone who might be able to help him. Sun Mei, Vasquez, Hector- and razor blades were being dragged down his back. 

All this and Murphy didn’t even let him cry. Every rerun of hell was finely bottled inside of him while his body floated aimlessly like a raft at sea. 

Thomas had been made hollow. And Murphy had been sure to fill his shell of a body with every hell there was to offer. 

And tomorrow, he was expected to face them.


	17. Chapter 17

Every step he took here was a slow torment. Murphy allowed him to take a shower, but only with Murphy pressed up behind him. _Not enough hot water to waste_ being his vile justification. It wasn’t like refusing to join Murphy in the shower would stop him from objectifying his body or taking off his clothes. At least this way Thomas could wash away the filth from last night.

Murphy was going to make him all shiny and new again. Thomas couldn’t even disillusion himself to think that maybe Murphy feared Warren’s judgement for what he had done to her boy. 

He had to stop thinking of her like that. It was dangerous territory. 

The building only had about five minutes of warm water. Not even hot, just barely warm. Still all Thomas could think was what a waste of energy and of the furnace. That heat could be used to keep people warm at night. Still, five minutes was far too long to spend exposed with Murphy kissing his neck and feeling him up. In the end he was clean. And Thomas would take what he could get. 

“I got you a present,” those words out of Murphy’s mouth could never mean anything good. Thomas was relieved to find that instead of some new form of torture Murphy had clothes. Jeans, a black button up, leather jacket. He had bothered to waste someone’s time evidently as an ‘M’ was sewed onto the sleeve. A melodramatic claim on him. 

Murphy lounged on the chair in his bedroom, watching as Thomas got changed. Another goodbye present. A final moment of degradation before Murphy let him leave. Thomas kept his eyes down, refusing to look at the man as he buttoned up the shirt. 

“They’re downtown. You find them, you follow them, you show me, okay?” Murphy gave him a gun and tugged on his dog tags toyingly. 

“Okay,” Thomas spoke only out of fear of the consequences of silence. 

“Make me proud,” that stupid smirk curled on Murphy’s lips as he sent Thomas out to be his bait. 

Finally Thomas was out of that house. It was a distorted cocktail of relief and anxiety because every step he put between himself and Murphy meant soon he would be moving against his own family. Manipulating Warren and leading Murphy straight to her. 

Thomas’s hands were drawn to the dog tags weighing down his neck. Holding them he was made all the more aware of his shaking hands. A visible sign that Murphy owned him. If only his people would be able to see it. 

He walked quickly, sticking to corners, his pacing somewhere between that of a hunter and that of a soldier. The streets were silent except for the dead. The sound of human voices were easy to find. Downtown. The pack of supplies weighing his back did not slow his movements. Ahead, down the alley, a group of people wearing masks toyed with a Z. The red hand. Thomas knew next to nothing about them but they followed Warren. So if he followed them, he’d find her. 

Thomas set up behind a dumpster, lining up his gun to use the scope to see what was going on. Someone stood above the group. Red jacket. Long black hair, serious determined eyes. Warren. 

There was some clamor from the group as one of the men ordered them into the truck. Then Warren looked at him. Straight down the barrel of his gun. Thomas ducked down. The only being to shuffle past was the dead. When he finally peered back around the corner, the men and their truck were gone. He’d lost them. Damnit. 

Thomas took off at a jog down the street they had disappeared to. 

He turned the corner and glimpsed Warren’s cold, unfeeling expression and then, in a flash of white pain, collapsed into unconsciousness. 

Thomas came to with the sun beating down on him, leaning against an iron fence. The world seems blurred. Warren was talking with Sun Mei and the man from the red hand. Thomas looked up. They were on an outcropping underneath the dam. Thomas could feel Murphy in the background of his mind, pushing to see through his eyes, to get a location. Thomas was unable to resist. Murphy would not be far behind. 

His eyes once again caught Warren’s. Thomas shrunk back. There was no compassion there. He could not remember a time when Warren had looked at him like that. She came over to where he was bound against the fencing. 

“What am I gonna do with you?” Warren asked, looking grim. 

Thomas had so many thoughts racing, _please you have to help me, Warren_. And more importantly _you have to run. You have to get out of here he’s coming_. None of these thoughts escaped. Instead he just stared at her and for a moment Warren paused. Maybe she had noticed his lip quiver or just how tired he looked, but for a second she _saw_ him. 

It faded just as quickly. 

“What are you?” She asked. Even that question he was unable to answer. “Cause you’re not the boy I once knew.” 

_Please, Warren, I’m in here, I’m just stuck_ he wanted to scream the words but these thoughts were already tugging him towards the cellar and a loop of trauma. He had to reject them, any hope, or else he would drown. 

“I can smell the difference in your blood,” Warren snarled. She almost seemed to hate him. “I can see the Murphy in your eyes. What’d you do? Run home and tell your savior I’m coming?” 

_Yes, but I didn’t want to. Please know that I didn’t want to._

“He already knew,” were the only words allowed past the filter on his mouth. 

“Oh?” Warren sat back. “Did he send you to kill me?” 

_Yes, well, no. I’m not sure, but I know he wanted you to think I was. Whatever that means._ Thomas would do anything to be able to speak to her. 

When Thomas didn’t respond, merely looked away from her cold, judging eyes, she yanked him to his feet by his jacket and slammed him into the metal behind them. Thomas had seen Warren’s ferocity before, but never directed at him. 

“Did he send you to kill me?!” Warren was shouting in his face. Her interrogation tactics were far gentler than Murphy’s, but Warren treating him like this, like he wasn’t _him_ , was far more painful. 

“Warren!” Sun Mei was on her feet, looking worried. 

“What?” She snapped. Sun Mei glanced between the pair of them as it was obvious. “I’m just trying to knock a little humanity into him.” There was such loathing in her eyes. How could Thomas blame her? He was no better than Cassandra. 

“Ask him where the lab is,” Sun Mei said, trying to pull Warren’s attention back. “He may know about Dr. Merch’s work. The boosters, the vaccines-” 

Warren raised her hand to silence Sun Mei. Her focus returned to the boy she had slammed against the railings, yanking at fistfuls of his shirt. “Do you want to talk to the doctor?” Thomas glanced between them. What difference would it make? “No?” She repeated it to Sun Mei, “no. This is for your own good.” 

Thomas knew enough about those kind of words that what came next was not going to be pleasant. Still, he hadn’t expected Warren to _hit_ him. The surprise was what sent him reeling far more than the punch. He’d been kicked around plenty as of late, but never by someone he trusted implicitly. 

“Look at me,” Warren forced him to refocus. Thomas was terrified to find something almost Murphy-esque in her new form of leadership. Thomas was growing frantic, trying to avoid her gaze. “Look at me!” She threw him to the ground, pinning him against the concrete. The men from the red hand merely sat back and watched the show. “Nobody’s here to help you except me.” She spoke the words so sharply, bent close to his face, one knee pressing into his chest, pinning him back. 

Every act sent Thomas’s heart racing even more. Thomas was _afraid_ of Warren. She was pulling back her arm to hit him again, Sun Mei watching anxiously over her shoulder, but then she stopped. She had found the note Murphy had given him from his pocket. She took it. 

“What’s this?” She read it, staring at it as if all of her suspicions had been confirmed. Thomas knew her having the note wouldn’t help anything, he just wanted her to stop, to know he was being compliant. She shoved the note into Sun Mei’s hands. “I wanna hear it.” 

Sun Mei spoke, voice shaking. “Find Warren. Bring her to me. If she won’t come, kill her.” 

Warren’s cold eyes bore into his. Thomas knew by now things had changed enough that he would not find mercy with her. “Well then,” but she didn’t hit him, besides an almost fond pat on the cheek. “Why’d you let me beat your ass, when all you had to do was give me the note?” 

Still, she held onto him by the collar of his shirt, “I don’t want to hurt you, but you’re not leaving me any choice.” Thomas wondered if she could see how hard he was trying to speak to her. To tell her he understood, that they should just kill him now before Murphy showed up. 

Warren seemed to be thinking fast. She turned to the doctor. “Give him a booster shot of the original vaccine.” 

“That’s a bad idea,” Sun Mei warned, seeming desperate to convince her. “He’s been pumped full of so many different vaccines, his immune system could crash or go into overdrive.” 

“I need to see what side he’s on!” Warren shouted at her. She had lost so much and it had turned her cold, but there was something almost like hope. Warren had an inkling that just maybe 10k was still in there. 

“Let me examine his blood,” Sun Mei was still pleading. “I need a baseline. He’s been bitten, injected by Dr. Merch-” 

“I’ll do it myself,” Warren finally got off of him, going for a bag. Thomas didn’t even have a moment to think before with the pinching pain of a needle and his body began to seize. The world around him began to blur, voices -including Murphy’s now- echoed around him. 

His eyes fluttered open on Warren and Murphy talking. At least Warren wasn’t dead yet. 

Murphy now stood over him, grabbing his hand and yanking him to his feet. He held onto Thomas’s jaw, turning to stare at the bruise now forming there. 

“Beating up on the kid, Warren? Really?” Murphy scolded like he was any better. “Your new friends really are rubbing off on you.” Murphy’s arm crept around Thomas’s shoulder, guiding him away from the dam. 

“Where are you taking him?” Warren reached out to stop them and for once Thomas could see that Warren still cared about him. She actually looked afraid for him. If only he could afford to take consolation in the fact. 

“Back where he belongs. To the future,” Murphy said coldly, pushing past. Thomas kept his head down, eyes focused on the concrete. “A future without fear.” 

What a joke. 

“You’ll never get rid of all the zombies,” Warren said. She almost seemed to be trying to convince Murphy of something. 

“No,” Murphy mused. “But I might get rid of all the humans.” 

“Come on, kid,” Murphy continued to drag him away, Thomas sending a pleading glance over his shoulder to Warren, a final cry for help. _Please, help me. You have to get me away from him._ Murphy forced Thomas to look at him. “Hey, you did good reaching out to me.” His doting act was just another way to gloat over Warren. “Come on. We’ve got work to do.” 

As they headed for the truck the blends had brought, Murphy held onto Thomas by the back of his neck, “she hit you?” He asked. 

Thomas didn’t bother responding. 

Murphy actually seemed angry. “What gives her the right?” He wasn’t moral. He was territorial. “I have a _reason_ for hitting you. She doesn’t.” 

Their return to the museum of progress brought ill omens. A body hung from the clocktower. A banner proclaiming the words BE AFRAID 

Murphy was getting nervous. He jumped right to armaments, building up a defense against what Thomas hoped would be a rescue mission. Murphy left his side, seeming preoccupied, and headed into the building. Likely off to the lab. 

Thomas would have felt relieved, but it was looking more and more likely that he was going to be collateral in this war. Not to mention, since Warren had injected him, his mind hadn’t cleared exactly, just grown foggy in a different way. He felt out of it. Weak. 

Not even twenty minutes later, he was called back to Murphy’s side with a collection of other blends. Thomas then noticed that the power was not working. A sign of what was to come. Murphy stood by the windows of his office, preaching like the narcissist he was. Worse, Murphy seemed to believe every word he said. About protecting what they’d built and living free of fear. The blends slowly filtered out to their posts, leaving Thomas and an engineer. Thomas had struggled to pay attention to Murphy’s mantra, the world around him fading in and out as somehow he thought of rescue without being sent into a spiral of torture. He was somewhere between controlled and awake. It left him reeling. 

“Thomas, escort Auerbach to the power station,” Murphy ordered. Thomas was just grateful to be posted away from all of this. “Are you up for this, Thomas?” Murphy seemed to notice his good little soldier wavering. 

Thomas didn’t answer immediately as his mind tried to catch up and process what Murphy had said to him. “Yes, Murphy.” 

“Good,” there was still something cold and calculating in the way Murphy looked at him. It caused some part of Thomas’s mind to flinch back. 

Murphy finally looked away and Thomas felt his shoulders relax. He and the engineer, Auerbach, were dismissed. 

They made it as far as the bridge before shots were fired against them. They ducked behind the concrete of the railing. Damnit. Warren had taken his sniper. All he had was a handgun. Still, he fired back. They were pinned, but Thomas’s shots buyed them enough time for Thomas to drag the engineer with him behind a pillar closer to the dam’s work room. 

“Stay down,” Thomas told him. The man may be a blend, but he had been human once. He was still a living thing and Thomas was not about to let him die on his watch. 

“We should talk to them,” Auerbach offered. Had the man just now joined the apocalypse? Thomas looked at him like he was crazy. “If they knew this is what Murphy wants-” 

“I don’t think they care what Murphy wants,” Thomas snapped. More bullets embedded in the pillar between them in the enemy. 

The man cowered behind Thomas’s shoulder, holding onto his sleeve. Thomas pulled away and fired back at the man across the way. 

“Something’s clogging the water intake,” Auerbach told him like it meant anything. “The turbines could be permanently damaged if I don’t get in there and turn them off-line,” it was like he was pleading with Thomas to kill them faster. 

He rolled his eyes and when he refocused his eyes locked on four Zs ambling across the bridge towards them. Thomas was suddenly reminded of the needle stabbing into his leg. Immunity might not save him. Still, the more pressing issue was the men with guns. 

And the engineer currently making a run for it. 

“Hey!” Thomas called after him. “Get back here!” 

The idiot was walking towards their adversaries with his hands in the air. “I think there’s been some kind of misunderstanding!” He shouted. 

“Auerbach!” Thomas tried to get him to come back. It was a miracle he wasn’t full of bullets right now. 

“Mr. Murphy tasked me with the maintenance and the operation of this power station,” Auerbach said like it would mean anything to them. 

Thomas saw several guns raised and lined up a shot as if that could save Auerbach now. 

“I’m the one who restored the electricity!” Auerbach must want to die. No engineer could be that stupid. 

He didn’t get another word in. Thomas heard a shot and the man stumbled back, hand clutching his chest. His _chest_. This sick bastard didn’t even have the common courtesy to mercy him with a head shot. 

The second shooter did. Auerbach finally hit the ground, a bullet right between the eyes. Preventing that Z did nothing to deter the Zs shuffling ever closer from the bridge. And Thomas was still pinned from the gun fire. 

He had to act fast. When one of the two shooters leaned forward to take another shot, Thomas fired off two rounds, one lodging in the man’s head. In doing so, he exposed himself long enough to take a bullet to the shoulder. He ducked back, clutching his arm. Those Zs were really close now. He went to turn around the pillar, make a run for the wall as shelter. 

The moment he rounded the corner a Z was on him, pressing into his chest with numb, clawing hands, filthy teeth lunging forward, Thomas barely managing to hold it off with an arm pressed into its throat. He was distracted by figures coming from the same direction. Running steadily, not Zs. He must be hallucinating again. He was about to die so of course he saw her. 

Thomas shoved the Z off of him, only for it to pin him against the pillar again, the Zs from the bridge not far behind. He was utterly helpless, both of his arms, one wounded, fighting to hold off two Zs and unable to reach for a weapon. He was going to die here. Finally away from Murphy and instead overrun by zombies. How could he have expected to die any other way? 

The Z’s head on his left suddenly exploded from a club smashing down on its skull, the other collapsing as something pierced the side of its head. 

Red grabbed onto his sleeve, dragging him towards where she and 5k had come, running. Thomas must have really lost it. He was seeing both of them. He was _feeling_ Red holding onto his sleeve. How could a hallucination save him from Zs? 

“You’re bleeding,” Red said. 

“Are you really here?” Was all Thomas could think to say. 

Red didn’t bother to answer and instead kept dragging him forward, the Zs still taking the chase. 

5k ran alongside them, cawing. He’d never get used to that kid. 

They kept running, Thomas knowing that blood was dripping down his left arm and from a cut across his forehead. Finally, after they had left the bridge and were running alongside the river, they slowed. 

“We can stop, we lost the Zs,” Red said breathlessly. 

Thomas stared at her. She was filthy and haggard just like anyone else in the apocalypse. Still beautiful. “You look good for a hallucination.” 

“ _What_ are you talking about?” Red said exasperatedly. 

_Thomas_. He could not fight back against Murphy’s control. The vaccine moved sluggishly, struggling to remove Murphy from his head. 

“Murphy. I have to go,” Thomas looked ahead for the belltower of the museum of progress. 

“Where are you going?!” Red called after him. 

Thomas heard gunfire. A lot of gunfire. Outside the gate Zs were tearing into the Red Hand. Guess Thomas missed all the fun then. He avoided the swarm and went through the hole in the fence, Red and 5k’s hallucinations not far behind. 

_Protect my lab. Protect my vaccine._ Were his new orders. 

The halls were deserted. Those that couldn’t fight cowered in the rooms, doors shut tight. He climbed the stairs unopposed. Someone was in the lab. Sun Mei was frantically going through notes, collecting supplies and vials. 

Thomas raised his gun. His finger on the trigger. There was nothing he could do to stop himself. “What are you doing?” He asked her. 

She whirled around and instead of fear she looked at him with pity. 

“10k, I can help you,” she spoke so softly. 

10k. She had called him 10k. 

“I can help all of these people,” she waved to the window and the chaos outside. People becoming martyrs for a man who didn’t care if they lived or died. 

“They don’t need help. They need Murphy,” Thomas was trapped in a strange state between those words being forced from his mouth and almost believing them. 

Sun Mei took a deep breath before continuing to talk him down. “The booster shot Warren gave you wasn’t a full dose, but I think it’s working.” 

Thomas tensed, hand shaking on the trigger. He lowered the gun. “My head is so foggy,” he sighed. 

“I’m so close, 10k,” Sun Mei told him. “But I need Dr. Merch’s research,” she was begging him to save his own life. To save so many others. “I need to test the blend vaccine. Will you help me?” 

“10k?” Red and 5k came into the room. Thomas shook himself. He couldn’t think straight. He couldn’t focus. “Are you alright?” 

5k clung to his side, hugging him tightly. It hurt. Thomas had gotten the kid killed. He didn’t move, wishing the boy and his dead girlfriend would just disappear. 

Sun Mei glanced around the room, “who are they?” 

“Don’t worry, they’re not real,” Thomas’s line of logic did not sounded flawed to him in his half-drugged delirium. 

“What are you talking about?” Fake Red sounded so worried for him. 

Sun Mei glanced from 5k to Red looking equally perturbed. “What _are_ you talking about?” 

Thomas explained -again, his rationale did not seem strange to him. “Whenever I’m in a bad spot, a vision of you comes and tries to save me,” he said dismissively, hoping it would make them go away. 

“Really?” Red seemed to grow softer at his words. 

“That’s sweet, but we really don’t have time for this,” Sun Mei said, seeming impatient. “I need your help.” 

“I can’t help you,” Thomas told her gloomily. He was useless, despite how much he wanted to get rid of Murphy. “Murphy wouldn’t want you to have any of this.” 

“I need your help,” Sun Mei said just as certainly, her hand hovered over the gun on her belt. He had to commend her. She wasn’t going to give up her mission for the sake of a delusional boy. 

“I _can’t_.” He meant it quite literally. Even if he physically tried he’d just be dragged into far darker hallucinations than 5k and red. 

5k seemed confused by his behavior. Although, he was never sure as he didn’t speak feral child. 

“10k,” Red tugged on his sleeve. “Let her help you.” 

“I’d like to, but you’re just a dream,” Thomas came across harsh. It wasn’t like it mattered. Entertaining these delusions was almost as painful as being trapped in Murphy’s reality. 

“I’m not a dream,” Red said. As if that wasn’t exactly what a hallucination would say. She dropped her club. “I’m real. I’ll prove it to you.” She spoke in that gentle, teasing way they had always shared. 

And then her arms were around him and her lips were pressed into his and Thomas melted into her touch. To be held by someone he loved. To not be made afraid by it. 

Something inside Thomas broke. And Murphy’s power was utterly drowned in profound shock and eventual relief. This had to be real. And if it wasn’t, he would die defending this illusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is longgg. A lot is happening now. Big stuff. Hopefully it'll be good for our boy 10k, right? ;)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there's a lot of overlap of the show right now, but it's very important for 10k's development as a character, you know? Thanks for being willing to reread old dialogue/scenes and such. Near the end of the season finale, which should be the next chapter, is where it will diverge off to... fit this story a bit better. ;)

“You are real,” 10k couldn’t see the dopey grin on his face.

“I told you,” Red teased, pushing against his chest lightly. She stared into his eyes yearningly. As if trying to make up for so much time away from them. “Is that really you in there?” She said softly. 

10k sought out the leash binding him to Murphy. Looked for the pain which came from his memories. It wasn’t gone, exactly, but it didn’t have him captive anymore. “Yeah, it’s really me.” 

He turned to 5k, feeling guilty for having behaved so coldly before. “Hey kid,” he held him tightly. 

Suddenly he remembered that Sun Mei was in the room with them. She looked impatient. Which was fair considering the dire circumstances. 

“The safe. Murphy keeps all the blend vaccines and his tests in the safe,” he told her. 

Sun Mei followed his instructions, staring at the keypad uncertainly. 

“Try password,” he told her. There was no need for actual security when everyone in the building was controlled by him. And Murphy was an idiot. 

“Murphy’s password is password?” Sun Mei asked dryly. 

10k shrugged. “It’s Murphy.” 

Sun Mei started gathering bags of the man’s blood. 

“Put that down!” Wesson shouted from the doorway, gun raised and followed by a blend with a sniper. Was it bad that 10k’s first thought was he wanted that gun? “Or I will mercy you where you stand.” 

No gun was fired but everyone in the room froze. A sound they hadn’t heard in years had brought time to a halt. A plane engine. It was jarring enough that no matter what side you were on you were heading outside. The great equalizer. The sound of civilization in the apocalypse. 

Everyone, moving as if the sound of the plane was a light in the darkness. A desperate omen even though none of them knew what it meant. On the green a small, two passenger plane, was tangled in brush from clipping a tree. Out of it came a disoriented and scrawny looking man in a winter parka. 

10k had only seen him in grainy video calls. Citizen Z. 

“Citizen Z,” Murphy greeted him pompously. “When I said don’t call here, it was not your cue to jump in a plane.” 

“Mr. Murphy,” Citizen Z said a little dryly. 10k hadn’t expected such confidence from the man. He looked past him, his eyes warming. “Warren.” His eyes continued to scan the ramshackle group, “10k.” He gave him a little wave and 10k responded with a nod. 

“Wow, this is so weird,” Citizen Z said. That was an understatement. General nods of agreement from the group. “Looks like I came at a bad time, but I have a message for Warren.” 

“For Warren?” Murphy asked, seeming offended. 

“Yeah, doc said you went rogue, so sorry about that,” Citizen Z did not seem all that apologetic. 

Warren yanked herself free of William, who had been holding her arm back. 

She approached the man slowly at first, since him being there still seemed surreal. 

“Hi,” he said softly. 

“Hi,” Warren reached forward and hugged him. “Where’s Doc? Is he still alive? Addy?” 

10k perked up, desperate for news. 

“I don’t know.” 

Red squeezed his hand, keeping him steady as worry threatened to take over. 

“But he told me that Lucy’s been kidnapped.” 

Murphy seemed to flinch, “kidnapped?” 

Oh, so now he had some semblance of humanity? Yet from what 10k knew and from the tether still binding their minds, he meant it. Lucy brought him back to the man he once was. Which wasn’t exactly great, but it was human. 

That is, until he shoved Warren, “by Doc and Addy?” He said harshly. 

“No, by somebody called The Man,” CZ intruded. 

“The Man?” Murphy repeated. Warren turned, seeming tense. 

He and Red also knew that name. He was what caused the chaos at her old home. 

Now Murphy moved against citizen Z, shoving him back against the plane, “where is he?!” 

CZ only knew where they were headed. Murphy pulled Warren aside, they began talking in hushed tones. 10k pulled red over to citizen Z. 

“So, you’re still alive, are you?” He said with a crooked grin. 

“Looks like you are too. That’s nice,” CZ reached out and shook his hand. “You fell off my radar for a while. Had me worried.” 

The grin fell from his lips. 10k didn’t have a healthy response to that, so he pushed on. “This is Red. My… an old friend.” 

“I’ve heard a few of your broadcasts. Didn’t think you were the type to touch down in the apocalypse,” Red gave him an approving nod. 

“Well, I had a message to deliver,” CZ shrugged sheepishly. “This is Kaeske. His niece saved my life a while back,” CZ said, and from his tone he sounded especially fond of that niece. “ _And_ he flew me out here.” 

The older man shook hands with both of them. 

“Oh, yeah, and this is 5k,” Red referred to the boy wrapped around her waist. His response was a caw. 

Neither men seemed to know how to respond to that. Red offered no explanation, finding their bewilderment amusing. 10k did nothing to correct her. 

“God, I’m burning up,” CZ took off his parka. “It’s been way too long since I’ve seen grass, you don’t even know.” 

“Hey, huddle up,” Warren called the group. “CZ, you gonna confirm coordinates?” 

“Yeah, just gotta get in touch with my girl Kaya back home,” Citizen Z said, bouncing back on his heels. “You know where the nearest camera is?” 

“Downtown’s your best bet,” Warren interrupted Murphy who had been about to speak. He looked affronted. She gave him a look. She was in charge here. 

“Copy that,” Citizen Z headed out. 

“We should go back. Gear up,” Warren said. 

“If there’s any gear left after your warboys tore apart my town,” Murphy muttered resentfully. 

The unusual group made their way back towards Murphytown, which was no longer a war zone and instead a bloodbath. The remaining Red Hand had no fight left in them. Evidently having been indoctrinated into Murphy’s army. They were outnumbered. Warren had tamed Murphy for now but when they returned it would still be the blends with the power. 

“Hey, you okay?” Red pulled him out of a downward spiral of dark thinking. 

“Yeah, yeah I’m good,” 10k lied. It wasn’t just the mindset, he was growing physically ill. He felt dizzy and couldn’t focus. 

“You’re riding with me, buster,” Red teased, cupping his cheek tenderly. “Try and relax on the drive.” 

10k hugged her tightly. As if to protect her from the whirlwind around them. She wasn’t the fragile one. He was. 

5k squirmed between them, evidently wanting to be included. Red ruffled his hair. “You’re always looking for trouble, aren’t you?” 

5k wasn’t the only one. 

After some times spent gathering supplies, the three of them piled in a jeep, armored haphazardly by sheets of scrap metal screwed on. 10k took the driver’s side. 10k was relieved that Murphy wasn’t riding with them. It was just him, Red, and 5k. It gave him a moment of peace. He could just focus on the road and follow Warren. Warren could deal with Murphy as a passenger. 

Puget Sound. They were headed west. To the coast. It would be at least a five hour drive. Five hours of more calm than he’d had in the past weeks. He watched the demolished world pass by. The country roads were the only route nowadays since the highways were still clogged with the cars of those who tried to run and had died sitting ducks. 

The car made him nauseous. His fogged mind struggled to deal with the motion and the sunlight outside. The bullet wound in his shoulder had stopped bleeding, but it burned and forced his muscles to tense. Red held onto his hand, their fingers intertwined. It was enough grounding that he could settle. 

Warren waved from the window, signaling them to pull over. 

“We gotta check in with Kaya,” Warren told them. 

They took a moment to stretch their legs. 10k eventually settled on leaning against the jeep while Warren worked on the truck. 5k crawled onto the hood of the car and Red stayed beside him. 10k’s hand went to his shoulder absentmindedly. The bullet wound still twinged painfully, but the bleeding had stopped and he saw no reason to hold up the group on the mere basis of his physical discomfort. He’d put up with plenty of that as of late. 

“Hey, how you holding up?” Red checked on him again, evidently noting the pain he was in. 

“I’m tired. That’s all,” he told her. That was true. He was just so tired. He had no idea how dark the bags around his eyes had grown and how corpse-like he looked. 

Murphy had remained sitting in the truck. 5k stared after him warily. It was like the kid could smell the tension between them. Murphy got out, seeming to notice three pairs of judging eyes watching him. He ignored them and the three grown ups crowded around the truck, listening to their contact. Murphy seemed stressed. The discussion growing more tense. Red left his side, walking towards the truck, half considering seeing what was going on. 

“Alright everybody, let’s go!” Warren called back after a few minutes. 

“When we get back on the road, I think I should drive and you should rest,” Red returned. 

“I got it,” 10k shook his head. It wasn’t some bullshit display of masculinity or toughness, but it was a fear of admitting defeat. 

5k glanced at the pair skeptically. 

“Wheels up!” Warren refocused them on the task at hand. They hit the road, 10k held onto the steering wheel a bit too tightly and his eyes struggled to remain focused on the truck in front of him. 

10k was slipping. And fast. It was hardly a half hour later when 10k was now struggling to focus. His head was pounding. It was almost like a panic attack. He was drawn towards dark memories as hysteria and those thoughts went hand in hand. When did it get so hard to breathe? He gasped, feeling a strange, stabbing pain in his ribs. 

“10k?” Red checked on him. 

“H-Hurts. My chest… feels sharp,” he stammered through labored breathing. 

10k didn’t remember collapsing or Red lunging forward to take the steering wheel. 

He only vaguely came to lying in the back seat with Sun Mei holding him steady. Every inhale was a desperate struggle and god it _hurt_. He was burning up, could hear his heart racing and blood pounding. 

The words blurred around him, but when Sun Mei and Red tore away his sleeve, he definitely heard _infected_ and that in the apocalypse may as well be announcing the time of death. 

All they could do was wrap the wound in a towel, as antibiotics were the kind of precious material they couldn’t afford to carry around. Sun Mei continued to check over him, pressing an ear to his chest, listening for rattling in his lungs to explain why it was so hard to breathe. 

“We got to keep moving, how is he?” Warren’s voice swam over him. 

He wasn’t coherent enough to see that Sun Mei merely shook her head. 

Warren immediately rationalized. Dishing out orders and focusing on the task. “Alright, Red, you drive. Sun Mei, you stay with him. Hopefully he’ll be strong enough to fight once we land.” 

The goal at this point was to survive until they got there. 

“Hang in there, 10k. Let’s go,” Warren moved out. 

10k winced as the car started moving, the motion only adding to the pain in his arm and the pounding headache. Sun Mei held his head steady in her lap. He hardly knew the woman, but took comfort in it as he seemingly approached his deathbed. 

“Keep breathing, 10k. You can do it,” Sun Mei urged him. To deal with the fever Sun Mei wished she could soak a rag in water to cool him, but that wasn’t the kind of resource to waste on the road. 

10k faded in and out of consciousness. To the point that it felt like they were stopping on a dirt road far sooner than natural. 

“Sun Mei, come on,” Warren called to her. 

“I don’t know if I should leave him,” Sun Mei said. 

“I’m sorry, but I need all the guns I can get. They’ll catch up once we clear the air.” Warren said. “5k can keep an eye on him.” 

That was a petty consolation. 

Minutes later, they heard gunshots. 10k forced himself to stand, 5k circling him and pestering anxiously. The tiny boy took 10k’s arm, as if to help him stand. Murphy, the coward, had stayed back as well. 10k avoided him at all costs and the man in turn seemed unable to care about his existence. 

Ahead were bodies. Clad in black military gear. And beyond that a sheer cliff face. Nothing indicating a rendezvous point. None of that mattered much to 10k, what did was the figure of a scraggly old man in a hippyish vest. Red came to his other side, supporting his weak body. Her arm wrapped around his waist. 

10k wanted to reach out to Doc, to tell him how much he missed him, how glad he was that the old man was alive. Still, all of his energy had to remain focused on standing. The pounding headache and waves of nausea made him fear if he spoke he’d either throw up or pass out. Warren dished out orders for approaching the dark tunnel leading into the mountain, telling Red to stay with him. 

Warren, Murphy, and Sun Mei marched ahead, Doc remaining with them. 

The group followed at a slower pace, trying support 10k, through long dark concrete hallways. He couldn’t help but feel ashamed at becoming such a burden. Warren and Sun Mei, weapons raised, guarding the front. Murphy, as always, not offering any help should a fire fight occur. 

“Hey, hey kid,” Doc said gently, coming up beside him and Red. “How you holding up?” 

“Still kicking, doc,” 10k managed to say. 

“Try and keep it that way, alright?” Doc replied. “I missed you, kid.” 

“Missed you too.” 

“Hey, Doc,” Warren nodded for the man to join them and scout ahead. 

The group moved around each corner carefully, 10k and Red taking up the end with 5k watching their backs. 10k hated feeling this useless. Especially when, with more wheezing gasps for air, his heart unsteady, he collapsed to the ground, Red unable to take on all of his weight. 

Sun Mei knelt down, feeling for his pulse, “he’s dying.” Well, there’s no way to sugar coat it. 

Murphy joined them. “I saved him once, I can do it again.” 

10k’s words sapped even more of his strength, but he had to stammer out a desperate “ _n-no_.” _God_ no. Better someone put a bullet in his skull. Murphy just standing this close to him caused some primal fear to take over. 

“There’s no alternative,” Murphy told Sun Mei. 

10k would have gladly continued to protest, but he was far more focused on gasping for air. 

Warren and Doc returned from scouting, Doc said there was a spot at the top of a lookout tower. “It might be a good place to stash 10k,” was how he phrased it. Great way to make 10k feel like less of a burden. 

“Can we move him?” Warren asked. 

“It’s a risk. His pulse is erratic,” Sun Mei warned. It sure as hell was. 10k’s heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest, and he almost hoped it would. Maybe the space left by it would give him room to fucking breathe. 

“I can feel him slipping,” Murphy said. 10k hated that he was going to die still tied to the monster who had tortured him. 

“Shit,” Warren muttered. “Nobody’s biting anybody, alright?” Thank god Warren was still there to defend him. Warren reached out, placing a hand on his knee comfortingly. “We’re gonna get you somewhere safe, keep you hidden,” she soothed. Still, she had a job to do. “Lucy’s our priority. We’ll deal with you when we come back. Stay with us.” It was an order from the leader he actually believed in. He nodded. 

“Alright, Doc, you lead. Everybody follow Doc,” Warren said and then they were moving again. Sun Mei and Red supporting his even weaker body. Even this motion caused pain in his chest and a strange feeling in his veins. 

His vision blurred and was marred by flashes of white. Oddly enough, out of anything, his ears felt particularly hot from the fever. They rushed to lay him down on the raised part of the tower, cool, salty air tearing into the room through the lookout holes. 

Red cradled his head as his body seized once again, finally, truly unable to breathe. 

“You think you can help him?” Warren ask Sun. 

Sun Mei thought for a moment. “Best guess? After analyzing Murphy’s file, we have to kill 10k in order to save him,” she spoke grimly. 

Had 10k heard her right? Or was he losing it from the oxygen deprivation? 

They continued to debate his fate, but 10k struggled to keep up with their words. He finally inhaled again, just enough that he stayed conscious. Even though that hurt more. 

10k barely refocused to see Warren slap Murphy across the face. Ah. Maybe he was already dead and this was heaven. 

“Somebody needs to kill 10k,” Sun Mei said again. Okay so he hadn’t imagined that part. 

“I’ll do it,” both Warren and Murphy said. 10k didn’t need to make it clear which one he’d prefer. 

“I’ll do it,” Warren said sharply. Murphy backed down. 

Sun Mei continued to speak, explaining the science behind his apparent murder. It was like 10k’s ears were full of water. He was more aware of Warren tenderly petting his hair. 10k flinched as Murphy held onto his arm. Red held his other hand. 

And Warren? Warren had taken off his bandana and was wrapping it around his throat. Panic was quick to set in. 

Warren spoke so softly to him. “I do this for you, baby boy. You come back to us, okay?” 

And then 10k’s desperate struggles for air were stopped. He was too panicked to see Warren was crying or Red was clutching his hand like a lifeline. Then. He didn’t see -or feel- anything. 

And then he was back. The world was harsh and painful but he had no intentions of leaving it any time soon. He took a deep gasping breath and shot up, yanking onto Murphy’s collar with a vengeance. 

His voice came out hoarse and haggard, “you… are not… my savior,” he spoke harshly. 

Murphy actually looked _afraid_ of him, “thank god for that,” he pulled away. 

Then Red was holding him, touching his face and running her hands through his hair as if she couldn’t believe he was there. “You’re alive,” she was bordering on hysterical laughter she looked so relieved. 

“I am?” 10k said it like it was a question. And then Red threw her arms around him, holding a little too tight, but 10k was too grateful to care. 

Because Murphy was gone. He was _gone_. 10k could find no trace of him left in his head besides the memories. He was freed completely from that terrible leash binding him to the man who hurt him. He belonged to himself. Finally, he was 10k and that didn’t hurt.


	19. Chapter 19

“Stay with him until he recovers,” Warren told Red. Warren turned to 10k. She didn’t say a word and instead pressed a kiss into his forehead and gave him a look reminding him of his job in this. He was to stay alive.

Warren and the others left. Heading for danger and ideally Lucy. Sun Mei knelt down beside him. 

“How are you feeling? Breathing okay? Any dizziness?” She asked. 

She reached up and checked his pulse, which had steadied considerably. 

“I’m okay. My head’s a lot clearer than it’s been in a while,” he told her. 

10k was disappointed to find Doc had followed Warren and Murphy up to the roof. It made sense. He was too wounded to fight and Sun Mei needed to check him over. Doc was the only other available soldier in Warren’s arsenal. 

It didn’t take long for them to hear shots fired above them. 10k got to his feet. 

“Hey, hey slow down there,” Sun Mei tried to get him back down. 

“No,” 10k shook his head. “They need our help…” He stumbled forward, clinging to the railing in front of him. He was not at all ready to fight. He didn’t care. 

“10k, slow down,” Red helped him stand. 

“I’m going. You… you guys can’t stop me,” he said. Despite the fact that they definitely could. 

“We’re coming. But let us help you,” Sun Mei took his other arm around her shoulder. 

10k and company moved slowly to the narrow stone steps. 5k walked ahead, slingshot in hand. 

Another shot went off and Red reached out to hold 5k back from the door. 10k’s mind wandered. First, he could see a bullet taking Murphy down. A joyful thought. Before his anxieties took over. What if he won? What if it was Warren on the ground with a bullet in her gut? 

Yet when they reached the roof, it was not Murphy nor Warren on the ground. It was The Man. Blood pooling on the concrete from the hole in his head, the gun in Warren’s hand. 

“What happened?” Sun Mei asked. They took in the group around them. Doc was okay. Looked like he’d taken a blow to the face, but wasn’t seriously hurt. 10k was disappointed to find Murphy was unharmed and was instead holding onto a little girl probably just a little older than 5k. Well, it had to be Lucy considering the context, but she was about twelve years off where she should be. More surprising yet, Addy was laying by the cliff, face bruised, looking exhausted. 

“The Man, he was calling for Zona. They didn’t respond. It looks like his transport caught some trouble,” Warren put away her sidearm and went to help Addy to her feet. “Or they abandoned him.” 

“The guy lost it,” Doc grumbled, adjusting his bruised jaw. “He abandoned his mission and was trying to take Lucy. Warren got him, though.” 

“Lucy, you okay, sweetheart?” Addy was leaning on Warren to keep her balance. Murphy shot her a dirty look. 

“I’m okay,” the girl, skin a far softer shade of blue, still clung to her father’s side. The sight made 10k nauseous. 

“She’s fine,” Murphy said coldly. “I’ll look after her now.” 

Addy seemed to grow hostile at this, reaching for a Z-Whacker which was no longer at her side. It only seemed to deter her for a moment as she looked prepared to take on Murphy unarmed. Warren held her back. 

“We got other priorities, girl,” Warren said firmly. Addy stopped. “Alright, Murphy. We got your girl back. Now we’re gonna fix the mess you made.” 

“Not likely,” Murphy snarled. “I’m taking my daughter home. And you all better stay out of my way. You should know better, Warren. Your warboys are dead. Even you can’t burn my city down.” 

Lucy seemed confused by her father’s hostility. 

“ _You_ should know better, Murphy,” Warren said. “You can’t keep this up. And there are people out there who still need your blood.” 

“What’re you gonna do, Warren?” Murphy left his daughter and got up in Warren’s face. “I could kill you,” he spoke more softly. Perhaps so Lucy wouldn’t hear. “My waning respect for you is the only reason any of you are alive.” 

“Shut up, you goddamn coward!” Addy was ready to throw a punch again. 

“Come on, Lucy,” Murphy reached back and took his daughter’s hand. 

“We outnumber you,” Addy shot back, Doc moved to cover the door. 

Murphy smiled at this. “Right here, yes. But I have an army, _Addison_ ,” he tapped his temple. “You take me now, they’ll be on you a day later.” 

Even Warren didn’t have a retort to that. 

It almost felt like a physical blow when Murphy finally laid his eyes on him. It was the strangest shift. When he looked at Lucy he almost looked like a person, but when it came to 10k there was nothing but cold malevolence. 

“You should come with me now, kid. Before things get worse for you,” Murphy told him. 

Yet finally, Murphy had no hold over him. 10k was protected. “F-Fuck you,” it took some willpower to utter those words without fear of pain or retribution. 

“Watch your mouth in front of my daughter,” Murphy said, his words dangerously sharp. Murphy, still with Lucy by the hand, headed for the stairwell. “We’re taking one of the cars. Don’t follow us unless you plan on joining me.” 

“Murphy,” out of all of them, it was Sun Mei who spoke. It was that surprise which made Murphy pause. Sun Mei seemed to be thinking fast. “Your daughter. She was born just over a year ago, right?” 

Murphy said nothing. But he did stop. A difficult feat to be accomplished by anyone but Warren. 

“Over ten years of growth in one year,” Sun Mei continued. “Do you want your daughter to live to see her twentieth birthday?” 

Murphy seemed to tense. “I made the vaccine. _I_ can protect her.” 

Sun Mei, all calm intelligence, seemed to grow angry at this. “You followed the recipe of a woman you pushed to suicide,” she held nothing back. Even in front of his daughter. “That is a whole lot different than figuring out to stop an anomaly. I am the best chance you have. And if you don’t help us, we won’t help you. Or Lucy.” 

“Well done, Doctor,” Murphy responded with equal coldness. “You just put a target on your back. Come with me now, work for me, and things will be a whole lot easier on you.” 

Sun Mei did not flinch. “I am stronger than you. You know I’m right. And you obviously intend to make me help you if I don’t follow you now. But know that you cannot make me do anything.” 

10k was growing afraid for her. Those words were so similar to his own not so long ago. 

“I’ve spent the apocalypse in the Chinese military. You cannot torture me or threaten me or kill others or even bite me to make me create something that will help your daughter,” Sun Mei spoke with unwavering conviction. “Yes, even mind control. It might make me work for you. Make something. But do you really think you can order me to create something I haven’t discovered yet?” She scoffed. “It’s your choice, Murphy. Your blood, your town, your cult- or your daughter’s life.” 

It was not even a question. 

“We’re going to my lab. My daughter deserves to stay somewhere safe,” Murphy said. 

“Fine,” Sun Mei said. “But know that I only help you if we’re on even ground.” 

Murphy nodded. His agreement seemed to cause him physical pain. When was the last time had had to compromise with someone? It was a strange feeling for 10k, this turn of events. On the one hand, this meant Murphy would still be near him. On the other, it meant all his suffering wouldn’t be for nothing. 

“Come on. Murphy, you’re riding with me, in case you decide to go awol again,” Warren took the lead now that the crisis had been averted. “Doc, Addy, you two keep an eye on Sun Mei.” Warren still didn’t trust Murphy to be near her doctor. 

“Hey, 10k, good to see you walking and talking,” Addy gave him a quick hug before taking over for Sun Mei in carrying him down the many stairs to the ground. 

“You too. You okay?” 10k asked, noting Addy’s many bruises and swollen eye. 

“Great,” Addy told him. “Takes a lot more than a few hits to take me out, 10k.” 

“I know it,” 10k smiled, but even that looked exhausted. It was over, wasn’t it? Warren was in control? Somehow he didn’t feel better. Sun Mei rode with Warren and Murphy, Addy and Doc joining 10k. Red and 5k took the car that Addy and Doc had brought. It was nice to be with them again. 

Doc drove, insisting Addy rest, and 10k leaned on her shoulder in the back seat. 

“Hey,” Addy played with his hair. “Are you okay? Like, really okay?” 

10k was silent for a moment. “I’m alright. It’s just been… a little rough lately.” 

“Murphy give you a hard time?” Addy asked. Her vision of a ‘hard time’ was completely different to 10k’s reality. 

“Yeah,” 10k didn’t elaborate. There were some things he was terrified of talking about. 

“Do you want me to punch him for you?” Addy offered, barely joking. 

10k smiled. “Maybe later.” 

“I’ll second that,” Doc said from the driver’s seat. “I said I was gonna punch his teeth in, and I’d still like to.” 

“Maybe we’ll let 10k hit him first, old man,” Addy teased. 

They grew accustomed to silence. They had lived on the road together. In a world without radio stations or phones. The goal was to rest. While you could. 

So they did. Doc insisted he was good to go the whole five hours. Night fell. Headlights were the only light in a post apocalyptic world. Street lights had become nothing more than pillars in a crumbling world. Light pollution had become a memory until Spokane was close. The blends had fixed the power. 

It was strange to be greeted by a lit up building, even if it was one he feared and despised. 

“Alright, Murphy- I’m guessing you have enough food to go around?” Warren asked. 

“Yes,” Murphy said. “10k can show you to the kitchens.” His arm remained around his daughter. 

Warren nodded to him. 10k, who was feeling far better, entered the building somewhat gloomily. In the kitchens, everyone sort of broke off. Grabbing cans and growing delighted by the working stove. 

Murphy came to the kitchen a few minutes later, after updating his followers. He kept Lucy aside, unwilling to mix with the others. He spoke to Lucy in hushed voices, collecting food for the two of them. 

“Murphy, you’re staying with us,” Warren said warningly when he tried to leave. “I’ll guard you first tonight. Sun, you should sleep nearby. Could you do second watch?” 

Sun Mei nodded. 

“Do you want me to take a watch?” Addy offered. “So you guys can get more than a few hours?” 

“Addy, you need rest more than the rest of us,” Warren said. “You too, 10k,” she added when 10k moved to speak up. 

“I can,” Red offered. 10k felt oddly disappointed. He would’ve liked to be near her tonight. 5k whined his annoyance as well, one hand holding onto the hem of Red’s shirt. 

“Looks like we’re bunking up together, kid,” Doc put his arm around 10k. “Where’ve you been staying?” 

10k struggled with this for a moment. How was he supposed to answer that? That he had either barricaded himself in a closet or been trapped in Murphy’s room? 

“The bunkroom should have a few empty beds. Since Warren decided to kill some of my people,” Murphy said coldly. It had saved 10k from replying. But it had also prevented 10k from revealing the harshness of his conditions here. 

“Come on then, kid,” Doc followed him down the hall to the bunk room. 

The few who awoke at their arrival stared for a moment, their eyes unnerving and oddly hollow, before rolling over and going back to sleep. No need to ask questions when Murphy was still in your head telling you to forget about it. 

“Can you take top bunk, kid? I’m an old man, ladders aren’t worth it for me.” 

10k nodded and 5k scaled the bunk next to him, so he was across from 10k. 

It was nice. Almost. To have doc and 5k so close. To know Warren was watching Murphy and keeping them safe. To have his own bed. It was harder to rest knowing that he was still in that house. That despite finally being freed from Murphy’s control, he was not okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! the season is now over and changed.  
> All that I really had to do was make it so no one came to take the man and Lucy, and that Warren/Murphy didn't get shot, and then everything sort of fell into place. And the events of the next season are totally dependent on Warren and Murphy going to zona. Since Warren is the one who accidentally causes the black rain, if she never goes there, it never happens. And zona still destroys itself since their own vaccine falls apart. And I thought, ok. Murphy needs Lucy to be protected. What better way to control him than to hang that over his head?  
> The question is, what happens now? ;)


	20. Chapter 20

Morning came. 10k actually slept. Sleeping through the night - and through the morning - bordered on a coma in the apocalypse. It was like his body was making up for the past weeks where being knocked unconscious - in varying stages of brutality - was the most rest he got.

“There you are, sleeping beauty!” Doc sat at the dining table, eating something that was being distributed throughout the rest of the camp. 

“Hey, doc,” 10k yawned, sitting down next to him. Doc passed him a bowl. It _looked_ sort of like oatmeal. It probably wasn’t. “Where is everybody?” 

“Red and Warren are catching some shuteye. Sun Mei is working on Murphy,” doc’s face twitched into a smile. “5k is standing guard.” 

“Addy?” 10k asked. 

“Went for a wander. She wanted to keep an eye on Lucy, but Murphy only wants his people near him,” Doc rolled his eyes. 

“She okay?” 

“Which one?” 

“Both.” 

Doc thought for a moment. “Addy is okay. A little bruised and pissed off, but that’s normal. And Lucy is getting spoiled, to be quite honest. She’s got a bunch of half human nannies doting on her.” 

“Of course,” 10k sighed. He didn’t blame Lucy for what her father was, but still. How typical. 

“How about you, kid?” Doc gave him a nudge. “Was starting to think you’d never wake up.” 

“I’m okay,” 10k shrugged. “Not too happy to be back here." 

Doc nodded understandingly. “Well, Sun Mei needs her lab and electricity. And safety is a bonus.” 

“From what?” 10k said a little more harshly than he intended. “The Zs? They’re a lot less dangerous than the blends. We’re surrounded by fifty Murphys.” 

Doc seemed to grow a little uncomfortable at this. “Well, Warren’s got him. And he seems to care about Lucy enough not to screw it up.” 

“I hope so,” 10k said, poking at his food a little gloomily. 

“How about we get out of here? Keep working on your count?” Doc tried to pull him out of his mood. 

10k frowned. Trying to recall where he was. “Five thousand… two hundred and- I think in the teens somewhere.” 10k had to come to terms with the fact that he would never be certain of where he was. He had lost too much time. He would just have to pick a number close and accept it as truth. It was the only way to move on. In more ways than one. “Five thousand two hundred and sixteen.” He said, forcing some certainty into his voice. 

“Let’s make that 5,220,” Doc clapped him on the shoulder and noticed that 10k seemed to wince at this. Still, 10k followed him out of the museum. Outside, blends were working on building more housing, while others were leaving to look for supplies. 

“They’re gonna pick Spokane clean at this rate,” Doc shook his head, 10k checked over his gun like a nervous habit. “You know what they need more than engineers? Farmers.” 

“Hoping to grow a little weed, doc?” 10k asked. Doc laughed, looking at 10k with some unusual sense of pride. 

“Glad to have you joking again, kid.” 

10k didn’t have an answer to that, a strange feeling overtaking him. It was almost nostalgia. For a life he technically had back. So why did he feel so sad? 

“Come on, kid. We should go with them. There’ll be more Zs in town,” Doc moved to climb in the back of the truck of one of the scouting missions. 

10k followed, standing at the front of the truck bed, feeling some ease return to him. He loved watching from this sort of spot. He could survey where they were headed and spot a Z immediately. 5,217. 

“You shouldn’t do that,” a woman called from the passenger seat. 

“Hey, lady. Mind your own business. This kid’s a better shot than you’ll ever be,” Doc shot back, both mellow and protective of 10k at the same time. 

10k felt himself warm to this. If not for the strangers driving, it felt like old times. 

5,218. 

Addy had been at the museum of progress for less than a day was already irritated. She paced the halls, checking in on the projects of the blends to rebuild their society. 10k and Doc had gotten back from a scouting trip about a half hour ago, but she hadn’t thought to join them in whatever trouble they had found now. Warren was talking to the blends, which Addy wasn’t sure what to make of, and seemed to be pitching in her own leadership for their planning while Murphy was occupied with Sun Mei and her needles. 

Addy kept on finding herself wandering the upstairs, past the vibrantly purple room where Lucy was chatting away with all of her new _friends_. The bedroom Murphy had built was meant for the baby she was supposed to be. So the topic of discussion was her new dream tween bedroom. Addy was deeply annoyed with Murphy, but she was sort of glad that topics like that could still exist for a kid. 

She wanted to check on her. On Lucy. An odd, almost territorial fondness had overcome her for the girl. One that Murphy refused to indulge. The moment she tried to enter Murphy’s private chambers, from which Lucy’s room branched off, a hostile woman with dark circles under her eyes would tell her to leave. 

“Addy!” Lucy ran out into the hallway to greet her with a hug. The women shifted uncomfortably behind their ward. 

“Lucy, darling, I think your daddy would prefer if we went straight to the doctor’s office-” 

“I just want to say hi to my aunt Addy,” Lucy shot back. The women seemed unwilling - or unable - to stop her. 

“You going to see Sun Mei?” Addy asked, warmth overcoming her resentment at Lucy’s stubborn ability to get her way. 

“Yeah, she’s going to run some tests,” Lucy crinkled her nose. “Daddy says I have to get my blood drawn. With a _needle_.” 

“It’s important, sweetheart. Sun is going to make sure you stay healthy,” _and a child while you should be_ , she thought privately. Discussing Lucy’s concerning rate of mortality was not a topic suitable for her adopted niece. 

“Well, after can we do something together? Ms. June said we could go into the town and find a bed for me,” Lucy said with those big soft eyes and blonde curls. It was like she was made to be perfectly precious, making everyone who met her eager to protect her. 

“We’ll see,” was all Addy could offer, considering Murphy’s helicopter parent status. 

As Lucy and her following headed towards the lab, Doc came up the stairs to join her. 

“So this is where the formally-blue bastard has been staying,” Doc stared around the main room of Murphy’s wing of the building, because his own bedroom wasn’t enough for that outrageous ego. 

Addy left, going to look at Lucy’s room. Doc instead went to check out Murphy’s. The bed was excessively big and extravagant, even outside of the low apocalypse standards. He had a whole closet of suits and, christ, his own bathroom. With _running water_. 

“God, Murphy, who’d you sell your soul to to get this lucky?” Doc muttered as he eyed the soaps in the shower with more than a little jealousy. 

Doc went to the dresser, if only to continue his resentment towards Murphy. The first drawer housed clean undershirts and pajamas. Everything was _clean_. Doc supposed slave labor made everything easier, even the apocalypse. 

The second drawer was much the same. Socks. Multiple pairs of socks. When was the last time doc had had more than one spare pair of socks? 

Doc moved on, but not before taking some of the socks and shoving them in his bag. The third drawer down was not clothes. Doc let out a laugh. “Murphy, you nasty sonofabitch.” 

There was rope and a gag and handcuffs and a camera. Doc felt bad for whatever blend wound up being Murphy’s girlfriend, but from the way they idolized him, it was probably a dream come true. And who knows, maybe it was Murphy wearing the cuffs, if he was into that. 

Doc was about to close the drawer when he glanced at a stack of photos just underneath all the mess. It was like his body processed what he was seeing before his mind did. His blood ran cold, and yet at the same time doc felt like he was floating, no longer connected to his limbs as his shaking hands reached into the drawer. His first coherent thought was the easiest truth to swallow in all of this: _that was his kid_.


	21. Chapter 21

Addy grew bored of Lucy’s room. Partially due to it consisting entirely of one color. She wandered across the main room to doc. And she knew something was terribly wrong. Doc was on his knees, one hand pressed against his forehead, the other clutching a polaroid which was matched by photos that had been spread across the bed chaotically.

“Doc?” Addy spoke carefully, too distracted at first by doc’s obvious horror to realize what the pictures were. “Are you-” Addy cut herself off and inhaled sharply. “Oh my god- Jesus fucking christ-” 

Because those pictures. Those _fucking_ pictures were of 10k. Him bound and naked and gagged. Addy found herself fixated on the half healed wounds marring his back. Dozens of long, distinct cuts as if something had been trying to claw into him. Those wounds were far easier to look at than to contemplate what all this meant. Why 10k was bound and naked on Murphy’s bed. The blood on the sheets that hadn’t come from the scabs on his back. What must have happened there. 

The one doc had clutched like a vice in his right hand was a closer shot. 10k’s face slick with tears and spit and his eyes, god- if Addy had thought they looked tired before- 10k looked dead. Dead to the world but also horrifically wounded by the sheer humiliation. Beyond the horror the two of them felt, it also felt like a violation. Them seeing these pictures. How graphic they were. It like they were seeing the vile acts themselves. Every torment laid bare in disgusting detail. It allowed the shame radiating off of these photos to infect them. No one should have seen this. It shouldn’t have _happened_. 

“Doc?” Addy spoke again, her voice far hoarser, as if she were swallowing back sobs. 

Doc couldn’t stop torturing himself. Staring at his boy and all his suffering written in blood and filth. It was the strangest feeling consuming him. Horror and guilt and disgust and absolute loathing rolled up with a dozen other pains clinging to his heart. 

“Doc?” 

Finally Addy’s words reached him but he couldn’t bring himself to respond. Rather, all of his energy and almost grief was channeled into that hatred. For the mottled hand holding 10k’s jaw, forcing him to look towards the camera. 

“Doc!” Addy called after him as he left the room. She followed, partly because she didn’t know what to do with herself. 

Doc did. It was like some otherworldly force doc had acquired over the years told him exactly where Murphy was. Addy followed, too shell shocked to keep up with doc’s confident stride. He had no clear train of thought but he was utterly certain of where he was going and what he was going to do based on pure heart and fury. 

Murphy was in the yard. He was talking to Warren. But Doc didn’t see her or anyone else around them he only saw the face of the vile man who had hurt his boy and then all he saw was red. Or perhaps blue would be more appropriate. 

The first blow broke the skin on doc’s knuckles and broke a whole lot more on Murphy’s face. The first blow of many. 

Addy, inspired and finally given a task moved to join him, but Warren grabbed her around the waist and held her back. Warren was unable to even try and stop doc since it took all of her strength to hold back this sobbing, feral woman who was clawing desperately towards Murphy to tear him apart. “Let me go! I’m gonna kill him! I’m gonna _kill_ you!” Addy screamed and snarled, lunging forward even as Doc’s fists continued to break Murphy’s face apart. 

Addy was lethal. She was sharp with her words and her actions, but she was always cool and collected. She knew where her blows and her words would land. Addy was still lethal, but she was decomposed. Crumbled into almost hysteria that even Warren struggled to contain. 

And Doc? The pacifist? Who until a few minutes ago had thought the worst he could do to a living person was ‘knock his teeth in’? Of course then, he hadn’t considered what monstrous things others could do to a living person. Doc was no longer mellow, but he was not hysterical rage like Addy, he was _cold_. Brutally, almost machinelike, in his simple task of breaking Murphy in every way he could. Still, the man was crying. Tears streamed down his face as blood streamed down his fists because _how could he have done that to his kid_? 

Murphy finally got enough control of himself to shove doc off of him, which was no easy task, but even Murphy didn’t have words to respond to the brutality that had torn his cheek open, torn his lip, and probably taken out a few teeth. Murphy stumbled back, still on the ground, barely escaping Doc’s grip on his collar. 

“Doc! Stop!” Warren called to the man. Not because she didn’t trust her friend’s justifications, but simply because they needed Murphy alive. 

“Stay away!” Murphy shouted. Doc was still advancing. Murphy, physically useless, scrambled for some words to save himself. His eyes met the grief and horror pouring out of doc’s and he understood. 

“You find something you didn’t want to see?” Murphy spoke more softly now but doc heard him loud and clear and stopped as if he had been burned. “Because you sure as hell didn’t hear it from the kid.” Murphy looked behind him, the glance only visible through his right eye, as the other was swollen shut. 

Doc tensed, now made aware that 10k was outside, but he couldn’t bring himself to look back. 

“He wouldn’t’ve told you. Too scared,” Murphy kept talking. “Probably knows he deserved it, the fucking murderer-” 

Silence. From all parties, even Addy stopped struggling. Doc had drawn his pistol. Without any hesitance, he held his gun angled right down towards Murphy’s skull. 

Yet after the shock wore off, and no bullet was yet fired, Murphy was far from thrown off. Instead he grew insatiably vicious. 

“Look at you. Sweet old harmless doc,” Murphy said coldly. “Gonna kill humanity’s last hope for the sake of some twisted little bitch with the biggest body count here?” 

Doc was frozen. He _wanted_ to pull that trigger. Or to put the gun down and tear Murphy apart with his bare hands. But Murphy was right. He was all they had. And then doc’s mind wandered back to the little girl upstairs who would look out the window to see her daddy on the ground with a bullet between his eyes. And how was death a punishment after what he did to 10k? 

Murphy continued to spit manipulative words intended to wound when he physically couldn’t. “He deserved to be punished. Hell- the first time he said yes.” Murphy didn’t need to tell him that 10k had said so under his influence. What mattered more was the impact of the words ‘the first time’. The first of many. 

Doc didn’t seem to know what to make of Murphy’s ranting. All he knew was it only caused the disease roiling in his blood to grow and spread. That was the only way he could put it. It was a disease. The blinding anger and sorrow and pity and shame that came with all of this. 

“I fucked the kid- so what?” Murphy didn’t even seem aware of the gun trained on him or the physical pain of his body, only of the venom he could spew about his Thomas and what he had done to him. Murphy let out a gruesome sort of laugh. “You should’ve heard the sounds he made, doc. Kid hardly speaks, but _begging_? He can do that for hours.” 

Doc felt a shudder up his arm as if his own physical body still warred over the trigger. 

“It almost seems more pathetic when he goes quiet. Gives up,” Murphy just kept talking and his audience was held captive by sheer horror. Like the inability to look away from a car crash. “I took his virginity, I made him bleed. And come. Fucked him more than a few times, but so what? He’s a sick fucking murderer.” 

Even Warren was frozen, still holding onto Addy even though she had stopped fighting. 

“He’s real pretty on his knees doc. Just so you know. That paired with the pathetic sounds he makes, how can you not just want to fuck him harder?” Murphy’s smile looked painful with his swelling lip. “Is that why you’re so pissed? You wanted to have a go at him first? Feel free to fuck him too. I won’t mind. He knows how to behave now.” 

Doc was actually about to do it. That was the final straw. It was like Warren could sense the motion towards the trigger, but she had to do something- not because she wanted to, but because she had to. Despite everything, by some cruelty of fate, they still needed Murphy alive. 

“Doc, you have to stop,” Warren forced some strength into her tone. 

Doc actually did, if only to stare at her in shock. Because how could she say that? After what Murphy had just confessed to? 

“You kill him, you kill us all,” Warren said and only now did Doc register the world around him. Dozens of half human beings loyal to the monster at his feet surrounded them. 

“Hey, Thomas- do you want to get a say in all this?” Murphy spoke again and of all the vile words this was what shook 10k out of his haze. 

10k had heard Addy screaming. He had come running and Murphy had been bleeding and doc standing over him and immediately 10k felt something inside of himself die. They knew. 

And if anything proved to 10k that he was a filthy, ruined thing. Something to be ashamed of and disgusted by. It was how doc and Addy were responding. Addy was beside herself and doc- doc wasn’t himself. 

Shame. That was what returned to him after the initial shock. He was just so ashamed of all of it. 

And more of that shame poured from Murphy’s mouth. 10k drifted through it all, unmoving, only standing there holding his gun like that could somehow stabilize him. Until Murphy gladly ripped away the only thing he had left. 

“Hey _Thomas_.” 

Murphy shared his name. A final victory. To take something so sacred and rip away the safety he had built around the name 10k. 10k was safe. It was now and it was family. To give that family _Thomas_? To reveal so much about him without his consent? To share that name was supposed to _mean_ something. It was a far more intimate form of _I love you. I need you._ only between 10k and those he chose. He would have gladly given his name to any of them. Doc, Addy, Warren- they had earned that. But it had been _his_ to give away. 

Still, when 10k finally pulled himself together, although him having done that was arguable, what he said was far from expected and far from what he truly wanted. 

“Please don’t kill him, doc.” 

Doc still hadn’t turned to look at him. Was he that sick? So horrible that doc couldn’t even _look_ at him? 

“Doc- if you kill him, everything that… that happened. It’ll have been for nothing,” 10k’s voice broke on his own words. “I could have killed him. I could have stopped it, but I didn’t because we need him.” Those few precious moments where 10k could control his own body. Where he had a gun and his hands and he had stopped himself. They haunted him because he could’ve _saved_ himself. And he hadn’t. “And if you kill him now, it means I let that happen for nothing. Please, doc. I can’t live with that.” 

Doc had lowered his pistol before 10k was even done talking. 

“There you go, tough guy,” Murphy drawled, looking as if he’d won something. “Listen to your favorite little psychopath. You’re not gonna fix him-” 

All that smug bravado drained from him as Warren’s fist slammed into the side of his head and Murphy went down like he’d been hit by a truck. Unconscious in an instant. 

It did not change anything. The blends merely stared. No one tried to attack them. No one tried to help Murphy. They were left to their own devices and felt no need to interfere. Maybe it was some sense of morality after what they had just witnessed or perhaps without Murphy conscious they were too empty to waver from routine. 

Warren stared down at the pathetic, bloodied man crumpled on the ground and wished she could give into the impulse of stepping on his skull. Kill him like the roach he was underneath her boot. 

Then there was only silence. The three of them, Doc, Addy, Warren. What were they supposed to _do_ now? Of course all three of them desperately wanted to protect him. They wanted to shield 10k from all the human suffering that he had already lived through. But they were frozen. What words were there? What solace could they offer? 

Doc was never one for bravery. He was not one on the front lines and he was never the last stand between survival and failure. That kind of job was for people like Warren. For Addy with her z-whacker and for 10k with his sniper. Yet he had to pull himself together. To muster a courage that Warren and Addy did not understand. Because whatever shock or pain they were feeling was worthless in helping 10k. 

So Doc put away his pistol and wiped the blood off his knuckles - the best he could when it was his knuckles that were bleeding - and headed towards 10k. 10k who was half collapsed against one of the trucks, cradling his sniper and breathing unsteadily. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, please- I’m sorry,” 10k wasn’t completely sure why he was saying it, only that had to. He had to tell them how sorry he was. To see if they could ever forgive him. 

Doc got down on his knees and reached forward, he wasn’t sure if he planned to take 10k’s hands from their iron grip on his gun or to just hold him, but he hesitated. Doc knew he shouldn't have been. But he was disappointed to find that the eyes he was now staring into were the very same from those photographs. Just as haunted. Only now he could really see it. Perhaps disappointed was the wrong word- heartbroken. 10k broke his heart. It had really happened. 

“Hey, kid,” Doc kept his voice soft, but he also forced himself to sound normal. Mellow. What a joke. “Can I hug you? Do you _want_ me to hug you?” 

10k cringed. Not because he didn’t want him to, because god he just wanted Doc to hold him, but because how could Doc want to touch him? After how disgusted they had been? Doc hadn’t been able to _look_ at him and now he was going to make himself hug 10k out of pity? 

“Do _you_ want to?” 10k finally spoke. “After…” He sighed deeply. So much shame. 

“Shit, kid. ‘Course I do,” Doc said. 

10k let his gun fall from his hands, curling further inwards, holding onto his head and grabbing fistfuls of his hair in an attempt to ground himself. Doc took his cue and wrapped his arms around 10k. He pulled him close against his chest and let the kid just collapse against him. 10k seemed to tense and Doc was quick to let go, but instead 10k clung to him, not even crying. Just desperately looking for something to hold onto when all this shame and pain threatened to drag him under.


	22. Chapter 22

Warren had been shocked at first. Unable to process the level of depravity Murphy could reach. She could only act. And she did so, her fist slamming into his head with enough force that he hit the dirt like a pile of bricks.

And there was doc, holding 10k who was shaking violently. And she had no idea what to do with Murphy. Or how much time they had before the blends would act. Warren wasn’t used to struggling to form a plan. 

“Let me at him, Warren,” Addy had said through gritted teeth. “I’m gonna chop his fucking dick off.” 

“We’ve gotta focus on 10k right now, okay?” Warren still held her back. “Was it as bad as he said?” Warren spoke more softly now, words shared just between them. 

Some of the rage faded from Addy’s eyes and was overtaken by a horrific sorrow. She nodded. 

Warren dragged Murphy’s unconscious body by his hair. 

“Where’re you gonna put him? Lock him in his bedroom?” Addy asked. 

“There’s a room,” 10k spoke, and his voice seemed to chill those around him. After all that pain he sounded oddly steady - distant, but steady. “In the basement. You can lock him up down there.” 

None of them had the courage to ask why he knew that. 

“I got him,” Addy grabbed onto Murphy’s arm, yanking on it in a way that would definitely leave the man sore when he woke. “You take care of him,” she said more quietly to Warren, nodding to 10k. 

Warren joined doc in kneeling next to their boy. “Hey, baby,” she brushed her hands through his hair tenderly. 

“He-” 10k, after seeming so steady mere moments before, with Warren touching him so gently, struggled to keep it together. “Murphy-” 

“It’s okay,” she tried to calm him. “You don’t have to.” 

Those words of consolation, her being there at all, and all 10k could think about was Warren cornering Cassandra only a few days after they had all met, so accusing, until Cass started stammering about the horrible things she had been forced to do. _What is it? Murder? Rape?_ And Cassandra had said no. It was something worse. 

10k didn’t know what being forced into cannibalism was like, but maybe he was self centered to think that nothing - _nothing_ \- could be worse than this. 

Warren didn’t press. She didn’t expect a confession out of him, she just brushed her hands through his hair and told him it’s okay. 

God, of course 10k found himself spiraling towards the first time with operation bitemark. 10k had been so alone. He had wandered in a haze without his father. His only goal to add to his count. He avoided humans at every turn until one day he saw a group looking for supplies and an old man about to die with a Z at his throat and he just couldn’t watch anymore. Watch and do nothing. Out of all the humans he had avoided, why had he saved someone? For his count? No. He had been so lonely. Even if he didn’t know it. 

What if doc hadn’t offered him that ride? None of this would have happened to him, right? He would’ve died of dehydration or a z in some empty corner of the world. Alone. 

10k wasn’t sure which fate was better. 

Warren debated in her head if they should talk about things in front of 10k, who still seemed to be struggling to ground himself. After everything, 10k should be apart of this conversation. 

“I think Sun Mei should have a look at him,” Warren said. 

Doc looked at her like she was crazy. “He doesn’t need to be poked and prodded right now.” 

“Doc, you know he could be hurt-” 

“It’s the apocalypse, Warren. After everything he needs rest. To know we’re going to protect him,” Doc found himself being oddly hostile. “What, you think Sun Mei is gonna have a kit? Make a nice little police report?” 

“Doc, you don’t know what injuries he might have,” Warren shot back. “If the bullet wound on his arm got infected that quick, we have to make sure.” 

“What would she do?” 10k finally spoke up. They immediately fell silent. “Sun Mei, how could she help me?” 

“I don’t know, baby boy. We could maybe figure out if you need to take antibiotics or if…” Warren faded off. 

“See if he damaged me,” 10k finished her sentence quietly. Doc’s hand squeezed his shoulder, whether to support him or to help doc steel himself. 

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna do,” Warren told him. If only that had been true for the past two months. 

“Okay,” 10k got to his feet, doc hovering, wanting desperately to help him somehow. “Did… did Addy…?” 

“She’s locking him up downstairs. He won’t come near you,” Warren reassured him. It wasn’t exactly consolation after the fact. She walked ahead, letting doc be there for 10k as they headed back into the museum. 

10k didn’t want to ask, but he felt this strange pull like he had to. “How did you find out?” There was an obvious answer. One he really didn’t like, but he wanted to hear it from doc. 

Doc wanted so badly to say _why didn’t you tell us? We love you so much. We could have gotten him away from you so much sooner. Were you scared of what we’d think? Did you think we actually would blame you for this?_ but he could not dare say something so harsh to his kid after everything. 

“I found… I found some stuff in his room,” was all Doc could manage. 

10k felt sick. “The pictures?” 

How could doc do anything but nod? Were there any words that could make the image of his kid getting raped leave his mind? They both knew what Doc had seen. What 10k had lived through. There was no going back from that. 

Neither continued the conversation as they headed for the lab. Both to caught up in their own shame and melancholy. 

“Warren - We heard shouts, what happened?” Sun Mei had Lucy behind her, gun now limp at her side. 

“Something came up,” Warren said. “Murphy had to go take care of some things,” she lied. 

“Why?” Lucy demanded. 

“I’m not sure, sweetheart, but I know it’s important that he left,” Warren told her. “Sun, are you done with Lucy? I’m sure she’d like to get on with her day,” Warren forced a smile that might fool Lucy but Sun knew something was wrong. 

“Yeah,” Sun said, eyeing doc and 10k warily. “I’ll see you later, Lucy.” 

“O-kay,” Lucy said. “Where’s Addy?” 

“I’m not sure,” Warren kept lying. This girl didn’t need to know such horrible things that her father had done. For now. “I’m sure if you go downstairs and wait, she’ll be around.” 

Lucy left and Sun Mei went to shut the door to the lab. “What’s going on?” Sun asked. 

Warren, the leader, always one to inform and instruct and stabilize, struggled to find the words. There was no tiptoeing around a topic like this. There was no way to make sure 10k was okay by half-explaining what had happened. There was, in essence, no way to preserve 10k’s dignity and privacy and try and help him. 

“10k, do you want to do this?” She meant explain and be there at all. It was all up to him. 

“Murphy-” 10k sighed. He didn’t want to tell anyone what had happened. But it was far too late for that. “He-” 10k stopped himself again. Why was this so _hard?_

“Maybe you could start by having her check your back?” Doc offered a less extreme beginning. Even if 10k felt himself tense since he knew exactly why doc knew about the razorblades having torn through his skin. 

“Okay,” 10k could deal with this at least. “Murphy hurt me. A lot,” vague, but manageable. “My back is all cut up.” 

Sun Mei nodded to the chair. “Sit facing away from me, and I’ll have a look. How old is the wound?” 10k did as he was told and lifted his shirt from his back. “Wounds,” Sun Mei corrected, containing a gasp at the sight of her patient’s tattered skin. 

Warren clung to the edge of the lab bench. Murphy had tortured him. That much was clear beyond even what she had heard in the courtyard. And Warren could think of only one reason for such a militaristic, efficient form of punishment. Murphy had wanted information. 

10k seemed to somehow know what Warren was thinking. “I never told,” he said softly. Warren went to his side but didn’t reply. “I didn’t tell him anything. Not about Lucy. Not about you.” It was like he was trying to defend himself. 

“I wouldn’t’ve blamed you if you had,” was all Warren could think to say. 

10k flinched when Sun Mei lifted up his shirt a little higher to check the full extent of the wounds. 10k didn’t really know it, but the base of the spread of thin cuts was damaged differently. The clean lines that extended to his lower back and hips had been marred by, well, by hands. By Murphy digging his fingers underneath the tattered flesh. Just as there were bruises, an unnerving greenish purple now, in the shape of handprints wrapped around his hips. 

Sun Mei now had her suspicions. Sure, 10k’s back and chest was covered in mottled bruises, not to mention his neck faintly from rope and hands, but that hold on 10k’s hips gave a clear picture. Still, the sickness of Murphy digging into 10k’s wounds all the while was an extra layer of gruesome. 

“10k, did Murphy… did he touch you in a certain way or…?” Sun Mei was a doctor. Standard medicine and biomedical engineering among others that suited her for say, creating a vaccine, but asking a teenage boy if he had been raped had never come up at college. 

“Or use me?” Was how 10k phrased it. He spoke with that same unnerving calmness that came with an equally unsettling distant. “He-” 10k let his anger guide his words out. “He raped me.” 

A cold, almost brutal quiet sliced through the room. “That’s what it is, right?” Doubt. “Dr. Merch had said anyone could be hurt like that, but I thought it only happened to girls.” 

“Yeah,” Sun Mei forced herself to speak. “Yes, 10k, anyone can be-can be raped. And it is never your fault, okay?” She felt the need to say that as well. 

While to the others in that room, _it’s not your fault_ should have been the clearest truth of this whole thing. Still, 10k took the words solemnly. Trying to let them sink in and accept them. 

“Are you comfortable answering a few questions? Regarding- About what happened,” Sun Mei forced herself to keep talking. 

“Like what?” 10k tensed, letting his shirt fall over his back as he turned to face Sun Mei. 

“We don’t have to do any physical examinations right now,” she reassured him, “but just a few questions so I know how hurt you are or if you could be sick.” 

Doc, who had been quietly holding 10k’s hand up until now, spoke sharply. “Sick?” 

Sun Mei was equally uncomfortable, “well, if Murphy has something…” 

“What do you need to know?” 10k asked, a little defensive, but no one could blame him. 

“Well, about getting sick first, did- did Murphy use any form of protection?” Sun Mei’s stomach was in knots and it seemed that feeling was shared by everyone in the room. Although 10k had been feeling that anxiety long before entering the lab. 

“I don’t think so,” it was a serious topic, of course, but the level of careful, solemn thought 10k put into every word just made them all want to hold him tighter. “Like… like condoms or something?” 

More heartbreak for the adults who felt responsible for him. This kid -god he was a fucking _kid_ \- had never had sex ed. His dad giving him ‘the talk’ had been vague and awkward at best. Addy teasing him sometimes and them mocking Murphy for being irresponsible was the closest thing to a ‘safe sex’ warning he’d had in his life. Not like he’d had the choice anyways. 

“Yeah,” it was hard for Sun to make herself keep talking. How it wasn’t impossible for 10k she had no idea. “So, you don’t think he used condoms,” christ, they were talking about this kid’s rapist so casually, “did you… did you exchange bodily fluids?” 

“Yeah,” 10k didn’t elaborate. No one expected him to go into detail. 

“I don’t think there’s much else I can do to check. I don’t have the tools for this specific kind of test. I could do a blood test, but I don’t have anything on record that could show me what’s wrong, if anything,” Sun Mei tried to think of some way to help. All she came up with was more questions. “Do you know if there was any… internal damage?” 

“How would I know?” 10k asked a little sharply. 

“Any… unusual pain,” the words made Sun Mei sick. Unusual pain was an understatement of this kid’s reality. “Bleeding?” 

“It hurt a lot. And I bled a lot. But I don’t know what’s normal and what isn’t,” at this point 10k was just trying his best to process. To tell Sun what he knew as if in doing so she could somehow help fix the wounds in his head as well. 

“Does it still hurt now?” Sun Mei asked. This was something. She was capable of finding painkillers and antibiotics. 

“Not really. I’m sore all over but I think that’s just because of the bruises and some stuff still healing,” 10k said. Before, on the mornings after, it would hurt to walk and he thought that Murphy had almost broken his hips, but right now it was, well, normal pain. Cuts and bruises and while the reasons were darker, the pain itself was the apocalypse standard. 

“Besides the cuts on your back, and the... assault, were there any other injuries or problems?” Sun asked. 

“Yeah,” 10k closed his eyes and breathed for a moment. This conversation seemed to be tugging him closer and closer to the cellar. Murphy wasn’t in his head to take him there, but the memories still pulled like a fishing hook tugging in a current. 

“10k? Do you want to stop? Maybe just take a minute?” Doc offered. 

“No,” 10k pushed on. “He, well not him, some of his men, they used razor blades on my back. Don’t know if that’s important. And this guy, fucked up bastard, he dislocated my shoulder at one point. He put it back, but he wasn’t exactly an expert.” 

“Which one?” Sun asked. 

“Right,” 10k told her. 

“Could you hold out your arm for me? Straight ahead?” Sun asked. 10k did as he was told. Sun bent his arm and felt along his shoulder for what he had no idea. “Try and rotate your shoulder as much as you can.” 

10k arced his arm in a circle as much as his shoulder joint would allow. At one point, when putting it out from his back, he let out a gasp. 

“What hurt?” Sun Mei asked immediately. 

10k’s other arm went to a bone on the back of his shoulder. Sun carefully felt along it but drew out no more pain from 10k. “Nothing seems to be damaged. You may just be sore. And you have the full range of motion I would expect. If anything changes, let me know.” 

Feeling somewhat reassured, 10k continued. “I don’t know if this would do anything to me, but they also held me underwater. Quite a few times at one point,” he admitted. 

Warren inhaled deeply, full of fury and shame. Murphy had tortured her kid. The kind of brutality that she hadn’t even been warned of in the national guard. Not even her friends who had gone overseas had much reference for this kind of torture. All because 10k had remained loyal to her. 10k had let himself suffer even more all to protect her. Not even protection, just pure loyalty. 

“How long? Did you fall unconscious, did you get much water in your lungs?” Sun Mei asked. “How’s your breathing?” 

“He’d hold me under until it really hurt and I thought I was gonna black out. Like my lungs would burn like they were gonna explode and then he’d pull me out of it,” 10k explained. “Well, enough that I’d take a breath and then he’d put me back under.” A pause. “Doc?” 10k sounded worried. 

Doc was holding his hand so tenderly, kissing his knuckles as he held back tears that still managed to slip down his face and get caught in his beard. 

“Sorry, kid,” Doc shook himself. “I’m okay.” 

Sun Mei was rummaging around the lab before returning with a stethoscope. “Could you take a deep breath for me, 10k?” 10k gasped as the cold metal pressed into his chest. He inhaled deeply. Sun had him do that a few times before she was satisfied that he was breathing okay. “How’s your head been? Any headaches or fogginess?” 

10k smiled as if Sun had just told a joke. “I’ve had Murphy crawling around in my head. It’s still a little messy up there.” 

“Point taken,” Sun said. “Just let me know. Oxygen deprivation isn’t good on the brain.” Sun frowned. “I’d like to take some of your blood, 10k. Don’t know what I’ll be able to find but I should at least try. I wish I had more information on Murphy’s history.” 

“I’ll go talk to him,” Warren offered. 

She left the room, feeling as if the air was clearer out of the tension of the lab. They were all so emotionally charged. She headed downstairs, there she saw Addy sitting in the dining room talking to Lucy. Addy gave her a nod of support and Warren headed past to the stairwell leading down. 

She lit an oil lamp as the power didn’t work down here and approached the thick sliding metal door embedded in the back wall. Warren sighed, one hand on the latch. She had to steel herself not to kill the man waiting behind the door. 

_Fucked him more than a few times, but so what? He’s a sick fucking murderer._

_You should’ve heard the sounds he made, doc. Kid hardly speaks, but begging? He can do that for hours._

Warren opened the door. 

“Come on, Warren. You really think you can keep me here?” Murphy’s real voice shook Warren from the dark words that refused to leave her mind. It seemed he had been waiting for her. 

“Well, we can sure try,” Warren said harshly. 

Murphy had woken up in the very cellar where he had trapped 10k for those terrible weeks. He had not staged a rescue mission with the blends at his disposal, as Lucy was still at stake. The sick bastard believed they were capable of shooting his daughter just to keep him in check. He didn’t seem to realize that not everyone was as immoral as him. 

“You always have to pretend to be the hero, don’t you, Warren?” Murphy snarled. “Avenging that kid is pathetic. He murdered Cassandra. Fine, lock me up, but he should be right down here with me.” Murphy couldn’t help but try and wound her with his cruel words. “Hell, put him down here with me so I can just keep on making him pay for what he did. Let us fight it out ourselves.” 

Warren had to work so hard to contain her anger. So much grief and fury wanted to lash out against the bruised man at her feet. “You raped a _child_.” Her voice shook, anger and pain radiating like a wave. 

Murphy didn’t try and defend himself or say it was justified, rather his immediate response was genuine surprise. “Who do you think I am, the pope?” How could he still be sarcastic? _How?_ “He’s practically middle aged in apocalypse time. I don’t know any children who count how many things they’ve killed.” 

“Murphy, I really thought you had just lost your way,” Warren realized she was honestly disappointed in Murphy. “I really thought maybe you had good intentions but had simply grown careless. How could you be irredeemable and love your daughter that much?” Warren sighed, hands balled into fists, taking all of her willpower not to murder the man in front of her as brutally as possible. “But there’s nothing justifiable about what you’ve become.” 

Murphy didn’t even acknowledge here genuine questioning of his deplorable state. He continued with the same carelessness Warren had known. “Thomas doesn’t deserve your pity. He’s alive. That’s a lot more than can be said for his victims.” Murphy scoffed. “Raped a child… He isn’t a child and he isn’t some poor little girl I snatched in a white van. He’s a prisoner of war. Bad stuff happens to prisoners of war. I needed information, and sure, maybe it got too personal, but I think _rape_ is a bit of a strong word-” 

Warren slammed Murphy against the wall, a hand around his throat. What a turn of events. Not too long ago Murphy had held 10k in the same position. Of course that situation had turned in a different direction. One with Murphy’s hands wandering a trembling child’s body until he turned him around and violated him again and again. 

Instead Warren let go. She let Murphy fall to the floor and returned to her mission. There were many differences between her and Murphy, but it was shown so clearly in that moment. She did not turn to evil or let her emotions blind her. She had a mission and people to protect. 

“I need to know what kind of filth you’ve been rolling around in,” Warren said coldly. “You’re a disgusting man, Murphy. I’ve got to make sure you didn’t pass anything on to my boy.” 

“You came down here to ask if I have any stds? You’re here to, what, ask me if I have aids?” Murphy jeered. 

Warren was at the end of her rope. “If you want to hold it over our heads, maybe I’ll take a leaf out of your book and resort to torture.” 

Murphy seemed to at least grow a little wary at this, but that stupid smirk still hadn’t left his face. “No. I’ve had my fair share of shit, but unless Lucy’s mom had something that I haven’t been able to figure out yet, the kid’s clean.” Murphy laughed. “Well, relatively. The shit I did to him definitely was filthy.” 

“Murphy, I swear to god, you’re walking a dangerous line,” Warren was running out of mercy. A rare thing in the apocalypse. 

“Am I?” Murphy was a cornered animal. He no longer had limits. “I think I probably crossed that line when I didn’t just fuck the kid until he screamed, but made him come too. Oh, he _hated_ that. I bet if I’d offered him a cyanide pill at that point he would’ve taken it gladly. Maybe I _should_ have given him something. I mean, like I said, I’m clean, but maybe I should’ve let my men have a go at him. Eventually he would’ve gotten something, right? You’re going on and on about me _raping a child_ you should be thanking me for not making it gang rape. Hell, I was careful not to do permanent damage. That fucking kid… do you know how many times I wanted to cut out his tongue and fuck his bleeding mouth? He just didn’t know when to shut up. And after he ran that first time…” Murphy grinned. “Speaking of, thanks for letting him come back to me. I would’ve had way less fun if you’d managed to protect him.” That cut Warren deep. As if she didn’t feel responsible already. “But as I said, after he ran I _really_ considered breaking his legs. And I mean having him as a fucktoy was useful and all, but I wanted a soldier too.” Warren was so tense. All of her restraint struggled to contain her hatred. 

“Have you seen the pictures yet? They’re good. He’s very photogenic when covered in tears and come.” Murphy let out another disturbed, barking laugh. “I can’t believe you hit him! After all the shit he’d dealt with, he finally goes back to mamma Warren and you _hit_ him. I was a little pissed at the time, but that’s rich, Roberta.” His laughter faded back to the same brutal cold. “Do you wanna know how I got his name? _Thomas._ You won’t be able to forget it and I know he’ll hate that. God, the way he gave it up, it was like I carved out his heart. One of my boys all but ripped his arm off, but I don’t even think that was what made him finally give it up. I told him- I said if you give me some information, I won’t pay you a visit tonight. So, he had to choose, get fucked, or give you up. But he’s a clever little bastard. Instead he said in the most pathetic little voice- _Thomas_. He’d rather give up his name than give you up! Now that’s real loyalty right there. It’s a shame, really. All that effort. I didn’t fuck him that night, I’m a man of my word, but it didn’t save him any of the other times-” 

Murphy didn’t get the chance to keep gloating. Warren snapped. Murphy started howling in pain with a bullet in his leg.


	23. Chapter 23

“We can’t stay here. Murphy is too big of a threat with his people around him,” Addy spoke in hushed tones to Warren, having found a corner without blends to eavesdrop.

“We can’t just take him and go,” Warren said. “This is too important to leave without planning. We need to have somewhere to land that’s defensible. And we need power. Not to mention a way to transport Sun Mei’s equipment.” 

“What’s gonna happen when Lucy starts asking daddy dearest why he’s got a bandaged leg? Not to mention his totally fucked up face,” Addy said. “Someone needs to be with Lucy at all times. She’s our only leverage.” Addy seemed to pause. “But… we’re not actually going to go through with something like that, right? Lucy’s safe. It’s all for show, yeah?” 

Warren was used to making the hard choices. Lying went hand in hand. “We would never do that.” Lucy or humanity, and it was an easy choice for Warren to make. Hopefully it would never come to that. 

“So, we need someone to go look for a safe place to settle down. Solar panels or something, and probably a truck to move the lab?” Addy asked. “We’ll have to split up, won’t we?” 

Warren had come to the same conclusion. “We need Sun Mei to keep working. And someone to guard her and Lucy.” 

“I’ll stay,” Addy said immediately. She paused, thinking hard. “10k should go.” 

“You think he’s ready for a trip like that?” 

“He’s been in Murphytown for way too long. It can’t be good for his head,” Addy told her. 

Warren nodded. “You’ll need backup. Do you think Red and 5k would be willing to stay with you?” 

“I’m sure she would, but 10k hasn’t really talked to her yet. About anything. I don’t know if it’ll be okay for them to leave things like that,” Addy said. 

“It’s 10k’s secret to share. If he doesn’t want to, it shouldn’t stop him from getting back in the game. 10k needs a goal. And some distance from here, like you said,” Warren said. 

“Should we have a group meeting?” Addy asked. 

“Yes. We’ll also need something to tell the blends. They’re calm now, but if they know the plan is to take away their messiah…” 

“We could just say Sun Mei needs something else for her lab work,” Addy offered. 

“Okay. You track down Red and 10k, I’ll grab Doc. We’ll talk in the lab,” Warren said. They parted. 

“Hey, 10k!” Red joined 10k on top of a truck parked outside the fence. “Didn’t know you were on guard duty.” 

“I’m not. Just wanted to get out of the house,” 10k shrugged, his sniper leaning on his shoulder. 

“I feel like I’ve hardly had time to see you,” Red said. 

10k couldn’t admit to her that it was shame that had kept him away. All Red knew was Murphy was put in lockup for being uncooperative to the point that it threatened the mission. Which wasn’t a lie. Everyone knew what had happened to him except for her, 5k, and Lucy. That seemed like a very small number to him. Some irrational part of him feared that by simply being near Red would give it away. Like it was some dirty secret branded on his skin. Despite his friends trying to hide it, everyone else looked at him differently now. He didn’t want that to happen to her too. 

“Hey, you okay?” Red reached out and held onto his hand. She could see him tense. 

10k was only growing more transparent by trying to avoid her. “I’m okay,” 10k lied as if his own unsettlement wasn’t written on his face. 

“Okay,” Red didn’t believe him, but she didn’t call him out for it either. “You feeling better? Murphy was in your head for a while, wasn’t he?” 

This topic did not seem to make 10k relax in the slightest. “Yeah. I don’t feel him anymore. Well, I don’t feel that connection between us.” 

10k had always been socially inept. He spent the majority of his life with just his father out in the woods. He had no idea how to hide his emotions any more than he knew how to express them. The wrongness he was feeling was utterly transparent, even if Red didn’t know the cause. 

“You know you can talk to me, right? If you want to,” Red didn’t want to press, but she had to offer. Something was eating away at 10k. That much was clear. 

“Red-” 

“There you two are!” Addy called through the fence. “Warren wants us in the lab.” 

10k did not finish his thought and instead stood and got down from the truck. Red followed. 

“Addy, what’s going on?” Red asked. 

“Just something Sun Mei needs help with,” Addy said with the sort of casualness that clued them in that something more was going on. 

Warren and Doc were also in the lab when they arrived, in hushed conversation with Sun Mei. 

“Good. We’re all here,” Warren waved them over. “We can’t stay here. Save your protesting or questions for later- this is important. Murphy can’t be trusted. Especially here.” No one could disagree with that. “But we can’t just pick up and leave. Me, Doc, and 10k are going to look for a place we can set up that isn’t here. And better transport so we can take the lab with us.” 

“Why aren’t we all going?” Red asked, her shoulder brushing against 10k’s. 

“We need some people here to protect Sun Mei and guard Murphy,” Warren said. “Lucy trusts Addy, but she can’t look after this place alone. I was hoping you and 5k could stay here and help out.” Despite how she phrased it, Red was supposed to follow orders. She reluctantly agreed. “Good. We’re telling the blends that Sun Mei was missing some equipment. We’ll try and contact you when we can, but make sure there’s no one to overhear the radio when we do.” 

“Don’t worry, Warren, I got this,” Addy said. 

“I’m on board,” Doc shrugged. “You ready for a road trip, kid?” 

10k glanced from Red to Doc. He nodded. “We won’t be gone too long, right?” 

“Well, we’ll need some distance from Spokane. And time to find supplies. Three weeks is a safe timeline. More than a month, especially without contact, move on with your research and assume we aren’t coming back,” Warren told Sun Mei. Standard apocalypse protocol. Assume dead and move on. 

“What should I tell Lucy?” Addy asked. 

“She cannot be left alone. One of us, _not_ just a blend, has to be with her at all times. Try and keep her away from Murphy, but if you can’t, make sure Murphy knows what’s at stake.” 

“So we’re letting him out?” Addy asked incredulously. 

“That’s your call. Keeping him in a cell gets riskier and riskier. If the blends get nervous or Lucy starts asking too many questions, let him out. Say he just needed to rest his leg.” Warren couldn’t help but twitch into a smile at the memory of placing a bullet there. “Say he got shot out on a supply run. Bandits.” 

“And if something happens? If the blends start acting up?” Addy asked. 

“Murphy, Lucy, and Sun are the priority. Your goal should be to protect them at all costs,” Warren gave them the hard truth they knew to expect. Red and Addy, and even 5k, were insignificant compared to the cure. 

“10k, are you okay leaving?” Red asked. “I get it if we have to, but if you’d rather stay here could we…?” 

“I want to go,” 10k said. After the fact he realized that Red seemed a little hurt by how easy it was for him to leave her. “Just to get out of my head for a while. It’s not because of you,” 10k said quickly. 

“Okay. You just better take care of yourself for me, ten thousand,” Red cupped his cheek, teasing him tenderly. 

“I’ll give us the rest of today,” Warren said. “Everyone get supplies while we still have time. Doc, you’re on food duty. I’ll stock up on gas. 10k, get together water. To each their own on bullets and weapons. Let’s aim for a two week supply.” 

The apocalypse taught you strange things. Like 10k immediately estimated that for three people, two weeks, they would need around 45 gallons of water. Maybe the number didn’t come to mind, but he knew they would basically need a container about the size of 5k. Normally when scavenging, you just filled up whatever container you could and hoped for the best. But they had _running water_. You didn’t just give that up. 

“You want to help me pack?” 10k said. “Help me find some jugs?” 

“Sure,” Red said. “5k is gonna be disappointed.” 

10k did feel a little guilty to be leaving them after just finding them again. Not as much as he wanted to get away from here. If he had his way, they would leave Murphy in that cellar and then they would all leave. Including Sun Mei and Addy and Lucy. They wouldn’t be followed or be trapped. They would just keep driving across the country. Surviving as they had for the past years. 

“5k is a tough kid.” It felt strange to say that when only a year ago 10k had felt like the youngest person in the apocalypse. “Besides, we’ll be back pretty soon. Hopefully with somewhere new for us to land,” 10k said. 

“Come on, 10k. You know better than to make promises like that in the apocalypse,” Red’s words were bitter sweet. 

10k remained convinced. “We’ll be back.” 

“You’re cute when you get all optimistic,” Red teased, following him out into the museum. Warren had claimed an old pickup and was already loading up gallons of fuel. 

10k and Red stole a dozen plastic jugs from the storeroom that had been established. Immunity was one hell of a support when it came to building a community, the blends had made leagues of progress in such a short time. Red helped him fill them from the kitchen sink. A tedious process since they had to fill a bucket and move it over. The water would be good for a while as long as they kept them sealed. 

Just to be safe, he and Red also filled up several regular water bottles to go in their packs. If they had to ditch the truck, they wouldn’t be totally screwed. 

“Hey! Addy! You wanna help us move this stuff over?” Red called over to Addy. 

“Yeah, Lucy, feel like doing something?” Addy was on babysitting duty. 

“Fine,” Lucy seemed a little gloomy. No doubt she was still questioning the absence of her father. “Hey- _you_ worked with my dad. Do you know when he’ll be back?” Lucy jumped to 10k’s side. 

10k stiffened. “No,” he said a little coldly. A harshness Lucy didn’t have an explanation for. 

“Fine, jeez,” Lucy sulked away to Addy’s side. “Just asking…” 

_Worked_ with her dad. Was that really what she’d been told? By who, Addy? Doubtful. One of the blends? 

“Hey, Lucy, could you go to the kitchens? Start bringing these to the truck?” Addy pulled her away. 

“Fine. I don’t know why _they_ have to leave too…” 

“Hey, save your tween angst for later,” Addy called after her. She adored that girl but had no intention of spoiling her like all of Murphy’s people seemed set on. 

Once they were alone, Addy pulled 10k aside. “You know, you can tell people some of the truth. Lucy doesn’t need to know everything to know her dad is a bad person.” 

10k shook his head. “Where’s the line, Addy? Do I just tell her he abducted me? Controlled me? Controls _everyone_ here? Or do I go all the way to tell her he tortured me?” 

Addy wasn’t sure how to respond to that. 

“As long as he doesn’t hurt her, and I know that’s not gonna happen, she doesn’t need to know,” 10k said. 

“It’s your business, 10k, but I think it’s gonna get a little confusing when everyone keeps on putting her father in lockup. Because trust me, I’m not gonna treat him nicely. Not even for her,” Addy muttered darkly. 

“It’s a problem for later,” 10k said. “You just make sure he doesn’t cause any trouble while we’re gone.” 

“You got it, 10k,” Addy reached up and mussed up 10k’s hair. “And if that just so happens to involve kicking him in the balls a few times, all the better, right? And you better make sure Doc and Warren don’t get into trouble. Well, not _too_ much trouble. Best you can hope for with those two.” 

“Kid! Can you come help me with something?” Doc called to 10k. 

“What’s up?” 10k said. 

“I don’t wanna weird you out, but…” Doc fumbled with his words and 10k felt a rising dread. “Do you… do you want to burn them? Before we go?” Doc pressed a lighter into his hands. “If you don’t want to, I could or…” 

“The pictures,” 10k said quietly. “I wanna do it. I don’t want anyone else to see them again.” 

“Sure, kid. Whatever you want. No one’s been back in the room, so,” Doc nodded. “Do you want me to come with you?” 

“I don’t want you to see them again,” 10k said. 

“How about I wait outside for you,” Doc offered and 10k could agree to that. 

10k made it as far as the entryway to the main room between Murphy and Lucy’s before he was frozen. This was the room where Murphy had forced him to take off his clothes. And it hadn’t stopped there. 

“Kid?” 

“Just- Wait out here,” 10k pushed past, moving despite everything inside of him telling him to run. He hadn’t been back here since, well, since the morning after. 

The room was unchanged except for the bottom drawer of the dresser which was left open. And the bed. The bed was covered in polaroids which had been thrown haphazardly across the blankets. 10k hadn’t seen them before. Of course, he had lived them. Which was quite a bit worse. Still, it only made him feel worse to have his fears verified. Doc - and Addy - had seen everything. 

10k’s palms were sweaty as he clutched Doc’s lighter. 10k hadn’t realized how pathetic and disgusting he had really looked. He grabbed the photos, there were more than a dozen, and threw them all in the sink. His hands wouldn’t stop shaking. He didn’t want to think about it. Or feel it. He just wanted to get it over with. 10k lit the corner of one of the photos, trying not to take in the acts it depicted, and dropped it into the sink. It didn’t take long for the flames to take in the paper, the plastic and inks covering the photos acting as a propellant. 

10k could burn the photos, sure, but it changed nothing. It had happened. That couldn’t be burned.


	24. Chapter 24

They left at dawn. The following morning, a truck full of supplies, they headed out back into the apocalypse.

“See you soon, right?” Red kissed him tenderly as they settled into the truck. 

“Course,” 10k said. A kiss from her felt so different from Murphy forcing himself onto him and biting at his skin. 

“Take care of yourself, 10k,” Addy gave him a hug before moving back and waiting. 

“Be careful,” 10k replied. 

“Don’t worry. _He_ should be scared of me,” Addy said. 

5k, without a word as usual, hugged him tightly around the waist. 

“Look after your sister, alright, kid?” 10k told him. He nodded dutifully. 

“Hold the fort down, Addy. We’ll try and make radio contact in three days. Keep an ear out,” Warren told her. 

And suddenly Murphytown was behind them. And 10k felt the air lift around him and breathing somehow grew easier. Doc and Warren rode in the truck and 10k stood in the back, firing off at any Zs that happened to stray by. He had gathered amo like it was air. He had more than enough to spare on the passing dead. 

“Five thousand three hundred and two,” he murmured to himself. The counting, the _ability_ to keep count, was so comforting. 

“You good up there, kid?” Doc called back to him. 

“Yeah,” 10k replied. He actually was starting to think he meant it. Maybe. 

10k sat down in the bed of the truck, leaning against the windows separating him from the cabin. It was oddly cozy with the many containers of food and water and gasoline surrounding him. He looked out on the road drawing away behind them. Spokane was out of sight now. That almost made things hurt less. Still, his worry kept wandering back there. Where Addy, Sun, Red, and 5k were. Of course there would still be something anchoring him to that place. 

10k leaned against his rifle which rested on his shoulder. Letting the bumpy roads underneath the truck jostle and lull him. Rough roads and long drives were the only constant in this world. 10k didn’t quite sleep. He was terrified of sleeping now that it was not a necessary coma for his recovery. 10k had barely slept the night before as well, woke up in a cold sweat hours before dawn, only thankful that whatever terror he had dreamt was not remembered in the waking world. Outside the memories, at least. 10k had had a few night terrors during those weeks in hell, but they had been overshadowed by the pure adrenaline of trying to survive each day. Still, 10k let himself rest. Let his mind leave his body and not wander down a dark path. Perhaps it was trauma or the pure boredom of the apocalypse which allowed him to simply exist, utterly empty inside. 

“Hey, you wanna drive for a few, kid? We’ll find somewhere to crash after that, but Warren and I are gettin’ tired,” Doc called back. 

10k nodded, standing as the car pulled to the side of the road. Doc got out of the driver’s side, agreeing to sleep in the truck bed while Warren rode passenger. 10k had grown better at driving the past year. Doc took over 10k’s spot, using his jacket as a pillow. 

10k got on the driver’s side. It was approaching evening now. 10k took to the wheel, eyes focused ahead on the road, grateful for something to focus on. 10k wasn’t exactly a good driver, but it helped when there was no one else on the road. The world grew darker, with only his headlights illuminating a world without houses or cars or people to illuminate it. 10k remained focused on every foot of ground which appeared under the light. 

He was alone now. Doc snoring softly behind him and Warren had finally slumped against the window, asleep. 10k was not afraid of the occasional reflection of light off of dead eyes. That was natural now. Wandering figures limping beside the road was far more common than deer ever were. 

What _did_ haunt him in the lonely quiet was the memories. In the dark his mind could not settle into calm and instead wandered towards the feeling of hands digging into his hips, hot breath on his neck, a filthy body grinding against his, sick words hissed into his ears as that man made him scream for mercy… 

“ _10k!_ ” He jolted awake to Warren yanking on the steering wheel as they crushed a Z under their right tire. 

10k slammed onto the breaks, shaking with adrenaline. 

“Jesus, Warren! What happened?!” Doc had shot up as well. 

“10k, it’s okay, no one’s hurt,” Warren reached out and pulled away his white knuckled grip on the steering wheel. 

“I-I’m sorry, I just- I must’ve fallen asleep- and-” 10k struggled to pull himself together. 

“It’s okay, baby boy. Let’s just pull over for a minute,” Warren put the truck in park and 10k took the key out of the ignition with shaking hands. Warren was careful with her words, trying to calm him. 

Doc hopped out of the back, opening 10k’s door. “Talk to me, kid. What happened?” 

“I fell asleep. I thought I could do it, I didn’t sleep last night, but-but we’ve gone _days_ without sleep, I don’t know when I got this weak-” 

“You’re not weak, 10k,” Warren said firmly. 

“Yeah, kid. You’ve been through a lot lately. ‘Course you’re still recovering,” Doc put an arm on 10k’s shoulder, only to pull away when he flinched. 

“I- I’m just a little jumpy-” 10k tried to apologize. “I- I’m just so sorry.” He held his head in his hands, the tension in his body making his back and shoulder ache. 

“10k, you don’t need to be sorry. You got tired. It happens. We’re all okay and- well, we probably all need to settle in for the night, right Warren?” Doc comforted him, but did not try to touch him again. 10k wished he wasn’t so afraid of his loved ones laying a hand on him. 

“Right. How about I drive us off the main road? Just to be safe?” Warren offered. 

“I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to…” 

“10k, you don’t need to apologize,” Warren said again. “No one blames you.” 

10k found it so hard to believe them. 

Warren parked the car off to the side of the first turn off of a dirt road. She also said she could take first watch. She immediately told 10k not to worry about it. She could deal with being awake a few more hours, and he could take over then. 

“Do you think you’ll be able to sleep, kid?” Doc asked as he settled back in the truck bed. 10k was sitting next to him, seemingly still unsettled. 

10k thought for a moment. “No.” 

“Do you think you’d rather sleep in the front seat? Just so you’re inside?” Doc offered. Before what had happened to 10k, in the apocalypse being outside was the reasonable source of trauma. They all felt exposed, so on a bad night it was best to curl up somewhere more sheltered or to sleep with your weapon of choice. 10k was in a different sort of anxiety than what any of them were prepared to deal with. 

“I want to stay near you,” 10k admitted. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I was so scared and it hurt so much while it was happening, but now the memories are so bad I can’t function.” 

Doc paused thoughtfully. “Y’know, sometimes the… side effects of bad stuff happening don’t really hit us until they’re over. ‘Cause our mind finally thinks it’s safe enough to break down.” 

10k frowned. “But it’s _never_ safe.” 

“Well, apocalypse danger is different from…” Doc wasn’t sure how to phrase it. “From that kind of danger.” 

“So somehow my head thinks it’s okay to shut down now?!” 10k seemed angry with himself. “We’re on a mission. We need to get transport and-and a safe place to land, and I can’t hold you guys back.” 

“10k, don’t you say that,” 10k wasn’t used to such firmness from Doc. “You’re a better shot than either of us, than anyone. We need your help otherwise Warren wouldn’t’ve asked you to come.” 

“I just-” 10k’s voice was beginning to quiver despite how hard he tried to hold back. “I thought I’d gotten him out of my head.” 

“I don’t know if he’ll ever be totally gone, 10k, but I promise we can get through this. You aren’t alone,” Doc told him. Christ, he’d helped people get through rehab, not dealt with victims of rape and torture. “One day at time. We’ll help you learn to live with it.” Maybe the advice for either problem wasn’t mutually exclusive. One day at a time. Except instead of craving heroin or oxycontin it was overcoming flashbacks of graphic violence. 

10k wanted to say something. Doc could tell. 

“You wanna sleep next to me tonight?” Doc offered. They had slept close to one another many times. Part of the pack mentality formed on the road together. Still, after everything Doc wanted to ask. 

10k nodded, curling up next to him, facing away. It was like 10k wanted to fold so deeply inside himself he would just disappear. Doc went to a duffle bag of clothes, batteries, rope, and other random useful items. He returned with a blanket, putting it around 10k, feeling some sense of relief when 10k seemed to relax at his touch rather than flinch away. 

“G’night, kid. You just… you come get me or Warren if something happens,” Doc said before settling in for the night, Warren sat on the roof of the truck, keeping watch over them. Her guard was as safe as you could feel out in the apocalypse. 

10k remained awake, curled up in the silence, willing himself to fall unconscious. To not think anymore. 10k still didn’t feel like himself. Or he did, but not the version of himself he wanted to be. He was haunted by the other him. By Thomas. That terrified, warped part of himself that was so desperate for the pain to stop he’d tear his own mind apart. It was so hard to look at Warren and not think of desperately struggling for air, hanging weakly from chains, blood pooling around his legs. To look at Doc without being reminded of Murphy binding him to the bed and climbing on top of him, of Murphy’s body pressing against his, of being locked in the dark, going through withdrawals from his own free will… 

_Good boy…_

10k sat up with a start, the feeling of hands around his throat so terribly real. 

“10k? You okay?” Warren called down to him carefully. 

“Can’t… can’t sleep,” 10k stammered out. 

“You got a few hours in. That’s something,” Warren patted the top of the truck next to her, motioning for him to join her. 

10k climbed up, careful not to disturb Doc who was still fast asleep. 

“You want to talk about it?” Warren asked, staring off into the dark. 

10k went to shake his head, but he really wasn’t sure. 

“You don’t have to talk about it, but know that this isn’t just for you to carry,” Warren spoke carefully. “You’re not gonna scare me if you need to process what happened.” 

“I don’t think I know how,” 10k said. 

“That’s alright,” Warren said simply. They sat in silence for a time. Warren did not pressure him or even try and comfort him, simply allowed him to be. 10k appreciated it. 

“Why…” 10k wasn’t even sure what he was going to say. Warren gave him time to think. “Why do you all look at me like… like there’s something wrong with me?” 

Warren’s chest seemed to constrict at these words. Because they did look at him like that. Not in the way 10k believed. What was wrong with 10k was that he had suffered and they hadn’t been there to save him. 

“We… we wish you hadn’t been hurt, 10k. We love you so much that it’s hard to know something bad happened to you,” Warren spoke carefully. “There’s nothing wrong with you, there’s something wrong with what's happened _to_ you.” 

10k nodded grudgingly. “I hate it. I wish things were just like they were before.” 

“I know, baby boy,” Warren put her arm around him and 10k leaned into the embrace. “I don’t think it’s ever gonna be like it was before.” 

“You…” 10k thought carefully on his words. He was so worried about bringing up what was worrying him. “You heard what he called me, didn’t you?” 10k asked. Thomas. That name was like a brand on his skin. 

“You’re 10k to us,” Warren said firmly. “Unless you want to go by a different name?” 

Tommy. He missed being Tommy. His father protected him and he never had to be alone. He had never been alone until the day his father died. Tommy drowned in that silence and loneliness. Ten thousand grew from the ashes and later Thomas crawled from the blood. 

“No. I want to be 10k,” he said. He wasn’t lying. 10k was as safe as he could be. Tommy was weak. 10k wasn’t prepared to be weak again. He relied on the protection of a mission. 

“Okay,” Warren agreed. “Wanna try sleeping again? Doc is probably getting cold alone down there.” 

“Don’t you want me on watch? So you can sleep?” 10k asked. 

“How about this, you get some sleep now, you can drive in the morning and I’ll sleep then, okay?” Warren offered. 

“Okay,” 10k got down from the roof of the truck, laying down beside Doc. After a moment of thought he pressed himself into Doc’s side, the man in turn putting his arm around his boy. 10k actually felt okay. And sleep no longer eluded him.


	25. Chapter 25

Morning came and 10k almost felt rested. Almost.

Breakfast consisted of canned beets which left their hands stained red and water was drunk carefully. They had more than enough but rationing was a habit learned from consequence. Then it was back to driving. Not as aimlessly as 10k had first feared, as Warren said there was a truck depot a few towns over. According to the paper map and atlas they relied on since a GPS was impossible. Unless somehow Kaya at Northern Light managed to find them. 

Doc drove for the first hour and then 10k took over. Warren spent the morning sleeping in the truck bed, a blanket over her face. 10k tried hard not to feel guilty for letting her keep watch all night. Doc was well rested having slept through the night and kept 10k away from his own thoughts with a general chatter. 

“Y’know to move the lab the truck will have to be more industrial, but I’m hoping we’ll find an RV, you know? Something nicer to get us there. And bet some of those fancy RVs have solar panels we can strip,” Doc said, window rolled down and him fiddling with a roll of paper. 

10k said nothing. That was typical. Doc could just talk and he could just listen. It was peaceful. As much as it could be with Zs still lining the road. 

“Hey! Warren! Sign for the depot is coming up, you know where we turn?” Doc called back through the window. 

“At the sign,” Warren grumbled. 

“Should’ve guessed that,” Doc said to 10k. “You heard the woman, turn.” 

The road ahead was empty. No one made it to this particular turnoff in the middle of nowhere at the start of the apocalypse so they only saw one abandoned car instead of the usual half dozen. 

The lot itself was still filled with the shipping vehicles that no one had bothered to steal. It wasn’t exactly habitable transport so no one except someone with a very specific mission would bother to take it. There were so few Zs on the lot it made 10k nervous. Places with no Zs attracted humans. Which were far more dangerous. 

Warren hopped out of the truck bed, machete on her belt and handgun already out. “Scope it out first. Meet back at the truck in 10. Holler if something goes wrong,” standard instructions. 

10k headed for the warehouse, Warren took the lot, and Doc headed for the offices. There were a dozen trucks lined up there, each numbered. 10k assumed they could take any one of them, but that also meant they’d need an extra driver. 10k could not break down or have any more sleepless nights. They really needed him. 

He returned to the truck, still unsettled that there wasn’t a single Z in the building. 

“Guessing they all ran for home before everything went to shit,” Doc said. “Office had all the keys. No people. Looks like they left in a hurry, though,” he added. 

“Doesn’t matter which one we take, but we should take as much gas as we can. Make sure we get back to Murphytown fast. Won’t need to use the room for the lab until we’re there,” Warren said. 

Doc dug out three siphons from one of the bags and they gathered empty - and sometimes full - cans from the warehouse. This was the easy part. It was a pit stop, but they still needed to find somewhere safe. Somewhere real to settle down. Well, that was a vague concept in the apocalypse, but as they drove further from Spokane and into Idaho, people and Zs grew rarer. 

Warren said they would at least cross into Montana. Then would come the search for somewhere safe. Somewhere North. Near the the border. Somewhere cold. 

“We can rig the semi to the back of our truck. It should be able to take the weight,” Warren said. 

“What about when it’s got the lab stuff in it?” Doc frowned. 

“I can drive the truck if one of you wants to take the semi,” 10k offered. 

“Don’t worry about it, 10k. We can hook up the truck to the semi. Better than wasting the gas,” Warren said. 

“Alright. But where to now, boss?” Doc said after they had pooled as much gas as they could store in the truck. 

“We head Northeast, find somewhere quiet, turn around, and get the others,” Warren offered. 

“More driving, then,” Doc sighed. 

“I can drive,” 10k said immediately. 

“10k, are you offering because you feel like you have to, or because you want to?” Warren asked. 

“Would you have asked me that before?” 10k couldn’t help but snap. 

What could Warren say? 10k was right. They were treating him more delicately now. It was exactly what he hadn’t wanted. 

“Alright. 10k is driving first,” Warren said. 

Before the apocalypse, letting a seventeen - likely eighteen now - year old drive a semi truck would be viewed as utterly insane. Now it was all the more vital that they arrived safely, but the apocalypse made any survivor considered competent. 10k was probably as experienced driving such a vehicle as Doc. And more sober. 

Warren was also riding shotgun while Doc lounged in the truckbed. So it wasn’t like he was unsupervised. 

“Careful, getting close to the cars on this side,” Warren guided him as the roads became more clogged with abandoned cars. 

“Sorry,” 10k muttered. 

“Kid, I’d’ve sent us into a ditch by now,” Doc called from behind them. 

“You wanna switch out?” Warren asked. 

10k grew more irritated. “No.” 

“Warren, you wanna try the radio? Try and check back with the others?” Doc called. 

“I can try,” Warren had carefully rigged a ham radio into the car to give it a charge. That didn’t mean the radio itself worked. “Operation Bitemark, checking in. Anyone copy?” 

Warren gave it a minute. Only static. 

“Operation Bitemark, anyone copy?” 

10k knew it might just mean the radio wasn’t working. Or maybe the one at Murphytown was broken. It still left him worried. That something had gone wrong there. 

“Operation Bitemark, copy?” 

Static crackled sharply. “Operation Bitemark, copying,” Addy’s voice came through. 

“How’re things faring, over?” Warren asked. 

“Holding down the fort. The princess is still limping around. Being a bitch. The usual. Over,” Addy replied. 

“We’re making some progress here. Got a truck for the equipment. Now we’re looking for a good camp. Hey- can you check your directory and see if there’re any tech companies near route 15? Hoping to find some solar panels. Over.” 

“One sec,” there was silence except for static until Addy returned several minutes later. 

“I’m back. There’s a warehouse for a company called parasonic about two hours north of Great Falls. You see it on your map?” Addy asked. 

“Yeah. Yeah, Great Falls. Shouldn’t be too far from us,” Warren said, all formalities of ‘over’s abandoned. 

“How is everyone?” Addy asked. 10k was suspicious that she was definitely asking about him. 

“I’m hanging on,” Doc called from the back. 

“You better be,” Addy laughed. “10k?” 

“Trying to drive a semi,” was his reply. 

“Don’t hurt yourself, bud,” Addy teased. 10k was glad she wasn’t afraid of being light with him. 

“We’ll check in in at least the next three days,” Warren said. You try and contact us if something happens.” 

“Will do, Warren,” Addy said. 

“Wait! How’s Red?” 10k asked, fearing she was about to leave the radio. 

“Okay. She misses you,” Addy admitted. “I’ve been… I’ve been having her watch Lucy mostly. I don’t want her near Murphy in case he tells her- says some stuff he shouldn’t,” Addy corrected. 

“Thanks, Addy. I know you’d rather be with Lucy,” 10k said. 

“Gives me more chances to kick his crutch out from under him,” 10k could imagine Addy’s smirk. 

“Keep her safe. At least… please don’t let her be alone with him,” 10k asked. They could tell he feared more than Murphy spilling his secrets. 

“You got it, 10k,” Addy said. 

“Alright Addy. Don’t want to waste the power so we’ll check in when we can. Keep an ear out,” Warren said. 

“Alright. Stay safe out there,” Addy said. 

The radio went silent with static. 

“Good to know they’re all still alive,” Warren sighed. 

“Addy’ll hold the fort down,” Doc called. 

“You know Addy won’t let him near her, right?” Warren said. “Even if she did, there’s no way Murphy is stupid enough to say anything to her in front of Addy. She’d break his legs. And I’d let her.” 

“I just… I worry,” 10k shrugged. “I feel like I should’ve warned her.” 

“Why?” Warren frowned. 

“Cause… cause what if he touches her? Or what if he hurts 5k because I didn’t want to tell them?” 10k seemed to struggle with himself. 

“You know Addy wouldn’t let that happen,” Warren said. “And Red is tough. She’d kick his ass.” 

10k said nothing more. Warren was always right. Shame returned to him. He was weak. Why couldn’t he fight back? The times in the cellar, when he’d still been in control of his body, Murphy had held him down so easily. When he’d tried to run, he’d barely gotten Murphy to pause before he was on top of him. Weak. Coward. 

“10k, your silence feels less friendly than your usual silence,” Doc said from the back. How could he always know? He couldn’t even _see_ him. 

“I’m okay,” 10k said. “Just… I just feel so bad for lying to her.” 

“10k, you’re not lying to her,” Warren said. “You’re allowed to keep things to yourself. Especially stuff like that.” 

“He’s _dangerous_ , Warren,” 10k didn’t know how else to explain. “If anything happens to her it’ll be my fault.” 

“10k, whatever he does, whatever he _has_ done, it is not your fault,” Warren said sharply. 

“I just… I feel so messed up,” 10k admitted. “I feel so ashamed all the time and I don’t know why.” 

Doc was sitting up now, leaning against the open window between him in the cabin. 

“You don’t have anything to be ashamed about, kid,” Doc meant it, but it was still hard to believe. 

Warren put a hand on his shoulder, “you’re a good boy, 10k.” 

And all their reassurances were drowned in those two words. _Good boy._

10k felt himself freeze up. 

“You okay?” Warren grew worried. 

“C-Can we stop? I need to stop, I-I can’t-” 

“Okay, it’s okay, just pull over, try and brake a little slow,” Warren spoke soothingly but 10k couldn’t calm himself. 

Doc hopped out of the truck bed the moment they stopped, opening the door on 10k’s side. 10k was already curling inward, unable to stop his racing heart. 

“I-I’m sorry- I-I can’t breathe-” 

“It’s okay, kid, I got you,” Doc wasn’t sure if he should touch 10k or not. 

10k shook his head, seeming to separate himself further and further from his surroundings. The world felt blurred by hands yanking on his hair, teeth biting into his shoulder, and nails digging into his hips. Two words. And he was spiraling. 

“Doc, we shouldn’t stop on the roads for too long,” Warren warned. 

“Christ, Warren! Gimme a minute,” Doc snapped. “10k, can I help you? Do you want to get out of the car?” 

10k fought so hard to simply speak. Every instinct told him to keep quiet and not move. He didn’t know where this instinct was coming from. He was _safe_. No one was even touching him. Still not able to comfortably explain anything, he instead shouldered past Doc onto the cracked road. He was shaking violently. A whine of panic clawed its way out and 10k almost wished something bad _was_ happening to him so he could at least justify his panic and know when it would end. 

“10k, please, let us help you,” Warren said. “Do you know where you are?” 

“Y-Yeah I know where I am,” 10k was so unsettled by her question that his answer came easily. “But it’s-” He kept pausing to desperately gasp for air. “I can’t breathe-” More panic. “M-My heart f-feels like-” Another shuddering gasp. 

“10k, you gotta stop hyperventilating. You’re gonna pass out,” Doc said. “Please, just sit down-” 

Before Doc had even finished his statement 10k collapsed, not even conscious enough to feel shame for his pathetic weakness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been so long, guys. bit of writer's block and I have wayyy too many projects going on at once. thanks for sticking with me :)


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, a new chapter! This one is a lot more thinking a lot less doing, but any processing 10k can manage is good, amirite?

“No… No I don’t want this,” 10k mumbled the words like they had ever made a difference. “Stop!” That panicked cry made Doc wince, but he could not get his boy to stir enough to realize he was safe.

“10k, come on, kid, you’re okay,” Doc spoke the words but he was afraid to touch 10k in case he only sent him deeper into his spiral of panic. 

The world shifted around him. 10k did not know that Doc was by his side nor that Warren stood guard over them once more. His body was so tense it hurt. Like a fever and a nightmare rolled into one panic attack of hysteria. 

“Please…” 10k’s nails clawed at the wooden floors beneath him even when it hurt. “No… no don’t touch me…” 

Doc was shaking almost as bad as 10k was. His kid was trapped and Doc didn’t know how to help him. They had placed him on the floor away from the dusty furniture with pillow under his head that he kept on moving off of in his thrashing. Doc didn’t know what to do now. 

“10k, please, try and breathe,” Doc pleaded with him but doubted 10k could even hear him. He had collapsed onto the road and remained limp even as Warren and Doc carried him into a farmhouse they found a few miles down the road. Somewhere quiet and off the beaten track. Hell, the dirt road back onto the property was all but invisible from the main road. It was somewhere quiet for 10k to break down as night fell on a dying world. 

“I’m sorry… please… I’m sorry…” 10k was pleading as well. With something Doc and Warren couldn’t see. “No, no please! You don’t have to do this!” Desperate mutterings rose into horrified screams. Screams that would haunt both 10k and his loved ones for long after. 

Doc was crying. Warren focusing all her energy on remaining grounded. 

“If he keeps screaming, he’ll attract some Zs,” Warren said. Despite her efforts her voice still shook. Doc and Warren were responsible for this boy. They were the closest thing to parents he had and they couldn’t even help him. 

Doc reached out and took 10k’s hand. He couldn’t take doing nothing anymore. 10k’s already tense body seemed to flinch away, but also held onto Doc’s hand like a lifeline in some dark sea he drowned alone in. 

_Good boy_

_Next time, if you don’t fight so hard, I’ll be gentle._

He never was gentle. Even when he went slow or used lube or just played with his hair, it was never _gentle_. Every act was one of malicious cruelty. Every mercy meant to produce shame and guilt. 10k had never trusted Murphy, but his body still told him that some contract of faith in what life was had been broken. People weren’t meant to do that to other people. 10k didn’t even feel human anymore. 

10k’s body had for the most part begun to heal. The wounds marring his back still were scabbing over, and his wrists still bore the mark of chains that had yet to fully clear, but that made sense. What didn’t was that his throat still felt bruised as if hands were wrapped around it. His hips had the ghosts of clawing fingertips still written in flesh memory. Two words. _Good boy_. And 10k lost himself in flashbacks of pain. Fear of a man he would have to see again when they returned. All awareness of his surroundings could not overcome such a brutal reality. Murphy was not gone. In more ways than one. 

What-ifs were almost more frightening than the memories. An alternative reality where Warren and Doc and Addy hadn’t made it. Where instead Murphy had broken his legs as he had threatened to and kept him locked in the compound as nothing more than a pet. A world where he couldn’t run no matter what. One where Murphy felt free to maim him to the point where his dependency on Murphy was his new cage. Murphy cutting out his tongue. Allowing his broken bones to reheal warped and mangled. How much it would _hurt_ to have Murphy rape his crippled body and violate a mouth far too empty and bloody. Would Murphy give him crutches so he could pace Murphytown like a caged animal? Would he even be allowed outside? Would Lucy be kind to him, the fragile, voiceless boy that her father loved to touch? Or would she be just as disgusted with Thomas as 10k was? Would she help him kill himself or think that he was not quite pathetic or disgusting enough to warrant freedom from living as more object than man? Was Thomas a slave if he was so physically damaged there was nothing he could be forced to do? Besides lie still while Murphy had him over and over. Maybe he would have gotten lucky. Maybe Murphy would get tired of him and leave him to starve in a corner he was too damaged to crawl out of. Or maybe Murphy’s fun with him would result infected wounds that took him in a few quick days of delirious fever. Would Murphy fuck his corpse too, if 10k turned or not? 

“Please- oh god, please, don’t take me back!” 10k cried out, his hands clawing desperately at Doc’s arm, looking for something to stabilize him. That scruffy beard and wrinkled skin. The faint scent of weed that never seemed to fade no matter how long it had been since his last smoke. 10k did not quite settle, but he stopped thrashing and simply curled against Doc’s chest so the old man could hear his racing heart and shuddering breaths. 

“I got you, kid. I’ve got you,” Doc as if given permission wrapped his arms around 10k’s shaking body. 

Whatever state 10k had crumbled into did not disappear after this, but it did ease him out of it. Enough that 10k could eventually see clearly. 

“I’m sorry,” 10k said the words almost on instinct. 

“Please, 10k, please don’t think you need to say that,” Doc spoke softly. 

“I don’t know what’s happening to me,” 10k was pleading. And Doc hated himself for it but Murphy’s words came back to him- _You should’ve heard the sounds he made, doc. Kid hardly speaks, but begging? He can do that for hours._

“It’s okay, kid. You’re safe, alright? Warren and me, we’re not gonna let anybody near you,” Doc didn’t even believe his own words. The damage was done. None of them knew what to do now. 

“Where… where are we?” 10k asked. 

“Some little farmhouse off the road. Couple bodies, but other than that quiet,” Doc told him. 

“I made us stop,” 10k said quietly. 

“10k, we don’t have anywhere to go. We’re just looking right now. And hell, this place isn’t half bad. There’s another cabin a few miles away too. An old barn, a greenhouse. We’ll have some fun checking it out tomorrow, right?” Doc tried to soothe him. 

“Greenhouse…” 10k still seemed unsteady. “Planning on growing weed or zombies in there, doc?” 

“Kid, I think I’d rather grow some vegetables at this point. I am tired of eating out of a can,” Doc said. 

“And no Zs?” 10k frowned. It left him uneasy. Suspicious really. It was a security not to be trusted. 

“We’re in the middle of nowhere Idaho. I don’t think there were any people here pre Z,” Doc said. “Not to mention, if a hoard came through this far up- we passed a bridge on the way here, there’s a ravine covering the south and it’s not like any Zs are gonna make it our way from Canada.” 

“Doesn’t mean it’s safe.” 10k wasn’t sure if he’d always been this jaded or if it was a new development. 

“We’re here just for now. It isn’t a bad spot and Warren thinks that warehouse that Addy told us might be close. Get some solar panels, get another trailer, head back,” Doc realized after the fact that saying ‘head back’ probably wasn’t comforting to 10k now. 

“Warren?” 

“She’s on the front porch, watching the drive,” Doc said, toying with 10k’s hair absentmindedly. 10k seemed to cringe. Doc hurriedly pulled away. 

“You don’t have to stop,” 10k said softly, leaning on Doc’s chest. “I just… I know you’re not him. But sometimes it’s like my body doesn’t realize it.” 

Doc tried not to get distracted in his anger that Murphy had had the audacity to run his hands through 10k’s hair. To pretend to exhibit any form of affection. Doc resumed brushing through his hair almost with a vengeance. 10k needed to know that touch was meant to be a kindness. That what comforted him was not wrong or evil. Doc didn’t even want to think about how damaged the kid’s sense of sexuality was. 

10k still seemed restless. He shifted awkwardly in Doc’s lap. 

“You wanna talk about it?” Doc offered. 

“No,” 10k’s response came too immediately. 

“Okay,” Doc didn’t push. “If you do, y’know.” 

10k wanted to ask Doc if he was weak. If he would remain weak forever. If Doc would ever look at him with that same admiration he’d had so long ago. 10k was vividly reminded of Doc waiting by the truck anxiously only days after they had met until 10k joined him with two canisters of gasoline and Doc had cupped his face and laughed and said _kid, you’re a god!_

Or if 10k would forever feel ashamed that all the love for him was now shadowed in pity. 

“Can I just sleep here?” Was all 10k asked instead. 

“Sure, kid. I got you,” Doc said softly. _I got you_. It was the only comfort he could think to give someone who seemed to be drifting untethered. 

Warren wandered inside intending on waking Doc to take over watch, but it was harder to do when 10k clung to the man and Doc was slumped against the back of the couch, mouth hanging open. Warren would sleep during the day again it seemed. At least 10k had calmed. That was all she could hope for. 

10k woke up on wooden floors. Before in the apocalypse this was nothing short of normal. Even nice compared to dirt. Yet weeks of sleeping curled on the floor at the foot of Murphy’s bed elicited a certain terror. 

10k shot up, staring at the dark room around him. It wasn’t Murphy’s room. It was a living room. Sunlight came through the dirty windows and 10k could see Doc on the porch. 10k got to his feet, careful not to wake Warren on the couch, before joining him. 

“Mornin’ kid,” Doc said. He sat in a rocking chair, feet on a table, and a gun in his lap. “I was waiting for you to get up,” Doc got to his feet. “You want something to eat?” 

10k shook his head. “Why were you waiting for me?” 

“Thought we should check out the buildings,” Doc shrugged. 

“And Warren?” 

“We’ll let her sleep. Nothing’s sneaking up on her,” Doc said. Doc chuckled, “like to see somebody try.” 

10k rolled his eyes goodnaturedly at this and slung his sniper over his shoulder. At which point he and Doc walked down the dirt road towards the greenhouse neighboring the barn. Doc went up to the glass, banging on it to see if a Z would appear on the other side, but through the filthy glass nothing stirred. Doc tried to open the door but the little wooden door seemed welded shut, the knob covered in rust. 10k moved past him and slammed his shoulder into the door, forcing it open. 10k let out a gasp of pain. 

“Jesus, kid, why’d you do that?” Doc asked incredulously. 

10k rubbed his sore shoulder, the wounds on his back twinging painfully. Before, that sort of stunt wouldn’t’ve felt like anything to him. He was still unhealed. 10k, rather than reply, merely shrugged and entered the stuffy and almost boggy atmosphere of the greenhouse. The plant life had run wild. Pouring out of the planter boxes in some places and rotting in others. 

10k stared ahead, looking out to make sure the room was truly empty. Doc instead moved from box to box, looking for labels or any surviving produce. 

“We got some tomatoes, some greens, some ginseng, that’s a little different,” Doc spoke his thoughts aloud. “Most of it is rotted, but the plants aren’t dead yet.” 

10k was surprised at how easily the man settled into the idea of the farm being permanent. 10k’s first thought was where would they store Murphy in all of this? Where would the lab go? Was this place big enough that 10k could live without ever seeing that man again? 

Doc seemed to notice 10k slipping into dark thoughts. “Come on. Let’s go check out the barn. I’m thinking zombie cows.” 

The barn did not have zombie cows, but it did have plenty of modern equipment now covered in dust as well as a large pile of wooden planks. 

“There’s enough here to build a shed,” Doc said. “And I bet Warren could see if these things will still work.” 

“You know how to use a tractor, doc?” 10k teased. 

“No, but I could learn,” Doc feigned a pout. 

“Doc,” 10k thought he might’ve found something that he truly couldn’t believe. As always, they never got this lucky. 

“What is it, kid?” Doc came over to his side and helped him pull away the tarp covering exactly what they were looking for. “Holy _shit_.” There were solar panels. A few of them broken and the wiring was a mess that neither of them could hope to understand, but still. They were there. 

“Guess with a big old green energy plant a few hours away it makes sense to invest,” Doc admitted. 

“You think they’ll work?” 10k asked. 

“Well, Warren is an engineer. She’s good with rigging cars and stuff, bet she could figure this out,” Doc said. 

“So, if we have power out here and we’ve got the trucks, we go back, right?” 10k asked. 

“Well, yeah.” 

“What happens then?” 

Doc frowned. “Well, I expect we’ll have to focus on getting together supplies. It’s getting colder at night now. Fall is coming and that means winter is around the corner. We’ve gotta get ready to hunker down since we won’t be driving through the south for those months like last year.” 

“You think we can find enough food and clean water for three months?” 10k said. 

“No, but we could spend the winter in Murphytown. Wait it out. That kind of community, that kind of structure. Easier to survive,” Doc reasoned. 

10k felt nauseated. “Not easier for everyone,” 10k said quietly. 

Doc paused. “I won’t let him near you. I just won’t,” Doc sounded harsher than his usual light tone. 

10k didn’t know how to explain that this didn’t help. That he _knew_ his family would do everything they could to protect him, but that hadn’t helped him much before and didn’t seem to change anything now. 

“We’ll figure it out when we get there. Maybe we’ll get enough supplies to take with us,” Doc shrugged, hoping to make the boy feel better. 

“Can we go back to the house? Get something to eat now or something?” 10k asked. 

“Yeah, sure kid,” Doc patted 10k’s back far more gently than he would have before discovering the wounds on his back. Among other things. Doc tried not to treat 10k any differently, but it was hard not to try and be careful with him too. To try too hard to make sure he didn’t have to go through any more pain. 

Warren was already up when they returned. 

“Warren! You’ll never guess what the kid found!” Doc said. 

“What? Some oxy?” Warren drawled. 

“No! Solar panels!” Doc was smug. 

“What?” Warren sat up, looking disbelieving. 

“No kidding! What’re the odds? There’s a whole bunch of ‘em in the barn,” Doc said. 

“Are they in good shape? Could we rig them up?” Warren was on her feet. 

“That’s your department, boss,” Doc shrugged. 

“We should check the roof of the house. They might have already put some up. It would be nice to be able to just add some instead of trying to rewire everything,” Warren said. “I can do that, would one of you look for a battery in the basement? Or a generator? Or it might be on the side of the house.” 

“If you’ve got the roof, I can look around the house,” Doc offered. “Kid, you wanna check the basement?” 

“Sure,” 10k shrugged. “You guys already checked for Zs, right?” 10k asked. 

“Well, it was quiet and we made some noise but nothing bit,” Doc shrugged. “Didn’t smell rot either so don’t think there were any bodies to worry about.” 

“Okay, I’ll take the basement,” 10k said. 

Had he grown more paranoid? 10k couldn’t tell the difference between apocalypse paranoia and assault paranoia. Felt like trauma either way. 10k took a flashlight with him. And his gun, of course. The basement was mostly boxes and old furniture as it was unfinished, but there was also a little living area set up. Old carpet with even older couches slapped on top around a TV. The stereo and video game console as well as the empty soda cans still sitting on the coffee table clued him in to that this was where the kids would hang out. Kids around his age. Or at least they had been when the world burned down. Kids that were probably dead now. 

Most of the time the emptiness of the world didn’t affect him. It was just the natural environment now. But sometimes his heart ached for the lives lost and the lives that could have been. What would high school have been like? Would he have had a little group of friends that he drove down to the drugstore with? Would he have gotten into trouble doing stupid things and his father would have to come talk to somebody’s parents? What was it like to get grounded? To get drunk way too young or stress over the ACTs? 10k and Red would never have a clumsy first date at the movie theatre where he wasn’t sure if he could hold her hand or not. 10k would never have to tell his teachers at the start of the year that he went by Tommy, not Thomas. 

On the darker side of things, would it have been harder or easier to deal with what had happened to him in that world? Would his town have been supportive of the seventeen year old from out in the boonies who got raped by an older man? 

Would he have had to deal with his stupid teenage friends tiptoeing around his trauma instead of the soldiers that had now become his family? Would he have seen an actual therapist about the roaring terror that haunted his every waking moment? Would a man like Murphy have been prosecuted? God, what would his _father_ have said? His dad never minded gay people. Said how anyone else lived was their business. But this was entirely different. Horrifically, drastically different. 

Not that any of that mattered. 10k wasn’t going to have to deal with being a male rape victim in a small town any more than he was going to have the chance to go to prom. Or get his highschool diploma. Or get a job. Or pay taxes. Or die old and happy with kids and a partner and a life… 

10k needed to get himself out of this hole. His name was a number for christ’s sake, if that didn’t remind him that the world was different - that _he_ was different - he didn’t know what would. Maybe it was just being in a basement again that was setting his teeth on edge and filling him with gloom reminiscent of confinement and pain. Besides, as far as he could tell there was not a generator or battery down here. Just the boiler and the electrical panel for the lights themselves. So 10k returned to the light. And left the couches and junk downstairs keep collecting dust along with any chance he had for a normal future.


	27. Chapter 27

They were going back. Less than a week away from Murphytown and he was already expected to walk back into that hellhole.

“10k, you still with us?” Doc called back to him where he had remained curled in the truck bed in gloomy silence. 

“Yeah,” 10k called back. He did not elaborate. 

“We’re a couple hours out,” Doc told him. 

“Great,” 10k said replied, sarcasm evident. 

“Addy, come in, Addy. Operation bitemark, checking in,” Warren was making a final call back to the group to make sure their return was expected. 

10k could barely distinguish the staticky words over radio from outside the truck. 

“Addy checking back,” Addy said. “Didn’t burn down the fort while you were away.” 

“What a surprise,” Doc snorted. 

“How is everyone doing?” Warren asked. 

“5k and Lucy are getting along. She thinks he’s funny. I think he’s got a little crush,” Addy said. 

“Poor kid,” Doc teased. 

“How’s Red?” 10k leaned in towards the window. 

“Good. I think she’s getting a little cabin fever here without you,” Addy said. 

10k couldn’t help but smile at that. He’d missed her. 

“Well, we’re getting close,” Warren told her. “How’s the asshole doing?” 

“Bitchy,” Addy replied. “Still on crutches. Will be forever if I have anything to say about it.” 

“He caused any more trouble?” Warren asked. 

A pause of static. “No, actually. He just spends time with Lucy. With me supervising, of course. He talks to his weird little minions and makes sure they’re working, complains that his leg hurts and something isn’t fair, and then spoils his daughter. That’s it.” 

10k didn’t trust that. Not one bit. 

“You think we could put him back in lockup?” Doc asked, obviously wanting to save his boy the heartache of facing the man again. 

“I want to, but Lucy was already upset that he was gone so long, and when she and daddy dearest get irritated, so does the hundred or so followers. Not exactly comforting to piss them off,” Addy said reluctantly. “Still, I’ve done my best to make him miserable. No more royalty treatment, at least.” 

“Has anyone gotten suspicious?” Warren asked. 

“I don’t think so. Sun Mei told them she needed a centrifuge. Which is a weird fancy thing that spins blood and stuff, apparently. She has one, but so far no one has realized that,” Addy told her. “And with you all back today it isn’t a problem. Tell me about what you found.” 

“Don’t want to waste the power, Addy. We’ll talk soon. We’ll be back in a little while,” Warren told her. 

“Fine,” Addy sounded a little disappointed. “Talk later, then.” 

“Over and out.” 

10k felt a jolt of anxiety once Spokane was in sight. More so when the gates of Murphytown appeared on the hill. _Addy was lying. Murphy was threatening her. We’re gonna get up there and Murphy is gonna tie me up in his room. He’s gonna put the others in the cellar. He’s gonna punish me for getting away from him. He’s gonna kill the others and he’s gonna hurt me. Cut out my tongue, break my legs, beat me, touch me. Oh god, he’s gonna touch me again. He won’t kill me, though. I’d never get that lucky._

“10k? You feeling okay?” Doc checked in again, it was his attempt at protecting 10k in any way he could. 

“I’m okay,” 10k said. He wanted to get out of the truck, but it was harder to do when he knew where he’d land. On the same ground he had been dragged across, bound and gagged, unable to cry a warning to those waiting in line for Murphy’s control. 

“10k!” Red shouted out to him. It felt a little easier then. 

“Hey,” 10k had barely gotten out of the truck when Red threw her arms around him. 

“You’re not dead. That’s always good,” Red sighed, head resting on her shoulder and words tickling his ear. 

“Yeah. Heard you were getting bored here,” 10k pulled back so he could look at her head on. She looked good. Well fed and clean, at least by apocalypse standards, and 10k found himself searching her eyes and expression for some shadow. She was okay. 

“God, yes. Addy had me following Lucy around all the time,” Red rolled her eyes. “I just left her in the dining room, probably shouldn’t have,” Red turned around but didn’t let go of 10k’s hand. “Addy has had to deal with Murphy, though. So I guess I’m lucky.” 

“Where is Addy?” 10k asked. And by extent, where was Murphy. 

“She was with Sun Mei and Murphy. Sun is still pricking him to death for blood samples,” Red said. 

Speaking of, Addy now appeared in the courtyard. Murphy did not follow. The redhead first hugged Warren and Doc before running over to her little brother. 

“10k!” Addy pulled him tight in a hug. “The blue bastard is upstairs. Sun is babysitting at the moment.” 

“You okay? Dealing with him?” 10k had to check. 

“Yeah, he’s still a pain in the ass, but you have no idea how satisfying it is to grab one of his crutches before we go downstairs,” Addy spoke fondly. 

“Good to know you were keeping busy,” 10k grinned. Despite his anxieties of being here, he had missed the rest of his family. 

“Yeah, sounds more fun than talking to Lucy about getting bunk beds and her _friends_ from the old farm. Girl talks about zombies like they’re puppies,” Red scoffed. 

“Hey, she just grew up a little differently,” Addy grew defensive. 

“Well, now that we’re back we can give you a break from Murphy watch and spend time with Lucy,” 10k offered. He said ‘we’, but there was no way he’d be spending any time alone with Murphy. He resisted a shudder at the thought. 

“Yeah, Sun has been really good about covering for me when she’s working on him, so it hasn’t been that bad,” Addy shrugged. “But you guys got the truck! You wanna tell us what else?” 

“Yeah, we can,” 10k glanced to Warren and Doc who waved them over. 

“Let’s go up. Check in with Sun Mei on her equipment,” Warren said vaguely. 

“Murphy is up there right now,” Addy warned. 

Doc sighed. “I’ll keep an eye on the bastard while Warren debriefs you guys.” 

“Thanks, Doc,” Warren said. 

“You guys want to get some food? You’ve been on the road a while,” Addy headed for the kitchens, where 5k was sitting up on a counter, digging through the cabinets. The boy hopped down and greeted 10k with a hug. 

“Hey, kid. Thanks for holding down the fort for me,” 10k ruffled his hair. 10k glanced at the blends still working in the house. They still made his skin crawl, like too many eyes were on him. 

Doc headed upstairs right away and 10k realized with some shame that Addy had turned them towards the kitchen so Doc could grab Murphy. All to make sure 10k didn’t have to cross paths with the man. Still, it was nice to eat with his friends in peace. Sun Mei was waiting for them in the lab, new blood samples piled on her lab bench. The group entered and she moved to shut the door behind them. 

“So, I know you got the truck, what about everything else?” Sun Mei asked. 

“We found a little farm house. Super off the grid and more than a few hours away from Spokane,” Warren told her. “The house was already rigged up with solar panels and there’s a well, so fresh water.” 

Sun Mei nodded slowly. “The semi is definitely big enough for all the equipment, but it’s not like we can move it down there without being obvious.” 

Warren frowned. “That was expected. We’ve put off them finding out as much as we could. Not to mention that kind of move is gonna take a lot more preparation than just finding a farm and a truck. Water won’t be so much of a problem as food. I almost think it wouldn’t be right to try and take some of the community’s food stores, and building up our own for the winter alone would take more time and energy than just helping here.” 

“Yeah, but staying here is still dangerous,” Addy frowned. “At this point we’re only guessing at why Murphy hasn’t tried to take back the town. All we have is Sun Mei’s offer to help Lucy and the fact that Murphy actually thinks we have Lucy as a hostage.” 

“No point in getting away from the blends if it means starving to death somewhere else,” Sun Mei pointed out. 

“As long as we don’t split up again,” Red said. 10k definitely agreed. 

“We’ve found food before. We can do it again. On the way out we can head to the Western side of Spokane to get gear for winter and stuff. They haven’t started searching out that way yet,” 10k spoke up. 

“See?” Addy agreed with him. “I’d take my chances somewhere not surrounded by enemies.” 

“We’ll have to discuss this more. At least prepare enough for the first month or so,” Warren said. 

“Until then?” 10k asked. 

“10k, we will make this work. Even if it’s just for the time being,” Warren put a hand on 10k’s shoulder, offering some sort of grounding for him beyond words. 

“You make the rules with this, bud,” Addy told him. “You want to put him back in lockup, we can.” Red seemed puzzled by their caution, but didn’t bring it up. 

“You said it made the blends nervous. Lucy too,” 10k frowned. “Could we keep him there at night? Making someone keep guard every night isn’t fair, but I don’t want him free to sneak around alone…” 

“Yeah, we can do that,” Addy nodded. 

“I’m sorry, you guys shouldn’t be spending so much time catering to me,” 10k couldn’t help but apologize. 

“10k, we wouldn’t let him go wandering off regardless,” Sun Mei told him. “We need to keep an eye on our blood bag.” That was far more comforting than simply telling him it was no trouble, it was justification that alleviated the blame. 

“In the meantime, you should go catch up with Red. Bring us back some fish,” Addy winked before ruffling his hair. 

“Do you want to? I haven’t been able to get away with no one to cover watch for me,” Red said, her hand once again woven with his. 

“Yeah,” 10k was mostly grateful for the excuse to get out of Murphytown again. 

“You don’t look as tired,” Red said as they collected fishing line and supplies for their trip. 

“Yeah, it was good to get away for a minute,” 10k shrugged. 

“And you liked what you found?” Red pushed, speaking carefully in case of prying ears. 

10k nodded. “I think it will work. I just hope there’s enough space that I don’t feel so… boxed in.” 

“Like you do here?” 

“Yeah, like I do here,” 10k knew that Red was aware that there was something wrong, even as she tried not to pester him. 

“Well, come on then. I haven’t been outside the fence since before you guys left,” Red led him by the hand down the slope towards the woods and in the distance, the river. 

Layers of red cloth pulled behind her in the breeze, reaching back and tickling his hand which remained attached to hers. And 10k was once again rendered weak by how beautiful she was. A smudge of dirt on her neck, her hair a little greasy and tangled in a braid, her boots filthy and the stains on her clothes that was some mud and some blood. Her club strapped to her back, gun at her hip, a bucket in her right hand for the fish. He was glad to spend the day with her. 

A semi human noise of discontent reached them from back up the hill. 5k came running after them. 

“Aw, we weren’t trying to leave you out!” Red called to her baby brother. 

The boy ran ahead, weaving between the trees. 

“Keep up, 10k,” Red teased. They were deeper in the woods now, traversing down a slight slope towards the water’s edge. Rocky beach, cold water, but ideally fish. 

It was calming to reach the water. To have a reel of fishing line in his hands and to know what he was doing. 

“5k and I can look for bait,” Red offered. 10k gave her a nod and settled on top of a rock, untangling the line and giving it a hook. The water glistened in the midday sun and it was the kind of scene where you could almost forget the world had ended. If not for the gun strapped to his back and the fact that he was not relaxed, not really. Part of his mind still listened for the dead. 

“Here,” Red shoved the bucket in his direction, a mix of worms and beetles were scattered across the bottom. 5k proudly added fistfuls of his own catch to the bucket. The kid had managed to cover himself in dirt and leaves sticking to his skin. Red didn’t even seem to notice the mud covering her hands now. It didn’t mean much anyways. There would always be dirt underneath your fingernails in this life. 

Once the line was cast, obligation and tension faded into the backdrop. 10k could leave Murphytown and Murphy himself in the shadows. Red sat on the ground in front of the rock, leaning back onto his legs, braiding fine chords together to make a rope. 10k kept one eye on the water and the other on her hands. Through her fingerless gloves she worked so carefully. The weight of her back leaning against him was comforting. 

Not far away, by the treeline, 5k continued to search the bushes, aiming his slingshot at whatever took his attention. 

10k, almost on instinct, jerked the line in the moment it moved. A thin trout jerked on the rocks. Red grabbed it and tossed it in the bucket. The waiting game resumed. 

“5k,” Red called the boy over. “You see those blueberry bushes in the woods?” He nodded. “How about you go get some for us? And be smart. You know what you can eat and what you can’t.” 

5k was already on his way back to the woods. 

“And keep an eye out for Zs!” She called after him again. 10k worried her shouting might have disturbed the waters, but he was too fond to chastise her for it. They had all day. And with food stores for the community, looking for fresh food was a luxury, not a requirement. 

10k focused on the water. Red focused on her work. 

“10k?” Red spoke, and the caution in her voice was enough to pull 10k towards dread. 

“Yeah?” 

“There’s something you aren’t telling me,” Red began slowly. 10k cringed. “And you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but… I’m worried about you. You’re… different.” 10k said nothing. Red took it as her cue to continue. “Something happened between you and Murphy. I know you never liked him, but lately it’s like you’re _afraid_ of him. I wanna help you, 10k. I’m just not sure how.” 

“What did you think, when you found me again? By the dam?” 10k asked. He wasn’t sure if it was a distraction or if he thought there was something to be gained from the question. 

Red paused, thinking as she continued to occupy her hands with the braiding. “I thought you looked sick. Like, really sick. And you were really scared and jumpy. And you seemed so confused. By me, by 5k, Sun Mei too.” 

“Did I ever explain it?” 10k asked quietly. “The fogginess, why.” 

“No.” 

“When Murphy bites people…” 10k’s hand went to his neck almost compulsively. “He can control them. Gets in their heads. Got in _my_ head.” 

Red turned around so she could look at him, so much worry and thought laid in a single gaze. 

“I didn’t _want_ his cure,” 10k’s lip curled in disgust. “I got shot and ended up on this submarine… that part is still blurry. But Murphy was there. He took me, it was sinking but still, he didn’t just get me out he _kept_ me. He didn’t let me leave. Go back to Warren and Doc and Addy…” 

“God, 10k,” Red spoke quietly, horror rising. This was nothing, what he had told her so far, was _nothing_. “I’m so sorry, I should’ve realized there was more to it. I just never thought he’d, y’know, actually _abducted_ you. I thought this was just, you going through a crisis or something. Like you’d gotten in too deep and weren’t sure of yourself anymore.” 

10k nodded a little grudgingly. “You could say that.” 10k didn’t know how far he wanted to go. What he could tell her without breaking what they had. 

“He could’ve gotten you killed,” Red said. “On the dam, you could’ve died for him. Because of what he wanted you to do.” 

10k felt a little sick. She was right, but because of how much bad had happened to him, little things like being forced to fight his war felt so small in comparison. “There are things that happened because of this,” 10k’s voice shook and everything inside of him told him to keep his mouth shut. Keep all that pain beneath the surface. That way it hurts less. “Because of the bite, because of Murphy, that…” 

“That are why Murphy should be locked up,” Red finished the thought for him, saving him from having to explain the details. “Again, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. Just know I’m here. When, if, you’re ever ready.” 

10k felt choked with emotion. He was glad that Red had found an excuse to send 5k away as he couldn’t bring himself to break down in front of the boy. 

“10k?” Red sounded a little shocked that her stoic, unshakable sniper was now shaking with sobs. 

She got up and sat beside him, putting an arm around him and pulling him close. She didn’t say anything. Didn’t try to whisper words of comfort, simply held him and let him cry into her shoulder. 10k hated feeling weak. He didn’t want people to worry or to need support, but the fact of the matter was he needed it. He needed Red to hold him and to understand and to not ask too many questions. 

Still, how was he supposed to tell her why he was so broken? 

Another fish was tugging on the line. 10k pulled away, taking the chance to wipe his eyes and focus on a task instead of his own embarrassment. Red let him move on. Didn’t demand answers or closure, just let him be. 

“Hey, 5k. You got enough to share?” Red called to the boy, giving 10k some warning to make sure he looked composed. 

5k’s hands were already sticky and stained purplish red from the berries, not to mention his chin. Still, he offered a small pile to the pair of them. 5k leaned over 10k’s shoulder, staring at the water with him. 

“You wanna try?” 10k asked softly, spoken to keep the shakiness left from his tears unheard. 

5k nodded and took ahold of the line. 10k moved so the boy would take his seat and helped him keep it steady. Red watched her boys and kept braiding the rope. Not with the goal of making something useful, but simply so she could occupy herself with something other than the secrets her boyfriend kept from her. They were his to keep, but Red wanted to know how bad it was, if there was a way to pull him back from the fear that haunted his eyes. 

“Welcome back, doc,” that droll tone spitting his name like an insult. 

Doc hated babysitting. If it meant that 10k could reunite with his friends in peace, he would deal with the smug bastard gladly. 

“Come on, checkup’s over,” Doc grabbed him by the arm, yanking him off of Sun Mei’s chair with little regard to his bandaged leg. “The others will be up to talk soon, Sun Mei,” Doc told the woman with far more kindness. “Doing okay?” 

“Better now that you’re taking him off my hands,” Sun Mei said with a smile and a nod of thanks. 

Murphy managed to grab his crutches before Doc shoved him into the hallway. The last time these two men had come face to face Doc had put a gun to his head and Murphy had done everything he could to make him pay for it. 

“Aw, didn’t you miss me, doc?” Murphy sneered. “Where’s everyone else?” He turned towards the stairs. “Feel like we left things off with some tension. And it’s been so boring here with Addy breathing down my neck.” 

Doc tried to ignore his words and dragged him down the hall by one arm. Murphy had to hop awkwardly on his good leg to keep up. It didn’t seem to dissuade him from talking, though. 

“How’s Thomas doing-” Murphy didn’t get to finish his sentence before the old man slammed him into the wall of his own office. He let out a gasp of pain which devolved into a laugh. 

“You don’t use that name, you understand me?” Doc said. It was almost frightening to Doc, how easily he turned to anger. The kind of anger that sent his heart racing and yearned to burst forth into more blows against Murphy’s face. This man had tortured his kid and still had the audacity to taunt him. 

Murphy still grinned back at him. “Aw, but I miss my little pet. It gets _so_ boring without someone to play with.” Doc raised the hand that wasn’t holding Murphy against the wall but before he could decide what he was going to do Murphy kept talking. “What’re you gonna do? Bully me?” He said dryly. “You know you can’t _really_ hurt me. And not just because they need me alive. You go too far, I might just ask one of my people to elicit consequences. You have leverage over me, but I’ve got plenty over you.” That coldness behind the man’s eyes told Doc he wasn’t bluffing. At least not enough that Doc could wipe that smug look of Murphy’s face permanently. Doc could punish Murphy, to an extent, but not enough. Never enough to make up for what he had done. 

Doc wondered if Addy had been dealing with these frustrations the past days as well. Doc stopped holding Murphy against the wall and instead threw him to the floor, Murphy barely catching himself on his desk and easing back onto one of the chairs. Still, Doc got some satisfaction at the man rubbing his elbow which had hit the wood hard. 

“We used to be friends, Doc. You remember that?” Murphy said. No longer taunting or making digs at 10k, but any word from him set Doc’s teeth on edge. “Playing cards, complaining about all those stupid fighters. We’re not fighters, are we, Doc?” Murphy laughed. “Well, at least I’m not. Not so sure about you anymore.” A pause. Doc tried to ignore him. “Why’d that have to change?” 

Murphy pretending to be ignorant of his evil deeds was almost worse than him gloating. 

“You have a daughter,” the words rose up almost against Doc’s bidding, his voice taut with emotion. 

This actually managed to render Murphy silent, at least for the moment. 

“You’ve got a kid who you actually seem to care about, and you still act like…” Doc couldn’t find a fitting description to the pathetic man before him. “This. Whatever this is,” Doc didn’t even sound angry anymore. Just tired. “Maybe I didn’t raise him, maybe he doesn’t share my blood, but that kid is mine and you hurt him.” Doc pointed accusingly at the coward in front of him. “I guess you really aren’t human anymore, ‘cause I don’t know how you can love your daughter and defend what you did to my kid at the same time. Your girl deserves better. The fact that we don’t want to hurt someone like you did is the only thing stopping us from telling her what you are. Don’t forget that your relationship with your daughter, you owe it to _us_. Talking about leverage… we could ruin whatever it is that you and Lucy have like _that_.” He snapped his fingers and Murphy stared at him with a wary understanding. “But I could never hurt some kid like you did. Guess you should be grateful for that, right?” 

Leverage. That was what all of this was about. Doc was right, but it would have been better if Murphy had never considered that these people wouldn’t hurt Lucy. That his daughter wasn’t in any real danger. That maybe Murphy hated 10k more than he feared for his daughter's life.


	28. Chapter 28

10k was awoken by a sharp poke between his shoulder blades. He sat up with a start, the dark figure standing by his bunk causing his heart to race as Murphy came to mind. 10k relaxed slightly upon realizing that it was not Murphy. Not by much though, since the man standing there did have a gun pointed at him.

The man motioned for 10k to get up, pressing a finger against his lips. Quiet. 10k climbed down from the bunk, making a conscious effort to shake the metal in the hopes that the slight noise and movement might wake someone. As far as he could tell no one stirred. Dread. 

10k recognized the man in the dark by his limp. The limp that 10k had given him the last time they met. It was McClair. The man already had reasoning to want to hurt 10k, but 10k also had a feeling that McClair wasn’t doing this on his own. Murphy was still working the strings. They moved silently through the house. It seemed as if the house was empty except for the two of them in all this dark quiet. His captor turned on a small lantern in the kitchen, casting dull yellow light between them. 

“Good to see you again, Thomas,” McClair spoke softly, lest they be overheard by one of the humans on the other side of the house. “I appreciate you not snitching about my… involvement to your helicopter parents.” It was much harder to believe his sincerity with a gun still aimed at 10k’s chest. 

“Still not a talker, huh? Guess we weren’t very successful then,” McClair’s humor proved that the man still had no remorse. His grip on the handgun shifted. 10k felt sick with nerves. He didn’t want to die. 

“What do you want?” 10k asked, resisting the urge to back away from the man in case that was taken as an excuse to pull the trigger. 

“Me?” McClair scoffed. “I want some fucking respect.” 10k was uneasy at how carelessly he waved the gun around. Yet not carelessly enough that he could make a grab for it. “I want to stop avoiding that bitch walking around like she owns the place. She leaves behind two of her little tramps and a fucking feral rat to torment the man who built this place. None of your little _family_ know their proper place. Your women are violent and your men are weak. That _Lieutenant_ should never have been given authority over hardworking, white soldiers. The United States government was already making a mess of the world and she shouldn’t keep that title now.” 

10k’s caution was covered by anger. “You don’t talk about them like that,” 10k was already moving forward, hands balled into fists, logic drowned in the insults the man spat at his loved ones. 

“Ah,” McClair straightened, tutting him quietly, the barrel of the gun now pressing against 10k’s forehead. An amused smirk stood out in the gloom. This was a man obsessed with the power he forced over people. McClair flinched, seeming to grow far away for a moment. “But it doesn’t matter what I want.” Murphy was back in control. “You’ve had enough fun. It’s time for things to right themselves.” 

10k was still unsure of what was happening. Where this was going, why he was there. 

“I don’t need to explain anything to you,” McClair said. “I could just do it. Hurt you, call down your family, and make sure no one gets in our way.” McClair stepped even closer, the gun pressed against 10k’s throat, enough that he leaned back. 10k refused to look the man in the eyes, instead he remained focused on the dark ceiling above him even as the cold metal pressed against his neck painfully. “You know it didn’t _have_ to be you. We could have taken the kid hostage. Or your little girlfriend. But Murphy _wanted_ it to be you.” McClair laughed. “Murphy says it’s gonna break doc’s heart.” 

“Shut up,” 10k couldn’t hold back the words through gritted teeth. 

McClair laughed. “Honestly, neither of us can believe that you’re still this spitfire. Maybe eventually we’ll actually manage to fix that.” 

“What’re you doing?” 10k asked, he had hit the kitchen counter, still pressing himself back away from the gun and the beast behind it. “What’re your people planning?” 

“Murphy thinks Warren would let you die,” McClair said and out of all the threats it was those words that hurt him. 10k’s stomach twisted at the thought that he was right. Still, wasn’t that the responsible thing to do? His family’s devotion to each other had to come at a price. “For the cure, she’d do anything. The thing is, it isn’t just her, is it? Doc wouldn’t let you die. Addy wouldn’t hurt Lucy. So we’re gonna hurt you, Thomas.” That name was like reopening an old wound. 10k just wanted to get past that gun so he could take the man down. 10k was not the vulnerable, terrified kid he had been a few weeks ago. He was freed, well fed, and loved. He was not going to take this lying down. Whatever was to come. 

“We’re gonna have a whole lot of _fun_ together,” just as 10k had been backing away, McClair moved forward, pinning him against the counter. “And I know you’re not gonna stop us.” _Us_. Of course it was _us_. Murphy, even locked in the cellar, was just as much a part of this. “You’re not gonna try and stop me, because I’m the one with the gun,” McClair still spoke quietly, but he was far too close and every word seemed to press in on his ears. “Oh, not because you’re that scared to die, I don’t think anyone is anymore, but because firing a gun makes a whole lot of noise, doesn’t it?” 10k finally looked at him, jaw set, brow furrowed, wary of whatever he was going to say next. “Your family would come running, wouldn’t they?” McClair hummed, pressing the gun under 10k’s chin, forcing his head back painfully. “You don’t want them to see me fucking your corpse, do you?” 

Of course this wouldn’t be easy. 10k was always comfortable with guns. They were security in this dying world. Something he could handle with the utmost confidence. It was a shame how easily one also rendered him powerless. 

“So, I’m supposed to be a hostage, huh?” 10k said coldly. “Why wait? Why not start threatening them now?” 

“Not as much fun,” McClair smirked. “Easier to scare people when the person you’re holding onto is already bloody. They start causing trouble, I’ll have plenty of wounds to dig into.” 

“You’re both cowards. Murphy, I can’t believe you’re risking Lucy’s life- for what? Spite? A little authority?” 10k spat. “It’s pathetic.” 

McClair’s free hand balled into a fist and slammed into 10k’s nose, causing him to reel back against the counter for support, blinded by the pain as hot blood began to gush down his face. After the punch McClair yanked on his collar, pulling him closer. 

“I am doing this _for_ her you little psychopath,” that malicious snarl was definitely more Murphy than McClair. 

“God, I hate you,” 10k said. He was tired of cowering. “I will kill you, Murphy. Maybe I’ll just have to kill your puppet for now, but one day I _will_ kill you. Don’t worry, though. I’ve got more decency than you. I’ll make sure Lucy isn’t there. And I won’t tell her about it. You see, I don’t brag about who I kill, Murphy. I do count, though. You didn’t get to take that away from me,” 10k spoke the words harshly, his voice muddled by his nose full of blood. 

McClair yanked him by his shirt, throwing him against the tile hard enough to knock the wind out of him. Before 10k could catch his breath the man straddled his waist, pinning him to the ground, and forced the gun between his lips. “Stop _talking_ ,” he was breathing heavily, flushed with anger. “You don’t have the right. Acting all defiant, you should be _begging_ us to stop.” 

10k, now temporarily gagged, could only glower at the man. Still, his heart was racing. 10k could fight him off, surely? He could get his hands on that gun. Get help, stop things from going too far, whatever that meant. When was 10k planning on fighting back? As of, 10k had done nothing to defend himself. No risky ploy to snatch the gun from his captor’s hands. Not even an attempt at running for it. 

McClair got off of him, 10k moved to sit up, keeping his hands slightly raised as McClair seemed to grow even more aggressive if 10k did anything besides go along with it. Still, 10k did not make it to sitting up as McClair kicked him in the side, causing him to curl inward on the ground, gasping as his ribs throbbed. 10k tried to sit up again, feeling even more vulnerable. 10k had barely moved before he took another kick to the stomach. 10k stayed on the ground, waiting for him to make the next move. He had learned by now how to avoid goading violence, even if it took some work to hold his tongue. 

“Get up,” McClair said. 

10k stared up at him with narrowed eyes. He slowly got to his feet, one hand on the edge of the counter behind him. Good thing too, because McClair’s next kick took his knees out from under him, so he hit the ground again anyways. 

“Come on, get up,” McClair said with a crooked grin. “I said get up.” McClair yanked him to his feet, throwing him back against the counter. He let go only to land another blow on 10k’s face. Skin broke on his cheek. 

“Turn around.” 

“No.” 

“I said turn around,” McClair raised the gun, not looking to shoot but rather to hit him with it, and 10k snapped. 

The gun finally wasn’t on him and he lunged forward, both hands grabbing onto the man’s left hand and trying to pry the gun from his grip. McClair actually seemed surprised, but it didn’t last when he threw his body against 10k’s, slamming him into the wall. 10k refused to let go. The man’s free hand landed another punch against 10k’s right eye, his other hand still holding onto the gun far too tightly. 10k’s vision was blurred by pain, blood still pouring from his face, his chest aching, and utterly refusing to quit. 

McClair landed a kick against 10k’s leg, not against his knee like 10k had done to him, which was probably the only thing that saved 10k from a broken bone. It did not stop 10k from crying out and almost collapsing. 10k threw himself forward with all his body weight, knocking McClair to the ground. 10k still desperately tried to yank the gun from his iron grip while also ensuring that it was not aimed at him. 

10k was on top of him now, keeping the gun away from him with one hand and trying to break the arm holding it with the other. McClair’s free arm was lunging upwards at 10k’s face, trying to tear at it. It was a chaotic struggle in the dark. McClair fueled by anger, 10k by desperation. 10k actually managed to pry McClair’s fingers off of the trigger but the victory was short lived as McClair had grabbed onto 10k’s shirt once again and threw him back hard. 10k’s head collided with the edge of the counter and his vision went black. 

He must’ve only been out properly for a few seconds, but when he came to McClair was dragging him to his feet and the right side of his head was hot from the blood now pouring from the wound there. He was so dizzy now. His limbs felt weak and his vision remained blurry. There was cold metal pressed into the back of his neck. A weighty reminder against the scar already there from Murphy’s bite. 

“It’s like you want me to hurt you,” McClair muttered. His body was pressed far too close to 10k, who leaned against the counter, his palms flat against it as he focused on staying conscious. 10k was still under the delusion that he could somehow fend of McClair in this state. McClair reached around 10k’s waist and began to fumble with the button of his pants. 

“N-No…” 10k’s words came out slurred. “D-Don’t touch me…” He moved to kick back at the man pinning him against the counter. He was stopped with a cry of pain by McClair tearing at the scabbing wounds on his back, drawing more blood. 

“Stop. Fighting. Murphy already wants me to be rough, at this point I might just kill you anyways,” McClair spoke harshly in his ear, the one that was not stinging from the head wound and clogged with blood. 

10k thought he might be sick as McClair slid his hands over 10k’s body and continued to press in way too close. It felt more like Murphy was with him now. And there was only one place this could lead. 

Yet McClair stopped. He did not take off 10k’s clothes and touch him further, instead, he collapsed to the ground much like 10k feared he was about to. 10k remained frozen, tense, still relying on the counter in front of him to support his body, waiting for something to go horribly wrong. After several more seconds of nothing but silence, 10k slowly turned. 

5k stood in the doorway, slingshot now resting in his left hand. McClair was on the ground with blood coming from his own head wound. 5k stared. Not at the unconscious man on the floor or even the many wounds marring 10k’s body, instead he glanced from the pants now loose on 10k’s hips to the man on the floor with a confused sort of anxiety. 

“‘m okay,” 10k told him, turning away to compose himself. His hands were shaking. More relief than fear now. “Could you… can you go get the others for me?” He asked the boy, staggering slightly as he leaned down to take the gun from the floor. 5k nodded dutifully before running off towards the other side of the house. 

10k collapsed against the counter again, one hand covering his face as he fought back sobs and struggled to steady his breathing. He was okay. He’d gotten the shit beaten out of him, but still. He was okay. Still, 10k knew tormenting him was a small part of a bigger plan for Murphy. 

“10k?!” Of course 5k woke Red first. She was followed by Doc and Warren. 

“I’m okay,” it was all 10k could manage to say. 

“Are you serious?!” Red said, going to support him as it was clear he was on the verge of collapse. 

“What happened?” Doc asked, going to his other side. 10k could finally collapse, relax in the arms of people who wouldn’t let him get hurt. “10k, you still with us?” 10k was aware enough to feel ashamed for causing that fear in Doc’s voice. 

“Murphy’s gonna do something…” 10k managed. “Take back the house…” 

“Shit, Red- go get Addy. Outside Lucy’s room. Tell her to take Lucy too,” Warren said. “10k, is there anything else you can tell us?” 

“I… I dunno…” 10k felt so tired. 

“Come on, Warren, we’ve gotta get out of here,” Doc said. “We’ve put it off, but we cannot stay here.” 

“Goddamnit, I think you’re right,” Warren was thinking hard. “Addy is gonna take Lucy. Somewhere far off with Sun Mei. We’ll stay back, get everything in the truck.” 

“10k needs to go too. He isn’t safe here,” Doc said sharply. 

“Okay, okay, I know,” Warren was guiding them out to the yard. Doc carefully put 10k in the back seat of a van. 

“You’re gonna be okay, kid,” Doc said hoarsely. “We’re leaving.” 

“Addy! Sun! Come here,” Warren called them over. “Lucy, honey, we aren’t safe here anymore. So you’re gonna go with Addy until we can get your daddy too.” 

“Why?” Lucy asked. “Is my dad in trouble?” 

“Yeah,” Doc muttered, his meaning quite different. 

“Lucy, we’ll protect you, but you’ve got to trust me, okay?” Addy said. 

Sun Mei got into the seat next to 10k, inhaling through her teeth at the sight of him. Lucy got in the front, Addy in the driver’s side. 10k bit back a whimper as Sun Mei began carefully checking over the wound on his head. 

“We don’t check in in an hour over the radio, you keep moving,” Warren said. “Find a hospital, or a lab, and once you do... 10k should be able to help get you to the house.” 

“One hour. Got it,” Addy nodded grimly. 10k let out a gasp of pain as the car started moving over the gravel. He worried one of McClair’s kicks might’ve broken a rib. 

“D-Doc…?” 10k inquired. “Red and 5k, are they-” 

“They’ll be following us soon,” Sun Mei lied. She had no idea how hard it might be for the rest of their group to bust out of Murphytown. Still, it was enough consolation for 10k in his exhaustion. Unconsciousness tempted him easily even through the fear. “10k, you’ve got to stay awake. Your head- you can’t fall asleep, okay?” Sun Mei shook him gently. “Please, focus on me.” 

Even that got harder as a warm darkness misted the edge of his vision. “10k, talk to me,” Sun Mei shook him again. The pain was enough to bring him back. 

“He was gonna kill me… He was gonna…” 10k mumbled. 

“Something else, maybe?” Sun Mei said as her patient grew more panicked. “Where are you at? In your count, what number?” 

“Five thousand… two hundred thirty six,” 10k managed. 

“Shit, had no idea you were _that_ high,” Sun said. 10k replied with a harsh, cracked laugh that hurt his ribs even more. 

“Starting to think I won’t live to see ten thousand.”


	29. Chapter 29

10k managed to stay awake for the first hour of the drive. At which point Sun Mei said he could rest, but she’d have to wake him to make sure he was okay every few hours. Even those waking moments were vague, Sun Mei making sure he could hold a conversation and his eyes were dilating, before letting him collapse again, lulled by the hum of the engine and the whispers of his friends.

10k woke properly that night after the sun had set and they had stopped the van on the side of the road. 

“Did they radio back?” Was his first question for an exhausted Addy. 

“Yeah. They’re okay. They’ll try and follow by tomorrow,” Addy yawned. 

“And… Murphy?” 10k forced himself to ask. 

“Manageable. Freaked out when he realized…” Addy glanced to the car where Lucy remained curled in the front seat, asleep. “Lucy was gone. And they’re gonna get him here blindfolded to make sure he doesn’t give a trail back to the blends.” 

“Do you think Lucy might accidentally tell them something?” 10k asked. 

“She slept for half the drive. On the off chance she does, they’d be missing a whole lot of our path,” Addy told him. “And tomorrow you’re gonna have to start telling us how to get to the farm. I’ve just been aiming for northeast and Idaho.” 

“Okay, I can do that,” 10k nodded. “Go to sleep, Sun Mei and I can keep watch.” 

“Thanks, 10k. You really had us worried there for a minute,” Addy reached out and gave his hand a squeeze before standing to go lay down in the back seat. 

“How’s that head?” Sun Mei asked, laying down more firewood. 

“Hurts,” 10k admitted. The side of his head throbbed, but it had stopped bleeding. 

“Makes sense,” Sun Mei told him. “I don’t think you have a concussion, though. Maybe a very minor one,” she frowned. “I wouldn’t do anything too taxing for a while.” 

“Yeah, physical activity is easy to avoid in the apocalypse,” 10k said sarcastically. 

The radio crackled to life with static. 

“Operation Bitemark, checking in,” Warren’s voice came from the car. 

Sun Mei jumped to her feet. They weren’t supposed to check back until the morning. 

“Copy,” Sun Mei replied. 

“Just letting you know we’re leaving now. We got packed a lot faster than we thought. Might be able to join you,” Warren said. 

“Oh, good,” Sun Mei sounded genuinely relieved, proving how anxious they all truly were about the whole affair. “A peaceful exit?” 

“Relatively,” Warren said. “How’s 10k?” 

“Not bad. I don’t think he has a concussion,” Sun Mei said. 

“Good,” Warren said. “Doc hurt his hand, but other than that no new injuries to report.” 

“How hurt are we talking?” Sun Mei asked. 10k stood up. 

“Split skin, bruised knuckles, nothing broken,” Warren said. 

“How’re Red and 5k?” 10k came over to the car. 

“Good. I mean, 5k was a little shaken up, but he’s okay now,” Warren told him. “Alright, we’ll check back in the morning. Might meet on the way or just rendezvous at the farm.” 

“Okay. Talk later, over and out,” Sun Mei put down the radio and returned to the fireside. “Okay, they’re good. They’re on their way,” she seemed to be comforting herself as much as 10k. 

“You want to get some sleep?” 10k asked cautiously. 

“I’m fine,” was Sun Mei’s sharp retort. “We can’t guarantee you’ll keep awake, so best I stay up with you.” 

“Okay,” 10k returned to the fire, letting the warmth return to him even as the chill grew worse. Autumn was here. They had to prepare for winter desperately now. 

“How’re you feeling, 10k?” Sun Mei asked again. 

“My head hurts, I said,” 10k frowned. 

“You know that isn’t what I mean,” Sun Mei told him. “How’re you _feeling?_ ” 

10k didn’t know what to make of Sun. She was a little stiff in her focus. Not one for humor, in the short span of time he’d known her. Still, she had been empathetic towards him from the beginning. She had told Warren to stop, to see if he was still in there, when they had had that confrontation underneath the dam so long ago. 

If Murphy had succeeded, Sun Mei would probably be his only surviving company. At least until her job of helping Lucy was completed. That was a whole different sort of hypothetical that 10k would prefer not to confront. 10k trusted her well enough. But definitely not enough to explain the fact that 10k had not relaxed at all since leaving Murphy town. His hands got shaky very easily and 10k was completely ignoring what had led to their hasty exit. 

“I’m dealing,” was the most reasonable answer 10k could manage to give Sun Mei. 

“Okay,” Sun added more wood to the fire. “You’re dealing,” she repeated. 

Quiet. The kind that neither party felt the need to fill. 10k eventually took his gun with him and paced the edge of the firelight, looking for movement. Zombie or otherwise. It did not ease his anxiety. 

Morning came eventually. Sun Mei ordering ‘as his doctor’ for 10k to get some sleep in the early hours before dawn. 

He was awoken by more chatter on the radio some time later. His family would be arriving soon. They would meet on the same highway. 10k didn’t know why he was so anxious. They had checked in. Everyone was safe. He would believe it when he saw it. 

Even when the truck joined them, and he counted out Doc, Warren, Red, and 5k he did not lose that anxiety. 

“10k,” Doc went to him the moment they stopped. “How’re you feeling, you okay?” 

“Fine- are _you?_ ” 10k referred to doc’s right hand, which had a bandage wrapped around his knuckles. 

Doc let out a nervous sort of laugh, “never thought I’d have to start watching my temper,” he subconsciously hid the wounded hand behind his back in embarrassment. “But, hey, could’ve been worse.” 

“Warren, where is…?” Addy let the question hang in the air. 

“In the back. He’s not going anywhere,” Warren told her, she went to 10k’s side as well, cupping his cheeks tenderly. “Hey, sweet pea, how’re you feeling?” 

“Okay. Headaches, but other than that, all better,” 10k said with a half smile. 

“No one followed?” Sun Mei asked. 

“Nope. Wouldn’t dare,” Warren said. 

Red went to 10k’s side, obviously trying not to look worried. “You okay?” She spoke softly, oddly emotional now. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good,” 10k grew embarrassed as Red fussed over him. 

“You scared me there,” Red brushed carefully over the wound on 10k’s head. “I’m guessing that guy on the ground, Murphy had something to do with it?” 

“Yeah,” 10k said. 

“Doc broke his nose. Murphy’s,” Red told him. 

“Of course he did,” 10k smiled. 

They arrived within just a few headache filled days, as there hadn’t been the detour to get the truck, and 10k was comforted by how difficult it was to find the road that finally turned off into the property. Doc parked the truck halfway down the drive so it was away from the house. 10k had yet to see or hear any sign of Murphy, and no one was bothered leaving him locked up alone for a little while longer. 

“Not too bad, guys,” Addy said as they approached the house. It seemed no one else had taken up residence, but they still got out of the car armed. 

The house was unchanged. The pillows that they had slept on on the floor were still there. Lucy tried a lightswitch. 

“I thought you said there’d be power?” She frowned. 

“We’ve got to get it set up first, so don’t whine,” Addy grabbed her and mussed up her hair, which was met with even grouchier protesting. 

“The taps work,” Sun Mei had also given some levers a try and was shocked when she turned on the faucet. The water first ran a rusty brown before clearing. 

“There’s a well. You can see the wellhouse out back,” 10k pointed through the back window to the shed about a hundred yards out by the treeline. 

5k pulled Red upstairs, going to investigate the house. Addy started combing over the pantry, but they had taken everything they’d found initially for the return home. 

“We’re definitely gonna have to do some scavenging later,” Addy said. “10k, do you wanna lay down for a bit?” 

“No,” 10k said stiffly. “I’m fine.” 

“Okay, tough guy, wanna show us around instead?” Addy teased. “After that I’m thinking we should check out the nearest town, look for food. Don’t wanna waste the day.” 

“Okay, yeah,” 10k felt far more willing to do something, to be active, than to sit around waiting to recover. 

“These’re the solar panels?” Addy asked once the two of them entered the barn. 

“Yeah,” 10k said, instead going over to the stack of wooden boards covering the left side of the building. 

“You planning on building a shed?” Addy joked. 

“No,” 10k was thinking, though. 

He wanted to be busy. He also liked the idea of having his own space. Once the rest of their group arrived, the house would hold eight people, as 10k was confident Murphy would not be allowed inside. That was still pretty crowded. 10k liked the idea of having his own space. 

“There are some big trees out there in the woods,” 10k said. “I’m thinking treehouse.” 

“Whoa, getting a little ahead of yourself, there, 10k,” Addy said. “We’ve got shit to do. We need food, and to get the power running. And you should probably take it easy for a while.” 

“I know, I know,” 10k sighed. “Can we keep going, then? Look for supplies?” 

“Sure,” Addy agreed, noting how her friend seemed unable to sit still. 

The next town over had little dead as it probably had little people pre-z. Still, killing those that remained was something to do. Only a few hours into searching and shooting and 10k was sore. His back and shoulder ached and his head had been hurting off and on during the day. He did not admit this, though. 10k was determined to push forward. It had been weeks since those initial injuries, but they still hurt. 10k tried to ignore it, despite him starting to worry that this sort of pain was just a part of his life now. 

10k, Addy, Red, and 5k returned from their hunting with over a dozen cans, some batteries, blankets, and most importantly, an RV. It was already rigged up with solar panelling and was a livable space to keep their prisoner. Addy said they could probably strip a lot of the furniture and could plug in the equipment. It would be a lot easier than trying to hook up the semi trailer to the power. Not to mention trying to work in a stuffy metal box did not sound effective. Back at the house Warren was sorting through the solar panels and Sun Mei was in the trailer trying to put the lab together. 10k had not seen the man but apparently Murphy was chained to a chair as of. 

“Where’d you guys find that?” Doc asked as they parked outside the house. 

“In front of some mcmansion,” Addy told him. “What’ve you been doing?” 

“I’ve been a fuckin’ cinderella. Trying to make this house a home,” doc gestured behind him to the house. He had wiped the living room of dust, shaken out the rugs, and washed the front windows so far. 

“You poor dear,” Addy said dryly. “ _I’m_ going to help Warren set up the solar panels,” Addy put an arm around 10k’s shoulder, “and 10k here can help you with cleaning. Right?” 

“Thanks for that,” 10k said sarcastically. Still, better than his family coddling him and asking him if he needed to go take a nap. 

“Red, 5k, you guys wanna help too?” Doc asked hopefully. 

“Fine,” Red rolled her eyes. 5k went running upstairs, returning a few minutes later looking irritated. “Hey, where’s Lucy? Looks like 5k is missing his girlfriend,” Red teased. 

“With her dad and Sun Mei,” Doc said, seeming a bit bitter about the fact. “How about you guys start checking out the upstairs? We need…” Doc started counting off on his fingers. “Six bedrooms at least, if we’ve got ‘em.” 

“Eight,” 10k frowned. “There’s eight of us, right?” 

“Oh, well,” Doc looked a little sheepish. “I sort of assumed you and Red would bunk together, and 5k and Lucy could share a room.” 

“Oh,” 10k nodded. It made sense. 

“I mean, 5k usually stays with me,” Red said. “But I guess they should have a kids room.” 

“You two okay with that then?” Doc felt the need to check. 

“I’m okay with it,” 10k said. Red nodded. 

“Okay, good. So, 10k, want to go check out the rooms, then?” Red asked. 

“Strip off the sheets. We’re gonna wash them,” Doc told them. 

There were nine doors on the upstairs landing. The first one off the hall was a bathroom. The next a home office. There was something awfully absurd about the computer on the desk. It was useless. Even with power to turn it on, there was nothing left out there to look for. 

Then, finally, there was a bedroom. This one obviously belonging to a teenager. Clothes were piled on the ground as if they had tried to pack in a hurry, posters covered the walls and the bed was unmade. Red started stripping off the sheets and putting them in the basket. 10k moved on to the next room. Another teenager. This one more likely to be a tween according to the fluffy pink rug and clean faced smiling boys covering the walls from the same band over and over. Still, a bed was a bed. The sheets joined the pile, kicking up more and more dust. 

The next room left a particular sorrow in the air. The quilt on the bed, the oxygen equipment on the side, the sweaters laid out on the chair. The old were the first to go when the world burned. The children there was effort to save them, but the old? There was a certain sense of a lost cause from those who might have helped them. Red and 10k were quick to move on. 

The next room- it was smaller, had bunkbeds and toys. Definitely would go to Lucy and 5k. 

There were two more bedrooms. One looked like it was a guest room, the other the master bedroom. The last door was a second bathroom. They took the sheets they had gathered downstairs, where Doc was wiping down the counters of the kitchen. 

“You guys can get water in here,” Doc said. “There’s a clothesline on the back deck too.” 

10k spoke very little as they continued to work. They filled up a basin with water and brought it outside to save the house- and doc- from the mess. Red rinsed the sheets in a tub of clean water while 10k rolled up his sleeves and washed them in the tub of soap. The water was cold as the breeze had become more chilled as of recent, but as time approached midday the sun balanced things out. Red did not push on conversation, simply allowed them to work in peace. They could hear Doc rustling around inside the house, opening all the windows. 

“Hey! You two ready for a lunch break?” Addy came to the back door. 

“Yeah,” from Red. 

“I’m good,” from 10k at the same time. 

A pause. 

“Alright,” Addy said. “I mean, food will still be here later. Red?” 

Red stood, moving to follow Addy inside. “10k, do you want me to bring you something or…?” 

“I’m fine, Red. Just want to get this done,” 10k told her. He wasn’t hungry. His head was starting to hurt again, but he’d just rather work on the task at hand. Take his mind off the adrenaline from the few days before. 

“If you’re sure,” Red left him to it, looking back with some worry. 

10k was now truly alone with his thoughts and began attacking the laundry with more vigor. If he worked hard enough at this, he wouldn’t end up thinking about anything else. 10k was on his knees, his right arm and shoulder throbbing painfully alongside his headache as he put a disconcertingly desperate energy into simply washing the sheets. His heart rate seemed to increase as a strange, wild anxiety grew from nowhere. If he just worked a little harder, got this done a little faster, that would go away. 

It didn’t. 

10k shot to his feet, wiping sweat from his forehead with a soapy hand and shook himself, trying to clear his mind. All this nervous energy was desperate for an outlet. 10k went to the sheets that were being rinsed and threw them over the clothesline that circled the deck. The irritation that came with how much his head was pounding now should’ve distracted him from his paranoia. Instead he was just in pain as well as anxious. 10k put his jacket back on, not caring that the sleeves grew wet, and picked up his gun again. 

“Hey, I’m gonna go on a walk,” 10k called into the house. 

“Want me to come with you?” Doc called back. 

“I’m good,” 10k left, moving quickly for the treeline. 

10k put more distance between himself and the house but felt no less claustrophobic. It was like he was still trapped in the cellar, feeling around the the door desperately looking for an edge to hold onto. The sun was no longer beating down on him as he was surrounded by trees. His headache faded and his body cooled. He reached for his slingshot, keeping his gun on his back, and moved slowly through the brush. The thing was, he could not kill an animal without it being a waste. So this entire trip was an excuse just to move quietly. And as Doc had said on their first trip here, they were utterly secluded. It was highly unlikely 10k would find a Z somewhere out here. 

10k heard footsteps a little ways off, his slingshot raised as he turned. 

Warren stopped, stepping back with a raised eyebrow. She wasn’t used to 10k looking so startled and afraid. “Didn’t mean to sneak up on you.” 

10k lowered the slingshot, looking embarrassed. “Sorry. Why’re you out here?” 

“Was gonna ask you the same thing. Doc said you went on a walk, but sounded upset. I said I’d come see if you were okay,” Warren told him. 10k said nothing. “Well, are you okay?” 

10k still paused, struggling to express the fear that continued to follow him. “I don’t know.” 

Warren nodded slowly, doing some thinking of her own. “You’re bottling things up, 10k. Eventually that’ll bury you.” 

10k cringed. It was the exact truth he didn’t want to hear. 

“I don’t want to push you, to make you talk about what happened, but I’m not sure how else I can help you,” Warren explained. “Can you just tell me what’s wrong right now?” 

10k scuffed his feet in the dirt, debating in his head. He wanted to feel better, but he didn’t want to burden his family. He didn’t even know if he could articulate what was bothering him. 

“I’m all freaked out, but I don’t have a reason to be,” was the best 10k could do. 

“Okay,” Warren nodded, sitting down on a fallen tree. 10k joined her. “You being freaked out after everything makes sense. Do you know why? What’s causing it?” 

“No,” 10k sighed. “Maybe,” 10k thought back on all that had happened in the past few days. “I… I thought I was safe. Relatively, at least. But then Murphy still found a way to…” 

After too much quiet, Warren spoke. “You know, you haven’t really told us what happened. Who that man was, what he did.” 

10k wrung his hands, looking at the ground with some intensity. “Well, I haven’t told you guys what happened before either. Not really.” 

“Do you want to?” 

“No,” 10k said immediately. Still, of course part of him wanted to tell them. To let it all pour out of him and stop drowning him alone. “The guy who attacked me the other night, his name was McClair. He, well, he helped Murphy interrogate me.” 

“Helped him torture you, you mean,” Warren said, voice already growing taut with emotion. “And that night, he was…?” 

“Gonna hurt me,” 10k started out vague. “I was supposed to be a hostage to stop you all while Murphy took back the museum.” 

“Hurt you?” Warren pushed right to the point. “He beat the hell out of you, but there’s more to it, isn’t there?” 

“There always is,” 10k said softly. “Murphy was in his head and-” 10k sighed, his hands wringing almost painfully tight. “I’m guessing you’ve figured it out by now.” 

“Did he…?” 

“No,” 10k inhaled shakily. “But he tried. If 5k hadn’t come around the corner when he did… it seemed to really scare him. I don’t think he knew what was happening, though.” 

“God…” Warren let out a low whistle. “I’m guessing that Murphy managing to do that even while locked in the cellar doesn’t exactly make you feel safe.” 

“Shocker,” 10k covered his exhaustion with sarcasm. 

“Right now Murphy is chained to a chair in that trailer. His people are over a hundred miles from here,” Warren said. “Now, I say that, but I guess that isn’t anything you don’t already know.” 

“It doesn’t help much,” 10k said. “I know that you’ll all do everything you can to protect me. I know I should be safe. But it’s this physical _feeling_ that won’t let me rest.” 

“So, you need to keep busy. We all can understand that,” Warren said. “But you need to take time to breathe, 10k. Get something to eat, sit for a minute. You have this sense of rush that doesn’t seem to stop. Eventually you won’t be able to do enough to get away from it.” 

“So what am I supposed to do instead?” 

“Talk to us,” Warren nudged him gently. “Let us try and help.” 

Pretty words without much backing behind them, but still, it was enough to get 10k to walk back to the house and have lunch with his family. 

They all slept in a messy pile in the living room. Which meant that they all noticed 10k get up in the early morning hours. Those sleeping closest to him, Doc and Red, knew he had been tossing and turning long before then. No one went after him this time, and none of them were sure if that was the right thing to do either. Still, 10k returned a little after the rest of them awoke with fish for breakfast. 

10k did not talk much, but he hadn’t really talked much before. It was growing more and more difficult to gauge when 10k needed help. 

Still, he worked alongside the rest of them with no apparent qualms. Red and 10k finished their task of making the bedrooms habitable. 10k doing so in silence with a furrowed brow. Red threw a pillow at him. He looked up for the first time in twenty minutes, blinking in surprise. 

“You still with me?” She teased. It was less likely to scare him off than her voicing her concerns. Concerns shared by the rest of the family as well. 

“I’m okay. Just wanna finish this,” 10k shrugged. 

“Okay,” Red sighed, a slight frown forming as she took a moment just to watch him. 10k just did what needed to be done. There didn’t seem to be much else going on. And that was worrying in itself. He seemed almost as numb as when she had first found him again on the bridge. 

There lives were still busy, but in a different way. The days spent stripping the RV of furniture and rewiring the equipment. Driving from town to town in the hopes of gathering enough supplies to survive the winter. 10k preferred the day trips where he at least saw new scenery, but when back at the farm he would spend hours chopping firewood. 

“I’m worried about him,” Doc spoke to Addy and Warren after weeks of this. “When was the last time you saw him just take a minute to sit down without one of us making him?” 

“He doesn’t want to talk about it, doc,” Addy reminded him. “And he’s keeping busy. At least he’s not locking himself in his room all day.” 

“Addy, you know that isn’t how 10k does things. And working yourself to death is not a sign of health,” Warren said. “Red says he barely sleeps. Get’s up in the middle of the night.” 

“Yeah, I heard him chopping firewood at like 3 am,” Doc said. “He doesn’t eat much, either.” 

“I don’t know what to say to him,” Addy spoke quietly now. “What the hell do you say to someone after all this?” 

“He won’t talk about it,” Warren said. 

“Even if he did, how is that supposed to help him?” Addy pointed out. “None of us know what we’re doing.” Doc moved to speak, Addy beat him to it. “Even you, doc. I know you’re a psychologist, rehab and all that, but you can’t actually believe you’re not out of your depth here.” 

“I know enough that we need to be there for him,” Doc said firmly. “We need him to know he isn’t alone in this. Even if he isn’t ready to engage, we can at least be by his side.” 

“I don’t know, doc,” Warren said. “I worry what’s going on in his head if he keeps isolating.” 

“What do you suggest, then, Warren?” Doc sighed. 

“We can’t exactly corner him and go, ‘hey! Wanna talk about how you were being mind controlled, raped, and tortured like a month ago?’ I don’t think that’ll get him to open up,” Addy said sarcastically. “He won’t tell Red, he won’t talk to any of us.” 

“When he gets like this, seems all far away, gets up in the middle of the night, we go after him. We just talk to him, don’t push him, just make sure he isn’t left alone in all this,” Warren of course put together a gameplan. 

“We can plan all we want,” Addy remained gloomy. “It won’t stop how much he’s hurting.”


	30. Chapter 30

“Lucy, set the table, will you?” Addy called from the kitchen, now cleaned down and functional, where Doc grilled fish on a working gas stove.

The eight of them, usually seven as Sun Mei’s work was a full time job, made sure to take as much as they could from the woods, saving canned goods for the winter that was around the corner. Fall was all around them now, and blankets were being stockpiled as jackets were worn inside. 10k, with help from 5k and Red, was the lead on searching for food in the woods. As cans were growing in the pantry and basement, 10k showed his family how to identify wild onions and sassafras, barberries and hickory nuts. 

Doc and Warren were planning on clearing out the greenhouse, but it was a gamble as keeping it heated through winter could likely be brutal on their resources. Yes greenhouses could self-heat relatively well, but not enough to survive the harsh winter ahead. They were closer to the Canadian border than they were to the state line. At least, they had yet to figure out a way to make it work. 

“10k had another awesome trick shot today,” Addy said, as they gathered around the dining table encircled with mismatched chairs. “Two Zs in one with his slingshot. It was insane!” 

10k grinned, unable to help growing flustered by the compliment as well. 

“Do you wanna tell them or…?” Addy offered, 10k shrugged so she continued. “Anyways, so we’re in that grocery store, the one with the mannequin smashed through the window from across the street? Doc opens up a back room, and six Zs come storming out, Doc bolts, of course, and we’ve somehow trapped ourselves at the back in the freezer section. Now, six on three, not the worst odds, but 10k immediately grabs a bottle cap, lines up a shot, and two of them go down! Right through the first one’s skull and pretty damn deep in the second one too.” 

“5,254, right, kid?” Doc nudges him. 

“55, there was that Z on the drive back too,” 10k leaned into the praise. 

“I still don’t get why you _have_ to shoot them,” Lucy tried to remain calm, which was progress from the pouting that might have come before, but it was clear that it still unsettled her. 

“Lucy, no ethics debates at the dinner table,” Addy said tiredly, still her fondness for her odd niece always came through. 

Lucy nodded, but couldn’t resist continuing slightly. “My dad thinks its wrong that you count them,” she spoke to 10k, this time not with pride in her father but more so curiosity to how 10k felt about his opinion. 

“Lucy, you shouldn’t confront people about their choices unprovoked,” Warren chastised her gently. 

“I’m not being _confrontational_. It’s just what my dad thinks,” Lucy shrugged. “Sorry. He’s been a little grumpy, lately. He’s had a lot of blood drawn and his nose isn’t fully healed yet. I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it.” 

Lucy’s attempt to lessen any offence to 10k while also trying to alleviate her father of blame backfired in both regards. The expression of sympathy for Murphy and the impossible idea that Murphy _didn’t mean anything by it_ in any reference to 10k was a cold irony. 10k did not want Lucy to know what had happened to him, but that didn’t mean he had to sit there and tolerate the consequences of that decision. At least, not in the moments where he could walk away from it. Lucy hadn’t connected the dots of her father’s broken nose and Doc’s damaged knuckles from the months before, and with that was also the illusion that she wouldn’t question the evident tension in the room. 

“I don’t know why dad wants to stay outside in the trailer, either,” Lucy kept talking, naivety wounding far more than any malicious intent she could have. “I’m thinking I can convince him to come stay in the house. I know there aren’t enough bedrooms, but I thought if we moved the bed from the RV upstairs, he might want to-” 

Lucy was not interrupted, but she still stopped as 10k finally snapped, restlessness causing him to silently get up from the table and leave out the back, the screen door slamming behind him semi-unintentionally. The idea - yes, it would never actually happen - but the _implication_ of Murphy moving in two doors down from him… It made his skin crawl. 10k was angry. Mostly about the fact that he couldn’t be angry with Lucy. None of this was her fault, and somehow that was worse. 10k can’t take being reminded of how close he is. That somehow despite everything Murphy is still loved. But how could 10k ever bring himself to tell Lucy any of this? He knew the girl as a housemate, surface level familial understanding through the fact that Addy, and even Doc, truly loved the girl, so there was no solution. 

If 10k were to tell her, it would not only feel like exposing an open wound to her, but it would also feel like an act of cruelty. They allowed her this attachment. Let her learn to love her father and to trust him. The thought of putting that burden on Lucy, that betrayal after being the one who enforced her ignorance, it made 10k sick. 

“Lucy, I wouldn’t-” Sun Mei reached up to stop the girl who she had chaperoned with Murphy for weeks now, but that relationship was not enough to stop the girl from storming out back, the door slamming behind her fully intentionally. No one stood to pursue her. 

“What is your _problem?!_ ” 

10k was startled from his brooding by Lucy snapping at him, arms folded across her chest, and looking as if she was just as much at the end of her rope as 10k was. 

“What-?” 10k blinked, eyebrows raised and all his anger draining away under the firey gaze of the fourteen year old blonde. She was far more like her mother than her father, a relief normally, but in this moment it didn’t help 10k relax. 

“What’s your problem?” Lucy repeated. “I don’t know what I did to make you hate me so much, but maybe you could talk to me about it instead of giving me the silent treatment.” 

“I- I don’t hate you,” was all 10k could think to stammer out. 

“Doesn’t really seem like it, 10k. I feel like half the time you’re fine with me and then the other half you’re avoiding me,” Lucy said. “Or snapping at me, or giving me this weird _look_.” 

10k remained silent, both uncomfortable but also without a clue of what to say. 

“Yeah! Like that! Looking at me like you hate me!” Lucy pointed out. “I just don’t know what I did.” 

“Not you,” 10k said. “You didn’t do anything.” 

Lucy stopped her tyrading in favor of confusion. “Okay, so why do you act so weird around me?” 

10k turned away from her, hitting his fist against the wood railing around the deck as he tried to wrap his head around the dilemma at hand. She was a _kid_. There was no way in hell he was just going to flat out tell her what her father had done. Even if he put the emotional damage it would cause himself out of mind, explaining what rape even meant, that her father was capable of that and torture, 10k didn’t want to even consider it. 

So where did that leave him? Did he just tell her that he and Murphy had a history? That they hated each other? That would beg the question of _why_. And 10k would hate to think what Murphy’s answer to that question might be. Better for Lucy to hear it from 10k than from that liar. 

“It’s not you, it’s your dad,” with every word 10k wanted to stop. Where was the line? How could he justify himself without leaving Lucy more lost in the process? Murphy didn’t deserve to have a relationship with his daughter, but Lucy didn’t deserve that kind of heartache either. 

“What about him?” Lucy pushed after he fell silent once more. 

10k bounced on his heels anxiously. “He’s done some stuff I don’t agree with,” when thinking of Murphy’s long list of atrocities, it was Cassandra who came to mind first. Although to say they disagreed on her fate was an understatement. 

“I’m not stupid. There’s more to it,” Lucy remained defiant, but she was listening. 

10k nodded, expecting as much, biting his lip as he tried to scramble for an explanation that would cause the least damage. The only way he could tell Lucy anything would involve destroying that image she had of her father, but maybe that was a good thing. 

“You know how your dad, his vaccine, there were side effects?” 10k took the tiniest steps in the right direction. 

“Side effects?” She frowned. 

“His head is connected to his people,” 10k said slowly. “But it’s more than that. He can control people.” 10k felt a bit ill at this dark fact. A line was being crossed. Naive child or not, the implications alone towards consent that would come with this could very well frighten Lucy. “He makes them do what he wants, even think what he wants them to.” 

“I don’t understand,” Lucy was wary of him now. “The blends, the people in Murphytown, they loved my dad. He _saved_ them. They _chose_ to get the vaccine.” 

“Yeah but they had no idea what that meant,” 10k couldn’t help but get defensive. “They didn’t know what the cost was, besides, some people never wanted that.” 10k sighed, running his hand through his hair. “Before Sun Mei, another doctor was bitten, against her will, and forced to make a vaccine for Murphy,” it was exploitative, to use Dr. Merch’s death as a feeble protection against revealing his own traumas. And it did little to protect Lucy from hearing evil truths about her father. “And she hated that life,” 10k, almost impulsively, overshared. Painting not only a flawed manipulative picture, but a glimpse at the Murphy 10k knew too well. “Murphy wouldn’t let her go, so she killed herself.” 

“That can’t be right,” Lucy grew quiet. “He wouldn’t- He cares about his people if there was someone who needed help- Maybe he didn’t know. How could he know something like that?” Lucy now looked to him like he had answers, like he would give her a pretty answer that restored the slowly cracking image of her father. 

“Lucy… I don’t know if I’m the right person to explain…” 10k couldn’t look her in the eye. Especially because that was a lie. 10k had witnessed everything. He knew the most, but that didn’t make this any easier. 

“You’re the one that seems to avoid me,” Lucy replied. “Addy doesn’t like my dad,” she frowned. “I know that. I just thought it was because he didn’t want me to spend time with her.” A pause, her thinking, 10k watching carefully. “I guess Doc doesn’t like him either. Warren doesn’t show it as much, but...” 

10k knew that now that he had started it was unlikely he could leave the conversation as is. “I know you think that because people were lining up for the cure, that they seemed to love your father, that they all wanted that life.” 10k truly felt sick, his chest tight. Every feeling he couldn’t understand manifesting physically. “I didn’t.” 

Lucy now seemed even more confused. “What do you mean? You were…?” 

“He bit me,” the words felt so strange in this context. To be explaining yet again but to Lucy. “I didn’t want him to.” 

“But you’re not a blend,” Lucy insisted, as if she could somehow change what 10k was saying. 

10k really, _really_ didn’t want to talk about this, but how could he stop now? Did he just say ‘never mind’ and walk away? “I tried to get away from things. Tried different drugs, because, and I’m sorry, but your dad controls people. He does, that’s just a fact. I don’t know if maybe for some of them they were okay listening to him, but the thing is they really didn’t have a choice. So I did a bunch of, well, dangerous stuff to get him out of my head.” 10k right now was showing Lucy a negligent man, not a violent one. That didn’t mean there weren’t consequences for this as well. “Eventually, all that stuff made me really sick, I got shot and it was infected, and there was so much stuff wrong with me, that it, well. I guess you could say it killed me. They restarted my heart, though, and when they did, well, I’m not a blend anymore. I don’t know what I am really, but that’s why I’m not like the others.” 

Lucy was looking a little weepy now and 10k was immediately horrified by the sight. Fuck, he didn’t know how to help some crying kid. Was he supposed to hug her now? There was no prerequisite for this kind of discussion. 

“I’m so sorry,” Lucy seemed more worried about him. “M-Maybe he didn’t know. Maybe it was an accident or-or a mistake.” 

“It wasn’t,” 10k said quietly. Probably not comforting, but it was the truth. 

Lucy definitely learned from Addy, she was quick to cover her tears and attempt to level her voice. 

“Well, at least I know you don’t hate me,” Lucy said with a forced laugh. 

“Your dad cares about you,” 10k said. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe this would comfort her, but in the long run it helped no one. 

“That’s not _enough_ ,” Lucy snapped, not directed at 10k, mostly she seemed frustrated with herself. 

“We didn’t want to do this,” 10k said. Lucy looked to him. “To tell you why your dad isn't allowed in the house. Why we hate him.” _Even if I’ve basically told you nothing,_ he thought privately. 

“Why?” Lucy asked. “Why would you lie about something like this?” 

“Because, well,” 10k hated this. Why couldn’t Addy be the one explaining all this? “You care about your dad. And we didn’t want to hurt you by ruining that.” 

“I still do care about my dad,” Lucy said and 10k resented himself for feeling disappointed. She seemed to see that in his expression. “It doesn’t mean what he’s done isn’t wrong, isn’t careless, that I’m not angry with him, but… he’s my dad, you know?” 

He did know. It was exactly why no one wanted to tell her what Murphy was actually capable of. 

“I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you. By avoiding you,” 10k said. “It never was about you. It was just sometimes you’d talk about your dad… I just couldn’t listen to that. Guess I should’ve realized running off didn’t send a better message.” 

“ _You’re_ sorry?” Lucy scoffed. “You shouldn’t be sorry.” 

“Okay,” was all 10k could think to say. 

Arguably, this had gone better than he had imagined it would, although he had only told Lucy about as much as he had told Red. Red… she was left in the dark. What he had told her was more than enough for Red to hate the man along side the fact that one of Murphy’s men had tried to hold 10k hostage. Still… 10k hadn’t even taken off his shirt in front of Red. She hadn’t seen the wounds on his back or heard anything about them and their cause. At least they were almost fully healed. There was still some scabbing, and the scarring was red and taut, but it would not draw any more blood. 10k’s biggest concern was the scar tissue itself. It had healed in a way that left his back sore and less mobile than it had been before. Doc said it might just take time to adjust, but 10k feared these injuries following him forever. His shoulder still wasn’t quite the same. He was just glad he could still fire a gun. Still, 10k refused to complain. He wanted things to be like they were, so if he complained every time he got sore they never would be. 

“Thanks,” Lucy didn’t know how to end the conversation. “For telling me the truth. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.” 10k’s guilt grew. With an unsure nod, Lucy headed back inside. Addy leaned on the doorway with a raised eyebrow. She passed her niece and headed onto the deck. 

“So?” Addy asked once Lucy was out of earshot. 

“So what?” 10k frowned. 

“What did you tell her? Is she okay?” Addy pushed. “Are _you_ okay?” 

“I mean, I guess,” 10k sighed, rubbing his temples as stress continued to weigh on him. “It wasn’t exactly something I planned to do.” 

Addy stopped, looking truly worried now. “So you told her, then?” She asked quietly. 

“Not-Not everything! Fuck no,” 10k shook himself. “Just- Basically what I told Red. That Murphy controls people, that he was in my head. Kept me there against my will.” 

Addy looked relieved, but not as much as she could have been. “How’d she take it?” 

“Didn’t really believe me at first, but after, she was angry with her father,” 10k said. Another weighted pause. “I also told her what happened to Dr. Merch.” 

“Oh, _10k_ ,” Addy didn’t really sound disappointed with him, more so resigned to the fact that this was the truth. 

“What I told her, none of it Murphy _actively_ did. I think she just thinks he’s careless. Which is… I dunno,” 10k shrugged. 

“Okay,” Addy nodded. A pause. “I’m sorry if I seem like I’m coddling her. I know it must’ve been hard for you.” 

“It’s okay,” 10k said. “You care about her.” 

“I care about you too,” Addy said pointedly. “I’m sorry none of us have done anything.” 

“What’d you mean?” 10k looked at her curiously. 

“When Lucy talks about Murphy. We just… let her. Never thought about what it might be like for you,” Addy said. 

“What were you supposed to do? Tell her she wasn’t allowed to talk about her dad?” 10k said. “You keep apologizing for things that aren’t your fault.” 

“Still sucks, though.” 

That 10k could agree with. 

10k had to admit it was some form of relief to have Lucy stop chatting about his tormentor over breakfast. Lucy spent the following morning with 5k instead of in the RV with Sun Mei and Murphy. 10k and Red didn’t mind 5k having a distraction, it let them be alone for longer. Yet 10k still refused to settle. He worked tirelessly to continue chopping firewood for the encroaching winter and to gather food for that day. It was likely october now. The afternoon was spent an hour east, scouring another town for blankets and canned goods. The return yielded different results. 

Red, 10k, and doc drove back down the drive into the farm to Lucy, Addy, and Warren in intense conversation. Well, it was mostly Lucy shouting at them as they tried to calm her down. 

“Oh great, this oughta be good,” Doc said as they got out of the truck. 

Lucy only fell silent on their approach. Addy leaned in and said something softly to her, but she pulled away, storming off into the house as if fleeing from them. 

“What the hell happened?” Doc asked. 

Warren and Addy exchanged uncomfortable glances. “Her dad said some stuff and it upset her,” Warren told them. 

10k immediately felt that this was his fault. “What… what did he tell her?” He asked quietly. 

Addy glanced to Red. “Maybe we should talk to just you about it first,” she told 10k. 

“Yeah,” 10k agreed, feeling even more guilty at Red’s confused and slightly hurt expression. “Red, I’m sorry, but… if I need to tell you something, I will, but later, okay?” 

“It’s okay, I get it,” Red shrugged. “It’s some classic operation bitemark business,” there was some bite to her words as she wandered off. 

“I’ll explain later,” 10k said partially to himself. 

“I don’t know if you’re gonna want to do that after you hear what we have to say,” Warren said. 

10k nodded, sitting on the edge of the front porch, putting his gun over his shoulder and leaning against it as it pressed into the ground. 

“Lucy went to confront her dad earlier,” Addy said. “About what you told her.” 

“Christ…” Doc acted exactly as 10k felt, a hand going to his forehead as he sat down beside 10k. 

“And Murphy tried to get around it, put the blame on 10k,” Addy continued carefully. 

“Can you just tell me what he did?” 10k didn’t mean to snap, but he wanted to get to the point. 

“Murphy told her about Cassandra,” Warren said and her words were like a blow to the face. 

“What all did he say?” Doc asked, already growing defensive. 

“Murphy basically said that 10k murdered his good friend Cassandra in cold blood while he was off trying to protect Lucy,” Addy said dryly. “That biting 10k was his way of giving him a second chance, to atone, and that what happened to Dr. Merch was a tragic accident. That if he had known she needed help he would’ve done something.” A pause as Doc and 10k took this in. “Bullshit…” Addy muttered her resentment. 

“And-” 10k took a deep breath. It didn’t feel like enough. “Did Lucy…?” 

“She doesn’t know what to believe right now,” Warren told him. 

“I shouldn't have said anything,” 10k sighed. 

“What were you supposed to do, kid? Leave Lucy to think that you hated her or something?” Doc said. 

“That would’ve been better than- than all this,” 10k snapped. “The only way to fix this would to be to flat out lie. And I’m not doing that. I killed Cass, if that isn’t a fair reason for Lucy not to trust me…” 

“She was gonna kill you, 10k,” Addy pushed. “That… that wasn’t her,” she continued carefully. “Cassandra was my friend. She was part of our family. And I think she died down in that lab. Whatever was following Murphy around, maybe it had echoes of her, but it wasn’t her. 10k, it wasn’t your fault.” 

10k hadn’t really had the time to get over Cassandra, and he certainly didn’t have the emotional capacity to start now. She had been about to snap his neck. He knew that she was about to break something, the pain of it, the fear that he might not survive, scrambling for a knife, and just _acting_ , not thinking. Burying her and thinking too much. “I should talk to Lucy, try and explain,” he got to his feet, intending to go into the house and speak with her. 

Warren reached out to stop him. “I’d give her some space for a minute. Give her some time to think. I don’t think she’s ready to listen, and you trying to explain might do more harm than good.” 

10k wasn’t happy with this, but he didn’t disagree. 10k also realized he’d have to have an explanation for Red. Had he ever spoken about Cassandra with her properly? All Red really knew was that weird girl that had been with their group before was not there when they met a second time. Not an uncommon event in the apocalypse. Not even something to be questioned. But did that mean explaining what had happened would be any easier? 

“Hey, Red?” 10k caught up to her just under the tree cover of woods where 5k surely was finding trouble. 

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it, 10k,” Red seemed genuine, even if it had hurt her before. 

“I don’t want you to think I’m keeping things from you or I don’t want you to be a part of my life,” 10k said firmly. Red stopped. “Lucy… Murphy told her some stuff about me. Stuff that’s true, but not really how he explained it.” 

“What stuff?” Red grew wary. Was this the secret her boyfriend kept from her? The reason for his fear and paranoia? 

“Do you remember Cassandra?” He began. “She was with our group, when we first met.” 

“Yeah, weird chick, badly dressed,” Red frowned. “She died, didn’t she?” 

“Twice,” 10k said with a harsh laugh that sounded more like a sob. “She had an infected leg.” Red winced, knowing dying from infection was a slow, unfairly common death. “And when she died, Murphy bit her. And… what came back was almost her, but not really.” 10k paused, birdsong and cicadas filled the silence. “I killed her. The second time around.” 10k hadn’t thought his recovery would involve so much goddamn _talking_. He was tired of explaining, but apparently this came with being a part of a family. Communication. It was draining. 

Red did look surprised, but not horrified. She knew enough about the apocalypse -and 10k- to know this was not what it seemed like. 

“So much happened, but the point is she had me on the ground, and her hands were around my neck and I thought she was gonna kill me and I stabbed her,” 10k explained quickly, a little too numb, a little too tired. 

“So, you defended yourself. Against… what, an early model of the blends?” Red tried to see if she was following this right. 

“No- I mean, yeah I guess- but she was our _friend_ ,” 10k paused, but he trusted Red. Truly. Whatever there was between them. “I think I loved her.” 

“And Lucy was just told that you killed one of Murphy’s little followers,” Red sighed. 

“I’m sorry, I know you didn’t ask for any of this, all of my bullshit-” 

“10k, stop,” Red cut him off. “I knew exactly what I was getting into. Everyone in the apocalypse has baggage. Yours is just… a little more inconvenient at the moment.” 

10k was hit by relief. Red remaining so calm, knowing not to waste time with pitying him, was more than he could ever hoped for. “I wasn’t trying to keep stuff from you. I think Warren and Addy just wanted to let me tell you.” 

“And 10k, if there’s stuff you want to keep to yourself, that’s okay too. Sorry I acted all pouty before, just me being whiny about not being in your special mission meetings,” Red teased. 

“Well, you and 5k are part of the group now,” 10k said. Red turned, well, red at this, and reached out to put her arm around the taller boy’s shoulder, almost walking on tiptoes as they moved further into the woods. 

Warren did think that Lucy needed space, but she also wanted the girl to know exactly what she was getting into. She had asked 10k not to speak with her, but mostly because it would only add to the confusion to have 10k and Murphy bickering over the truth through her. She needed to know who they sided with. 

“Hey Lucy,” Warren stood in the doorway of the kids room, where Lucy sat on the bottom bunk, an old book in her hand but Warren knew she wasn’t reading. 

“You hear to tell me another story?” Lucy said sarcastically. “Tell me who the real bad guy is?” 

“No,” Warren sat down beside here. “I’m here to tell you that you’re gonna have to make a choice.” 

Lucy, wary now but still listening, sat up, tossing the book aside. “Okay. What does that mean?” 

“There are things we can’t tell you. Answers we don’t really have yet. But with what you do know, I think you can make the right choice,” Warren said. “10k has his reasons, and they are his to share with you, but know that he has no more blood on his hands than any of us do.” 

“That doesn’t make it better,” Lucy said. “And my dad had answers. For why he did what he did.” 

“Okay, so you’ve heard what your dad has to say,” Warren said. “And 10k explained why he doesn’t like your father.” 

“Yeah but-” 

“10k hasn’t explained what your father told you,” Warren finished. “Maybe you should let him? Not so you can be fed even more confusing information, but so you can hear both sides.” 

“How am I supposed to choose? Or am I supposed to just deal with the fact that everyone I know has done horrible things?” Lucy asked. “I feel like I spend half my time learning how to forgive all of you. Addy told me how she met my mom. How she left you, abandoned the mission, to live there.” 

“She did,” Warren said quietly. 

“What about you?” Lucy asked. “You’re the leader. You’re why we’re all here instead of back home. What’ve you done?” 

Warren smiled in a way that read tragedy. “More than I care to name.” 

“Great,” Lucy sighed. “Is this just how people are?” 

“Yes. And no,” Warren said. “I think before the apocalypse we told ourselves we were better than this. Now we know we never were, but we know that now. We need to keep trying to do better. And I think that matters more than living a life without blame.”


	31. Chapter 31

10k couldn’t take this. He was supposed to give Lucy space, fine, but that didn’t help his anger, his impatience, his inability to sleep. 10k got up carefully so as not to wake Red across from him, but after that he moved almost urgently. He armed himself first with his flashlight and after little hesitation, his sniper. 10k took a key from a row of hooks just inside Warren’s bedroom door. He moved silently through the house, a skill that took little effort, but on the porch he hesitated.

10k’s eyes adjusted to the dark fairly quickly as he looked out across the sloping lawn and the distant treeline. And the RV, parked a dozen meters out. He kept moving. Outside the RV, 10k removed the padlock with the key, and that door opening seemed to take his breath away. He didn’t stop. His flashlight showed shining metal and the gentle hum of a refrigerator full of blood samples proved that there was power. 10k did not turn on a light. The main room was all procedural, stripped of furniture and kitchenware and replaced by equipment stripped from hospitals, and the only door open was a sliding door into a bathroom. At the back of the RV another doorknob glinted in the dull glow. A deadbolt had been installed across it. 10k held his sniper a little tighter. 

10k couldn’t explain why he was doing this any more than he could stop. He opened the door. 

A chain glinted under the flashlight, the coil leading underneath a thin blanket on an otherwise bare mattress. 10k’s heart leapt to his throat when Murphy jerked awake. After all this silence it was an explosion of noise, Murphy jumping back against the wall behind him. 10k would have been satisfied by Murphy’s fear if he weren’t so terrified himself. 

“Don’t do this,” Murphy said. “You’ll break Lucy’s heart, you’ll ruin everything. You’d really destroy the hope for the cure after everything?” 

10k hated that voice, but he was more distracted by Murphy’s words. “What?” 10k asked a little hoarsely. 

Murphy stared, looking suspicious of 10k’s confusion. “You planning on gloating first?” He asked harshly. 

10k said nothing, too taken by surprise to do what he intended to do, although he was a little hazy on what that was as well. 

Murphy seemed to relax slightly, “you’re not… you’re not here to kill me?” He asked. 

“No,” the response was automatic, even if Murphy didn’t deserve the comfort. 

It was like 10k could physically see the arrogance return to him. “What do you want, then?” Murphy asked. 

_To see why I’m still scared of you._ 10k did not voice his thoughts aloud, instead he stared at Murphy. The man looked tired. A white bandage still was across his broken nose and his leg remained in a makeshift cast. His hair was unkept and his clothes were hanging off his shoulders loosely. Murphy had lost weight. His cheeks seemed more sunken and some of that spite faded from his eyes. 

“Why’d you tell Lucy that stuff?” 10k asked despite knowing how redundant it was. 

Murphy scoffed. “You came out here to complain?” He asked dryly. 

“You could’ve made something up. Defended yourself, been apologetic or something, what do you have to gain from still trying to hurt me?” 10k asked and he hated how weak he sounded. 

“You’re so fucking pathetic,” Murphy sneered. “Don’t even have the guts to kill me.” 

10k was still wounded by Murphy’s words, but not as much as he had been before. “Don’t push me, Murphy.” 

“Why? What’re you gonna do?” Murphy stepped forward. It took a lot of willpower for 10k not to step back. “You’re not gonna kill me. And I know you’re still scared of me, _Thomas_.” 

“Shut up,” 10k said. It was a feeble defense. “You can’t do anything, Murphy. You’re lashing out because you know you can’t do anything to me anymore.” 

“Are you sure, Thomas?” Murphy got closer and 10k couldn’t help but step back. A good thing too, because Murphy reached the end of the chain around his ankle. “Why’d you come here, then? In the middle of the night, with your gun, but you’re not here to kill me.” 

“Get away from me,” 10k staggered back, Murphy just barely in reach. 

“You miss me, don’t you?” Murphy’s smirk showed too much confidence for a man on a leash. “Is Red not as much fun? You miss getting fucked by me. Why else would you be here? You too scared to tell your family that you _like_ when I give you bruises?” 

10k felt momentary disgust, but it faded into irritation. This he became aware of with an odd calm. Murphy wasn’t scaring him right now. Disgust, yes, irritation, of course, but 10k wasn’t scared of the man at the end of the chain. It was a strange duality knowing that the mere memory of Murphy still caused his nightmares, but the man in the flesh invoked nothing but distain. 10k was still terrified, but it wasn’t of Murphy. At least not the one who remained locked in a trailer, reliant on feeble lies to get his way. A man who owed everything, his relationship with his daughter, the very roof over his head, to the same people who had every right to kill him. 10k was utterly apathetic to this man’s eager attempts to return to the mind games that had left 10k distraught not so long ago. 

“You just gonna cower back there? Or say what you wanted to say?” Murphy continued to goad him. He seemed irritated that 10k had stopped paying attention to him. 

“I have nothing to say to you,” 10k said and he actually meant it. Still, he had to add, “I’m not scared of you anymore.” 

“As if I’d believe that,” Murphy said dryly. Still, he grew more agitated when 10k turned to leave. “Where do you think you’re going? Hey! Why’d you wake me up then? If you’re looking for a fight then fucking turn around! Turn around you fucking coward!” 

10k had stopped listening, a strange mix of calm and adrenaline sending him back to the house at a quick pace. There was blood pounding in his ears, both euphoria and 10k was sad to say some fear, but that was to be expected. The fact of the matter was the man behind him was not responsible for that fear. That monster had remained in Murphytown and only a shell had followed him out. 10k wasn’t better. This was not an epiphany to fix deep rooted trauma. It was an awakening. 10k was, at least for the moment, freed. 

“10k!” Warren shouted out to him, running onto the lawn with Doc, Addy, and Sun Mei not far behind. 

“Why’re you…?” 10k was stopped in his tracks, but no less relieved. 

“I thought I heard something. My key was gone, you were gone, we didn’t know what to think!” Warren held onto his shoulders, looking him over with a cautious eye. She looked to the sniper on his back. “10k, what were you going to do?” She asked softly. 

“I wasn’t gonna _kill_ him,” 10k was still surprised that everyone seemed to think that was his plan. After everything, after, hell, defending Murphy's miserable life up to this point, did they really think 10k would throw all that away because he was pissed? 

“You okay?” Doc caught up. 

“What did he do?” Addy’s hostility remained focused on the RV a few yards behind them. 

“Nothing, I just-” 10k’s voice broke. He didn’t know how to explain why he’d gone out there in the middle of the night. He didn’t know how to explain how this both fixed something and nothing at all. 

“10k, what is it?” Warren asked softly. Sun Mei quietly moved past them to lock the RV door once more. Murphy had fallen silent inside. 

“I don’t- I don’t know,” 10k said. All that relief was swept up in the fact that 10k didn’t have to be afraid of Murphy to remain damaged by what he had done. He didn’t know how to feel. 

Doc didn’t waste time on words, he pulled 10k into a hug, letting 10k bury his face in the man’s chest as he tried to calm his still racing heart. After a time of quiet 10k finally pulled back. 

“I’m not scared of him anymore,” 10k said weakly. 

“What?” Addy asked. 

“Murphy. I don’t think I’m scared of him anymore,” 10k let out a shaky exhale. “But that somehow doesn’t help,” his voice shook but other than that he gave no sigh of distress. “Why- _Why_ doesn’t that help?” 

None of them had answers for him. Sun Mei returned, pressing the key into Warren’s hand and nodding so she knew Murphy was secure. 

“10k, let’s go back inside,” Warren gently put a hand on his arm and they all but guided him back to the house. 

“I’m fine,” 10k answered the unasked question. No one believed him. 

“You wanna sit down for a minute?” Doc sat him at the worn wooden table in the kitchen, Addy lighting a candle. 

“How about I make some tea. With sassafras, like you showed me, right 10k?” Addy wasn’t sure what to say. 

Warren sat beside him, a hand on his shoulder. “You wanna talk about it?” 

“Talk about what?” 10k asked hoarsely. “The fact that I screwed up? That I never should’ve gone out there?” 

“You didn’t screw up,” Doc said firmly. 

“What’d you mean, 10k?” Warren asked gently. There was no push to her words, only concern. “You’re not scared of Murphy anymore. What made you say that? And… everything else.” 

“It’s not him that scares me,” 10k tried to explain. “I looked at him, and it wasn’t the same. It was like there was only half of him there. Like the other half is still in Murphytown.” 

“But that doesn’t mean that other half isn’t still hurting you,” Doc tried to follow. 

“Yeah, I guess,” 10k couldn’t even say he understood it. “It’s memory, but it’s more than that.” 

“Trauma’s a bitch,” Addy sighed, handing 10k a mug. He just held onto it, unmoving. 

“You could say that,” 10k was exhausted. “I’m sorry I scared you guys. I don’t know what I was thinking and I know why you were worried but- I’m just _tired_.” 

10k stood up before his family could continue to therapize him. Feeling guilty for leaving but also unable to stay he returned upstairs to his and Red’s room. She remained asleep in the twin bed across from his own. 10k put aside his gun and curled in his own bed, a peculiar melancholy keeping him awake after the past hours. He was impulsive in his actions, but he also remained agitated no matter what he did. There wasn’t a task or solution to his inability to settle. 

The next day Lucy came to him, leaning against the kitchen doorway, a serious frown aging a child’s face. This was a surprise, because 10k had thought she wanted nothing to do with him. 

Lucy didn’t start with an awkward ‘can we talk?’ or an apology for ghosting him the past days. She had never been socialized to. 10k actually appreciated it. She got straight to the point. 

“You killed your friend,” she began slowly. “Why’d you do that?” 

Still, it was the sort of bluntness he wasn’t prepared for. 10k set aside the bowl of cattails he was preparing to make flour, part of him wanted something to do with his hands, but he felt it was better to give Lucy his focus. 

“I was already so angry. With Cassandra, with your father, and…” 10k sighed. “And he disappeared. With you,” it was so strange. This had happened a little over a year ago, and there Lucy was. Walking and talking and very much too old to be the baby who had caused them so much trouble. “And Addy and Doc were scared. Warren wasn’t there and I think they thought your dad might do something to you. But Cassandra wasn’t letting us go look for you. So I said-” 10k took another deep breath. There was a weight pressing on his chest making it harder to breathe. One part grief. Three parts guilt. “I said she couldn’t stop all of us. And it ended up being me who stayed to try and stop her from going after Doc and Addy. You could say I just got unlucky, but I think I was just so mad and hurt by Cassandra, ‘cause she was so different, you know? When your dad bites people now they change, but then it was… it was so much worse. And I think she might’ve already been dead when he did it. I made sure I was the one to stay behind and stop her. ‘Cause I was just so angry that I’d lost her.” 

A pause, 10k hating himself for getting emotional. He didn’t have the fucking _right_. He’d been the one to kill her. “But I was stupid, okay? I told myself she couldn’t actually hurt me.” Disgust continued to grow for the way he was telling this story. “Lucy, I am not justifying this. This wasn’t a mistake or an accident- I killed her. This doesn’t change what I did. It doesn’t _matter_ how I felt. Hell, I pushed myself into that fight. I know I did.” 10k couldn’t explain properly, but he had to try. “The fact of it is, we were fighting, I tried to stop her, but she was just following your dad’s orders. I told you before. She didn’t have a _choice_. I did. She was holding me down and her hands were on my neck and she was _twisting_ it and I knew she was trying to break my neck, she was _about_ to break my neck,” 10k’s hands were balled into fists in front of him, filthy from the fibers and oils of the cattails. “So I stabbed her. I killed her and she stopped.” 

Lucy said nothing. What _could_ she say to that? 

“And it still follows me. _She_ still follows me. As she should. I can never forgive myself for that and I could never expect you to understand why I did it because I don’t even understand it,” 10k said. “You asked me why I did it, and I owed it to you to explain. But I’m not gonna give some bullshit excuses when I know I can never undo what I did. I want to do better, but there’s no way to explain the fact that I killed her. I loved her, and I killed her.” 

Lucy remained silent for a time, 10k with nothing more to say remained fixated on the rough grain of the table. 

“I think I believe you,” Lucy said. 10k didn’t understand what she meant. “I mean like, between you and my dad,” she seemed to struggle with her words, but her mind was clearly made up, “I choose you. I choose to trust in you and what you’ve told me.” 

10k didn’t know what to say. Eventually he sputtered out, “why?” 

Lucy shrugged. “It’s not all that complicated. You feel remorse. Badly, it seems like. Dad… he didn’t bother with remorse. Just explained himself and then… and then told me what _you_ did instead,” Lucy frowned. “I don’t know much, but that doesn’t seem right to me.” A pause between them, the house quiet and empty as everyone continued to work to build a home in this isolated place. “I’m sorry about your friend. I can tell you really cared about her.” 

“I killed her,” 10k said hoarsely, still uncomprehending of this girl’s strange way of forgiveness. 

“Yeah, you did,” Lucy said. An awkward smile that was more bitterness than humor. “That’s why I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this isn't very long and it's been a minute but I wanted to get something out since it's been a few weeks! Thanks for reading as always :)


	32. Chapter 32

Eventually she was going to find out, but it was in a way against all of their wishes. Red would never have chosen to cross that boundary and 10k had been so careful to keep things hidden. He kept doors locked, took baths in the dead of night or when he knew no one was around to come knocking, but eventually he slipped up. Getting dressed took an insignificantly longer amount of time. He couldn’t help but be careful with that taut scarring on his back or how sometimes his shoulder would stiffen and pain him.

It was the middle of the afternoon. He never got changed then. But his shirt had been ruined by fish guts when he had knocked over a bucket and knew putting on a different shirt was unavoidable. He had jumped up, swearing and shaking off his hands, Addy laughing at him, before going upstairs, careful not to touch the furniture that doc had worked so hard to clean. He hadn’t thought of the risks, despite there oddly enough being some. In fact, he hadn’t paid it much thought. It was almost normal. Almost like before. That instinctive fear of taking off his clothes, one part pain, one part trauma, faded into the monotony of life. 

Still, he had taken off his shirt at an awkward angle in the hopes of not getting the blood and filth on his skin, and in doing so his shoulder had throbbed and stiffened so badly he was frozen, gasping in pain and dropping the shirt to the floor, his free hand going to the old wound. He did not hear the door open. 

The sound of shattering ceramic alerted 10k to the fact that he was no longer alone. Soapy water crossed the wooden floors and washed away the gore that had dripped there. 10k turned, muted horror only visible through his widened eyes. 

Red was frozen as well, her hands still in front of her, barely slackened from their grip on the bowl that was in pieces at her feet. She’d only thought to bring 10k something wash up with. She hadn’t thought- She hadn’t even thought there was something to worry about. But from the way 10k looked at her she knew this was an intrusion. A secret she wasn’t meant to see. 

“I-” 10k didn’t know what to say, _I can explain_? What the hell was there to explain about this? The wounds had healed remarkably in the past months but they were still barely scars. The skin was still raised and an angry red and could very well stay that way. 

Red pulled herself together first, if you could call it that. “What- How- _Who did this to you?_ ” 

“Red, please, don’t freak out-” 10k was pleading against her justified anger. 

“It was him. Wasn’t it?” A cold, brutal rage came from her so quietly. It made 10k flinch. He said nothing and this fearful quiet hung in the air. That seemed to snap her out of it. “10k... I am so sorry. I shouldn’t be acting like this- are you okay?” 

She wasn’t asking if he was okay after everything. She knew that was impossible. She was asking about how he was coping with this being revealed to her against both of their wishes. 

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to keep things from you,” 10k was immediately consumed by guilt. 

“ _What?_ ” Red was appalled. “You’re _apologizing_ to me?” 

“I just- I didn’t want to upset you and there’s so much to explain-” 10k was rambling now. 

“10k, you don’t have to explain anything to me. I was just- I was just taken by surprise, that’s all,” Red tried to prevent 10k from feeling obligated to tell her what had happened. Still, she struggled to hold back that same question, “did he do this to you? Was it Murphy?” 

“Red, you can’t do anything. We need him,” was 10k’s way of saying ‘yes’. 

Red grew teary eyed but knew this was not her tragedy to grieve. She turned away, wiping her eyes and pacing slightly, unable to keep still. She couldn’t just ask him. She couldn’t put that obligation onto him. But that question nagged at her stronger and stronger through anger and sorrow brought on by that word pressing in, _why?_

“Red- Please, just sit down. I can tell you,” 10k pleaded with her. 

“10k, you shouldn’t have to. I should have fucking knocked,” Red now seemed angry with herself for something that was neither of their faults. Red seemed to avoid looking at him, she knelt down to pick up the broken pieces of the bowl. 

“I don’t want to leave things like this. So wanting to or not, I am going to explain. Could you just listen?” 10k asked. 

It’s not like Red could say no. She both wanted to know and was horrified of the story to come. 

Red sat on the edge of the bed, 10k sitting beside her. Red remained leaning slightly forward, to ensure she wasn’t staring at those wounds on his back. To respect 10k’s privacy -as if that was possible now- and save herself from how much seeing them hurt her. A deep ache in her chest that hadn’t really lessened since she first walked into the room. 

“Murphy wanted me to tell him where Warren was. Back when she was trying to stop him. He couldn’t control me, so…” a hand went to his shoulder, even the skin he could reach at the top of his back was raised and rough compared to the rest of him. The wounds were healed enough not to reopen, that didn’t change how they felt. How violent they looked. 

“This was before he…?” Red let the question hang in the air. 

“Before he bit me?” 10k said. “No. It was after I started taking the drugs that ended up killing me,” he said with a morose laugh. 

“Oh,” Red said, her words only an exhale. 

10k said nothing. Neither did Red, but she also didn’t press him for answers. 

“There-There are other things,” 10k forced the words out despite knowing where they might lead. “Murphy did some stuff to me... It got bad. Like, really bad. He-” 10k couldn’t do it. He buried his head in his hands, hunched forward. 

“You don’t have to tell me, 10k. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” Red said softly. “Whatever it is, whatever _else_ it is, it belongs to you. You don’t owe me anything.” 

10k loved her. He wanted to be open with her but she was the only one he had left. The only one who didn’t know exactly what Murphy had done to him. The kids didn’t count. Lucy and 5k were too young to even understand. 10k didn’t know what the whole truth would do to their relationship. Maybe he was being selfish. Forcing her to tolerate being kept in the dark time and time again. 

“Red, I’m sorry,” 10k couldn’t stop himself. He still felt like he owed her an apology. Like he owed her even more than that. 

Red put an arm around 10k’s shoulders. “Stop hurting yourself like this,” she said softly, kissing his cheek. “You keep on apologizing and saying things that aren’t true. Please, just be a little kinder to yourself. Please? For me?” 

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” 10k leaned into her embrace. 

“Don’t you start. I’m lucky to have you,” Red said. She grew distracted once more by the scars covering his back. The sight left a sour taste in her mouth. “He tortured you,” she said quietly. “And we’re just gonna let him walk?” 

“What else can we do, Red? We need him alive,” 10k was left gloomy by the problem that had haunted him and his family. 

“Does his daughter know?” Red asked. 

“No. Not about this,” 10k told her. “And we’re not gonna tell her,” he said pointedly. “She doesn’t deserve that burden.” 

Red sat back so she was half behind him, a tentative hand reaching out, “can I…?” 10k nodded, but he still shuddered when Red’s hand brushed against the scars. From the top of one overlapping gash to another. Razor blades were not designed to be used in this way. To be haphazardly thrown against skin. Even a whip would have been cleaner. Whips didn’t catch on the edge of torn skin and cause it to crinkle and fold like paper. Whips didn’t have corners that got stuck in muscle and had to be yanked out. He still feel the cold ache of his knees against the stone floor and the way the blood grew sticky and congealed after hours of being left alone in a feverish daze. And of course there was the violence he woke up to. 

“How have you kept going?” Red asked, the question genuine and heartfelt in a way that caused her words to tremble. 

“I don’t know how to stop, actually,” 10k admitted. “You help,” he added. “So does Doc and Addy and Warren. It’s better here. I just wish you hadn’t seen this. Not because I don’t trust you. Not because I don’t want you to help me. Just because it was… it was nice. To have something he hadn’t tainted.” 

“He doesn’t have to taint anything between us,” Red said firmly. “He doesn’t have the right.” 

“Please, just don’t- don’t _pity_ me,” 10k’s lip curled in disgust. “Anything but pity.” 

“I don’t pity you, 10k,” Red said softly. “I care about you,” she brushed his hair from his face. It had grown longer in the past months. 

“I don’t know if I can talk about it,” he said it like a question. Like somehow she had answer for him. 

“Okay. You don’t have to,” Red said. 

10k’s wavering desire to let all these gorey details pour out of him died. He knew she would listen, but he still didn’t want her to face any of this. Somehow it was different from Doc or Warren or Addy offering. 10k wanted to keep whatever was between him and Red away from that dark burden. That didn’t mean he didn’t need to talk about it. 

He remembered Warren’s words, _This isn’t just for you to carry. You’re not gonna scare me if you need to process what happened._

He still didn’t know _how_ to talk about it. Part of him wanted to scream out every brutal detail. To let how much it hurt come rushing out of him in tears and anger and the self pity he deserved. He wanted to grieve the parts of himself he had lost but for some reason it felt like a dangerous door to open. Even if that pain came out, he didn’t know what else might follow. 

“Warren?” 10k felt oddly childish, entering her bedroom with one hand holding onto his forearm. 

“Yeah, baby?” Warren looked up from the vanity where she was sewing up a hole in one of her shirts. 

“Can I… Can I talk to you?” 10k began awkwardly. 

Warren set aside her sewing and turned to face him, “of course you can. What is it?” 

“Red saw the scars on my back,” 10k said. 

Warren seemed surprised, but not necessarily thrown off. “You showed her? You explained?” 

10k sat on the edge of Warren’s bed, trying not to let the act remind him of dark nights from months ago. “I didn’t show her, exactly. Red came in and I didn’t hear her, I was getting changed and… and she saw.” 

“I’m sorry, 10k I know that isn’t something you were ready to share,” Warren frowned. “What did you tell her?” 

“Not much,” 10k said. His voice shook, “not enough.” 

“Do you want to tell her more?” Warren asked. 

“No,” 10k paused. “Yes.” He sighed, leaning forward, elbows resting on his knees and head in his hands. “I can’t.” 

“10k, Red would never judge you for this,” Warren was rational, soothing. 

“I’m not worried about her judging me,” 10k grew frustrated. Mostly with himself. “I just want- I just want one thing- _one thing_ that he hasn’t fucking _infected.”_

“Infected?” Warren probed for more answers. 

“Knowing what you know. What you all know, it changes things. Even though none of us want it to,” 10k tried to explain. “And already I’m losing her. She knows that he- he tortured me, she just doesn’t know how many kinds of torture it actually was. So the pity is already there. And don’t say it isn’t pity. It _is_ even if you try not to think of it that way. You all look at me different and you all know that Murphy took something away from me. I can’t help but think of it that way. How else would I? Things are different like something’s missing and it’s been replaced by how fucking scared I am. I still just get so scared sometimes and I don’t know why.” 

“You have a choice here, 10k. With what you share and who you share it with,” Warren told him. “You get to weigh the consequences for yourself. And if you want my help, I’ll give it.” 

10k was struck by how jarring it was to have a choice. Despite all this time between then and now 10k hadn’t really relearned how to make decisions for himself. That ability had been stripped away from him by Murphy or drugs or adrenaline fueled obligation. That freedom was a terrifying relief. He could _choose_. And he wouldn’t be punished for it. He wouldn’t be forced to do something or have anything forcibly done to him. 

The problem was, he didn’t know what choice to make anymore. 

“You said I could talk about it with you. About everything,” 10k started. “Did you mean it?” 

“Yes,” Warren said softly. “Of course I meant it.” She stood, crossing the room to sit beside the boy she now considered her son. 

“It’s so bad to think about, I don’t know what it would do to me to try and explain it,” 10k was getting choked up, but it was easier with Warren to ground him. “But I think it’s eating me up inside. Just like you said it would. It’s gonna bury me if I don’t do something about it.” 

“Okay,” Warren took his hand, both hers and his calloused and stained with blood that would never wash out. “So what are you gonna do about it?” 

“When it isn’t just this random, _blinding_ terror, these random bits and pieces of what happened scare me. And then I’m just so bitter and angry because I can’t _fix it_ ,” 10k hissed. 

“You’re not broken, 10k. You know that, right?” Warren had to tell him that. “You’re whole. Bad things have happened to you, but that doesn’t take away who you are. It may feel like you’ve lost something, and you’re allowed to feel that, but whatever you fear you’ve lost you can still get it back. Whatever hurt he gave you, it’s a bad addition. It didn’t break you. Eventually, that bad will fade.” 

10k shook his head. He wanted to believe her, but even believing that didn’t change what shadowed him. “Sometimes I just remember how it felt. Not even when they were actually hurting me, but the hours in between too. He- Not _him_ but that other man, I mean I don’t know if there’s really a difference, he left me there. Chained to the wall after… I don’t even know how long they spent tearing my back apart, it could’ve taken hours or less than an hour. I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.” 10k couldn’t stop his rambling but Warren let him. 10k never spoke this much, not even before. She let these shaking words, desperate for understanding, fill up the room with sorrow. She remained steadfast and strong, holding onto his hand with both of hers, gently rubbing circles into his palm with her thumb. That grounded him. But it didn’t stop this attempt at articulating trauma from coming out fast. “It got so cold down there. I was left on my knees and at first they just ached but then they were sticking to the floor when the blood dried, god, I was fucking covered in blood. It was disgusting. It smelled so coppery it made me nauseous. And my wrists bled too. The chain dug into them and it pinched and I didn’t have the strength to stop leaning on them even when it hurt. And I was on the ground for hours and eventually my knees hurt so bad. I didn’t know that just staying in the same spot could hurt that much. I guess they helped distract from each other. How much my back hurt compared to the rest of my body. And I couldn’t stop shivering. Or shaking, or whatever it was. I was so out of it. Almost like a fever, but I wish I could’ve stopped my body from moving so much ‘cause it hurt so much. The bandages around my middle made it harder to breathe and it dug into the cuts way too tight. I think because they didn’t stitch me up at all or try and, I don’t know, straighten out the skin, that’s why the scars look so bad. I’ve seen them. I’ve looked back in the mirror even though I know I shouldn’t have, and it’s strange that even though I felt all of it I didn’t realize how bad it looked. Bits of it make such weird shapes and the skin is layered all wrong. And I didn’t realize how tight the scarring would make my back muscles. I get sore so easily now.” 

10k glanced to Warren, looking for a reaction or some words to make sense of all he had said. Warren spoke, but even her, their brave leader, didn’t know some way to fix all of this. “It’ll be hard, but there are ways to recover from something like that. Pain management, practice, and so on. I can’t say they’ll ever _look_ better, but we can try and keep your mobility.” 

10k nodded. Warren hadn’t said much, but just that slight reassurance, some form of a plan, soothed him. 

“After they first left me alone,” 10k spoke so softly, as if afraid of actually being heard. “I could barely breathe. I couldn’t stop crying because of how much it hurt. And worse, I knew it was only going to get worse. I knew that it wasn’t over and it would be so easy for him to do something else to me. I felt so goddamn helpless,” 10k paused, a lump in his throat. “And, uh, after I passed out, ‘cause eventually I did, couldn’t take it anymore, when I woke up…” 10k couldn’t breathe even now. 

“Take your time, baby. Just take a minute. Deep breaths,” Warren got him to pause. 

“When I woke up M-Murphy was behind me, he was-he-” 10k didn’t understand it. Why was it easier to talk about the brutal pain of being tortured with razor blades than to explain Murphy’s actions? There was something so inherently sinister about those vile acts. Something 10k didn’t fully understand outside of the haunting feeling that followed him. 

“10k, you do not have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” Warren said firmly. Part of her hoped 10k wouldn’t tell her, but she would take whatever was needed to help him. 

“Waking up like that, it’s- it’s horrible. I can’t even explain, the way it feels…” 10k shuddered. “I guess he saw me there, chained up, unconscious, already half undressed, and couldn’t resist.” 

Warren did all she could not to break down. She had to remain strong. That was why 10k had come to her. To be able to let go without Doc’s anger or Addy’s tears. Warren could listen. 

“I didn’t even fight back that time,” 10k stared off into space, somewhere far darker in his own head. “Actually, I tried not to move. I thought if I moved he might make it hurt more. His hands left bruises on my hips more than once, but there he was also fucking digging _into_ my back. I don’t know how it didn’t disgust him. I swear it was like his fingers were digging under my skin. There _had_ to have been blood and skin under his fingernails from it…” 10k trailed off, mouth oddly dry. “He laughed when he realized I was conscious. Said-” 10k cringed. “Said he wanted to see how long he could go before I woke up.” 

Warren’s hold on his hand grew a little tighter. Still, she didn’t interrupt. She didn’t even cry, although that took some effort on her part. 

“He was so _aggressive_ , when he…” 10k gestured vaguely into the air. “You know. Every time. Even when he was slower about it… The back and forth of it all was so… _irritating_. Sometimes he’d pause and for a second I’d think he was finished but then he’d do it again and somehow it hurt worse. He wanted me to scream. But I tried so hard not to because when I did he seemed to enjoy it. Made him try and hurt me more so I’d do it again. No way to win, really.” 

10k paused. Warren wasn’t sure if he wanted her to say something. She waited, and eventually 10k continued. “God, I felt so filthy… hours and hours where he wouldn’t let me wash off and it was more than blood on me at that point. Sometimes I still feel like I’ll never be clean again.” Finally, 10k turned to face her. Warren was glad that she had remained composed because when he looked at her it was with yearning for some semblance of support. “I don’t know why I’m saying all of this,” it was almost a question. “It’s just been piling up and I don’t know what to do with it besides dump it on you. I’m sorry. I know it isn’t fair.” 

Warren’s hand cupped his cheek, “you’re right. It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that you think you have to deal with this alone. I’m alright, 10k. I just want to help you. And if listening is how I do that, that’s okay.” She hesitated. “I’m proud of you. For opening up. I know crossing that line, starting to talk, must’ve been hard.” 

10k shrugged, “I’ve been through worse.” A joke. A joke about all of this. Mildly inappropriate considering, sure, but still. It was its own sort of progress. 

“And here you are. Still fighting. Still helping us,” Warren managed a smile. “What on earth would we do without you, 10k?” 

10k couldn’t help but smile at this as well, turning away from her and growing sheepish under the praise. 

“I mean it,” Warren continued. “We’re so lucky to have you helping us through this. Without you we wouldn’t know the first thing about gathering food from the woods or skinning fish. You’re keeping us alive, 10k.” 

“Warren,” 10k said, giving her an amused look. “You’re getting soft.” 

“You’re damn right,” she teased. A pause. A certain somberness returning. “I know we said this before, and we’ll probably end up saying it again, but what happened to you, 10k, it wasn’t your fault.” 

“What?” 10k was flustered in a different way now. Unsure of how to react. 

“I mean it. Whatever blame you’ve been trying to place on yourself, and I know you are, every time you act like you’re a burden, which you’re _not_ , you act like you’ve done something wrong. Like somehow some part of this is your fault,” Warren had to say it even if that truth seemed to make 10k uncomfortable. “It’s not. You didn’t deserve what happened to you and no one would ever blame you for what you went through.” 

Such a simple obvious truth. Still, 10k felt as if it was taking a weight off his shoulders. Not completely, 10k couldn’t lose all his guilt from a few kind words, but still. It was a relief. 10k was getting even more choked up now. “Thank you,” his voice shook slightly. He hadn’t realized how much he needed to hear that. Even if he had been told so before, he needed someone to fend off that doubt again. “Warren, just- thank you.” 

Warren opened her arms, letting 10k lean into her, her hands gently running through his hair and shushing him softly. Stability. 

Warren kept that brave face on for the rest of the day. She was good at that. Less so when she was alone. Unable to sleep, restless and feeling oddly ill even hours after the disturbing conversation itself, she went downstairs, lighting an oil lamp in the kitchen, she went to the sink where a few dishes had remained piled up. With a gurgling hum, the pipes siphoned water from the well and filled the sink. Warren took a rag and a dab of soap and started a task if only to pretend her mind weren’t still wandering down dark paths. 

“Warren?” Doc was bewildered to find her there. 

“Doc,” Warren paused, looking back at his groggy figure in the doorway. “What’re you doing up?” 

“Went to take a leak and thought I heard someone downstairs. Thought it was…” 

“Thought it was 10k,” Warren finished for him. “I thought he was sleeping better?” 

Doc shrugged, “comes and goes, I think.” Doc took a cup down from the cabinets and got himself a cup of water, leaning against the counter beside her. “And you?” 

“Couldn’t sleep,” Warren returned her apparent focus to the dishes once more, but Doc had known her long enough to see her mind was somewhere else. 

“Okay,” Doc said a little sarcastically. “And why’s that?” 

Warren stopped the circular motion of the dishrag on a plate, feeling suddenly weighted with an exhaustion that had nothing to do with the lateness of the hour. 

“10k came and talked with me earlier today,” Warren started. 

“Oh,” Doc immediately had a sense of dread and he hated himself for it. “Is he okay?” Warren gave him a look. “Well, I mean, was it something else bad?” 

Warren pulled back, throwing aside the rag and instead leaning against the counter with a heavy sigh, a hand going to her forehead. “I told him if he needed to talk he could come to me, and I meant it, I still mean it.” Her next sigh shuddered in a way that sounded like a sob, but Doc thought he must be mistaken. Warren didn’t sob. “He just needed to vent. Just to talk about it. But _god_ , it was brutal, doc. He’s been holding back so much.” 

“It was bad?” Doc asked quietly. 

“He-He _told_ me about it,” Warren was definitely crying now. She let out a harsh laugh that had no humor in it. “Here I am, falling apart because he just told me about it- he _lived_ it.” 

“I’m sure it was a lot, Warren. You supported him when he needed you, so let me support you now,” Doc put a hand on his friend’s shoulder. 

“He described it,” Warren finally looked him in the eyes and all the meaning needed was conveyed in that look. Exactly what _it_ was. Doc was no longer surprised by his stoic leader’s tears. “Told me how it felt, how bad it hurt.” It was doc’s turn to just listen now. “Christ… it was one time, too. It was only one time that he told me about. There’s _more_ doc. It makes me sick and we can’t do anything to stop what happened.” 

“Warren-” 

“His back still hurts him, doc,” Warren couldn’t help but interrupt. “Did you know that? It hurts him. He’s sore and I think he said it’s harder to move now. The scars don’t just look like they hurt, they _do_. But he doesn’t complain, does he? He _never_ complains. I guess he’s just been working through it all this time and not bothering to tell us. I don’t blame him, but _god_ he’s been in pain all this time and he still doesn’t feel like he’s allowed to come to us for help. I don’t want to know how hard it must’ve been or how bad it must have been for him to break down enough to come talk to me like that. I just wish he knew it was okay.” 

Warren was properly sobbing now, no longer holding it back. Doc didn’t need her to be strong right now. She could let go for a moment. 

It was doc’s turn to pull Warren into a hug, holding onto her, and only saying a few words, a few was enough. “Thank you. Thank you for taking care of our boy.” 

Those soft thanks were a petty consolation when they both knew he was still hurting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for your patience! I started college this past week, so there hasn't been much time for writing! Hope you enjoy it anyways :)


	33. Chapter 33

Winter was worse on 10k’s back. The cold made him ache like he was Doc’s age. Winter was kinder in other ways.

In the cold there’s a lot of time to talk. The frost set in and the snow came soon after and suddenly there wasn’t much to do besides sit by the fire and play cards or monopoly over and over and _over_. Everyone trapped in that house together, Sun Mei making a trek across the shovelled drive to the RV every morning, Lucy and 5k playing in the snow for a few hours before growing bored again, eventually certain things came up. 

10k was just glad it was with the right people. 

Addy tended to get angry on his behalf. 

She ranted about all the things she wanted to do to Murphy. About how given the chance she’d club him in the gut with her Z whacker. How after all this was done with he would suffer for what he’d done. How he would suffer varied on the day. Sometimes she said she would kill him. Quick because every minute on earth was one he didn’t deserve. They would toss his body in the river or the dump or just on the side of the road to rot. 

That was probably on the days when Addy was in a more charitable mood. One night, late, the kids had gone to bed, Red going with them, the proper adults were in the kitchen, drinking a little ration of wine. Addy hung off the couch, laying upside down, bitterness came to them easily. 

“I’m not gonna let him die,” Addy said quietly. Her voice growing louder despite trying against it, “we’re gonna keep him in that RV and he’s never gonna leave it and every goddamn day I’m gonna go out there and I’m going to cut into him until he screams. Then I’m gonna leave him there chained up until the next day. Until he bleeds out, dies of infection, fucking starves, whatever, I don’t care, but I don’t want him to go easy.” 

“Addy…” 10k didn’t know what to say, a mug empty and loose in his hand, the fire’s soft hissing and crackling taking up the silence. It took him a moment to get his words together. He couldn’t actually tell her she was being too harsh. 10k had suffered and let Murphy live, but he wasn’t noble. Murphy was alive out of necessity, nothing more. “I don’t actually know what we’re gonna do with him,” 10k admitted. 

“It’s your choice to make,” Addy told him. “If you want it to be.” 

10k was surprised with her. “Well, it isn’t just _my_ choice.” 

Understanding passed over her. “Lucy,” she said quietly. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen with them. I don’t want her to get hurt, but I feel letting this go on will hurt her in the long run. He deserves to be punished, but I don’t know how we can give Lucy a say if she doesn’t know the whole story.” 

“No,” 10k said immediately. “How the hell can we tell her that? Any of it?” 

“I’m not saying we should,” Addy sat up. “I just don’t know what we’re going to do yet.” 

“We have time, right? Until Sun Mei figures it out?” 10k said. 

“Yeah,” Addy said. “I worry about her.” 

“About Sun?” 

“Yeah, she’s just one person,” Addy explained. “She works ten hour days in the lab, comes back, eats, and crashes. And I know we got her to stop on Sundays -well, not really Sundays, whatever we decided was Sunday- but even then she helps around the house. Says she can’t just sit around.” 

“She’s gonna get burnt out,” 10k said. 

“Yeah,” Addy hesitated. “You will too.” 

“What?” 

“It’s winter, we don’t go outside as much, hunting comes second to keeping warm and all that, but somehow you’re still always busy,” Addy said. “Yesterday Warren said you were rearranging the _pantry_. What kind of teenager gets bored and decides to clean up the kitchen?” 

“Doc plays cards,” 10k grew defensive, “Warren sews, you’ve started making shit out of scrap metal, how is what I do any different?” 

“Those are _hobbies_ , 10k,” Addy said. “They involve settling down, relaxing, having some peace and quiet.” 

“Red’s hobbies aren’t ‘peace and quiet’,” 10k pushed. “She’s still trying to make a boardgame for Lucy and 5k and last time 5k broke a plate.” 

“10k, you’re trying to distract me,” Addy said pointedly. “You can’t focus. I swear you spend half the day just walking around the house to find something to do before giving up and walking around to look for something else. I know you want to avoid thinking about things, but you ever thought that what you’re doing is just giving you too much time to think?” 

“I can’t just focus on things,” 10k huffed. “I’ve only ever been able to do that with fishing and hunting and stuff like that.” 

“You used to be better at it,” Addy told him that unfortunate truth. “You’re good at stuff, 10k. Do you remember that armor you put together? You used the rubber soles of boots and stuff. It was awesome. You _made_ that.” 

“I don’t need to make stuff like that right now,” 10k muttered. 

“It’s not about what you _need_ to do, 10k,” Addy said exasperatedly. “Wait here,” she left, 10k had no idea where she was going, but he continued to stare off into space falling into the exact sort of restless brooding Addy was talking about. Addy returned with a knife and a chunk of wood from their pile in the garage. She sat down beside him and started peeling the bark off, tossing it into the fire as she went. Once it was mostly cleaned off she pressed the knife and the wood into his hands. “Make something.” 

“What?” 10k asked, staring blankly at the tools. 

Addy sighed. “Start simple.” 

“Yeah but-” 

“Okay!” Addy snapped, but she seemed more amused than anything. “Carve me a fish.” 

“A fish?” 

“Yeah, I want you to carve a fish for me,” Addy said. 

10k frowned, before slowly dragging the knife along the side of the wood, peeling off the grain. He did it again. And from there he continued methodically. He could have made bigger cuts until he had the rough shape, but, and 10k wouldn’t admit this to Addy, it was relaxing. 

“Thank you,” Addy sighed, as if what she had just done was work. She pulled out her own recent hobby, which was making jewelry out of scraps of metal, a pile of tin and a pair of pliers in hand. 

10k was not unaware of the irony. The fact that carefully, methodically cutting into things was how he found peace when Murphy had forced him to do just the same. Methodically cutting between each finger. At another time, earlier on, forcing him to carve into his own arm, stab himself in the leg, but the knife game was what truly drove him mad. The repetitive pattern faster and faster while at the same time Murphy was toying with his mind. Breaking in further and further, tearing down 10k’s walls and building up new ones to keep Thomas inside in their place. 

Still, this gave 10k control. He decided what was cut away and what stayed. Addy wanted him to create something and the idea that he was working to give something to a friend kept him focused. It definitely wouldn’t be a pretty fish, but it would be something of his own making. 

“Hey, uh, just, since we’re talking about this stuff…” Addy started out awkwardly. Addy was never awkward, she was all confident snark, so whatever this was 10k didn’t think it would be good. 

“...yeah?” 

“My roommate in college, it was freshman year, and like, we weren’t best friends, but she didn’t come home one night. It wasn’t that weird, and she’d texted me, said she wouldn’t be home until late, but she wasn’t in her bed the next morning,” Addy paused. “These guys raped her. She was drunk and they said they’d walk her home but instead they took her behind the dorm building and…” Addy took a deep breath, as if the air in the room had grown thick. 10k understood the feeling. “I’m not trying to scare you or make you feel worse, but she was pretty messed up for a while after that. None of them were prosecuted or expelled or anything. Three guys attacked her and left her there and the school didn’t do anything. She had to go to school with them for the rest of that year and it was _hard_. I tried to help with the… the panic attacks and all that, but there wasn’t a way to just _fix_ things.” 

10k said nothing, unsure of where Addy was going with this. 

“But she did get better, 10k. Again, I didn't know her that well, all things considered, but by senior year she was better, I didn’t see her much in person, she transferred out after that year, but we still talked. She had a boyfriend she really loved and she told me she could sleep through the night. That she didn’t think about it anymore, not really. She was happy, properly happy and safe in her own life,” Addy looked at him imploringly, as if by telling him this she could speed up 10k’s own recovery process. “I mean, I know she’s probably dead now, but if, you know, the world hadn’t ended, I really think she was going to be okay.” 

10k nodded. He knew Addy was hoping he would give some sign of optimism, but he wasn’t sure he could do so honestly. “So… so you knew someone, someone before me, who’d been… who’d been attacked like that?” 

“What?” Addy hadn’t expected that question from him. “Oh, yeah,” she seemed bitter. “Any girl you talk to knows someone who has. A friend from college or even high school or sometimes someone in your family. I bet if you asked Sun or Warren they’d know someone too. Or someone who knew someone at least. Maybe even Red, but I don’t know, was she even in high school when this all started? I don’t know why guys don’t really seem to know that stuff. I guess it feels safer to talk to other girls about that kind of thing,” Addy frowned, thinking back on too many wrongs in the world before it had even ended. “Not to say it just happened to girls, 10k,” she added on quickly, trying to make sure he didn’t get the wrong idea considering he was already doubtful of his own suffering. “It just wasn’t talked about as much, I guess.” 

“Really?” 10k grew unsure. “What guys did it happen to, then?” 

Addy shook her head, “should’ve known you’d ask that…” She thought back on her life before the apocalypse. It _had_ to have happened to a guy she knew. Or at least a name she could pull out so 10k would believe her. It took too long for her to think of something. 10k, looking severe as he continued to carve away at the wood. “Bad example, sort of, but an ex of mine, back in my senior year of high school, his big brother, he had this absolutely sick girlfriend. My ex... the reason I ended up dumping him is because when we were talking about it, to his brother’s _face_ , he told him that if his girlfriend was hitting him, or locking him in their apartment, or not listening when he said no, forcing him to do stuff he didn’t want to, that it was _his_ fault for being weak. 10k, people blaming victims for getting hurt isn’t new. And it has never been right. Anyone can be hurt, and anyone can do the hurting, putting all this gender bullshit on it is _infuriating_. Yeah, it’s often guys-hurting-girls, but acting like that’s how it always is… it’s pathetic.” 

“And… was _he_ okay?” 10k asked. 

“I don’t know, actually,” Addy admitted. “I dumped his brother,” she frowned trying to remember how all of that had gone, “I texted his mom, told her what was happening. That’s all I know, though.” A pause where Addy could only feel guilty. “I should’ve done more. I was seventeen or eighteen then, but still. I should’ve done more.” 

“You should’ve had to do anything,” 10k said. 

“Yeah, his brother should’ve done something,” Addy said bitterly. “We should’ve done more for you.” 

“Like what, Addy?” 10k asked. 

“Maybe noticed it sooner?” Addy grew harsh. “Noticed how you flinched around him? How you really, _really_ weren’t okay.” She sat up, growing more angry. “How about how we should’ve locked him up just because of the fact that he’d gotten in your head? The breach of consent from that alone should’ve been enough. But we didn’t _do_ anything. We were annoyed with him, yeah, but we would’ve fucking forgiven him if doc hadn’t found those goddamn pictures.” 

Addy paused, seeming lost in her own bitter and reluctant thoughts. “Do you think you would’ve ever told us, 10k? If doc hadn’t found out?” 

“I… I don’t know,” and 10k meant it. He didn’t know if he would’ve ever been able to let that out. Or if he would’ve let it bury him while Murphy walked free. 

Addy wasn’t sure if it was fair to bring up questions about what would never come to pass, but she couldn’t help it. “What was your _plan_ , 10k?” 

“What’d you mean?” 10k frowned. 

“Were you just gonna live with it? With _him?_ ” Addy grew disgusted. “You were gonna let him keep walking around and running Murphytown?” 

“Well, I think I was mostly planning on avoiding him. I don’t know, I guess I thought if I just didn’t talk about it, if I stayed out of his way, I could get through it, survive it somehow,” 10k seemed uncertain. “Don’t know how I thought I could do that, though.” What _had_ 10k planned on doing? Making sure that they created the cure and then just, what, wandering off into the woods? 

“10k, you could’ve gotten really hurt that way,” Addy said softly. “What if he’d tried to hurt you again? What if he _did_ hurt you again? Were you just gonna keep quiet about that too?” 

“Addy…” 10k laughed nervously. “Why’re you asking about this?” 

“Because, 10k, you could’ve gotten hurt when _we’re_ supposed to protect you. We’re your family for christ’s sake,” Addy spoke sharply now. “I’m asking because if we hadn’t found out, I don’t know what could have happened to you and that scares the hell out of me.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“And now you’re _apologizing_ to me!” Addy scoffed. “You’re _apologizing_ to me…” Addy rubbed her eyes, due to exhaustion or sadness he wasn’t sure. “10k, I’m not mad at you. I’m mad that how this turned out was left up to chance. That we only knew you needed help because we learned something horrible that we didn’t have permission to know. I’m mad because you didn’t feel safe coming to us and that is _not_ your fault.” 

“How is it not?” 10k asked. 

“Because none of this is your fault. It’s _Murphy’s_ for causing all of this in the first place,” Addy said firmly. “You were threatened and scared and he was still walking around, about to make up with Warren, probably, of course you wouldn’t come out and just talk about that stuff.” 

“Addy…” 

“I’m not finished, 10k,” Addy said and 10k knew better than to keep talking. “Even without what doc and I saw we should never have let him walk. The fact alone that he _bit_ you, almost got you killed, that should have been enough. Hell, we should’ve just _looked_ at you and known something was wrong. _Sick_. You weren’t just sick, you’d been fucking poisoned. You weren’t _you_. How could we not have _seen_ that Murphy had done something?” 

“You’re blaming yourself.” 

“Damn right I am,” Addy refused to waver. “You’re my little brother. You’re _my_ little brother and I should’ve checked in on you. Properly, not just fucking… hugging you and asking _how you were doing_. I know you’ll say it had nothing to do with me, but I’m sorry I let you down. And before you try and tell me off, just know this is my way of saying I wish I could’ve helped you more.” 

“Thanks, Addy,” 10k said quietly. 

“Aw, now I’ve gotta ask- thanks for _what?_ ” 

“I dunno. For getting pissed off, I guess. For feeling bad and for wanting to protect me. And… and thanks for not acting like I’m some scared kid. That was part of why I didn’t tell you guys directly, along with a lot of other reasons, I didn’t want you guys to look at me like I was fucking incompetent or broken.” 

“How the hell would we do that?” Addy stood, reaching over and ruffling his hair. “You’re ten-fucking-thousand. Certifiably badass.” 

“Get out of here,” 10k tried to fix his hair but he couldn’t help but grin. 

“G’night, 10k.” 

“Night, Addy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, sorry it's been so long since I last updated! Hope the addy-10k bro time was worth the wait :)


	34. Chapter 34

It had been almost seven months since they had moved to the farm. Sun Mei had gotten quiet in the past weeks. The rest of them were starting to worry she was bordering on a breakdown. She hardly spoke, she stayed in her lab not just from dawn until evening, but well into the night, only to stumble back down the drive through the slush and the rain in the same clothes she had gone to bed in. Warren had spoken with her, but she had only said that she couldn’t confirm anything until she knew for sure. Sun Mei said nothing about her emotional state. 10k couldn’t help but worry what being cooped up in a room with Murphy twelve hours a day might do to a person. Sun Mei didn’t really have time to talk to any of them and she mostly chatted with Warren and Doc. Although, 10k was surprised to find that Red and Sun Mei clicked in a certain way. Red refused to go with Sun Mei to the RV, said she might try and strangle Murphy if she did, but she was interested in the science of it all. Sun Mei had maybe had ten conversations with 10k in the past eight months, and not just because 10k _really_ couldn’t go to the RV, but just in general they didn’t have much to talk about, right?

10k had a nagging feeling that Sun Mei didn’t want to talk to him. That she didn’t like looking at him. 10k could imagine that spending hours and hours with Murphy, eventually certain things would come up. The thought of what Sun Mei might’ve had to listen to from Murphy made him sick. Those terrible things that Murphy had told Doc and Warren and Addy, every day when she tried to work. Of course she wouldn’t look at him. How would Sun Mei deal with chatting with him? Like she wasn’t spending her days drawing blood from the man who raped him and wasn’t afraid to talk about it? At least, wasn’t afraid to while Lucy wasn’t there. 10k wondered if Sun Mei kept Murphy gagged when his daughter wasn’t around. It wasn’t a question he could bring up over dinner or when they were doing laundry together on sunday, but 10k hoped that she did. That Sun Mei didn’t have a picture of all the horrible things Murphy had done to him as the running track behind her life’s work. 10k had burned the pictures Murphy took of him, but he could stop that man from painting new ones for the people that were forced to interact with him. It certainly didn’t help with 10k’s ongoing struggle to combat that shame. 

It was midday when Sun Mei left her lab, almost running back towards the house. Sun didn’t leave the lab during the day. Doc, who was the only one outside at the time, immediately shot up in a panic. 

“Sun?! You alright?” Doc followed her inside. “What happened?” 

“Where’s Warren? Where’s Lucy?” Sun Mei seemed almost manic, an unusual sight from her who seemed so composed. 

“Warren’s around back, looking at the generator, I think Lucy and 5k are down by the river, with Red and 10k,” Doc scratched his head, following her nervously. “What’s all this about, Sun?” 

“Warren! Come here, I need to talk to you!” Sun called. Warren immediately dropped everything to join her friend on the deck. 

“What’s happened?” Warren’s hand went to the machete at her side. 

“It’s good,” Sun Mei clarified quickly. “It’s really good.” 

“Sun Mei? You okay?” Addy had heard and come downstairs. “Did Murphy do something?” 

“No- it’s not about him. It’s about Lucy,” Sun Mei said. “I- I think I’ve fixed her.” 

“What?” Addy grew reproachful. 

“Not that there’s something wrong with her,” Sun Mei said quickly. “Not really. I just mean- let me explain. I’ve been looking at samples of her cells, the way they grow and age at an accelerated rate, I believe I’ve isolated the mutation that causes the aging. Essentially, I think I can cure her. She won’t keep growing so fast.” 

Addy laughed and threw her arms around her friend. “Oh my god- Sun! You did it!” 

“Well, I wouldn’t get so happy just yet, I’ll need a larger tissue sample to test it on before we can consider doing proper trials, but I really do think this is going to work,” Sun Mei said. She seemed so relieved. 

“The question is, what are we going to tell Lucy?” Warren said. 

“What?” Addy pulled back. “What do you mean?” 

“Well, if Lucy’s safety is no longer on the line, what if Murphy decides to get noncompliant?” Warren pointed out. 

“Does it matter, Warren?” Addy frowned. “We’re keeping him locked up anyways.” 

“Yes, but if what he’s done so far is the risks he was willing to take when her life was on the line, what might he do now?” Warren asked. 

“But, we wouldn’t let him do anything, right chief?” Doc grew worried. 

“Of course not, Doc, but I only ask that we be careful. I don’t know exactly what he might do, and I think it might be easier if we keep up the pretence that we haven’t cured her yet,” Warren said carefully. 

“But we _are_ going to cure her, right? We won’t hold off on the off chance that Murphy is gonna get bitchier?” Addy asked. 

“Of course not, I just wanted us to consider her still going to see Sun every day. Murphy wouldn’t know and Sun wouldn’t be alone with him all the time,” Warren pointed out. 

“I can’t just keep drawing her blood for no reason, that wouldn’t be a fair burden to put on her,” Sun Mei said. 

“Alright, but we should prepare for the fallout of this, then,” Warren said. “If we have to keep him tied to that chair forever, that’s fine.” 

“Fine by me,” Addy said. 

“We’re proud of you,” Warren brushed Sun Mei’s hair from her face, “I am so proud of you. It hasn’t even been a year and you’ve saved a girl’s life.” 

“Yeah, well, I don’t have a vaccine yet, so, maybe hold off,” Sun laughed. “I… I’ve got to get back. I need Lucy to come see me the moment she gets back.” 

“Sun, maybe you should take a break, you’ve been running yourself ragged,” Doc said. 

“I appreciate your concern, but I want to get this done. I want to help Lucy and I want to help humanity,” Sun Mei said. She paused. “I also want to eliminate every reason we have for keeping Murphy alive.” 

“Sun, if he’s giving you problems, we can do something,” Addy crossed her arms over her chest. 

“I can handle myself,” Sun Mei grew sharp. “If all I have to put up with is his talking, I’m doing a lot better than-” Sun cut herself off. “Than other people who’ve had to deal with him.” 

“What does he talk about?” Addy asked despite knowing she would regret it. 

“Addy, how is that gonna help anything?” Doc grew concerned. 

“I just want to know what kind of shit he’s been saying,” Addy shot back. 

“When Lucy is there he’s a goddamn saint,” Sun said. “When she isn’t… it sort of comes and goes depending on how pissy he is. Sometimes he insults me, mocks me.” She paused. “And on the days when he’s in a bad mood, he talks about 10k. Or _Thomas_ , as he says. Says stuff he knows will disturb me.” 

“What stuff?” Addy asked, her voice forced into an unnatural state of calm. 

“Addy, don’t-” 

“Don’t what, Warren?!” Addy snapped. “If he’s saying horrible things, we’ve got to stop him.” 

“I can ignore him, Addy,” Sun Mei said. 

“But this smug bastard shouldn’t be allowed to talk about 10k like that without there being consequences,” Addy said. She turned to Sun once more, “what does he say?” 

Sun Mei frowned, looking at her friend carefully. “He talks about things he’s done to him. He, well, he _brags_ , really. Definitely says some stuff that could give me nightmares.” Addy did not grow any calmer at this and it definitely made Doc join her in irritation. “But, again, I ignore him. I don’t give him the satisfaction.” 

“Sun, if you want to, you know, gag him, that’s okay,” Warren offered. 

“Lucy doesn’t always knock,” Sun Mei muttered. “I don’t exactly have an answer for that if she were to see it.” 

“You could always just smack him when he gets mouthy,” Warren said. 

“I’d be smacking him a lot, then,” Sun Mei said. “I’m fine. He stays quiet sometimes too. He gets bored, tries to goad a reaction out of me, says something fucked up or rude, I stab him with a needle.” 

“It’s your choice, Sun Mei, and you’ve done so much already, you deserve to feel comfortable when you’re working,” Warren said. 

“Thank you, Warren, really, but I don’t care what I have to deal with in that RV. I want to do my job and help people. Murphy being there just reminds me of what I have to do,” Sun Mei remained stubborn. As they had seen many times before, she was committed to her cause and unyielding in her work. 

“Sun Mei, you’re doing something amazing. You know that, right?” Doc asked. 

“Thank you, Doc. With any luck in a few days I will take another tissue sample from Lucy and it will react normally,” Sun Mei was eager to leave. “I’ll… I’ll leave for lunch, how about that? Will that stop your worrying?” 

“Sure,” Warren said. Usually they brought food out to her, as well as food for Murphy that day. 

“I’ll bring something with me when I go back for him,” Sun Mei offered. 

“No,” Addy said. They looked to her. “Let’s… let’s not.” 

“Addy, we give him two meals a day, any worse than that…” Warren said. 

“What, Warren? Any worse than that would be cruel? It would be unfair?” Addy snapped. “I’m sure he let 10k eat when he wasn’t beating him or raping him, right?” 

No one had a reasonable reply. After a tense pause, Doc spoke. “10k was always a scrawny kid, Warren, but when we got him back…” Doc paused, pacing from foot to foot, regretting that this conversation had even started. “In the pictures, too, he was so goddamn skinny. He’s gotten so much better, but you can’t just forget how weak he was at the beginning, how sick he looked,” Doc said. Doc, the man with unending kindness for everyone, had finally met his limit; finally met a man he would be comfortable starving. 

“If we make Murphy weak, if he gets sick, that’s a risk for all of us,” was Warren’s point. 

“I’m just going to bring something back with me,” Sun Mei decided. “It’s not like he’s living the high life. And as Warren said, with how much blood I’m taking from him on top of everything, it would be dangerous to starve him.” 

“Alright, Sun, it’s your call,” Doc shrugged. 

“How about you guys go track down the kids? Tell them the good news?” Sun Mei offered. 

“Yeah,” Addy grew excited. “Lucy is gonna be so glad she won’t have to get tested on every day.” 

“And we’re halfway to not needing Murphy anymore,” Doc added. 

“You two go get them, then,” Warren smiled, before heading back to the generator and back to work, Sun Mei doing the same and heading for the RV. 

Lucy and 5k were playing in the water, it was too cold for swimming, but they ran through the shallows in their rainboots, Red and 10k watching from the shore. 

“Lucy, don’t splash 5k! You know he’ll splash back and then you’ll both be soaked,” Red called out to them. 

“Aw, let them screw around,” 10k said. “Worst that happens is they get wet.” 

“Watch yourself, mister, I’ll get them to drag you into it,” Red teased. “Watcha working on?” She looked over his shoulder to where 10k was carving into a new lump of wood. 10k had finished Addy’s fish months ago, well, it wasn’t really a fish, more like fish shaped, but by now he had improved quite well. 

“I dunno yet,” 10k shrugged. 

10k had had scars around his fingers since Murphy’s little knife game, but by now a few more had joined them. The occasional slip along the grain and 10k would cut himself, cursing all the while, but somehow those wounds always felt silly to him. They were his own fault, from simple chance or bad luck, without malicious intent or sadistic pleasure behind them. They were wounds he could clean himself and have a sense of responsibility for without harm or shame. 

Now, he worked on a general shape, without much idea behind it, it was going to be an animal, he thought. 

“Looks like a dog,” Red said. “Can’t remember the last time I saw a dog.” 

“Maybe,” 10k shrugged. “And me neither.” 

“Are you gonna make something for me?” She asked, arms draped over his shoulders, kissing his cheek. 

“Maybe,” 10k smiled softly. 

Red continued to kiss his cheek and neck. “I love how you look when you think,” she murmured in his ear. 

“I’m not thinking,” 10k said. “Not really. It’s better than thinking, I’m just… moving.” 

“Okay, well I like how you look when you’re not thinking,” she said. “A deer?” She asked as 10k began to shape the head. 

“I think so,” 10k said. “Again, we’ll see.” 

“That, or it’s a dog with very large ears,” Red teased. 

“Addy!” Lucy ran from the water, getting her aunt very wet in hugging her. 

“Hey,” Addy laughed, not seeming to mind. 

“Doc? What’re you guys doing here?” 10k asked, setting aside his knife. 

“We come with good news and gifts,” Doc said. Addy took off her backpack, unloading jars of peanut butter and hardtack. 

“What’s the news?” Red got up and joined them on the tarp Doc had brought. 

“Sun Mei has made progress,” Addy said. “And she thinks she’s cured Lucy.” 

“Cured me?” Lucy was suspicious on first reaction. 

“Lucy, you know how you grow up really fast? How sometimes you get out of control and odd things happen?” Doc explained. “Well, we think Sun Mei might have figured out how to stop that. So you can grow just like the rest of us.” 

“Oh,” Lucy said. “Okay,” she shrugged, not seeming all that excited. “I didn’t know it was a problem.” 

“Of course you didn’t,” Addy still seemed relieved, even if Lucy didn’t know the significance of this. “Well, you won’t have to get poked with needles anymore. Well, a little more, then you’re done. Isn’t that good?” 

“Yeah!” This did seem to cheer her a bit. 

“Why don’t you and 5k wash that mud off before we eat?” Doc asked. 

Once the two children had returned to the river, they turned to 10k. 

“This also means we’re one step closer to no longer needing Murphy,” Doc pointed out. “Now all of Sun Mei’s attention can be on the vaccine.” 

“That’s good,” Red kept 10k’s arm around her shoulder. “Right, 10k? That’s good.” 

“Yeah, yeah. That’s good news,” 10k said. “I’m glad Lucy is gonna be okay.” 10k meant it, but part of him was also thinking that this meant they would have to decide what would be done with Murphy, what they would tell Lucy, all that much sooner. Red put her head on his shoulder. That eased him. 

It was spring now. Still in the 50s because they were so far north, but it was still better than being snowed in all the time. Everyone had cabin fever. The house, however large, felt too crowded and it was hard to find somewhere to be alone without someone else wandering in looking for something or asking for someone. Now all of them were let out. Doc was back in the greenhouse, the kids spent a lot of time on the lawn, Warren and Addy were out searching the neighboring towns again, and Red and 10k were finally spending time together, just the two of them. 

They were much more touchy-feely as of late. Red would find excuses to kiss him and 10k often found himself putting his arm around her whenever possible. 

“Would you lay with me?” Red asked, sitting on her bed in just a t-shirt and underwear, some time in the evening. 

10k didn’t reply, simply sat beside her, laying back so Red could curl up against his chest. 

“I’m glad you’re here, 10k,” she said softly. “I’m glad you made it here.” 

“Me too,” 10k said He was unbelievably grateful to his family for saving him, for getting him out of that hell. “I don’t want to think about being here without you.” 

Red turned and pressed a kiss onto 10k’s neck. 10k put his arm around around her, sitting up and responding in turn. There was that nervous neediness of youth which left talking behind, Red’s hands brushing against his sides underneath his shirt, 10k just holding her close. Red started tugging his shirt over his head, leaving only the collection of beaded necklaces and chords from Doc and Addy there. No dog tags. 

10k did feel his heart start to race, but he could deal with his shirt coming off. He trusted Red and he wanted to be with her. Red pulled off her own shirt, laughing a little uncertainly. She pushed him back against the bed, on top of him now, leaning down to keep kissing his face. 10k didn’t move. Red started tugging at his jeans. 10k still didn’t move. Red paused. 

“10k?” She frowned. “Hey, I’ve never done this before either.” Silence. Uncertainty. “Have you?” 

The worst possible question, because 10k didn’t know the answer. Hadn’t he? 10k didn’t want that to be in his history, but of course he didn’t have a choice. Things just _were_. He and his first time had been tainted. 10k was frozen. He thought he could deal with it, but now having someone on top of him, taking off his clothes, it was like he was choking. 10k was terrified to move. Moving meant disobedience and disobedience meant violence. 10k thought staying still was the best option. This way he wouldn’t be afraid of getting hurt and Red wouldn’t be upset with him. He thought could get through this until Red didn’t want him anymore. That was the only way he could see this, the only way he knew how to experience it, was survival until someone was done using him. While Red had no idea why, she could clearly see how 10k froze up, how he seemed to detach from his body in a way that deeply unsettled her. 

Red backed off quickly, sitting beside him, reaching out to hold his hand. “10k, talk to me. What’s wrong?” 

“I- I’m sorry. I can’t- I can’t do this,” 10k pulled away and it wasn’t hard for Red to see how he flinched back, curling inward as if to protect himself. 

“10k, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” Red spoke softly. “I didn’t know you weren’t ready. I just wish you’d told me, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” 

“You- You _didn’t,”_ 10k stammered out. “I just can’t,” he wasn’t crying, not really, but his breathing was labored and he was shaking. His body had been prepared to suffer, to deal with pain or humiliation or violence, and when it never came it was like he didn’t know what to do with his adrenaline. 

“10k, what’s wrong?” Red had a strange sense of dread forming that she couldn’t quite place. “Did I do something? Are you just not ready?” 

“That’s the thing- Red, I don’t think I’ll _ever_ be ready.” There it was. The shame he was so afraid to admit. The fact that he could never give Red what she really wanted. “I- I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I just dragged you along and I didn’t tell you- I-” 

“10k, it’s okay,” Red was confused and worried and wished she knew how to handle this. “I’m not sure I understand, but if you really don’t want this, of course that’s okay.” A pause, 10k unable to speak, biting down on his knuckles as if that pain would stop his hysteria. “Are you… are you gay?” Red asked. 

10k was snapped out of it by sheer surprise, his hyperventilating turned to equally disturbing laughter, mad, panicked laughter. “I don’t think so,” he managed to speak. 

Red knew it wasn’t the time for her pride, but it was the only other thing she could think to ask, “is it… is it me? Do you not like me like that?” Red asked. “And I won’t be angry if you say you don’t. A little disappointed, maybe,” she said. 

“No,” 10k said quickly. “No, Red, I love you. I think I really, properly love you.” 

“I love you too,” Red felt a lump forming in her throat, but she had to save her tears for later. 10k clearly was struggling to confront what was wrong, but how could she just move past this without knowing what caused it? What if she tried to let it go and 10k refused to tell her the next time things went horribly wrong? What if the next time she gives him a hug, touches him, it upsets him? What if he’s too afraid to tell her? 

10k buried his head in his hands, shoulders trembling. “How can you forgive me for this? How can you love me when I keep on throwing my problems at you?” 

“There’s nothing to forgive,” Red said, putting her arm around him. “There’s nothing to forgive…” She sighed. “I’m sorry you didn’t feel safe telling me. I’m sorry that I’ve put you in a position where you’ve had to explain things.” 

“I’m so sorry,” he couldn’t help but whisper it again. 10k didn’t know where this sense of shame came from. Or why it was so damn strong. 

“10k, please,” Red’s own voice grew shaky with worry. “Please just tell me what’s wrong. Why are you sorry? What could make you think that I would be angry with you for this?” Red bit her lip, afraid to ask, but she felt like she had to. “Why didn’t you tell me to stop, 10k?” She felt sick at the thought, at what it meant, “were you just going to _let_ me?” 

“I can’t… I can’t,” 10k shook his head. There was a wall. An impassible feeling that kept his words captive. What got him to speak despite every part of him fighting against it, was because that barrier reminded him of Murphy, trapping him in his own head, filtering his speech. 10k couldn’t start doing that to himself now. Not after everything. He couldn’t get Murphy out of his life if that man still controlled his head. “Murphy- Murphy did something to me- He-” 10k struggled to breathe, to not just shut down. 

Red had been young with the apocalypse started, but she was not that naive. She had known for as long as she could remember not to walk home alone. Not to talk to strange men, or any men, really. And at some point she learned why. She learned that bad things happened to girls who strayed from the path. That there were far worse things than wolves out there. 

So some part of her knew. She knew what 10k was struggling to tell her, but she didn’t want to believe it. She prayed there would be an explanation for 10k’s panic, for why he wasn’t comfortable taking off his clothes and being touched by her. An explanation besides what she was so afraid was the truth. 

“10k, breathe. You’re safe. You’re in control,” Red tried to calm him despite not knowing how. 10k may be safe, but he definitely didn’t feel in control. 

10k breathed heavily, trying to force himself to speak. “Murphy hurt me really bad. Not- Not just the cuts. There’s more.” 10k found it strange that sometimes saying what had happened to him was easy, easier than thinking about it, anyways, but right now he was fighting off every instinct to keep his mouth shut. To keep these evil truths away from his relationship with Red. 

“Red, he raped me,” 10k finally said it and the moment he started he couldn’t stop. “He did it over and over and he tried to make it hurt me. He _did_ hurt me. And I know I should have told you, told you because it effects us even though I didn’t want it to. And I am so sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever feel okay doing this. I don’t think I can have this kind of relationship without feeling trapped by him.” 

Red was overcome by nausea. She resisted every urge to be sick or sob uncontrollably. She still had to cover her mouth to hold back. She had to pull herself together. She had to say something to him. 

“I’m so sorry,” Red held him close, arm around him. “I can’t- I can’t imagine…” She grew angry now, first at Murphy -of course- but also at herself. “I should’ve noticed sooner. No wonder you were freaked out, how could I have just carried on like that?” 

“You didn’t, Red,” 10k said softly. “You stopped,” a weighted sigh, “he never did.” 10k had felt some semblance of relief when his other secrets had been exposed. Red had comforted him and that had been enough, but it was clear they were both struggling with this information and what it might mean for them. 

Hot, angry tears couldn’t be held back anymore, Red didn’t let go of him, but he could feel her tense with rage. “Why is Murphy still safe? Why does he have all of his _limbs?”_ Red spat. “Should’ve cut his tongue out from the beginning. Should’ve fucking _blinded_ him so he can never look at you again.” 

“Red…” 10k was torn between fondness and horror. Murphy’s threats to break his legs, cut out his tongue, cripple him, came back with a general sense of trepidation. Not to say that Murphy deserved pity, it was simply the reminder it carried that made him shudder. “...Are you angry with me?” 

“What?” Red was snapped out of her rage by bewilderment. “No. No, I’m not angry with you. _How_ could I be angry with you over something like this?” 

“I don’t know,” 10k shrugged. “In the old world, people didn’t really think of guys getting… getting attacked like that.” 

“10k, you didn’t want it, right?” 

“No. No, of course I didn’t want it,” 10k was revolted by the very thought. 

“Then, it is what it is. No one has the right to doubt that,” Red said. 

“That’s what everyone keeps saying, but…” 

“But what? You’re not responsible for this, 10k,” Red said. 

“I just feel so guilty. And there were times I could’ve fought back, and I should’ve fought _harder_. I’ve ruined this for us,” 10k couldn’t fend off his own bitterness. 

“Hey,” Red took his hands in her own, facing him. “Nothing has been ruined. I am happy with you in whatever form that is. You’re not… you’re not obligated to have a certain kind of relationship with me, okay?” 

10k didn’t know how to feel. On the one hand he was at least a little relieved that Red wasn’t upset, but on the other… 10k wanted this. He wanted to have this kind of relationship and to be close to her, but he didn’t think he could ever bear it. It was so much worse than if he simply didn’t want it, the problem was he did and he could never have it. Sex and sexuality was stripped away from him before he had the chance to even figure out who he was. Red asked if he was gay, 10k didn’t know. Gay, bi, whatever, he never _would_ know. And not just because the dating pool had shrunk down to almost nothing. 10k would never experience that kind of intimacy, because it would always be a construct of pain and humiliation instead of love. 10k realized that in a sense, he could no longer consent, because of what Murphy had done that choice had been taken from him. His wants would be overshadowed by that fear. After everything he had done, Murphy was still forcing him into a decision. How the hell was that _fair?_

At least now, after so much weight and struggle, there were no more secrets between them. 10k could begin to remove shame from their relationship, even if he couldn't have what he truly wanted.


End file.
